Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Ask DB1: Reforming the Choad

<img src="http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/12080.jpg" alt="" title="12080" width="467" height="337" class="alignleft size-full wp-image-5054" /—-
DB1,

As an avid reader of the site and an admirer of your seer-like visions of the impending scrotocalypse, I have a question that you no doubt have pondered in Thunderhorse-induced trances.

While we mock the spectral choad in an effort to render the choad laughable should we not also consider that those douche bags who choose to shuffle off the douchal coil may be lost and have no idea of how to live outside of the scrotal way?

These former choad biscuits may need guidance on what their next step should be now they have given up kissy lips and half-buttoned Armani shirts. Is this any of our concern?

Should there be a group of “Post-Douche Counselors” who can minister to these former scrote lickers by showing them if they don’t spend $500 on a pair of sunglasses then they can move out of their mom’s basement? Or is it enough that we simply show the culture that the douche path is mock-worthy and any path is better than the way of the scrote?

Looking forward to HCwDB 2.0

Best Regards,
– The Ruler of Nations

—-

The douche must find his own way out of the gel-crusty darkness and towards the light of revelation. The only counsel that we can provide is societal mock. Like teaching a toddler to walk, the ‘bag must take their own first steps to truly be free of cultural latticework.

However, if giggle hottie provides reinforcement, the cycle can never be broken, so her role is equally important in reforming the choadscrote. Once we reach giggle hottie (and gnaw on her belly when she isn’t looking), the douche will find his own way out of the EdHardpocalypse.

# posted by douchebag1
2:21 pm March, 9 Troy Tempest said...

When the douchebag leaves it all behind, their IQ goes up a few points and then they are able to negotiate the Real World. To give them extra help is wrong – we all need guidance and direction. Some more than others. Douchebags most of all. But once they are on the path, then they must walk the path like an adult – fwapping all the way.

2:23 pm March, 9 Troy Tempest said...

that was a crappy post of mine. Very poorly written. I’d like to delete it. Oooops. No delete button. Suckage.

2:27 pm March, 9 jonezy said...

I’d like to take this opportunity to WordPress a special message.

Fuck Fish Slap

2:27 pm March, 9 jonezy said...

(fuckin wordPress deletes extra spaces!)

lame.

2:30 pm March, 9 Vin Douchal said...

I guarantee those boobs are real.

I also guarantee the Pittsburgh Pirates will win the 2010 World Series, Skweezy Jibbs will be the next Mayor of West Hollywood, Peter North will grow a second (third?) cockk from his sternum, Angelina Jolie will get the Mike Tyson Face Tattoo and ultimately his dental plan, The MTV sensation “Is She Really Going Out With Him” will be relegated to mainstream primetime television via the ABC network and when I finally figure out/get the fucking widget to show up on my MySpace page the songs “Ass Pear LaPlante’ and my new ode to ‘Francine’ will break the iTunes single day sales records. Take that Black Eyed Peas, ya hacks …

2:37 pm March, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Speaking of butterfaces, is it just me or is that Fergie gal bummin’ as fuck?

She’s a few cheesecakes away from a full Totie Fields makeover

2:45 pm March, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

She is simply gorgeous.

He looks like he’s gnawing a snot ball on his tongue.

2:46 pm March, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin,

Your first two Fergie links didn’t go through. They got trapped at a generic fresnobeehive.com page. WordPress error?

2:49 pm March, 9 Wedgie said...

Fuccen A

2:49 pm March, 9 Crucial Head said...

I remember when Blogger took away the trash cans for a few days.

It sucked monkey nipples.

2:50 pm March, 9 scrotum pole said...

Is this thing on?

2:51 pm March, 9 Anonymous said...

Damn this thing’s using my word press avatar.

2:52 pm March, 9 Anonymous said...

Those two are spectacular. She’s the one you keep and take home to meet your parents (making sure that she covers those things up so your father doesn’t stare, the dirty old bugger).

2:55 pm March, 9 scrotum pole said...

I’m with Troy and Croosh. I want to be able to delete my fucked up posts.(most of them)

Damn this avatar is from the chop and mutilate site Hosted by Jeffery Dahlmer (JD1)

2:56 pm March, 9 Fatness said...

I am willing to reserve final judgment until all the fish tits are flapping per design, but so far this WordPress transition appears to have taken us backward, not forward. Need preview, edit, delete and for the love of all things visual, bigger ‘gravitars’ (who came up with that?)…

For now I’m going to stare at the boobies and sulk.

2:57 pm March, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

If DB1 is correct, then the cure is obvious. We must steal their women from them! The booby suckle hotts reinforce the douchey mindset with their bouncing giggleness. If we appropriate the hotties for ourselves, this leaves the ‘bag with no standard of douchey display to emanate.

But that leaves us with a conundrum. Do we become the new scrotes by bedding the cleavage-nuzzle hotties? I for one, am willing to take that risk for the greater good.

2:59 pm March, 9 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr S Head

I think I forgot to close the Fergie photo, so here it is again:

Speaking of butterfaces, is it just me or is that Fergie gal bummin’ as fuck?

She’s a few cheesecakes away from a full Totie Fields makeover

Voice over: This post brought to you by Word Press, it’s like World Crossing, only way inferior as if that was possible ….. Word Press , Get Some !

3:11 pm March, 9 Bagnonymous said...

Golly, she’s a muffin! I wanna see her in December for SURE. Sweet Jesus, what I wouldn’t do if she weren’t hanging out with Frankendouche.

Wait, is that a double-negative..? Maybe it’s “..what I would do..”? You see?!? Dammit, all she’s hot and I’m flustered. I say goddamn.

3:12 pm March, 9 Hotspur said...

Do we really want their women I would think most of them would be pretty used up at this point

3:12 pm March, 9 Bagnonymous said...

misplaced comma fail

3:12 pm March, 9 Bagnonymous said...

lack of comment review fail

3:13 pm March, 9 Bagnonymous said...

lack of trash can fail

3:13 pm March, 9 Bagnonymous said...

“You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.” fail

3:15 pm March, 9 Bagnonymous said...

“JPG not big enough for me to enlarge so she’s full screen and he’s out of the frame so that I can recklessly fwap myself raw” fail

3:39 pm March, 9 Anonymous said...

She’s a younger, hotter Helen Hunt.

3:40 pm March, 9 Anonymous said...

But looks like she wouldn’t be hot w/o the mascara… Her face looks tired.

3:41 pm March, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin douchal

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..CK!

Was much better without the close.

She was much better without the video shoot buffets and kiss ass stylists.

3:44 pm March, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Anon ^3:40

You have a point. Eye make-up does often make the woman.

4:07 pm March, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Hey Darksock,

There’s a blog that needs a visit from a feller with the constitution to eliminate liquids in the vacinity of/in the orafice(s) of non-human occupants of equine concerns (gee, WordPress is fun);

Keith Olberman , Baseball Nerd, Media Twat

4:12 pm March, 9 Anonymous said...

@Mr. Scrotato Head

Ha, that and CG-ifying her forehead… Wonder if that they could do for Helen’s chest…

4:35 pm March, 9 Anonymous said...

I’ve been known to attempt to teach homeless people personal finance lesson when they ask me for $ usually in exchange for that money (teacha man to fish, etc.) and disagree I think that as the average american consumer is so ridicuously un-aware (mainly because this is NOT taught in schools because the system doesnt want people to know and it takes a special breed of fobby parents to do so) i think someone should be willing to help scrotes learn, though hearing their stories may lead to more folks actually ditching responsibility and seeking hot poon.

Army of DOuche-ness

4:42 pm March, 9 douchebag1 said...

Fellow taint mockers and boob pokers-

The comments thread is still a work in progress. Trying to get it to be a pop-out and also get more functionality in it. Keep mocking. All will get better as we go-

– management

5:59 pm March, 9 scrotum pole said...

test

6:18 pm March, 9 Wheezer said...

I think the blonde here may very well be Laura Steele of WFBQ, Indianapolis.

I could be wrong, though.

6:25 pm March, 9 scrotum pole said...

Wheeze, I think you’re right. Are you an Indy native?

6:41 pm March, 9 Wheezer said...

No, I’m in the Cincinnati area but I used to listen to The Bob & Tom Show. She sometimes guests on there and has her own hours on air. I think she was also on a local station (WEBN) for awhile, but I can’t remember.

Regardless, she has terrific boobies.

7:12 pm March, 9 Anon said...

I’d put my face in that!

7:14 pm March, 9 Adolf Skroatler said...

Me likes her boobies.

7:14 pm March, 9 Blobfish said...

Where can I spit my chew?

BTW/ This new format is ‘bench press’… whaahappen?

8:09 pm March, 9 Deltus said...

Keeee-rist, she’s hott! Just lookit ’em boobies.

8:16 pm March, 9 massengill said...

@ Bagnonymous 3:11

Golden Globes is the only category you can hope to see her in come December. You heard about “a face for radio,” well that girl’s got a face for the night shift at Waffle House.

8:42 pm March, 9 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Testing…. testing…

8:43 pm March, 9 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

I sho’ does like those titties!

8:58 pm March, 9 revcaptainbringdown said...

Ok. One more test to prove how fucking stupid I am. So I signed up for a WordPress blog, but I can’t figure out how the fuck I log in to post on here with links to my blog like some of you smart peoples. Damn I’m a loser.

9:00 pm March, 9 Captain Bringdown said...

Like this maybe?

Can’t see my tests either, since the HTML on the comments page is horribly broken in FireFox 3.5.8 apparently.

9:02 pm March, 9 Captain Bringdown said...

Okay, that worked, but somebody tell me I don’t have to type in the name, email, and url every time I come here to post.

9:08 pm March, 9 Troy Tempest said...

I’m looking at this in Firefox on a mac and man is it fucked up.

9:53 pm March, 9 Wedgie said...

Hello, I enjoy your site. Would you be interested in trading services for advertising? I have many fine horses, most of which have never been peed in. Please let me know if this would fit your business model. I am most anxious to hear from you.

I can be reached at Pelican Bay, D Block, Cell 1659.

9:54 pm March, 9 Wedgie said...

Oh yeah, and one other thing. Word Press sucks monkey dicks.

10:03 pm March, 9 Herr Weiss said...

Damn, you’d be surprised at how many variations of “Mr. White” are already taken. Fuccen WordPress. Fine, I’ll be a damn Kraut Mr. White, then. Of course, something’s way wacky with the comments box right now, so I have no idea if my little bag-headed dude Gravatar is even there.

10:07 pm March, 9 Crucial Head said...

@Herr Weiss,

As long as you figure out a way to keep that cool bag-headed avatar, and those healthy locks, I don’t care what your new name is.

Rrrrrooowrrr!!

11:42 pm March, 9 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

…speaking of healthy body parts…did anyone say ‘bewbs’ yet?….just wondering

12:06 am March, 10 Whoop-di-douche said...

Give this couple a break, I see no sign of tatts or gimpy facial hair, just tits and happyface.

12:13 am March, 10 The Postdouchester General said...

Bags are like sociopaths: psychological research has shown that attempts at rehabilitation only teach them how to blend in better with normal humans and manipulate us. We should simply exile all the Ed Hardy lovers to an island, and then make fun of them via the interweb…

12:24 am March, 10 Vin Douchal said...

I bet Nik Ritchie would be giggling into his chartreuse silk hankie if he got a gander at the mayhem going on in this fuccen place.

Bagnonymous “fail” riff FTW

12:28 am March, 10 Vin Douchal said...

BTW it ain’t 12:24 A.M. ^ it’s 10:10 P.M. So if your going to use WordPress Standard Time , remember to subtract two hours and fourteen minutes unless you want to be real early for the appointment with your P.O.

12:38 am March, 10 Crucial Head said...

@Vin Douchal,

To borrow ‘Sock’s phrase, “acclimating ourselves to this new WordPress system is akin to a gaggle of retards groping for a gleaming door nob.”

Or somthing.

12:39 am March, 10 Baleen said...

test

12:41 am March, 10 Baleen said...

Boss,

We better get a day’s worth of AssPear for putting up with the transition to Turdpress.

12:45 am March, 10 Vin Douchal said...

@ Crucial

All I know is that today when I saw the words “Rev. Captain Bringdown” I laughed so hard I had to wipe my arse.

12:54 am March, 10 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

…well for me the ‘gleaming door nob’ is actually a ‘vaseline slathered butt plug’…I just can’t seem to get the hang of it ;p

1:00 am March, 10 Crucial Head said...

One day we will all look back at this current struggle with the WordPress transition as our personal D-Day.

As in Diverticulitis-inducement Day.

1:07 am March, 10 pv1 said...

Testing, testing…

1:14 am March, 10 Crucial Head said...

I would have gone with Pontiff Captain Bringdown, Esq. the fourth once removed.

1:15 am March, 10 Baleen said...

This shit is precisely the reason I don’t make the big bucks. Fuckin Apple IIe daunted me in junior high.

Uh, but I can make a mean Old Fashion.

1:19 am March, 10 douchebag1 said...

I’m sorry team, hang tight. There’s lots of bugs to be ironed out, but the new designs kick ass. And hey, there’ll be a Scrotometer!

1:23 am March, 10 Baleen said...

It’s all good.

1:24 am March, 10 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Pontiff Captain Bringdown…and Scrotomete FTW, can’t wait boss!!! …in the meantime I shall find a new means to fwop using only duct tape, old bubblegum, and a slightly used fanbelt…

1:25 am March, 10 Crucial Head said...

S’all good boss. We’re just having fun posting inane boo’shit like, “Plinky’s mom is so fat her outer layer of epithelial tissue is comprised of 5/8″ Type ‘X’ fire-rated drywall.”

We know you’ll delete all this once the site is back to normal.

Right?

…right??

errrrrr… uh heh heh herrackk, *cough cough wheeze*

Right?

1:48 am March, 10 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

This transition is like watching a monkey fuccing a football. Definitely amusing and oddly arousing. And Croosh’s comment of the gaggle of tard’s (via Darksock) has me giggling like a schoolgirl getting her boobs touched for the first time. I’m all atwitter.

Okay, I gotta put the bottle of Jameson’s down.

1:49 am March, 10 Steve L. said...

those tits are mad tight.

those tits aren’t sexy because they’re big or fluffy. they’re sexy because they’re tight.

i have no idea what that means.

1:52 am March, 10 Steve L. said...

by the by, i can’t reform douchebags. i can NOT. i can only mock them.

and this is why i’m a hatter.

there. i said it.

2:02 am March, 10 Mr. Bagoo said...

Scrotometer

Scrotometer

2:03 am March, 10 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

@Steve L

…speaking of hatters, why is a douchebag like a writing desk? …just ask Stackhouse.

2:04 am March, 10 Mr. Bagoo said...

Scrotal fur???

10:39 am March, 10 Bagnonymous said...

No probs, DB1, we’re just giving you a good ribbing and typing random sh*t to get used to the regular posting process.

..And I know opinions are like assholes and all, but I kinda did like that “all-posts-on-the-page-under-the-picture” thing, where you could navigate back and forward chronologically through the posts using the top links. Just my $0.02, though. You can tell me to go jack if you want. In fact, I would, if you’d send me another picture of blondie here without Meatwad (and preferrably at least 1600×1200).

10:50 am March, 10 boone doggle said...

bewbs. test

12:22 pm March, 11 scrotum pole said...

wtf

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