Friday, March 26, 2010

Mike Toolkowsky


Mike Toolkowsky may be starting work at his dad’s lumber yard next year after getting his GED. Where a forty year career of monotony and coffee breaks, a dumpy wife, and occasional tickets to see the Sooners play, awaits his eventual broken spirit.

But for now, Mike Toolkowsky will party. And he will party hard.

Meanwhile, one of the Jenkins sisters is hotter than the others. This has created great friction in the lives of Kelly, Kendra and Kaylie. But who are we kidding. Kaylie wins.

# posted by admin
3:43 pm March, 26 Vin Douchal said...

As usual, choad blocks the full view of the cutest one.

I'll just make believe she is Kelly Thiebaud since she looks like her a little.

3:48 pm March, 26 doucheywallnuts said...

Is Mike Toolkowsky a full-fledged douche, or a douche-in-training? Or an apprentice douche?

3:53 pm March, 26 Vin Douchal said...

And on a related note, baseball season starts a week from Sunday with my Spunky Bosox taking on the Evil Empire…

Hooters ball girl

4:02 pm March, 26 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

DB1 woke up angry this morning with that rant. It's true, but angry. I love it.

4:13 pm March, 26 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

This is the best their lives will ever be: a weekend at the Homewood Suites in Daytona Beach where the girls share a two-double-bed poolside and the two nutsacks go in on a king with a rollaway and balcony overlooking the parking lot. The hotel is "within walking distance of the beach", which means they'll burn through their flip flops day one walking the three quarters of a mile to the ocean past strip mall after strip mall of shitty tee shirt shops and payday loan centers. Everything will be more expensive then the planned, which means they'll be draining bank accounts and fighting over how do divide up the restaurant checks before the trip is even half over.

They'll drink too much and do a few moderately stupid things like taking their suits off in the hot tub and taking power hits of pot off a stash that they bought from some Cuban guy at the club. To shut the scrotes up, the girls will kiss each other and touch boobs, but that's as far as they'll go. The drunken sex they'll have with each other will be ackward, rushed, and forgettable. Only Kendra will score with somebody outside the group, but she'll be too humiliated by the things he made her do, plus the fact that she's pretty sure he taped the whole thing, to tell anyone about it. They'll ask her why her eyes are all puffy and red and she'll simply tell them it's from the chlorine in the pool and not enough sleep.

The second to last night of the trip someone will slip roofies into Kelly's drink. They'll find her naked behind a dumpster in an alley two streets over from the hotel, her body covered with sharpie drawings, and something purple and sticky dripping from her battered c*nt. She won't remember what happened, and spends the rest of the day in stunned silence. Nobody notices that Mike doesn't say much that day either but drinks himself into a near coma that night.

The ride home to Mobile, AL will be long and quiet. To break the tension they'll each say something like "Wow, that was a great trip, wasn't it?" to which everyone will mumble, "Yeah, it was great, really good. It was…it was good."

In 20 years, when they're all divorced, their bodies have gone to seed, and their children have disappointed them, they'll look back on this day for what it was, and collectively drop the toaster in the bathtub.

Yeah, I'm having a shitty day myself.

4:16 pm March, 26 I R A Darth Aggie said...

dumpy wife = chick in the plaid bikini. She's already preggers with his kid (didn't you get the message to wrap that little rascal up?), and they'll married within 6 months.

4:18 pm March, 26 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Hooters ball girl

She can carry my balls any time she wants. Just don't give them away, please, as I'm sort of attached to them…

4:39 pm March, 26 Billy Batts said...

When the girls father sees this picture and stops weeping, he's gonna go all Pesci on Billy Bats head.

Mom I need a big knife and a shovel.

4:47 pm March, 26 Anonymous said...

Blogger.com sucks

WP FTW

4:49 pm March, 26 DarkSock said...

So, Mr. Jenkins named his girls Kelly, Kendra and Kaylie, eh?

K.K.K.

Good job, Mr. Jenkins….or should I say, HITLER!

I'd torch the hott Jenkin's Reichstag any day though. I'd annex her Sudetenland. I'd bomb her bunker.

4:50 pm March, 26 DarkSock said...

I'd shoot the pearl in her Berlin

4:51 pm March, 26 DarkSock said...

I'd poke her brownshirt

4:51 pm March, 26 DarkSock said...

wait…

4:51 pm March, 26 scrotum pole said...

@ Scrotato

"…burning through their flip flops…"

"…something….dripping from her battered c*nt…"

Freakin' nice.

4:52 pm March, 26 The Chad said...

Todays nine victims have all shaved their units and got Vagazzled right after tan was accomplished.

5:06 pm March, 26 Anonymous said...

Ah, mediocrity thy name is FosterGrant.

5:06 pm March, 26 Anonymous said...

All four of you, expect a workday visit from Mike Rowe in about 5 years.

6:00 pm March, 26 euripidouche said...

i'd say scrotato about covered it, thanks.

6:30 pm March, 26 DarkSock said...

I'll take "Shorts That'll Earn You A Beating" for $100, Alex.

6:55 pm March, 26 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Not hotts. Trying to decide which one is hotter is like trying to decide which tastes better, rasish, kale, or brussel sprouts.

Okay, it's brussel sprouts. But only if you do cook them up right; with plenty of olive oil and high heat. Just like Kaylie.

7:12 pm March, 26 Jacques Doucheteau said...

*radish

7:13 pm March, 26 Fatness said...

Stick a little garlic in there while you saute and they'll be nice and flavorful with no bitterness. Just like Kaylie.

7:33 pm March, 26 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Indeed. Though you don't want to toss them around too much, otherwise they'll start to get bitter.
Just like the brussels sprouts.

7:38 pm March, 26 mrbagoo said...

Why do the K.K.K. sisters remind me of bugs?

9:38 pm March, 26 clam fist said...

@Scrotato

Sounds like a perfect vacation.

10:38 pm March, 26 Anonymous said...

BOOMER!

10:40 pm March, 26 DarkSock said...

@ mr bagoo:

"Why do the K.K.K. sisters remind me of bugs?"

Because they're hovering around a pile of shit.

1:04 am March, 27 Just Sayin' said...

I see kids with too much money. I can just see them riding around in gold-plated Beemers and going to tiny liberal arts schools with 8:1 teacher-student ratios.

And the mother of the two on the outside is getting plugged by her "personal trainer."

3:16 am March, 27 Mom's Personal Train-er said...

^^Fuccen-a right buddy.

3:17 am March, 27 Mom's Personal Trainer said...

^^Fuccen-a right, buddy.

3:18 am March, 27 Mom's Personal Trainer said...

Sorry, I stutter at the keyboard sometimes.

3:19 am March, 27 Wedgie said...

I think Kendra wins. If she's in the middle.

Just sayin'.

3:34 am March, 27 Denny DelVecchio said...

The Mizzelli Sisters' 16 year old brother Vinnie got his braces off, blew a quick $50 at Abercrombie then $7.50 more at the 7 Eleven "Bill Blass" shades rack.

It was then time to hit Dr. Stevenson's pool since Vinnie could personally assure the girls that it had recently been cleaned only that morning.

Livin' the dream.

Denny DelVecchio

yournewbadhabit.blogspot.com

6:03 am March, 29 Steve L. said...

if Kaylie is the one that goes home with Mike Toolkowsky, how does that constitute a "win"?

she does not "win" until i ram my – okay you get the idea.

and by idea i mean sleaze. i can be imperfect if i want to be.

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