Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Reader Mail: The ‘Bagmitzvah

—–
DB1,

I am not sure if there is a junior classification on your site. It is with a heavy heart I submit this picture of the seed of my loins displaying douche-like characteristics at his little girlfriends Batmitzvah no less…

I can only determine the tainted genes of my Bronx spawned mother-in-law have corrupted my offspring…wish me luck with his exorcism as I am hopeful I can expell the douche-demon from the soul of my only child…

– Hasteez
—–

The first step is acknowledging your child has been possessed by the nascent emergence of the Grieco Virus, Hasteez. Now normally this is the part of my post where I pimp my book as your solution, but since I shamelessly plug that thing worse than a French Quarter hooker two weeks after Spring Break, I will instead pimp the works of Baruch Spinoza, whose experience of alienation as an outsider and pariah after his Bar Mitzvah led him to some of the most important philosophical breakthoughs introducing rationality and science into the realm of the spirtual/transcendent. With your encouragement, your son will begin to throw off the shackles of mass-culture douchal mimicry and become an independent thinker of intellectual challenge. Just like Spinoza. Who mocked the Eurobags of Amsterdam with pensive aplomb.

# posted by admin
10:59 am March, 17 JAP lovin said...

oh little raven haired future hottie, please be 18, or in a state where your age at least equals the age of consent. then i will consent to show you how best to remove your lipstick.
and dorks, keep up the posing when i drop your skinny butts off in South Central LA for a reunion with your hommies.

11:02 am March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I somehow think that they don’t have a “Day of Ascrotement” in Judaism.

11:08 am March, 17 mooj said...

You know, this shit is funny right up until it starts affecting the children.

Poor bastards. Never had a chance.

At least back in the day, Fonzie was pretty genuinely cool.

11:09 am March, 17 Fatness said...

Black shirt girl in the middle will grow up to make her doctor-husband’s life miserable for 20 years, and then spilt with the summer house.

The two scrotes-in-training will be cleaning toilets at the hospital and witness the whole sordid affair.

11:11 am March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I think JAP lovin meant to say “hominy”. They’ve got some great corn produce at the South Central Farmers Cooperative.

11:11 am March, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@JAP lovin^

You scare the shit out of me.

As for the pic, sad but not surprising that all of the wee ones are showing signs of douchebaggery and bleeth. Sideways peace sign, little girl? YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT SIDE WAYS PEACE SIGN IS!

I blame all the parents who, while this photo was being taken, were out back chain smoking the Palm Malls and crushing the Nati Lites and talking about how they hope their kid throws the winning touchdown at homecoming, or becomes the home coming queen, but not both because that would be f*cking queer and their kid’d better not be that way. Kids learn this bullshit behavior becasue a) the system breeds it and b) parents leave parenting to the system.

Hasteez, where were you when your kid was trolling the interwebs or staring blankly into the hi-def big screen? What were you doing when he was showing the earlier signs of douchebaggery, you know, calling his friends his “bro’s”, crushing his abs, and working on getting a “little girlfriend”. You were out back chainsmoking the Pall Malls, sucking down the Nati, and bemoaning your wasted youth, weren’t you?

Life’s a f*cking bitch, ain’t it? Enjoy watching Jr. spin out of control because you took your hand off the tiller a long time ago.

I suggest you call his girlfriend’s parents and make sure she’s on the pill.

Just kidding.

But not really.

At least, not about the pill thing. The rest of it, I’m suuuuuuuuure you’re a good parent.

11:18 am March, 17 Condouchious say... said...

you could threaten him with an unnecessary circumcision. whatever you do be sure to implement pieces from the old testament (abraham and isaac would be a good starting point).

11:22 am March, 17 NotThatAnon said...

Unrelated: Apparently, Lämp is doing cameo roles over at “Pearls Before Swine”.

11:22 am March, 17 Bagnonymous said...

Left-to-Right, ten years later–the college years:

Glee club social director
Chemistry lab assistant by day, Jeopardy watcher by night
Cheerleader captain and wicked handjob giver
Voted “Most Likely to be a Hott, Stuck-Up Bitch”
Will drink anything you hand her at a party
Will put anything in his mouth at a party
Last remaining proprietor of the now-defunct “peace sign and kissy lips”
Gas station attendant and part-time meth lab technician

11:24 am March, 17 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

The horror….The horror….

We may be witnessing this century’s Lost Generation. But without the intellect and talented prose. And with more stank.

11:30 am March, 17 End the Haberdouchery said...

TOR,

Way to single-handedly lower the mean IQ of the forum. Take your racist crap elsewhere.

11:30 am March, 17 Troy Tempest said...

TOR – you’re a fuckin’ idiot. And a Troll. And one should not feed the Troll. But, you’re a fuckin’ idiot. Kindly think of something amusing to say.

Like how your fun consists of sucking turds out of Plinky’s mom’s butt hole.

Or how you smell like the balls of Jesus.

Or something.

11:32 am March, 17 Troy Tempest said...

And poof, just like that he’s gone. Sigh. There is a God.

11:33 am March, 17 Troy Tempest said...

And that god is the ballsack of Jesus, judging by the events that just transpired.

11:34 am March, 17 douchebag1 said...

I generally don’t delete comments, but that one was uber-annoying. Carry on-

– management

11:39 am March, 17 Chad Kroeger said...

Jap lovin

You are a pervert. albeit a funny pervert. In the U.S. most girls have their Bat Mitzvah at 13, 12 if Ultra Orthodox.

11:39 am March, 17 James Roden said...

I weep for the younger generation.

I prescribe mocking, and ridicule. Much mocking and ridicule.

11:39 am March, 17 El Caganer said...

Stop letting your kids watch MTV or anything else showing “tv’s version of black culture”. Its bullshit that leads to the “lifestyle” they all brag about surviving.
As for the girls, go ahead and let them do what they want. I will enjoy f*cking their whobag asses as soon as they turn 18.

11:42 am March, 17 Baleen said...

thanks for cleaning up the shit, boss!

11:45 am March, 17 El Caganer said...

I know I complained about the milf pics, but we really should try a happy medium. By happy medium, I mean boobies.

11:47 am March, 17 Crucial Head said...

“…you smell like the balls of Jesus.”

CHORTLECOPTRZZZ!!!

Troy,

Marry me.

11:56 am March, 17 Mr. White said...

Shalom baglings, shalom dignity.

11:56 am March, 17 Bagnonymous said...

Chad Kroeger just read these comments and said, “Man, that T.O.R. is a douche!

11:57 am March, 17 Crucial Head said...

I’m pretty sure everyone in this picture has passed third grade reading, writing and arithmetic… despite the hand signals.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said of certain people who have been posting comments here recently.

11:59 am March, 17 Troll of the Reaper (T.O.R) said...

do not destroy my destiny, cos i wanna be the very best like no one ever was to be contraversial is my real quest to encroach is my cause, pokemon gotta kill em! all pokemon gotta kill em all! you listen to me and i teach you, you fucking cunts pokemon!

12:01 pm March, 17 Mr. White said...

Elijah just called. He said, “Tell their families not to leave an empty seat at their Seders for me anyway, ‘cuz I ain’t coming.”

12:06 pm March, 17 Scroteophobic said...

Oh joy. Just what the internet needs. Another person who is so edgy none of us can see past the crude racism and lingual skills that would shame a five year old to the deep and meaningful point to each carefully and delicately crafted ZenSlap. The rest of us read Stackhouse and despaired. But one person out there was apparently inspired…

And on that note I will stop feeding the bottom-feeding troll. TOR->Killfile (one thing sadly missing from most message boards these days…)

12:07 pm March, 17 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Looks like someone has been dipping into the green beer a little to heavily already today.

12:13 pm March, 17 jonezy said...

I, for one, have already enable in my mind an “automatic skip” for all of TORs comments, so frankly, they aren’t very offensive to me, considering they do not exist to me.

like many things in life, if you just ignore it, it will go away.

Herpes simplex 2 is not one of these things

12:16 pm March, 17 Chad Kroeger said...

I did. I am married to a Jew and have two Jewish daughters. But I’m drinking green beer and happy and this Tor douche thinks that his head is bigger than mine.

12:20 pm March, 17 phillipe mexes said...

why do you laugh? in france the women use a douchebag and a bidet, and men also use the bidet, it is logical non?

12:21 pm March, 17 phillipe mexes said...

what is zis drinkin for st patarik? in france we drink wine till we are red in the face then suffocate our wives with garlic and and.zen we…rape zem! ahaha!

12:44 pm March, 17 Fatness said...

I’ve never seen a turd talking before today.

12:45 pm March, 17 Captain Bringdown said...

Alright Hasteez, we’ve got to nip this in the prepubescent bud. You’ve got to have a serious man-to-man chat with the boy. Let him know that there are certain things a man must know, and he’s at an age where it’s time for him to learn. Then tell him that those hand gestures he sees on TV, those faces that he emulates, are all secret masonic call signs that are made to invoke Jesus to return and teabag the invokee. And once he’s had Jesus’s sweaty balls on his forehead, he’ll be forbidden to ever enter Temple again. He’ll have to join Jews for Jesus, that sad group of that all shared the Salty Sacrament of Sack from Jesus after unknowingly behaving like douchebags. And now, like the Log Cabin Republicans, they stand together on the Island of Misfit Philosophies begging to join a group that hates and shuns them.

Is that the future he wants for himself?

I’m sure it’s not.

Then tell him how disappointed his mother is in him.

1:00 pm March, 17 Hack Mulligan said...

Could this be Meeklow reborn as a troll? I thought that was as bad as it could get. Thanks for proving me wrong. I got a game for you. Its called Guess why I don’t read the comment threads much anymore. Not a catchy name, but a game I must play, none the less.

1:09 pm March, 17 Ümläüt Smäck Döwn said...

I wöüld päy $100 tö fïght T.Ö.R. üsïng BDB’s hëäd äs ä Mörnïng Stär Mäcë.

1:10 pm March, 17 Crucial Head said...

Damnit. Blown cover number two this week.

Fuck you WordPress!!

What would have happened if the Lone Ranger or Zorro wanted to post discrete comments here? Huh? HUH!????/??

1:19 pm March, 17 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

lol? lol? Seriously.

1:24 pm March, 17 NotThatAnon said...

Clearly @Ümläüt Smäck Döwn is no Fätness or Pömmelhörse Pümmelfïster.

Someone has obviously infiltrated Crucial’s account and we must apprehend whoever it is. Any data forensics ideas BCS if you’re out there?

I smell another conspiracy via the invisible hand of …
.
Samurai Scrote.

2:06 pm March, 17 Zorro said...

I will go to my grave with my secret iden…

Crap.

2:10 pm March, 17 scrotum pole said...

Hasteez,

Clearly, you must exorcise the douche demons from your offspring with the blood of an unblemished rabbi’s badger.

Shalom, out.

2:32 pm March, 17 Southern Scrotic said...

Post a pic of the younger generation and the pedophiles come out of the woodwork.

3:02 pm March, 17 Flyteeth said...

IF OYURE GOING TO HAVAW S ECRET FUCCEN IDIENTITY AT LEST MAKE A SEPARATE ACCOUNT BITCHWADS!

3:33 pm March, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

Or you can just accept the fact that as Jews we adopt the culture of the empires we live under, and as empires decay into scrote-ville, so our young and innocent shall go till they too see the light of history.

4:00 pm March, 17 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

My brother has a lovely 13-year old daughter. I have turned him on to both this site and the TV show so he knows the warning signs when she starts dating in a few years.

7:02 pm March, 17 SpineChowder said...

Croosh lost another scret identity…BWAAAHAHAHA!

7:04 pm March, 17 DarkSock said...

Tartar Sauce…

7:09 pm March, 17 Ł£ÅmMÆhh said...

h0£¥ $H1T….ïf Därk$0€K Îs $p1N€ÇhØwDër••••••••>thën whõ thä HËŁŁ @M Ï?¿¿

7:14 pm March, 17 Ł£ÅmMÆhh said...

Ï iż, thérë4 Į Åmß1€N

7:41 pm March, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

That photo hora-fies me.

8:33 pm March, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

Db1, you really do need to delete more trollbag comments. Use your power wisely, and just do it.

9:43 pm March, 17 Euripidouche said...

oh fuck, as much as i style myself as proudly amoral, i really hate making fun of people’s kids, not that i think kids are special in the whitney houston way, just that generally i only like to piss people off up to a point, and generally, when you make fun of people’s kids, even a little, you are already past that point…

plus what can you really say about the chicks…its like a “who always meets the neighbors before they finish moving in” test.

10:18 pm March, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Hasteez—

Did you just call your own son a douchebag?

High five!

And I say that without a trace of sarcasm or nastiness. Too many parents think everything their child does is darling, precious and special, even if the kid is acting like a total butt nugget. Thank you for your candor, and help is only as far as HCwDB.com. I recommend beating him with a switch soaked in piss.

Oh, no wait, that’s for Mr. White. I mean, I recommend a long talk about following the crowd and why having no ideas of your own as a youth will make you a miserable shell of a human being as an adult.

10:31 pm March, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Used to be a time when trolls had talent. Now any lurker who decides to come out of the woodwork and be an annoying little dick is calling themselves a troll these days. It’s quite sad actually. Boy, I was trolling BBS’s at 14 kbps and getting blacklisted by every SysOp in town when these little Frenchy-poo fag ‘bags had no bladder control. I scoff, yes scoff, at them.

*sound of scoffing*

They always come out in droves right after finals. Too much alcohol, not enough pussy.

10:43 pm March, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Just like any crime committed by a minor, the parents should be held responsible for their children’s douchebaggery.

How about rather than taking pictures, you give ’em a much-needed cuff to the back of the head?

12:00 am March, 18 Steve L. said...

the important thing is, rehabilitate your kids by all means, but don’t oppress them. that’ll only make douche culture that much more appealing.

oh and Hasteez, i demand glorious night gown pictures of your wife, and i don’t care if i’m not the first person who asked.

6:11 am March, 18 Deltus said...

Hasteez, I join Medusa in praising your honesty and candor in calling your son a douchebag when it is so clearly warranted. That is half the battle. And don’t worry about your son being lost, he’s not even really at Stage 1 yet. A stern, heart-felt talk will really help, as would the piss-soaked-switch beating (Medusa, you discarded that idea too quickly, methinks).

But the best way? Find some way to ply his little girlfriend (and if it’s any one of the girls in the pic, she’s a cutie, and kudos to your son for landing a cute one: see, JAP lovin, THAT is how you do it, not going all pedo, you freak) to learn how to recognize ‘bag behavior, and passive-aggressively mock it whenever he displays it. No quicker way to correct a 13 year old boy’s behavior than with his desire to please his cute girlfriend.

7:14 am March, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“I need an old rabbi and a young rabbi!”. Hasteez, start the exorcism now. Just watch out for the pea soup. It’s a bitch to get off the ceiling.

@ T.O.R. aka Phillipe Mexes

1) I’m not sure how many people here know who Mexes is let alone give shit. Yes, he is kind of a douche but Jeez, pick someone like Materazzi if you’re going douche. 2) Look into auto-erotic asphyxiation. I know it sounds complicated but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it. 3) If #2 is too difficult for you, I’m sure we can dig up some of SSS’s black tar heroin and fix you right up. Drop dead and have a nice day!

10:47 pm March, 18 Anonne Huntress said...

It takes a real man to call your own kid a douchebag.

I salute you, Hasteez.

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