Wednesday, March 3, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: Captain Rehab and Luane


A tough three-way split in very tight voting. And by tight, I mean Zebra boobies. But with a three douche run including Where’s Trojan Helmet?, Corporal Faux and Corporal Faux in the Water, Ubiquitous Luane brought Ubiquitous Red Cup and Capt. Rehab to a peak shaped win. The voters speak:

memphis doucheworkers local 421: captain rehab and luanne, for introducing herpes into somebody’s water supply

Tony Ventresca: My vote goes to the Captain & Luana, but a close second to the Cartoonbags, and ONLY because Luana is hotter than Kara and obviously a human female instead of the plastic Auton that is Kara.

Bob: I give it to the Captain and Luane for the natural boobage, and stupid shades, fauxhawk, dumb tatts, URC, and a SPW.

Dex: Rehab, on the other hand, has a head that is much too big. Much much too big. So if I were to push him over to see if whatever holding his hair up was water-soluble or not, I feel confident there wouldn’t be any repercussions. And Luane looks like she might be into that sort of thing. I’d push over an entire army of terracotta warriors domino-style for her.

Douchesquire: Though the angle is wrong, you can see the supple back arch and out-thrust butt, leading me to believe she likes it from behind, which is a winner. He jut sucks, for all the reasons that are glaringly apparent. Especially those glasses. And pink shorts. And 6 lb watch. And close encounters faux-hawk. And ear bling. etc. there needs to be some chlorine added to that gene pool.

Captain Bringdown: Captain Rehab is a synergistic scrotisserie of poor choices that began the moment his club foot hit the hotel rug that morning. Each painful decision apparently scrutinized for the ability to maximizing his appeal to rapists of midget Elvis impersonators or cognitively disabled UFO cultists. If Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite had a butt-love baby born in the throes of auto-erotic asphyxiation with its own rectal umbilical cord, this is how it would dress.

LCDouche Scrotesystem: The reason Cap’n gets my salute, however, is his overall effect on me. He didn’t wake up a douche… he had the costume hanging up ready to go, though. He’s really TRYING to squeeze every last douch-drop out of his bloated Gunt. He is in this fight for the long haul, no matter how many people he nauseates along the way.

Ashfish: If only he had been standing in Hilo Bay when this was taken, he could have gotten taken out in the tsunami surges.If we’re lucky, those green skulls will come to life and eat out his heart. Yeah, I’m grumpy.

Maxim Kovalenko: Captain Rehab FTW. I had something scathing and epic written for this one, but conflicting edits killed it, just like the DNA gray water in this picture is killing my soul.

Douche Mengia: Arrrr Captain rehab for spreading the douche scurvy (herps) to schools of sluts and fish. Cancer to the eyes of your mother. And by mother, I mean YOU.

TheReverendDoom: Capt Retard and the hott Luane for the win… Luane is all sorts of hot and the Captain looks like he held in a giant pencil sharpener for 10 minutes that day.

Abdouchah the Butcher: I’m going with the Captain and Luanne because he is total buffoon ‘bag overdrive and she strikes my fancy. Which I like.

There’s just no beating cloudy water, fungal tatts, six pound watch and douche-hair, people. Anyone who doesn’t see the uberdouche and pseudo-librarian hottness/skankness of confusion in this pic has become too jaded by hottie/douchey cohabit. However, almost winning and coming in a very close second was the outrageousness of Cara and Toon:

clamfist: Cartoon bags ftw. If asked to draw the perfect douche couple, this is what I would come up with. Of course, you would have to use your imagination, because all I can draw is stick figures.

Dr. DB: Toon Bag – he actually perpetuates the Douche virus with his tough persona, as the younger crowd will try to emulate his style. This is why he must be stopped. And by stopped I mean mocked behind a blogger name, because honestly he frightens me.

MoeDouche: Cartoonbags FTW! I just want to see Kara’s silicon-filled balloons again in the monthly drawing.

boatbutter: I don’t want to vote for the Cartoonbags because they’re over the top and we’ve seen a million of their tribe, but that’s also exactly why I have to. Thus if the Paradox of Douche.

Charles Nelson Douchely: Even though Kara auditioning for “Nanny Dickering: The Motion Picture”, I must acknowledge the successful mixture of a douchey shirt with ridiculous tats, my vote has to go towards Toon.

Poor Shiyen and her assorted DJ Douches. So innocent, but not enough to gain the support of true hottie/douchey toxicity. But still, enough to pull some votes just for sexy eyes.

jimmymanners: I’d call it for toon easily if Kara was an actual hott. But she ain’t. Rehab would beat DJ SB by himself, but I likes me some Shiyen. Since Luane and Shiyen both brought it multiple ways I’m going on the totality of their work. Shiyen and DJ SB FTW.

IRA Darth Aggie: Cartoonbags FTW. The hotts are all hot, the ‘bags are all poo. But you can not escape the douchiness of Cartoonbags, as they epitomize what is wrong with the choad & bleeth crowd.

Mr. White: I’m sick of cartoon bags and yearn for a simpler, subtler bag, one who smells faintly of pee and weed. And that is DJ Smelly Bottom. And more importantly, the sexy, thunderous thighs of Shiyen. Shiyen and her parade of douche FTW.

ehcuodouche: DJ Smelly Bottom has the most punchworthy face, and he’s soiling my precious Shi-yen. Damn you douchebags! Damn you all to hell!

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: I am going to have to go with Shiyen. She is like the United Colors of Bennetton of Douche. She is the United Nations of Scrote. She culls the worst that all races have to offer and presents them for our viewing displeasure. She even brings in Toon Bag for a guest appearance. And I would happily gnaw on her thighs like a tiny badger with a napoleon complex.

gaijindouche: Gonna go with Shiyen and whoever. The other two bleeths make me want to give them a sandwich. If I want ribs I’ll go out for bbq. Shiyen makes me want to tie her up and beg for various things. Safety word is “banana”.

scrotum pole: At a solid 73, Smelly Bottom is just three IQ points above the developmental disibility exemption, but he gets the win nevertheless. My idea of the perfect afternoon would include Shiyen’s thighs, a bottle of merlot and an epilady.

Em: DJ Smelly could probably take the cap off and be a notta but he just simply will not. And Shiyen… Shiyen is perfection incarnate and I would pick up, polish, frame and hang on my wall her fake nail should one fall off.

I’m glad others appreciate the real world confusion of
Shiyen’s tasty attractiveness. But this was Rehab and Luane’s week to shine. And by shine, I mean crap on our virtual collective. Lets let just a douchalo take us home:

A faux-hawk doesn’t guarantee the win but when your presence, albeit only ankle deep, in an otherwise pristine body of fresh water makes it look like my Sunday morning (okay,early afternoon)vomit of Tanqueray and cocktail olives, you’re a douchebag…and winner. Captain Rehab and Ubiquitous Luane FTW. Now someone please fire up the Evinrude and chop this 165 pounds of ass lint into chum.

Exactly. The only thing potentially pulling this pic away from greatness is Luane’s Bleethitude. But librarian glasses count for a lot. And so our final slot before the HCwDB of the Month on Monday has been filled. Who will take the second slot, after Stackhouse, at the 2010 Douchie Awards?

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 15 + 5 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)