Friday, March 19, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humble narrator is hard at work polishing his site’s redesign. And by “polishing his site’s redesign,” I mean a Madlibian euphemism for:

1. Masturbation

2. Alcohol

3. Tasty Mr. Pibb, which is superior to Dr. Pepper, even if it only has an undergraduate degree.

Yup. Makin’ no sense, takin’ no names, and playin’ no Pac-Man.

Here’s your links:

Who wants some fuccen Nesquick?

Anyone who thinks all those “Game” strategies to seduce women by acting like a choad have run their course, think again. There’s: Project Charm.

Reader Justin La Plante (no relation to Ass Pear La Plante) has started up a Facebook series on Douche Rock. Give a fellow ‘bag hunter some support.

Need a job? How about Tanning Butler?

Documentary I’m most excited to see in 2010? American: The Bill Hicks Story.

Best gameshow ever. French women are uber-gnaw.

Christian Audiger shits on a Cadillac.

And, even more depressingly, unveils the Ed Hardy Wedding Cake. Guaranteeing six months of wedded bliss and a lifetime of Valtrex.

“Ganguro,” a highly toxic new strain of Douchebaguette, heads for American shores.

Epic Fail finds Epic Freak. (Warning: disturbingly creepy)

Sometimes an HCwDB pic needs a little Facebookian Context for true ‘bag effect.

Ya know, some days I want to venture to a museum of modern art. I want to contemplate Degas and Van Gogh and Renoir. I want to drink in the highest accomplishments of the human race. And other days, I just want to watch Ass Pear playing xBox.

And while an actual Ass Pear pic seems anticlimaxtic after that clip, here’s your Friday Ass Pear:

Chrome Pear.

Go forth, friends. Go forth, and ferment. For the weekend is thine.

# posted by douchebag1
12:03 pm March, 19 Wheezer said...

I love the Ass Pears!

12:11 pm March, 19 Horace Dangleballs said...

“The position requires a uniform, however — an official “Tanning Butler” T-shirt and holster for carrying bottles of sunscreen — so you can differentiate between the official butler and creeps trying to get frisky.”

But, a few paragraphs later…

“Oh, and if you’d like a tanning butler T-shirt, the Ritz sells them for $29.50 a piece. So you, too, can convince the ladies — or gents — that you’re qualified to apply sunscreen.”

So, the “official uniform” is for sale for $29.50? How much for the spritz bottle, then? And does the butler get a giant spatula to flip the tanners if they’re too lazy to roll their carcass over for an even tan?

12:13 pm March, 19 Euripidouche said...

well, hello fresh-scrubbed looking teenage prego(i know its the dress, but its how they look to me) and your supportive sassy gay friend who hasn’t yet met a boy and is living vicariously through the slutdom he pushes you toward, and hi to the older sister who met the new megachurch preacher right at the time he was beginning to have a huge career, the one who talked fresh-scrubbed out of having the abortion by threatening to cut a bitch if she went through with it….whew…ok now time to look at asspear.

12:16 pm March, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

Gay. With his exchange student housemates Inga And Helga, whom have shared many of the tales of the ways of the gay, Hans had his one hetero experience which by the power of TOR turned him into a douchebag porcupine.

12:17 pm March, 19 scrotum pole said...

I can’t link to the friday ass pear damnit. Is it because I’m not a mod? (After all I’m a Rocker.)

12:19 pm March, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

TOR will no longer be mentioned for his little head leaves him as the one who must not be named.

12:21 pm March, 19 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

I Love Ass-Box Pear

**clicks off**

12:24 pm March, 19 Crucial Head said...

How did DarkSock’s avatar show up in the article for Ganguro?

12:34 pm March, 19 Howlermonkey said...

Weird, the link for the ass pear only shows up for me in the comments page. Not sure if it’s a glitch or if Chrome can’t handle the site.

12:35 pm March, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

I used to have a souped up Navigator, which after 10 years, a wife and 2 kids later, was very douchebag. This Escalade is appalling douche. Must run to the store to get my Friday bottle of Jack before the wife gets home. I go in my 2005 Chevy Venture. Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Canada is cool by the way. Only 25 miles to buffalo???????????????????????????????

Have a drunk fuccken weekend!!!!!!!!!!

12:38 pm March, 19 Crucial Head said...

And before I forget, Bill Hicks was one of the funniest men to ever walk the face of this cursed planet.

Scatmunchers!!!!

12:43 pm March, 19 Crucial Head said...

And Chrome Pear really is fantastic. I want to touch it. But not in a sexual way… you perverts.

Just in a way that involves my penis inside of it.

12:46 pm March, 19 doucheywallnuts said...

Ganguro is more frightening that anything I have seen in quite some time. Ebola, gangrene, piranas, snookie, AIDS, Ed Hardy, Ellen in a swimsuit, Oprah without make-up hair and proper lighting, the tattooed broad Jesse James was banging all pale in comparison that is the horror that is Ganguro. And because of this, we need many more than two ass pear pictures to counter this horrifying image.

12:51 pm March, 19 El Caganer said...

This site really doesn’t work well with my blackberry. The old version worked better. It doesn’t show updated comments or posts once you log in. Worst of all, it cut off todays asspear pic. No Link. Any upgrades for us mobile users?

12:56 pm March, 19 Army of DOuche-ness said...

i googled the word ganguro and the girls in the wikipedia article about it looked actually kinda cute in a “Mid-summer night’s dream” theme party kinda way…not sure if the girls in the blog link just took it too far or weren’t as naturally attractive and then the ganguroi made it worse but i’m willing to imagine that Ganguro is like Indian girls….unbelievably sexually hot or completely not.

Of course the Facebook douche is Turkish…he’s got immigrant or first gen american insecurity written all over him.

killer ass-pears.

Army of DOuche-ness

12:56 pm March, 19 scrotum pole said...

After seeing that Ganguro site, I was thinking maybe it’s time that I go full-on gay, but chrome ass pear and video game pear pulled me back from the brink.

Damn that was a close one.

12:56 pm March, 19 Vin Douchal said...

If a Ganguro Douchebaguette mated with Epic Freak their offspring would look like this

THIS

Also, I have a link to Chrome pear nekkid with no clothes on. But I ain’t talking

1:01 pm March, 19 Troy Tempest said...

Chrome pear looks kind of frankensteinian. Like, she had her legs cut off by a train, just below the knees, and they did a really clean job of sewing them back on, but the scars remain…

1:02 pm March, 19 Troy Tempest said...

Chrome pear reminds me: I like my women how I like my coffee.

Chopped up in the freezer.

1:05 pm March, 19 Publius Choadius Naso said...

Did Epic Freak remind anyone of Francis Dolarhyde from Red Dragon?

1:06 pm March, 19 Wheezer said...

To the panel:

Do we need a new word for ‘hipsterbag’ now, too?

1:08 pm March, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Jesse James-Sandra Bullock follow up.

Dudes, if you are going to cheat on the old lady with a gal with shitty tattoos like THESE

At least make sure the front looks like THIS

1:09 pm March, 19 El Caganer said...

Ganguro would look hot with a blacklight on.

@Vin

Thanks for nothing. That’s just mean.

1:12 pm March, 19 Southern Scrotic said...

The french game show needed a camera on the *other* side of the barrels.

French girls are epic gnawable.

1:15 pm March, 19 Army of DOuche-ness said...

btw, can we rename the “Eurobag 16” to something related to Bret Easton Ellis stories related to LA in the easrly-mid 80’s?

BEEbag?

Easton Elliscrote?

Less than 0scrote?

“Disappear-here”-bag?

Informers-bag?

Clay-bag?

graham-bag? a random graham-bag of douche?

1:28 pm March, 19 yum said...

I wonder if the french ass pear playing xbox is clenching her cheeks consciously or because shes that into the game? thoughts?

1:33 pm March, 19 Deltus said...

Ganguro frightened me like few other things I’ve seen on this site have before. Then I saw Ass-Box Playing Pear, and all that horror was completely forgotten. My god, the things I’d do just for a chance to touch that butt once…

And yum, whether the butt flexing was voluntary or involuntary, does it matter? Never before has the twitching of my erection and the recorded twitching of some uberhott’s buttocks been so absolutely linked. It was downright Pavlovian.

1:40 pm March, 19 Anonymous said...

Remember to stand up you eggs on end Saturday. Its the spring equinox.

1:41 pm March, 19 Just Sayin said...

Ganguro – straight out of Japan. Methinks it’s time to fire up another Big Boy.

1:44 pm March, 19 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The inventor of that French gameshow obstacle course needs to be the subject of a “real men of genius” commercial pronto. This buds for you, Mr. Boobs a poppin’ wardrobe malfunction log roll creator!

2:00 pm March, 19 Anonymous said...

Thanks for linking me guys!!

Melissa

from Boredom.No.Moredom.

2:02 pm March, 19 Melissa said...

Thanks for linking me guys on the Ganguro post!!!

Melissa

from

Boredom.No.Moredom

for the cubically oppressed.

2:23 pm March, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The douche in this picture looks like the bastard love child of Johnny Bravo and Joe Buck. God how I hate Joe Buck. His father = awesome announcer. Joe Buck = sucks a bag of dicks. I STILL remember watching the 2004 World Series and him whining like a little schoolgirl with s skinned knee trying his damndest to make it out like the Sox should lose.

Ganguro: I will go kamikaze on one of them if I see it. On second thought, where did I put that machete? Ritual be-headings rule!

2:26 pm March, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

Ganguro. What the fuck is that? Half lizard, half man, half yikes, half DS. Too many halves??? I wouldn’t rear end that in the dark with my sister’s cockkk!

2:27 pm March, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

And she has a huge head.

3:02 pm March, 19 fatness said...

re: Ganguro

I thought I had already lost all hope of redemption of the current crop of 15-25 females what with their tendency to hop on douchebags and all, but this actually found a little that was hiding in a dark corner and lost it too.

3:14 pm March, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

DB1: @ facebook-Banacek Burrows. Canadian douchebags on St.Patricks Day. I don’t know how to put in a fancy link cause it’s cold up here and I’m old watching Hannah Montana with the young’ns and drunk as fuck.. These guys are supreme douchebags beyond their years. I went to high school with them. They were cool back then.

3:37 pm March, 19 nona said...

Apparently they’ve found Porch Beef on Facebook. Who knew?!!

4:07 pm March, 19 Anonne Huntress said...

That ganguro shit? I have the same feeling as the person commenting in Epic Freak: Kill it, kill it with fire!

4:12 pm March, 19 Lithi said...

Is there no end to the scrote stain that is Ed Hardy? That taint is slithering in like a giant rabid octopus, grabbing everything in its path with its slime-ridden tentacles. Nothing short of nuclear warfare is going to stop this shit, I’m afraid.

5:14 pm March, 19 Melissa said...

Many of us women will take a stand against douchebags.

I applaud this woman for not only making fun of these idiots, but doing it all in a bikini!!

http://melissadesa.wordpress.com/2009/07/31/one-daring-girl-in-a-bikini/

Melissa

Boredom.No/Moredom

5:24 pm March, 19 Justin la Plante said...

Thanks for the linkage HCWDB. WE NEED TO STAND UP AGAINST THE STAIN OF DOUCHE seeping into our music.

I’m trying to decide if I should do dream theater, disturbed or nickelback next.

5:48 pm March, 19 Hail to the Queef said...

I can’t tell if those Ganguro chicks are racist or love raccoons.

5:48 pm March, 19 Troy Tempest said...

My balls itch.

8:47 pm March, 19 Comex_Preacher said...

this guys hair is weird, enough said, and now to a different subject, i just went on youtube and it said “videos being watched now: justin beiber”. wtf?! how the fuck is he so popular and how does he get that many hits on youtube?! that fucking cunt needs to get fucked by Saddam Hussein in hell.

8:53 pm March, 19 Comex_Preacher said...

and so justin beiber is just as much of a douche as this guy in the pic.

9:41 pm March, 19 Baleen said...

Knowing that I can get home from work late, with the wife and kids in slumber land, and fire up my shitty old Dell for some mind numbing inter tubes and a drink- well Ass Pear is the perfect prelude to the dance between Brawny, and Jergens, and myself that will ensue later.

10:01 pm March, 19 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m about to pass out from exhaustion, so I’ll just quickly say this while I’m still conscious. Just Sayin @ 4:41 beat me to it, but now there’s two of us with the same idea. Japan, you have been warned. We will do it again.

@ Vin 1:08

Both sides are equally disturbing, IMHO. Nothin’ a bag over her head won’t fix…..

@ Melissa:

It is common knowledge here at HCWDB that all new female contributors are required to be approved by yours truly before they can begin to post. Please send lingerie pics of yourself to kate@nastyrubber.com and I will notify you as soon as your status is approved.

*Shut the fuck up you guys, it’s gonna work this time, damnit*

RE Project Charm: Nice to see another Chicago fat fuck making an asshole of himself. I’m sure this “Goddess” of his will be thrilled to know that their relationship is borne of bullshit manipulative mind games. Way to go, tubby. I’ll see you at Johnnie’s, choking down another Italian beef and a lemon ice, crying like a little bitch next Wednesday. Nimrod.

Christian Audigier: Please see my above warning to Japan. This also applies to you. Radiation poisoning puts a lot of things into perspective.

Have a pleasant weekend, ‘bag boys and girls. I’m going to go pass out and by that I don’t mean masturbate.

10:06 pm March, 19 Comex_Preacher said...

if your bored this will just make things even weirder. its like watching paint dry on lsd, and then hallucinating about watching paint dry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b6sTInmxHg

10:23 pm March, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Ganguro is one scary phenomenon, like a Hallowe’en that wouldn’t quit and hi-jacked Raggedy Ann in the process. Reminds me of some of those north African tribes with the painted faces, googly eyes and ginormous toothy smiles. Could National Geographic and Smithsonian be more influential than previously thought?

Ass pears in motion may be a good antidote, as long as Proceed at Your Own Risk is posted before male appendages seek rear entry. Nothing like an ass pear with lotsa links to more of the same, Db1, all da fellas here must be prostrate with thanks on this one! Or the prostates are, mebbe both.

10:27 pm March, 19 Comex_Preacher said...

have a great weekend guys,

i hope your weekend is more fun then finding justin beiber lying in the road half dead, and then drowning him in paint to finish him off, can you believe that fucking fag motherfucker has now bought himself a range rover?! bet he wont even be able to see over the wheel, hopefully he’ll crash it and die, someone argued with me on youtube that his songs are good, er no, hello there fucking shit, his new song is called”baby”, well ill tell you something ill fucking shove him back up his mothers pussy where he belongs, because he is a just a idiot baby.

1:02 am March, 20 Chad Kroeger said...

I just woke from a Hannah Montana and some other Disney mill fueled movie. But my eyes have been fried by this Justin Bieber and the booze soaked nightmares I will suffer to avoid divorce.

He is supposed to be a Canadian. For that, my friends, I will soak my head in my in bootleg whiskey while cheating on my wife with young office girls with accounting designations and grieve. And apologize for Celine Dion. We don’t want her back.

2:29 am March, 20 Douchble Helix said...

WTF? Looks like Project Charm is some sort of ‘for profit’ website!

4:53 am March, 20 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Ganguro might look cute on select 15-18 year old Japanese girls. Outside of that demographic lurks madness.

5:08 am March, 20 Douchble Helix said...

All the newly-deputized-lord-god-king-bufu-baghunters in unison:

“RESPECT MY AUTHORITY”

5:48 am March, 20 DarkSock said...

It’s pronounced “AUTHORI-TAYYY”.

7:05 am March, 20 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger, you a light bulb lookin’ motherfucker.

8:56 am March, 20 El Caganer said...

I am against trying to get rid of the douchebags. They should be encouraged then mocked behind their backs. Just like drug addiction, it has to be their choice to quit.

Idiot consumers like them are the driving force behind my retail endeavers. I have never found a product to be too stupid to sell.

8:58 am March, 20 El Caganer said...

The Obama el caganer statue is the perfect example.

9:38 am March, 20 Missus Maggie said...

Also Pet Rocks, Chia Pets, Fake tatoo sleeves and Ronald Reagan.

11:49 am March, 20 Sorta Damocles said...

Ass-Box Playing Pear….Jeezus where do I start? I must have watched that 5 times and I know I’ll be back. That’s just tasty goodness. As for the flexing being voluntary/involuntary…I’d say involuntary as my impending orgasm. People do all kinds of weird leaning and twisting when playing those games…but never, ever have they been so lovely.

“This is what girls must feel like when they look at a sunset” – Mitch Fatel

11:56 am March, 20 Sorta Damocles said...

Not that Chrome Pear is anything to shake a stick at….and by stick I mean anything other than my penis.

That’s the same lovely flesh chalice as Rudolph Pear, right? She might deserve her own revered spot a la LaPlante.

2:05 pm March, 20 Melissa said...

LOL@ Medusa Oblongada. Nice try. You definitely made me grin though. The only pic you will partially see of me is on the “Who Is Saving Me From My Boredom?” page in the top right corner of my homepage. But I’m sure it’s Amish by everyone’s standards on the interwebs.

I come to this site every so often to check out all the funny shit. Hope you enjoy my site too. And by “site” I mean “site”.

Later!

Melissa

Boredom.No.Moredom

http://melissadesa.wordpress.com

10:56 pm March, 20 Steve L. said...

whoa the tanning butler made it to the Friday T&L. thank you DB1.

11:07 pm March, 20 Steve L. said...

oh my.

who needs Chrome Pear when you have Melissa’s shadowy and sinisterly tantalizing silhouette?

no need for the lingerie photos Melissa. i’ve already jizzed a few times. i’m a jizz rat like that.

11:10 pm March, 20 Steve L. said...

but i see you too, Xbox pear. and i have nothing to say other than: JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING BICYCLE.

i just wish you were playing Bioshock 2 or something.

12:34 am March, 21 Melissa said...

Word of the year: Jizz rat.

7:41 am March, 21 Euripidouche said...

jizz rats in skinner boxes.

5:24 pm March, 21 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Snork

Damn, Melissa, forget the lingerie pics, that will do nicely. You are one curvy dish, arooooga! Makes me want to eat more red beans and rice so I can grow up to be the same way.

What the hell does that mean….

6:46 pm March, 21 Melissa said...

It means you wanna be a chick.

6:46 pm March, 21 Melissa said...

….or in a Sir Mix A Lot video.

7:15 pm March, 21 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Melissa–

I am a chick. Ha ha, you have a lesbian stalker!!! Don’t worry. I’m only gay on Sundays ’cause it makes the Church mad.

8:03 pm March, 21 Steve L. said...

glad you liked the word “jizz rat” Melissa. because, if not, then… uh… do i have to apologize every time i jizz, then? that would royally fuck me over. because i’ve just found your face on your Twitter account, as advertised on your blog. so i think you’re inevitably going to see the term “jizz rat” a lot more often.

there goes 2 more brand new bars of soap when i take a shower today.

3:15 am March, 22 Blair said...

I ran “ganguro” through babelfish. Means “blackface”

5:16 am March, 22 End the Haberdouchery said...

Pay no attention to the troll above, through my connections in the pharmaceutical industry I’ve found a way to make Valtrex out of my garage! Let me know if any of you are similarly afflicted and also interested in producing Guatemalan pharmacy grade drugs in your own home!

    6:19 am March, 22 DarkSock said...

    @ End the Hab: Troll? I see no troll…

8:21 am March, 22 Melissa said...

Medusa – lol, my bad. I should’ve assumed with the name!! Still, flattered lol.

Steve – Well, there goes MY mystique eh?

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