Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Reader Mail: Ellen in Portland

—-
Dearest DB1,

I have been an avid fan of your website for the last year and a half, and being from Portland, it is truly rare to see a real live douchebag before your eyes.Yes, we have douchebags, but they tend to cover their douchey characteristics by wearing vans or converse, or even sporting an emo, disheveled hair style.

But today, at the gym, I finally saw him: he was so unbelievably tan, it looked like his skin would peel off. His skin was chizzled and wrinkly. He had frosted choad tips, and a skin-tight Ed Hardy tank top on (I didn’t even know they sold Ed Hardy in Oregon). I felt like I was in the presence of a celebrity and wanted to get a picture of him!

Do you think the site glorifies the douche to the point of where guys may actually think it’s okay to dress like one and embody this lifestyle? Seeing one face-to-face is a profound moment for us Oregonians. He looked like he arrived to Portland that morning from Boca Raton – and it’s rainy and cold here. I just don’t get it. My question. is this: is it normal to get all giddy and starstruck when you see a doucehbag of this magnitude?! Probably not, but I blame you for it!

-Ellen
—–

You describe the recent impact that we’re now calling “The Jersey Shore Effect.” The moment at which mocking the douche for cultural sins crosses over into the creation and celebration of a legitimate celebrity.

This is an unavoidable part of the process, Ellen, as exposing uber-turd to the light of cultural disinfectant will also lead to some form of glorification from a culture that has already divorced any notion of celebrity from actual accomplishment.

# posted by douchebag1
1:46 pm March, 10 Wheezer said...

Yes, we have douchebags, but they tend to cover their douchey characteristics by…..or even sporting an emo, disheveled hair style.

Isn’t that douchey anyway?

1:48 pm March, 10 Vin Douchal said...

Hey Ellen, it is also truly rare to see a real live douchebag before your eyes over here in the Inland Empire……

A-hahahahahahahahahahaha ————— >> sniff <<

1:52 pm March, 10 jonezy said...

URC playing with Hot Chicks

very nice.

One of these cannon gunners is actually from my home town, which a comforting thought.

1:55 pm March, 10 Vin Douchal said...

If you had Jamie Jungers in the Tiger Woods Mistress Pagent on the Howard Stern show at SportsBook.com you got a +500 return per HuffingtonPost. I always bet longhsots…. I had Theresa Rogers for + 2000

2:10 pm March, 10 Army of DOuche-ness said...

No, I don’t believe this. This was not about any Jersey Shore Effect or excitement in getting to Mock. This excitement was a masked, from the lizard brain, libido pulse of her seeing a preening alpha male. This is what Ed Hardy attempts to do for men through purchasing their clothes, and this is why men become douchebags, because women can’t help but like it. it touches on a sexual attraction deeper and more sub-conscious from our caveman days than even modern educated women can understand or fight.

Ellen, you may THINK this was excitement in getting to participate or getting to mock, but you actually just positively reinforced his behavior, for his douchebag raison d’etre was just confirmed big time- you may think it started as mock, but this excitement just started a rapid psycho-sexual assembly-line process that ends with you falling for a douchebag and becoming bleeth for now you’ve contextualized him as different, special or in your own words, a celebrity. Eventually in time you’ll wonder why you wanted to mock when they really ARE like celebrities in your local scene and the other, normal men are just kinda bla.

I feel a grave outcome for you Ellen, you may think you’re above the fire, but you made the wrong move; you should have ignored instead of paying any attention to him. It starts slow, but it will hit you soon enough.

I quote Trainspotting per your coming Grieco/Bleeth virus when I say

“I don’t feel the sickness yet, but it’s in the post. That’s for sure. I’m in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I’ve ever known will soon take hold of me. It’s on its way.”

Army of Douche-ness

2:18 pm March, 10 Captain Bringdown said...

That hat’s twice as big as it needs to be. And I don’t think it’s because his melon is atrophied. Is the ten gallon ball cap to become the new douche annoying accoutrement, along with the ginormous watch? I though Bucky was an aberration, but this could be yest another punch worthy trend.

Let’s roll the dice and see where this post ends up. Posted at 2:00PM Pacific Time for reference.

2:21 pm March, 10 Captain Bringdown said...

If this was Left for Dead, rightmost Zombie would have been double tapped milliseconds after the screen opened. Just way too easy.

rolling’ the post bones…it’s not 2:04 PM Pacific.

2:22 pm March, 10 Army of DOuche-ness said...

p.s. do you see in her e-mail how her brain says she doesn’t get it, but her feelings and emotions can’t help but love it?

“Ellen begins to understand. The quest will claim her hottie innocence. You know this. You have foreseen it. It is the risk we all took. In the gathering dark, the sub-consious will of women’s desire to have healthy off-spring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of women. Women, who are so easily seduced by its power. The young Ellen has but to extend her hand, take a picture with a doucebag and the world will fall. It is close now, so close to achieving its goal. For Women’s will for healthy offspring and douchebags desire for hotts will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even unto the ending of the world.”

2:24 pm March, 10 Captain Bringdown said...

‘Kay, post times seem to be 18 minutes into the future.

Note to Captain Bringdown 18 minutes in the past: Close your browser window and hold that fart: A coworker who previously held you in high regard and has huge tits is headed to your cube in five minutes. don’t ruin it like I did.

2:41 pm March, 10 Tadow said...

No douches in Portland?! Hahaha. Portland is the de facto capital of Hipsters and therefore of pretentious Hipster ‘Bags. It ain’t Orange County, but there are plenty of DBs. Where have you been hiding? Clearly not on Hawthorne!

2:45 pm March, 10 Anonymous 3:16 said...

Ellen –

The site does not induce celebratory tones to douchedom, unless it is simply presented as a series of pics on a website. If so, this creates the false impression that the publicity is for positive reasons, especially to douchebags inclined to think everything they do is, by default, an incredible accomplishment. What this site does though is provide mocking commentary to (hopefully) dissuade such behavior. If there was a general shortcoming of the site, it is that the very people who most need its help are the least likely (to be able) to read it. That is where you and I come in – spreading the good word. However, some of your statements concern me.

First, as has been addressed, your excitement should not be as such – it should have been shock, terror, horror. You may have exacerbated the problem. It also indicates you may have early stage Greico-virus. Second, your comments about the oregonians covering or hiding their adouchrements is a fallacy. You admit they have them, yet pretend they don’t because they are hiding them. Consider the root of the statement – they are there. They just fit into less typical (or atypical) categories, such as sasquatchbag, emobag, coffeefreakbag, etc. And this is the danger of the Greicovirus – its ability to morph and change faster than we can identify and cure it…

Please report to examination room 1 for a thorough inspection and detoxification program. I have just the thing for you…

2:47 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

Ha ha. that’s my e-mail. This sighting occurred at L.A. Fitness. I wanted to take a picture of the guy. Dayummmm.

2:47 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

Yes we have a shitload of hipsters. Ugh. Seriously, they don’t bathe, and I think they create their own unique breed of douchery that is unprecedented

2:47 pm March, 10 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This is truly a rare pic on this site. Not only is there a sista-bleeth but also the chica-bleeth. Now excuse me as I blast this image off of my monitor.

Hey DB1, you owe a new monitor. Thanks.

2:48 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

By the way, i couldn’t help staring. They’re skin looks like paint. It’s quite intriguing.

2:49 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

*their skin. fecking typos.

3:20 pm March, 10 massengill said...

massengill said…

Though I find the white girl most attractive, it’s nice to see some ladies of color on the site. Equal opportunity boobies, that’s what I always say.

3:37 pm March, 10 Army of DOuche-ness said...

and granted I can’t hear Ellen say this, but her use of “dayummm” instead of simply damnit doesn’t help, either*

Maybe i’m just in a mood today but my OHC with whom I’ve maintained a sometimes great sometimes not great friendship with seems to have recently ended up in a similar situation as Ellen here, with a guy I actually know and dis-like greatly and always have. I knew it was beginning with a simple text “this guy doesnt seem to approve of me and my friend Kelly” on saturday night- i was out in my city dfoing my thing and she in hers. to respond, i pulled np punches and said it was a move of tact, completely fake and not genuine at all, meant to confuse you and meant to make you more humble and more likely to pursue him out of feeling rejected or give him an easier in and she denied THAT could possibly be it- that it was genuine disapproval and she didn’t like it at all…and like clockwork, 2 days later and after most likely the feeling of how she couldnt good enough for him running through her mind, I receive a “what do you think of…?” text and i saw the whole deck of cards fall. as far as i’m concerned, it’s already set in stone, like the “No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian… in my head.” from High FIdelity. a final and third message that i did not instigate confirmed she has agreed mentally and in principle to “hang out” with him at least once and see what happens, because her interest has been piqued enough for it.

I’ve decided after our tumultuous relationship of many years not to attempt to save her barring a verbal notification, but will not try to dissuade her by prusuing her either. I’m ok with her down-fall, because i already knew she should know better…i dunno if this gets me kicked out of the bag-hunting team or not.

* as dauymmm is gen/web 2.0 buzz-word that is supposed to infer coolness.

3:43 pm March, 10 GregG said...

I believe DB1 did say 2010 was going to be the year of the hipsterbag. And while we may not have the same number of Jerzchoadscroat. Here in Portland, we’re crawling with hipsterbags in skinny jeans and old man hats. Every year is the year of the hipsterbag in P-town!

3:51 pm March, 10 Crucial Head said...

Dayummmm! Look at that pokey lil’ nipple.

4:14 pm March, 10 don quixscrote said...

Uhh, Ellen? Try anywhere from Kells to Dirty/Dixie, Candy, or Blitz. And my God, did you ever happen to walk by The Agency when it was still open? The douche are here, trust.

4:23 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

Don- What about McFaddens? Oh, and Aura. Jesus Christ, I would never step foot in those establishments … dirty is called dirty for a reason. baracuda is pretty bad too – i don’t think a name like that could house a cool crowd.

Army of Doucheness – I meant “dayummm” in the sarcastic sense, say it aloud 😉 But look, it’s catching on! Shiiiiiiiiiiiite! (scottish accent)

hipsters are just as bad http://www.latfh.co (look at this fucking hipster.com )

4:24 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

http://www.latfh.com/

Check that out . ha.

4:56 pm March, 10 don quixscrote said...

The PDX hipsters don’t concern me much, as they aren’t a real threat to the hott. They’re mostly awkward and antisocial. Sure, there’s the rare suckle-thigh drawn to this type, but mostly they’re outliers. My bigger concern are the Affliction-wearing choads from Gresham and the like that descend on our city for “da clubz”.

4:57 pm March, 10 Ellen said...

gettin’ crunk in da club – got to love that. gresham is a white trash mecca.

5:43 pm March, 10 Army of Douche-ness said...

@ Ellen.

noted. now if you woulda said “sheeeeeeet” like Isiah Whitlock Jr. I would have proposed right then.

I’m feeling emotionally available.

Army of Douche-ness

7:29 pm March, 10 pv1 said...

Wait a minute! They have computers in Oregon? Also, bewbs.

7:55 pm March, 10 DeDoucheifier! said...

Actually, Portland Oregon is crawling with a plethora of douchebaggery. The main difference is that most of them fall into the hipsterbag or whiteboy gangsta wannabe categories, rather than the classic douchebag shown so often here on the HCDb site.

6:15 am March, 11 Douchelips said...

What I love about about the DB1 is his spot-on commentary. While we may be mocking uber-ridiculousness he hits the nail on the head with: “…from a culture that has already divorced any notion of celebrity from actual accomplishment.” So true my man….so true.

8:05 am March, 11 Deltus said...

I concur with Army of Douche-ness, comment #5 above. Ellen allowed herself, even temporarily, to be affected by the Virus. Reinforcing the behavior only strengthens the infection.

9:58 am March, 11 VictorK-yeah the one! said...

Ellen, its like they say, you see one and you know there are thousands hidden somewhere nearby. I think that you might just have uncovered a secred douche nest nearby your gym. Set up a trap, something like a basket full of pomade hair products, with sterling silver products mixed in. In the pomade container put in some Nair, this they will take back to their nest, and overuse. Hopefully this will be a temporary solution to your douche problem 🙂

ps. Portland has way more Douches than led to beleive, just go to a gym in beaverton, you’ll see what I’m talking about!

11:16 am March, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ AOD

You can’t save ’em all, man…..Find you a nice tier-2 who likes Star Wars and you’ll be just fine.

10:02 pm March, 11 QuakerOats said...

No witticisms for the accompanying photo, DB1? That’s one of the most simultaneously terrifying/depressing things I’ve ever seen on here, in its own way.

1:20 am March, 12 MR said...

I Know the girl on the far right in the red pants and the black top, I can assure you she is nowhere close to being a hot chick, more like horse face, you must trust me.

1:20 am March, 12 MR said...

GAH! I mean left.

7:05 am March, 12 my friends call me @$$hole said...

i’d like to pull an all-nighter with Girl on the Left and Girl on the Right and if Girl in the Middle showed up, i probably wouldn’t throw her out

3:53 pm March, 13 Billy Tuchus said...

Dumb cunt, Oregon is full of DB’s…I know, I’ve been there.

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