Thursday, March 18, 2010

Jesse’s Girl

Hey Rick, you might love the 80s. But word on the street is the 80s think you’re a ninnypud.

Euro Sandra deserves better. Like a tasty soda. And sound college advice. And awkward emails with headers that read “Hey, whatsup?” from me when she turns eighteen next year.

# posted by douchebag1
8:00 am March, 18 fatness said...

She’ll be using this photo for blackmail in 20 years. Too bad pudbucket there won’t have anything to take.

8:02 am March, 18 Chad Kroeger said...

Love Teenage Greco American Style.

8:02 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

His future’s so dim, he’s gotta wear Venetian blinds.

8:05 am March, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

This is the funniest pic to be ran in awhile.

Rick will be the baddest S.O.B. at the Spring Fling dance. What I can’t figure out is that this pic probably came during that awkward part of the night when all the parents are together taking photos and this kid’s dad didn’t slap the shit out of him for looking like this.

On a related note: http://www.stunnerofthemonth.com

8:06 am March, 18 jonezy said...

is he wearing hammer pants?

is there such a thing as reverse irono-scrote?

No. no there is not.

8:11 am March, 18 Crucial Head said...

I remember the Sadie Hawkin’s dance in middle school like it was yesterday. What a great time. The punch was delicious. The music was fused with Talking Heads and Oingo Boingo, which made for awkward groping and fondling on the dance floor. One kid got his lip stuck in another girl’s braces. Julio from homeroom caught a boner and had to use his fanny pack to cover it. What a good time was had by all…

…at least, that’s what they tell me.

You see, I sat alone in my mother’s basement drawing my favorite comic book characters.

Because I was cool like that.

8:14 am March, 18 jonezy said...

and since we like to share stories here….

went to the CVS last night to buy condoms. I figure, if the poor lady at the checkout has to deal with this, what’s the best item to supplement this purchase?

Booze is the correct answer.

Being of the festive type, I figured I would peruse the whiskey isle for a nice Irish brand. Much to my surprise, Bushmills was 60% off.

I bought two.

I could only manage to drink half of the first bottle before pocketing one of the condoms and heading out to the bars.

now I’m still drunk, firing up MMOD at work, and one condom fewer from the 24 pack.

and waiting to mock more scrote.

is it too early to ask for Ass Pear?

8:15 am March, 18 Publius Choadius Naso said...

His future’s so bright he’s gotta wear shades. And by bright I mean “Full of lost, empty, beer-fueled nights in the freshman dorm where he winds up punching walls in front of the horrified womenfolk in a vain attempt to look like a Serious Customer and, therefore, dateable.”

8:19 am March, 18 massengill said...

Hmmm…

That troll must have stayed up late last night and can’t comment right now. Or maybe he snorted to much pink glitter and died.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

I’d like to call this guy “Kanye Near-East” or Kanye Eastern Bloc.”

8:25 am March, 18 Wedgie said...

Mark Mothersbaugh wants his glasses back.

8:30 am March, 18 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Alright! DB1 printed my submission!

I’m happier than a Jersey yutz who just got his first tribal tat.

8:36 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

8 – 6 – 7 – 5 – 3 – 0 – douche

8:42 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

She’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it.

8:44 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

Hey Rick, my uncle’s ’82 Dodge Daytona called–it wants it’s rear window louvers back.

8:44 am March, 18 Chachtastic said...

Im pretty sure, yes, they are hammer pants. Somewhere at this moment, Kanye is crying, and burning his glasses…

8:52 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

“Euro” Sandra? Try maybe “Future Goth” Sandra. Check the pale complexion, eye makeup, and black hair.

Still… Sandra, baby… wash that shit off and call me after your 18th birthday. I’d like to meet up–but bring your ID just to be sure.

8:59 am March, 18 Vin Douchal said...

This has got to be Alaska or someplace else with no sun for 6 months.

Either that or this pasty face is one of the heralded von Goolos. Edgar and Johnny Winter had deeper skin tone than these two Dracules.

9:10 am March, 18 RAPETIME said...

Good lord, she is lovely. Shame that she’s young enough to be my daughter.

IT’S NOT LIKE THAT WOULD STOP ME FROM PLUNDERING HER GOODIES IN THE SAME FASHION THAT GENGHIS KHAN PLUNDERED A VILLAGE.

Ok. Maybe next year or the year after when she’s legal. She looks about sixteen.

9:13 am March, 18 Chad Kroeger said...

I just tried to subcribe to stunnersofthemonth but my head was too big. Also some troll just ordered the entire collection brcause he is the god of hell fire like that.

9:18 am March, 18 Deltus said...

Sweet baby Jesus, Rapetime, it’s fine to have thoughts like that in your head, but you don’t speak of or write them! At least, not like that. Too pedo.

Regardless, she’s way out of Douche Lad’s league. There’s a jock at their school who’s going to pound on him for being with her, just because it’s so wrong.

9:28 am March, 18 Mr. White said...

I heartily defend RAPETIME’s right to talk about plundering her goodies. I would sit and listen to hours of “Fall Out Boy”–because they’re “like, totally dark and deep”–just for the chance to lick the pen she used to sign her BFF’s yearbook.

9:32 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

Marv’s interest in 1989 Camaro IROC Z’s had just crossed into obsession.

9:34 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

Marv loitered around the hors d’œuvres table, desperately waiting for a girl to ask if she could get sliced boiled eggs on her Cobb salad.

9:35 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

As part of his sentencing for public tit ogling Mark’s eyes were placed in jail.

9:36 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

Mark’s “half-blind in both eyes” sympathy story was about to hit paydirt again…

9:37 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

As the young Cyclops wandered the teen X-Men summer dance many young lasses were left to ponder at the grill marks on their tits and asses.

9:38 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

Mark had learned to take precautions when dating an epileptic cutter.

9:38 am March, 18 massengill said...

That chick reminds me of the Northern spotted owl I had for dinner last night.

9:43 am March, 18 End the Haberdouchery said...

I bet Rick rolls (no pun) into school everyday with the latest Now That’s What I Call Music CD blaring out of his crappy Chevy Cavalier speakers.

9:49 am March, 18 Dicy said...

GAH! I hate those glasses!!! All the freaking fratties wear them downtown and I just wanna slap their stupid faces!

9:50 am March, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Deltus ^9:18(?)

Psssst. Psst. Your Bagnonymous is showing…

9:51 am March, 18 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Commenting in this thread has put us all on a government watch list somehwere. But little alabaster skinned, doe eyed hott is worth it. At least in two years she will be. Because I don’t want any problems with the authorities….anymore.

9:54 am March, 18 Admiral Hamilton ManTitty said...

Yeah Deltus if you’re not careful you’ll blow your cover on WordPress.

9:55 am March, 18 DarkSock said...

Once Carlton went “pro” playing quarters the poon started flowing in like crazy

10:06 am March, 18 Crucial Head said...

Riffing off of Vin Douchal:

Morticia and Herman Von Goolo pleased their father immensly, as they warmed up for their acting jobs in the Douchebag’s of the Living Dead exhibit this coming October.

10:14 am March, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

As the dance reaches its peak, Jesse summons all of his courage, clears a spot on the gym floor and commences break dancing. Everyone circles around. Everyone except Sandra who knew this would happen the moment she begrudgingly said yes when Jesse asked her to the prom (Damn you Mark Thurston! Why didn’t you ask her when you had the chance?!). As the giggles and snorts grow into peals of uncontrolled laughter Sandra slinks away to the girls restroom where she pops three of her younger brother’s Ritalin and commences running a razor across the inside of each thigh, tears sending black streaks down each cheek.

The crowd breaks up after Jesse attempts to spin on his head only to crash into the DJ’s speaker stack. Retrieving his glasses he races out into the parking lot in shame, seeking shelter in his dad’s ’02 Mitsubishi Galante. Sinking down in the backseat he pops three of his own Ritalin and commences masturbating furiously to Boys Love Girls on his ipod.

Before the night is out Sandra loses her virginity to Nate Crosby (Nate from her english class. Nate with the knit hat on sideways. Nate who never says much but has really deep, dark eyes) in the parking lot behind the Super Wal-mart while his date Lisa (Lisa with the not-to-big tits but with the really tight ass. Lisa whose acing Honor’s English and already has a scholarship lined up) watches and downs a pint of the Captain.

Several couples spot the glow of Rick’s ipod through the back window of his and, seeing the boy furiously stroking, surround the car and begin rocking it furously for several minutes shouting the lyrics to “Whip it!” at the top of their lungs. They grow tired fairly quickly, mostly because Rick just sinks down into the bottom of the backseat and refuses to protest, and head out for the evening. Jennie Marcos tells them she forgot her purse in the school and slips back to Rick’s car where, having seen the size of his cock, offers to give him a blowjob.

It is the best night of Rick and Sandra’s short lives.

Ahhh. Those ackward high school days.

10:15 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

@ Scrotato, 9:50 am

Okay, very weird. That wasn’t me. (Honestly, it’s not mine baby!) You’ll notice that I inverted the colors on my avatar anyway, which happened when we travelled through the worm-hole from Blogger space to WordPress space.

I say, crazy shit be goin’ on here in WordPress…

10:39 am March, 18 Bagnonymous said...

^ …maybe it’d have been best if I hadn’t snatched my avatar pic off the first results-page of a google image search in the first place.

10:56 am March, 18 Jacques Doucheteau said...

She’s just way to young looking for me, almost eighteen or not. Yeah, she’s hella cute, but even I’m not that depraved and perverted.

Sure I’d jack off to blurry iPhone pics of her A-cup titties, but I wouldn’t fuck her.

Okay, if she begged me to fondle her, yes I would feel obligated to grope her. But only because I’m all chivalrous like that.

Aw, who am I kidding. I’d tell her not to worry ’cause I’d only put the tip in for a few seconds before just burying it balls deep.

10:57 am March, 18 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Gawd I sicken myself.

1:07 pm March, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

Good lord, she’s going to be stunning at 40. I just know these things.

Good lord, he’s going to be pathetic at 40. I just know these things.

1:34 pm March, 18 Edvis said...

Is DEVO having a reunion?

2:46 pm March, 18 Euripidouche said...

dude looks like a proto version of that douche who dressed up like the white suburban version of what choads think a pimp would look like…never understood in all the talk about that, why the acorn people didn’t just say they were stiffling too much laughter, and they wanted to keep the jokes going in the back room, which is why they didn’t kick him and his ptp out….

as for her, someday he will be singing

my blood runs kooooooo
angel is a myspace ho
angel is a myspace ho

10:22 pm March, 18 Baleen said...

A Western styled, eighties themed, high school dance in Eastern Europe… Before the Iron Curtain fell.

Okay it’s late and I just took the trifecta of sane: Lexapro, Zyprexa, and Ambien on an empty stomach so thiz shit anit gunna make any sence.

10:43 pm March, 18 Anonne Huntress said...

Notta hott. But that sure is a douche!

11:32 pm March, 18 Steve L. said...

while i don’t want to be too brutal to junior douchebags, Mr. Scrotato Head’s post does remind me of a few people from high school who i’d like to beat the living shit out of. and for those people, nothing is too brutal. heh heh…

6:25 am March, 19 my friends call me @$$hole said...

gay called, wants the look back…

7:31 am March, 19 Dead End said...

Shes not hot, not by any standard. He’s just a low grade bagling who wore the glasses so that she would take the pic with him

10:55 am March, 19 Mr. Biggs said...

Devo should not have reproduced.

10:57 pm March, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Oh, Lord, I could compose twelve-tone music on those shades

8:07 pm March, 20 Wow said...

When I saw this pic, all I could think of was this:

OR this:

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