Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Natalie Tags a Jersey Shore Douche

—–

So, my best ladies and I were at an ed hardy store opening party in cancun during spring break aka douchebag mecca when some overly spray tanned guy with a tribal band tattoo accidentally ripped out one of liz’s (the hot chick pictured with Jersey Shore’s dj pauly d) extensions with his nipple ring (obviously, people are walking around shirtless, it’s mexico). she threw her cup of hypnotiq in his face and screamed “f*ck you, you f*cking dragonslaying ez-tagger!”

he was so roided out, that he pushed her back, causing her to break all of her acrylic nails, and get dirt all over her coach bag! (luckily, she was barefoot, so nothing happened to her shoes)

then, pauly d ran over in a super fly ed hardy shirt and punched him in the face! a fight, obviously ensued, but pauly d was the victor (nothing happened to his hair, he had “fight level” of gel in it that day, thankfully), and liz’s hero for the night… i think they talked about the sub-prime mortgage crisis between him and GTL or his hair maintenance.

– Natalie

—-

Early candidate for Hieroglyphic Email of the Year.

# posted by douchebag1
4:05 pm March, 16 Anon said...

I’m speechless.

4:09 pm March, 16 El Caganer said...

The drunken incoherent ramblings give me a stiffy.

4:11 pm March, 16 Crucial Head said...

I am dizzy.

Somebody pour me a drink, stat!

4:16 pm March, 16 nona said...

Cue anti-email-submitter backlash tsunami of certified-pre-owned jelly dongs and baroque literary stylings of Keatsian majesty in 3, 2, …

RELEASE THE OLD GODS!!!

.

(now where the hell did @Medusa put that key for the ‘releasing-the-old-gods-door’ ?)

4:18 pm March, 16 scrotum pole said...

I read that four times, and all I got out of it was a headache.

4:21 pm March, 16 Fatness said...

I have no idea what that said, but I am very happy that I know who none of the people mentioned are.

4:21 pm March, 16 Wheezer said...

Maybe she concatenated all her Twitter postings from the “event” and made it an email message.

4:22 pm March, 16 scrotum pole said...

All I know is, that when you google search hair extensions, acrylic nails, coach bag, super fly ed hardy and sub-prime mortgage crisis. The only thing on the whole net that comes up, is this letter.

4:28 pm March, 16 Wheezer said...

“…..nothing happened to his hair, he had “fight level” of gel in it that day…..”

OK, tell me that none of you at least chuckled at that part…..

4:33 pm March, 16 scrotum pole said...

@ Wheezer

Actually I liked “…luckily ,she was barefoot, so nothing happened to her shoes.” better.

4:36 pm March, 16 scrotum pole said...

So, one time I was in Sheboygen (that’s Wisconsin, so of course I was shirtless) and some chick’s hair extension ripped out my nipple ring.

4:46 pm March, 16 Soy Bomb said...

Love it Natalie, love it. You’ve got spunk, kid; you’re going places. Waiting with bated breath for the next chapter! What happens to the douches next??????

4:49 pm March, 16 Mr. White said...

I’m going to start calling people f*cking dragonslaying ez-tagger. At least until one of them explains to me what it means. I’m guessing it doesn’t have anything to do with a dungeon and a +3 broadsword?

And by “dungeon” I mean “playpen” and by “+3” I mean…

5:05 pm March, 16 NotThatAnon said...

ez-tagger == teabagger?

5:08 pm March, 16 Ariscrotle said...

Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, poo by spraying axe.

5:14 pm March, 16 Chad Kroeger said...

That’s all I can take for one day. My giant head hurts more now than when Theory of a Deadman are rehearsing in it. She started drinking at birth and met a superhero Douche with Kyptonite hair. Yay dragonslaying whorebag.

Does anyone else hate Sheryl Crow that screeching hag?

5:25 pm March, 16 melvil duchi said...

it pains me to know ed hardy stores are still opening…

but “he had “fight level” of gel in it that day” just brings the image to me that much better

yes natalie. we must have more adventures

5:36 pm March, 16 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

That was like reading the early works of Bukowski. Well played, Natalie, well played.

5:57 pm March, 16 Troy Tempest said...

Herr Weiss:

I’m going to start calling people f*cking dragonslaying ez-tagger.

I agree. I have no idea what that means.

I’m going to start calling people f*cking burger flippin nut crudders.

I’m going to start calling people f*cking scum sucking staple removers.

I’m going to start calling people f*cking wormeating lazy writers.

I’m going to start calling people f*cking choad kissing cow boxers..

6:08 pm March, 16 Scooby-Dooby-Douche said...

Is that our old buddy Ricky in the background?

6:09 pm March, 16 scrotum pole said...

I find the f*cking blurry-handed laser-beaming eye tagger, in the background somewhat frightening.

6:51 pm March, 16 Deltus said...

Something that you can take away from this, something I’ve learned over years of studying Tae Kwon Do, is that even an enormous roided out gym ‘bag will go down like a cheap whore if you hit them in the right place(s). Seriously, aim right for the eye. Do a hammer fist down on their collar bone. Knee them right in the balls. Step on the foot. Do any or all of these as hard as you can. There’s nothing more satisfying than putting a gorilla on the ground.

6:56 pm March, 16 Captain Bringdown said...

Jesus.

That read like one of those episode of Cops where, after the officer interviews both sides of the drunk, unwashed, and ugly as horse balls domestic disturbance, you not only have zero sympathy for any of the participants, but you actually wish they’d mouth off some more so you watch them both get tased.

7:44 pm March, 16 DarkSock said...

She needs to write a book of this stuff. Before it’s too late…

It could be her Book of Mormon to DB1’s King James.

7:50 pm March, 16 Wedgie said...

It makes perfect sense, if you read it backwards.

And it doesn’t hurt if you have several shots of good tequila first.

8:20 pm March, 16 Steve L. said...

oh crap. now DB1 is gonna get 10 carefully rendered emails a day from people who are calculatingly angling for the Hieroglyphic Email of the Day award.

i swear very few of those emails will come from me.

8:21 pm March, 16 Steve L. said...

Hieroglyphic Email of the YEAR.

fuck. my posts are getting hierogly… er never mind.

8:23 pm March, 16 Troll of the Reaper (T.O.R) said...

haha guidos got to love their controversial way of life, its so funny, i agree with the philosophy that involves being selfish and not giving a fuck LOL. *dont do what society wants, do what you want!* anarchy all day, on the net & cyber space and in real life (A)

8:27 pm March, 16 Vin Douchal said...

As I read that, I heard Fran Drescher in mind. Then I heard Dominic Barbara fart out a night’s worth of barbeque ribs, Heineken draft, brussel sprouts and espresso in one giant >> blaaaappp << as he yelled , "I'm on FIE-yah.

Then I read it again, only this time I heard Keanu Reeves , saying it really slow. Especially this part “f*ck you, you f*cking dragonslaying ez-tagger!”

Try it .. : f******ck you, you f*cking dragonslaaaaaaaaying ez-taaaaaaaagger!”

How about, I give you the finger

8:29 pm March, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Damn ^ that post was fucked up. Just like me<<>>. Crown Royal on a Tuesday? Thank you very much

9:09 pm March, 16 Captain Bringdown said...

Natalie, Tell Liz that, despite the Vaseline-smeared Etch-a-Sketch quality of the photo and completely insensitive on her part lack of cleavage, I was still able to pound one out on her behalf. ‘Cause I had “fight level” hand lotion on hand. So to speak.

9:31 pm March, 16 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Is there a psychotic zombie-like creature in the background about to go Norman Bates on these two?

9:50 pm March, 16 Troll of the Reaper (T.O.R) said...

a song dedicated to cool people like me and pauly d, i changed the lyrics, and it goes like so, ahem…”heaven is my face on earth. when i walk into the room. everyone likes my moves. oo baby do you know what im worth? oo baby heaven is my face on earth” LooL

9:57 pm March, 16 Troll of the Reaper (T.O.R) said...

oh yeah i forgot phillipe mexes and lee hotti, our faces on this earth, im not even gonna tell you how much were worth, you clowns wouldnt know, lets just say the entire financial wealth of france is how much were worth (or ppp -purchasing power parity which is currently $2.112 trillion) haha lol

10:03 pm March, 16 Medusa Oblongata said...

I call absolute bullshit on the letter.

First off, there is the list of way too many Bleeth signifiers to be mere coincidence. Next, anyone who goes to Ed Hardy store openings, in Cancun of all places, is not going to like or support this site. Third, if she hates douchebags, why is she in “douchebag mecca”, and at an Ed Hardy store? Fourth–I have, I am ashamed to admit, worn acrylic nails. It takes a lot more than getting shoved to break those fuckers off. Fifth, no woman would call them “acrylic nails” if it’s her friend wearing them, they’re just “nails”. It’s like calling out your friend for wearing a girdle. Same goes for hair extensions. Ever see how irate the celebs get in the tabloids when it’s pointed out that they’re wearing extensions? They get all huffy like, “No, I’m taking vitamins and my hair just grew seven inches overnight!”

Sixth-Pauly D is not wearing a super fly Ed Hardy shirt in the picture, as you described. Seventh–a woman who attends events like this and hangs with people like this would not know how to spell things like “subprime mortgages”, type in non-text speak, and surely would not have friends who use awesome insults like “dragonslaying e-z tagger”, whatever that means.

Just as you don’t have to lie about lawyers to get the pictures taken down, you don’t have to lie to get them put up. Just admit, you saw Pauly D at a party, got your pic taken with him, wanted to show off but didn’t want to get made fun of.

@ Nona 4:16

It’s in the horse’s butt. Ask DarkSock to get it next time he’s in there.

11:13 pm March, 16 Crucial Head said...

Samurai Scrote’s bowel movements consistently register on the Richter scale at “Fight Level.” Which is mostly due to the fact that his feces are sentient armies of corn-ninjas bent on the systemic destruction of the world’s industrial waste programs.

I would elaborate further, but I fear for the life of my remaining testicle the next time I rest my weary haunches uponst the porcelain throne.

12:35 am March, 17 Euripidouche said...

dragonslaying ex-tagger?

well, dragonslaying could refer, and in context i would think its safe to assume it does, because its the only thing i can think of that even makes close to as much sense, is dragonslaying means fucking fat chicks….

so we have a fatty fucker…..which i suppose to some, is like motherfucker, where the perceived heinousness of the act transcends the literal, meaning most people you call a motherfucker, probably never fucked their mother’s but you seek to convey upon them the same disdain as you would have, if you were presented with an actual mother fucker….

now ez-tagger could refer to someone in houston who pays tolls automatically like ez-pass on the east coast. so she could have been saying the person is a fatty-fucker who bypasses toll booths

i don’t think that is it however, ez-tagger could refer to graffit, someone who is less than artistic at their painting, perhaps even one who takes shortcuts.

tagging could also be a somewhat redundant reference to sexual proclivities, so the person fucks fat sluts who require little effort…its the best i can figure,

4:23 am March, 17 boatbutter said...

Spectacular.

4:44 am March, 17 boone doggle said...

dragon hunter2 staring bobby lee

4:59 am March, 17 End the Haberdouchery said...

Troy,

Don’t you besmirch cow boxers. My grandfather made a living traveling town to town showing feats of bovine fisticuffsmanship with Gertie, his prize Holstein.

5:19 am March, 17 Big said...

Hafta agree with Medusa. This letter is highly suspicious. While holding the entertainment value of watching apes in the wild fight for pack dominance, something ain’t right.

My first thought, indeed was, “Wait, you’re at an Ed Hardy opening? Do you know what this site is about, girly? Are you confused? Should someone call your parents? You’re clearly lost.”

5:25 am March, 17 my friends call me @$$hole said...

@Pauley D: you’re a hero, a gentleman and a scholar, a real man among men… but, you’re still a douchbag… nothing you didn’t already know, but some of us didn’t know that just cause a guy is a douchebag doesn’t neccessarily make him a bad guy all-around…

@Natalie, just cause you’re out taggin’ doesn’t mean you’re not a bleethed out baguette… how do i know you’re a baguette? THERE’S NO SUCH THING as a SUPER FLY ED HARDY tshirt!!!!! and a nice girl wouldn’t be at that party anyway…

6:05 am March, 17 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I agree with Medusa. This has to be bullshit. I just finished running it through the Stackinator 4000 and the only thing that appeared on the screen was DUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH: does not compute. FATAL ERROR -1409

6:23 am March, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

On the plus side, on the strength of Natalie’s letter alone my 401(k) investments in the comma market have gone through the roof.

6:25 am March, 17 jonezy said...

i just want to give props to to Scooby Douche 6.08 for reminding me of Ricky.

Go on with your bad self brotha

6:30 am March, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Just noticed the time stamp. Apparently management has moved HCwDB servers to an old Japanese sub one time zone off the California coast. Say hello to Gilligan for us.

7:10 am March, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

Let me also add, which I would have last night, but my Wi-fi is total ass and I’m lucky if I can stay online for 30 seconds: Through some very piss-minimal research, I found that the only Ed Hardy store in Mexico is in Mexico City. There is no Ed Hardy store in Cancun.

Therefore, I politely request that you go and fucketh thine self. Dickweed.

7:33 am March, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Medusa ^7:10a

What the hell are you talking about? Ed Hardy franchises are popping up at all the popular Mexican beaches.

7:50 am March, 17 Anon said...

I was able to decipher parts of the letter and I couldn’t tell it was bullshit until right around the point that this scrawny jerz guid actually managed to beat someone up.

I’ve crapped out tougher looking stool than this douche.

9:50 am March, 17 Condouchious say... said...

in spite of a mjority of it being illogical and incoherent, it was nonetheless entertaining…which must mean it’s a fake.

@ medusa – thumbs up on the observations as i doubt any of us would have noticed the details such as the whole nails thing…except maybe asians such as myself who post, you know b/c because we all work in nail salons!

embracism…get some!

10:32 am March, 17 htown_playa said...

as a houston resident, i’m privy to the conundrum that has become “go fuck yourself, you fucking dragonslaying ez-tagger”.

people who wear dbaggy dragon/cross/skull/anything that has rhinestones and involves mythical creatures shirts are referred to as “dragon slayers”. it’s really just synonymous with huge fucking dbag.

ex-taggers are the houston equivalent to the “bridge and tunnel” crew of nyc. they have to use the toll roads to get anywhere besides a walmart or dairy queen. ez-tag is the car sticker that allows for non-stop passage through said toll roads.

1:16 pm March, 21 JJ said...

That guy was in the sunday times style magazine!

… looked like less of a douche than that R-patz anyway

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