Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"Hairapalooza 2010" at the Decatur High Parking Lot
Zeke’s retro 80s themed after-school party was off to a pretty inauspicious start.
Only the ladies from Glee Club had bothered to show. And Zeke knew they were just there to build the college transcipt.
But then Lonnie, an art school aspirant with indeterminant sexual orientation, also showed up.
But Lonnie was only there because he’s writing the whole thing up for the school paper, “The Razor.”
So Zeke was pretty bummed.
But he decided to rock out anyway.
My hat's off to DB1. The portrayal of Lonnie, as a tragic figure, is perfect.
Poor Lonnie.
ah yes, young bag hunters, when scamming on the high school trim, always go for the one who doesn't bother to hide the beer for the pic,she's the one who is trying to act out for her parent's attention
you can tell she is marking her territory with her leg on the shoulder of crouching band geek, hidden rent boy, because if that slut kayleigh gets her thigh sweat on him its over.
Then Zeke stole Lonnie's wallet to impress the girls.
Zeke took the contents of Lonnie's wallet and as Rick Reilly of ESPN.com would say, "Don't know how he went on with life without his six bucks, his Subway card and his two-year-old condom."
^That's a crunchy condom for sure.
Still, Zeke's odds are looking good. he only needs a 20% kill rate to come up smilin'.
Later that day, Lonnie went home and hung himself in his parents closet.
What, too soon?
I gotta go fist-pump the shit out of the rest of my Wednesday.
Lonnie would come to school the next day in a trench coat and make them all sorry.
Also too soon?
As they say in Cincinnati (Home of the Red Legs):
Zeke started to Harang his Stubbs in front of the girls who then quickly Nix his advances as his Votto Vine, which he called his Arroyo Wood, was Rolen in the Wells they left behind in the beer cooler.
The icey water in the Hopper was not the Lecure for his amorous feelings however the fridged water made his package turn the color of a Lincoln penny causing him to Bray and his cockk hole to Leake what seemed like Miles of puss from the STD he caught sharing a Miller beer bottle for anal sex with a syphilitic carnival Barker who called himself Bruce The Barbarian that resembled Janice Dickerson on a two week cocaine and gin bender…
… and Jonny Gomes is a punk ass rabbit punching bitch
That's all I've got , goodnight Ohio …
In just 10 years, Lonnie would get the last laugh by making $250K a year as an OB/GYN while Zeke would still be changing oil at the Jiffy Lube.
Sometimes life really does have a happy ending.
Make the hair a little bigger and throw in a rusty IROC behind them, and it could be my high school.
Just as Lonnie worked up the courage to finally ask out that spunky girl from algebra class in the parking lot after school, she swigged her Red Bull, let out a burp, lifted one leg, and–*BOING*–out popped a mutant baby from her cooter.
I bet they all gang up on Lonnie to break his cherry… naturally, Zeke will want to be 1st
and the mutant baby got up and sang, "Oh life on the farm is kinda laid back,
nothing for a boy to do but hack,
gonna get it now gonna get her in the sack,
thank god I'm a horses ass.
Well my wife she's young
but my grandma's old
gonna cook her now
gonna throw her on the stove
better eat her now cuz she's gettin cold
thank god I'm a horses ass.
Well I got me a hammer
and I got me a nail
gonna fix my head
to the side of a pail
train's a-coming now
gonna lay on the rail!
Thank god I'm a horses ass."
And at that final line the baby shat itself and demanded to crawl back up her cooter. But she wouldn't have it because everytime she'd be fuckin some dude, he'd pull out, convinced that the crittur was giving him a blow job up inside her cooter, and that was too freaky.
And it was a crittur. It wasn't just some baby – it was a puppy. A puppy named Banjo whose dream was to sing the blues and drag itself around on its cunt all day long.
@Medusa
And Lonnie's last word were "I'll show them. I'll show them ALL!"
Lonnie would later write about Zeke, the heroic larger-than-life figure that proved there was life after losing your lower lip and jawbone to malignant Skoal-Grapes.
"That girl's feet are bigger than my Dad's!"
…thought Lonnie.
"She must be able to waterski barefoot like a fuccen champ".
Lonnie's got a weekend's worth of dope in his backpack. That's why they keep him around. Wait til' these chicks get a taste of his personal stash. Next thing you know, a corpse turns up in the dumpster behind the local Denny's. And Zeke is pegged. Way to go Lonnie!
That's actually Axl Rose. He's yelling, "I don't owe you ANY money, bitches!"
Lonnie is his lawyer. Pro bono, cuz Axl's the shit.
Good luck, Axl…
^ speaking of Axl Rose and lawyers, his (former?) manager just sued him to $2 million. i wouldn't be surprised.
FUCK i'll have to think long and hard about the mess that is Hairapalooza.
and by think i mean masturbate.
@ myself 10:15 PM, first post,
sued him FOR $2 million.
lolwutrprepositions
I think they just wanna have fun and the general douche level is low enough to get away with just hangin' with the broads.
Ceptin' for skinny there on the right. Underage curiosity is not healthy.
after copious masturbation over this truckload of truly superb hotts, i have come to the conclusion that Zeke's truck has the douchiest modded rims this side of Decatur and that Lonnie's surname may be Zone. what do you expect from someone whose paper is titled "The Razor"? you don't fool me, Lonnie.
@ Medusa, I love you even more.
Plumpkin on the right knows something her cheerleader friends don't…..Lonnie's hung like Grade 1 horseradish, not Trimmings Dick in front.
Zeke Baranovich: Parking Lot OB/GYN
Lonnie: "Sis, Mom says to come home right now."
Sis: "Fuck off Lonnie. Mom's not the boss of me."
Lonnie: "She will be after I show her the pictures of you and Zeke with that sheep."
^ Heh, heh.
Fast forward 20 yrs and Zeke says to Lonnie, "Sir, today Wax-n-Shine jobs are 30% off."
Lonnie just wishes all these people would get off his dad's truck, so he can go home and get his advanced calc homework done and someday TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Burst out laughing reading this entry, one of the funniest imho. Poor Lonnie so out of place in the pic. thanks db1!