Thursday, March 18, 2010

Breaking: Oscar Winner Sandra Bullock Married to a Douche Nozzle

.

Now I’m not one for keeping up on the latest Hollywood gossip.

Heck, I don’t think I’ve seen a Sandra Bullock film since she left the cast of “Cheers” and gained all that weight. Although I did love her performance in “Summer School.”

But apparently after winning her Oscar, Mrs. Bullock was shocked to discover that her beefy biker husband, who goes by the name “Jesse James,” was cheating on her with a tatt’d up stripper. Yes, he gave up the Oscar Pear for this Bleethy ‘Baguette.

And, since I like HCwDB to stay topical with the latest Hollywood gossip, I thought I should post something on this fascinating and highly engaging entertainment news story!!

Yeah. You’re right. Who gives a frozen rabbit turd.

Back to real people.

# posted by douchebag1
11:51 am March, 18 Adolf Skroatler said...

Yea, firstoramma.

What do I win?

12:01 pm March, 18 Scrotie and the Bandit said...

Really? I mean really? By all accounts there is absolutely nothing wrong with SB and frankly, she is hot as hell. The 35 million dollar douche-bag business man disguised as a “outlaw biker” solely for marketing BS aside, the guy is a scrote monster for about a million reasons I forgot about because she was interested in him. The choad always sinks, I guess it is not surprise that he is being dragged to the bottom chained to the human Ed Hardy Barbie Doll just as the rest of the world started to consider that maybe, just maybe, Jesse James didn’t spend most of his time googling himself to check the appropriate angle and tip of his lame douche-wear head gear in the “photo ops” he claims he avoids but is always caught smiling in. Back to roman candle fighting in the dry levee beds for that LA pud-suckler.

Man this guy just ruined what could have been an epic life building a nottadouche resume that included something akin to human decency. Someone warn Vegas – the uber douche is on the prowl again…

12:07 pm March, 18 Kirstie Alley said...

Thanks for not noticing me, babe.

12:10 pm March, 18 Hotspur said...

Those caplocks look familiar

12:13 pm March, 18 Douche-o-Rama said...

SB is, and has been smokin at least since that computer flick , “the net”..wait, even before that..She is girl next door hott, but still hott.

And at 45 years old, no less…. 98.9% of the bleeths on this site won’t be 50% of SB at 45.

As for Scrotbag James, its just more proof that snakes can shed their skin, but they look the same, because they are still snakes.

Good luck with that total-tatted skank. Just make sure you fumigate before you fornicate Jesse!

12:13 pm March, 18 Crucial Head said...

Any of you Mods out there able to figure out how to delete comments? I couldn’t figure it out, and I gotta run to a meeting.

Good luck. And may Lämp be with you.

12:15 pm March, 18 Wheezer said...

Must be BostonDoucheBag back for more $10K offers.

12:16 pm March, 18 Justin said...

Awesome.

12:33 pm March, 18 Vin Douchal said...

Eegads what is going in this blogger.

Db1, take control of the ice. Send in Tie Domi to clean house (keeping it Canadian, eh)

Michelle McGee is disgusting. I wouldn’t fuck her with Godzilla’s dick

12:38 pm March, 18 nona said...

Heard about this too. The Douchebag Jesse James just issued an ‘apology’ of sorts, so I guess it’s not really a rumor by a tattoed Amish whore.

Poor Sandy. She seemed a little irritating but otherwise pretty nice. Oh, well. What was that about leopards changing their spots?

12:45 pm March, 18 Big said...

The woman tattooed her armpits…

words fail.

12:46 pm March, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Adolf, Where’ve you been?

@TROLL/JEROME/RAVEN(the wrestler?) That stuff I said before; meant every word of it, don’t doubt me, it shows your age. So come on now, you need to step your game up. You’ve said everything you can say about yourself. It’s not even offensive at this point. If you’re going to eat something for a quarter at least eat something different every time.

@Vin, shoot me an e-mail when you got a minute.

12:46 pm March, 18 Big said...

Also, she looks like Marilyn Manson.

12:53 pm March, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

Egads. *facepalm* Oh, Sandy, I’m so sorry. I empathize. I like them bad boys, too, but they’re only fun for a while and then they break your heart. I thought it was an odd pairing, but I imagined you saw something in him that the rest of us didn’t. You fell in love and you followed your heart and there’s nothing wrong with that. But the fact remains, you gotta look at what a guy’s into. He’s already twice divorced, and that’s a giant red flag. Not only that, but wife # 2 is a porn star, and the courts are pretty much deciding at this point that she’s an unfit mother. So you gotta wonder about a guy who’s attracted to women like that. He might find your talent, looks and spirit attractive, but at the end of the day it’s a tattooed skank that turns his crank. And even if he loves you he’s still going to fantasize about heavily tattooed fuck-dolls.

As a heavily tattooed woman (I got another one last night, actually) I am disgusted over this whole tattooed pin-up model/stripper thing. Girls like me got tattooed for many reasons, mostly because we’re unconventional in looks as well as life. The fact that it’s now considered mainstream sexy and a badge of honor sucks all the fun out of it. Add to the fact that people assume I am somehow involved in porn/smut/whatever because of my tattoos. I’m asked at work why I don’t tattoo in a bikini and heels, because there’s photo spreads of this all time. You wouldn’t install glass in a bikini and heels ’cause it’s impractical and dangerous, same for tattooing. Women fought for ages to prove that tattoos weren’t just for whores anymore. Well, looks like it went right back.

Fuck that skank, and fuck him for fucking her. The two deserve each other and can spiral themselves into a slimy, inky STD cocoon and die.

Sandy: Call me. I’m a good listener. And ironically, I find the novelty of untattooed skin to be arousing.

12:58 pm March, 18 Douchephus said...

I’m sure Sandra B doesn’t put out in the dark star, the tat bitch = most likely brown eye love.

1:05 pm March, 18 The Mars Vulva said...

Clearly the root of this problem is: strict religion, tattoed women, and the artists who tattoo them.

Time to start the scourge!

(I keed @Medusa Oblongata, I keed!)

1:07 pm March, 18 Wedgie said...

^^Try the decaf, Jerom.

I can’t believe Jesse James was having an affair with Marilyn Manson. Dude, that’s just wrong.

1:08 pm March, 18 Wedgie said...

Hey Jerome, here’s that extra “e” I left out in my post above.

Sorry, big guy.

1:09 pm March, 18 Wedgie said...

Hey, BTW Jerome, I thought your nickname was “Bus”. So shouldn’t you be ramming into us like a bus.

Just askin’. And you really should think about that decaf, man.

1:10 pm March, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

So she works the strip club by the airport now? Good for her. That is a classy place. I’ve never been, it just looks nice because it backs up to busy train tracks and is surrounded by rental car lots.

1:13 pm March, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ TMV 1:05

No, I’m inclined to agree. I grew up Roman Catholic and that’s about 60% of what’s wrong with me today. However, I don’t think I’m deep, original or rebellious for having tattoos. I’m pretty well convinced that I’m a dipshit for doing it, but it’s sort of an occupational hazard and I realize that it makes me look like a goofball. Meh. To wit, if it weren’t for tattooing, I’d probably be waiting tables somewhere, waiting for my Big Break into _______________. So I don’t think I’m making any special contribution to the world, I’m just an artist who figured how not to be a starving one. I hope this revelation will give you reason to spare me when the scourge begins. I’m actually useful to have around, I have my own firearms and I can make pie.

1:21 pm March, 18 boatbutter said...

Tat Wench is a SLAPWHOAR!

1:24 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

O my. I just deleted two posts by our little troll, including one where he’s yelling for “WHOEVER TO STOP DELETING MY POSTS” and it felt better than peeing in a horse. Tah-tah, Robbie John.

1:24 pm March, 18 Crucial Head said...

@Medusa,

I got about two sentences in to a comment about tattoos before I clicked refresh and saw this:

“However, I don’t think I’m deep, original or rebellious for having tattoos. I’m pretty well convinced that I’m a dipshit for doing it, but it’s sort of an occupational hazard and I realize that it makes me look like a goofball.”

That sums it up better than I ever could have.

I’m just happy that in my occupation, a long sleeve shirt and slacks can hind my youthful indiscretions.

And right about now, the recent addition to these comments threads (you know who) is giving me a bad case of youthful indigestion.

1:27 pm March, 18 Crucial Head said...

I would delete my own comment at 1:24, but I think it’s funny that I wrote “…can ‘hind’ my youthful…” Ahhh typos. How I love to hate ye.

I need to get back to work.

1:29 pm March, 18 Ronnie James Diouche said...

The guy used to bang Janine Lindemulder. Had a kid with her, right? He likes slutty hot chicks with nice cans and lots of tats…Why in the world is he with the worst actress of all time?

1:29 pm March, 18 Edvis said...

He’s not a DB, he’s an idiot.

1:30 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

Sandra Bullock once sweated on my treadmill. True Story.

Mrs. Sock at one time was high up with a big telecom company in Jackson (no, not WorldComm). Sandra Bullock was there filming “A Time To Kill” and was staying in the VP’s 2nd house on a PGA golf course in nearby Madison during the shoot. She’d asked if he had access to a treadmill and we sent ours over. I can only imagine her taut spandex clad body jogging along, pouring rivulets of sweat onto the running belt.

Nothing is more awkward than your wife catching you in the workout room at 2:00 am lick-searching for old sweat droplets.

1:30 pm March, 18 Southern Scrotic said...

Sandy seems like a nice girl, but not terribly bright. This latest episode confirms it. Why get married to a douche with a porn star ex? How did she think this would work out?

1:32 pm March, 18 Euripidouche said...

never mind the bullocks…here comes the sex pistols

friggin in the riggin

1:33 pm March, 18 Euripidouche said...

ok, and that link sucked

1:36 pm March, 18 Chad Kroeger said...

Does he have spray on abs? If he does they are in the wrong place. I never cared for her but what a douchebag. I see the troll has been chained up.

1:41 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

@ Chad K

heh heh it’s like popping bubble wrap. Addictive.

You big head sumbitch.

1:44 pm March, 18 Crucial Head said...

This new power is amazing.

I feel like this is an episode of Being John Malkovitch… only this is Being Jay Louis.

And the cool thing is, I get to sleep with his girlfriends too.

Riiiiiight boss?!

1:57 pm March, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

Seems Jesse likes his women naughty and tattooed. His wife, Janine Lindemuller, before Sandra was and is a lot hotter then this new scrag.

http://freejanine.com/

2:00 pm March, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Crucial Head^

I was going to say it’s like being Dennis Quaid in Inner Space, only I’m not too hip about roaming around in Martin Short. Better to be sitting next to Raquel Welch in The Fantastic Voyage.

Or maybe inside Raquel Welc – Splorp!

Sorry, where was I going with all that?

Oh yeah, it’s kinda like being the super comuter Zero in Roller Bal- Splorp!

Damn.

2:17 pm March, 18 Southern Scrotic said...

@Et Tu Douche?

Free Janine? I thought she was more of a rental.

2:19 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

I’m pretty sure those white stripes on Jesse Jame’s belly are tan lines from repeated outdoor shirtless attempts to suck himself off.

Sandra, if you’re out there…call me. I still got that treadmill. And by treadmill I mean thing I hang shirts on while sorting clean laundry.

2:31 pm March, 18 Chad Kroeger said...

Tiger is a bigger douche. New website sextingjoslynjames.com is going to crush his little head. Jesse gets a news cycle pass for the next few days or weeks.

Clean examples:

Tiger: ” Next time I see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right I will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy”

Tiger: ” Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat”

Where’s TOR?

2:37 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

TOR?

Doesn’t ring a bell, Chad.

2:44 pm March, 18 Crucial Head said...

TOR?

Toot Orifice Reamer?

2:47 pm March, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa

A natural redhead who owns firearms? *thump thump, thump thump, thump thump* (heart is racing) What do you own if you don’t mind me asking?

As far as the Fuckstick Jesse James: you know why I hate this asshole? HE KEEPS LOSING HIS FUCKING DOG! The dog has more brains than he does (obviously) because she keeps running away. If anyone out there finds the dog, please send it to me. It is an absolutely gorgeous pit bull by the asinine name of Cinnabun. I hate most people but I’m a sucker for animals (Is it weird that myself and Mrs. Dr. HoneyDouche have 4 cats and 2 ferrets? Nah, we’re OK, right? Yeah, I thought so.).

And then cheating on Sandy B. with something I’d have a hard time fucking with Jon Gosselin’s dick? C’mon asshat, why eat roadkill when you have a perfectly good, disease-free steak at home? I’ll never understand why these “celebrities” cheat on good lookin’ wimmen.

2:57 pm March, 18 Barack O'Bagga and The Audacity of scrote said...

Ahem. Now that Don Sr. Head has been empowered to delete comments, I just wanted to take the opportunity to say that I never really meant that shit I said about your wife, and none of it really happened.

Do not believe a word she says.

Women lie.

If there is one lesson we all can learn from Jesse James, it’s that women lie all the time.

And I like my handle too much to change it to something else more pummel-fist-horse-LLahmer-fat-umlaut-y.

Kindest Regards,

Barack

3:05 pm March, 18 Crucial Head said...

@Barack,

Like any decent politician, I can be bought with a few un-marked bills or a tap of the foot beneath a random restroom stall.

The choice is yours, my friend.

Make it count.

3:20 pm March, 18 Sorta Damocles said...

Crucial Head @3:05 FTW

3:31 pm March, 18 Wedgie said...

Darksock:

I appreciate your newfound powers, very cool. An unfortunate side effect, however, is that all of our posts ridiculing that fuckstick that followed his post now look like the insane ramblings of a drunkard having hallucinations.

What to do, what to do. Such a quandry. Well, it’s almost 5 pm in sunny SoCal, so I’ll go with my usual solution.

Dry Ketel Martini, three blue cheese olives. Always makes me feel better.

3:43 pm March, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ DBHD 2:47

One of these and one of these and one of these lil’ cuties and if I’m a good girl this weekend, I’ll be the proud owner of one of these.

4:26 pm March, 18 Troy Tempest said...

right now I’m taking a break from building a bibliography.

I’ve known about Sandra Bullocks’ marriage to a massive douchenozzle since they got married. I was in a waiting room waiting to get a flu shot and was rummaging through the gossip mags and bingo – a picture of SB and her idiot hubby. I thought:

Now, Sandy baby – what the FUCK are you thinkin’ there girlie? You’re only a few years younger than me, which means you should have more sense than gettin’ some jackass retarded biker dick to stir your stew. Oy yoi yoi.

I figured it would end in tears, and check it out ladies and germs: I was right.

Speaking of “It’ll end in tears”, Alex Chilton died. And that has me sad. A song he wrote was covered by another band and it played a very interesting role in a relationship I had a long time ago…

Here’s the tune: Kangaroo

I saw Alex Chilton play at the 9.30 club in DC back in the 80s. He was fucking awesome. A great songwriter who never got his proper due.

Oh I want you – like a kangaroo…

Raise a glass to the memory of Alex Chilton!

And Sandy? I wish we were friends back then, cuz we’d be friends today and I could say

I TOLD JA SO!!!!

5:11 pm March, 18 Ł£ÅmMÆhh said...

@ Wedgie

all of our posts…now look like the insane ramblings of a drunkard having hallucinations

Hey that’s worked for me on this site for 2 years.

5:44 pm March, 18 DarkSock said...

Indeed.

5:52 pm March, 18 Troy Tempest said...

Ummm, Mr Darksock? Whenever Ł£ÅmMÆhh posts, your picture shows up next to it.

Are you trying to tell us something or is some evil Evil EVIL scumsucking trolling dickweed messing with us or did you have a typing accident?

🙂

6:24 pm March, 18 Bagneto said...

Gotta say I love Sandy… forgot she was married to this clown ass bitch…

I guess his thinking is that this outcast barn-builder, daddy hater was somehow “keepin’ it real,” and his Oscar winning, girl next door, “lucky to have had him wife” was not.

If we’re lucky a Mack Truck will “Blind Side” (you like that) Jesse James and this Slam Pig while he’s riding one day.

Unfortunately, douches don’t die; they multiply.

6:50 pm March, 18 Wedgie said...

I must have missed Sandra Bullock in Summer School. I thought it was Kirstie Alley, in the days before she went on the Porch Meat Diet.

11:22 pm March, 18 Steve L. said...

yep yep. celebrity life IS boring.

3:23 am March, 19 Blair said...

He doesn’t “go by” Jesse James, DB1. He was given that name at birth. That’s like declaring to the world, “My son will be a huge douchewank!” It’s like naming your daughter Alexis, knowing that she’ll turn into a total whore.

5:55 am March, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa 3:43

I kinda picture you like

this but only with red hair (huminah huminah huminah). Might I suggest one of <a href=" these. If you got $2700 burning a hole in your pocket I highly recommend one. They’re so choice.

6:28 am March, 19 my friends call me @$$hole said...

“Jesse James” is a total fuckwad? i’m stunned…

6:31 am March, 19 Deltus said...

He’s definitely douchechoad, but more than that he’s a complete idiot. This is a guy who didn’t just marry above his station, if he were to simply marry above his station, and then that other hypothetical woman were to divorce him and them marry above *her* station, and then *that* guy were to divorce hypothetical chick and marry Sandra Bullock? HE would be marrying above his station. That’s how lucky and good this Jesse James idiot had it. Fucking retard.

7:42 pm March, 19 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

@Medusa

I grew up Roman Catholic and that’s about 100% of what’s wrong with me today. I feel your pain.

And Jesse James is a turd.

10:13 pm March, 19 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ DBHD

Yeah, that’s about right. Now scribble some tattoos all over her and give her a death scowl and that’s exactly what I look like.

Ugh….I wish I had $2700 burning a hole in my pocket…I gotta get a nice, high fence installed this spring. That, and solar generators, I want off the grid ASAP. I’m not just a firearms enthusiast….I’m a paranoid lunatic.

10:41 pm March, 19 Comex_Preacher said...

i think im going to create a paintball gun that shoots toxic paintballs, then kill all the famous people i hate with it, and then sell the gun to the highest bidder.

11:46 am March, 21 Veni, Vidi, Douchey said...

All I can say about the no-doubt pending JJ/SB divorce is . . . YES!!! Finally!! My fantasy life has been waiting out that marriage for far too long! Now, my completely absurd and pointless sex fantasies about Sandra can feature her as a woman who needs to feel attractive after a betrayal, with something to prove in bed, instead of the usual ‘reluctant but consenting’ scenarios where we have to keep our rendezvous secret because she’s married. I would pump on her until my spine melted, and then I’d have it replaced with an Adamantium spine just so I could pump on her for even for a second longer. There is nothing more on earth I want to hear than Sandra huffing out “Stop it, I just can’t orgasm any more” before falling exhausted into a sex-induced fatigue sleep. That being said, her movies suck, and I don’t go to them, nor will I ever, unless she finally drops her top so we can all see Heaven. Thanks for being a dumbass JJ!!!

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