Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Scorpio Douching

Interestingly, I read this in the horoscope section today:

——

If you or a loved one has a scorpion tatt on their chest, just above a small dog, be sure to mock their douchey-ass mandana all day.

—-

Accurate horoscope, that.

And before some of you dismiss Irish Eyes Teagan as nottahott, I demand the jury reconsider. She is real world delight, with fantastic curves. I argue for solid stage-3 real world hottness, and an appreciative clap.

And by appreciative clap, I mean Facebook stalking.

# posted by douchebag1
11:05 am March, 23 scrote you think you can douche said...

You know, it’s Richard Grieco’s birthday today. This is his fault.

11:08 am March, 23 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Yes, a hott. Sweet girl next door, with ample boobage. I’d like to play connect the dots with her freckles…

11:14 am March, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

That, and she’s a genuine redhead. This means two things:

1. Firecrotch

2. Batshit crazy sex.

And those bazookas under that sweet pink dress make it all the more alluring. The wrong person, once again, is topless here.

11:15 am March, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

Oh, and fuck you, Richard Grieco. Have a shitty birthday, you gross, greasy stool sample.

11:16 am March, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Why didn’t he finish drawing on the rest of his stubble BEFORE the picture was taken?

11:18 am March, 23 scrotum pole said...

Billy, always the good cousin, promised his aunt he’d instruct his retarded cousin how to properly insert her first Tampon.

11:20 am March, 23 Anonymous 3:16 said...

Medusa has it right – that chick screams incredible sex…I can’t ID why, but for the second time today I reference the SCOTUS – “…but I know it when I see it.”

11:29 am March, 23 Istis Est said...

I would definitely take her out to dinner at Applebee’s and have foreplay-less sex with her at least thrice. But only because she’s my friend’s younger sister and I want to tell him that I fucked his sister.

And Scrotio Mang needs to put his damn finger down. No, I don’t want to smell it! I don’t care what shitty Nu-metal band you’re the lead singer of. All you do is scream lyrics your guitarist wrote for you into a microphone and prance around on stage looking all “agro”. That means you suck.

11:30 am March, 23 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

She’s hotter than she looks here. The problem is that the smell coming from her left is causing involuntary facial contortion.

11:32 am March, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Funky Mung Finger

11:33 am March, 23 Chad Kroeger said...

She has a bit a Streisand going on in that dirty Irish head. But I like the tribe cause I’m cool like that. And she has great fuckable boobies like my aunt Irene.

11:36 am March, 23 Chad Kroeger said...

And she has matronly arms to hold me while I cry into my whisky and remember the promise of my youth.

11:40 am March, 23 Mr. White said...

Douche says, “You! Get over here and draw something on me with this Sharpie!”

11:45 am March, 23 Istis Est said...

^Like a chest that’s not sunken.

11:46 am March, 23 Istis Est said...

Or some more pubes perhaps.

11:56 am March, 23 RonJones said...

I’d tag it like a gang-thug in central Los Angeles. She’s a hot.

12:00 pm March, 23 Mr. White said...

@istis est

Hey, be nice. His inverted sternum keeps his fake dog tags from rattling around.

12:01 pm March, 23 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

I fucked a stump once. Not only did I fuck the stump, but I took it home to meet my parents. You see, I get so very lonely. I was so happy with my stump, except for the occasional splinter and termite reaming, but I loved her, you see, and she loved me. She saw inside, she saw who I truly was. Until Scorpion Dick here came and showed her his sweet mandana and swept my lovely stump away. I just know he did vile, unspeakable things to my poor poor stump. Put fucking varnish on her, goddamned cherry veneers or some douchebag bullshit like that. You just don’t understand the beauty of natural wood, do you douchebag?

So, anyhow, I came home, fucked a jar of chunky peanut butter, and softly wept.

12:01 pm March, 23 doucheywallnuts said...

The girl is not only nottahott, she’s a Red Pig. The arms and tits of a post-menopausal grandmother and god knows what’s in store beneath the margin of the photo. As it is we can see that she’s sporting a more-than-ample mid-drift…Oy vey…Guarantee from behind she looks like she has two huge bags of ice taped to her ass underneath that sun dress, with cankles, to boot. And the sideways pose is another sign of trouble…

12:03 pm March, 23 El Queso said...

Is she terrified-but-hiding-it or quietly laughing at him to herself?

.

.

Oh, and bonus: Fibonacci+Phi Math Animation Video by Cristobal Vila for @Mr. White

12:11 pm March, 23 Scroteophobic said...

Every one knows that Canis Major is under Orion. And Orion and Scorpio are opposed in the sky. Dog should have been on his back, under the tattoo of the muscular hunter with a very full quiver. Way to fuck up the night sky, choad. Next you’ll be putting a Sagitta into your Puppis. Wait a minute…

12:13 pm March, 23 El Caganer said...

Notta hot. Bad posture shows low self esteem and that usually equals boring sex, which is still better than no sex.

12:15 pm March, 23 Wheezer said...

That scorpion is the only tail he’s getting and the biggest stinger on him.

She has that dorky chick hottage working for her. Come to Wheezer…..

12:17 pm March, 23 Istis Est said...

^ Ooooh, snap!

12:20 pm March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

When he gets old and unavoidably obese, that scorpion is going to morph into a boiled lobster with it’s tail wrapped around a bowl of pinto peans.

12:24 pm March, 23 Istis Est said...

I’d have probably tried to make some clever remark about his articulated exoskeleton and failed miserably.

“Scorpion Wins! Flawless victory.”

12:31 pm March, 23 Mr. White said...

@el queso

Thanks, that’s a nice vid. And, interestingly enough, it’s remarkably similar to what I see in my mind’s eye when I’m masturbating.

12:33 pm March, 23 Mr. White said...

@el caganer

I must respectfully, but strongly disagree. Low self-esteem chicks will WORK it. It’s the most-expensive-first-date hotts that will just lie there and expect that to be enough.

12:46 pm March, 23 DarkSock said...

Mr. White is right.

Same goes for legless women.

Is what my friend told me.

12:47 pm March, 23 DarkSock said...

She looks like Ron Howard’s lost daughter.

1:10 pm March, 23 El Caganer said...

If she ain’t comfortable in her own skin, its not fun to slide it in.

1:13 pm March, 23 Deltus said...

I’d want to see more of the lower half before I render judgement on the hott/nott debate. Nice juggs, but the ass might be too big.

Redheads tend to fall into two camps: terrible fucks, and awesome fucks. You can’t know which until you talk to them a bit. Or, until they tie you up and start fucking you. Then you know. And an awesome-fuck redhead that ties you up and starting riding you like you were a plaything? She won’t stop until she’s good and finished. I recall that, from long ago. And now I weep.

1:20 pm March, 23 El Caganer said...

The really hot chicks often have low self esteem due to the fact that everyone treats them differently.

1:22 pm March, 23 shit-stained underpants said...

unleash those emerald isle,corned beef and cabbage fun bags directly on me grundle and the shitty one’s irish eyes are smilin’!

1:25 pm March, 23 shit-stained underpants said...

This faggot is about as gangsta as my grand-ma ma hanging laundry outside on a warm Kentucky summer day directly after she picks a nice dandelion bouquet for the dinner table. I recant my statement, my grand-ma ma is more gangsta doing those things than this faggot. May his penis hurt for no reason.

2:07 pm March, 23 Wedgie said...

Manly, yes. But I like it too.

2:16 pm March, 23 Troy Tempest said...

Well, by a bald headed christ, that’s the biggest natural rack I’ve seen in a while. A very nice girl.

Her choice in men, however, leaves something to be desired.

What the fuck is up with this “random sketchbook” approach to tatts? Medusa? Help me out here baby, I’m not gettin’ it.

It’s like “Oh, so like I loveds my little doggy, so I’ll get a tatt of him.”

Ok, fine. Stupid and shallow, and a misplaced locus of affection, but, hey, maybe that’s a really nice dog he has.

Then “Oh, I BELIEVE in astology! I BELIEVE!!!! I’m gettin’ me a SCORPIO TATT!!!”

And put it above the dog.

Fuck the stupid scorpion should be playing a doubleneck guitat while surfing in front of a pot leaf and a cross, singing, HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICK.

Oh, right, already happened.

2:17 pm March, 23 Troy Tempest said...

by te by – I saw the Runaways movie. It was actually really good. Kristen Stewart was VERY convincing as Joan Jett.

2:20 pm March, 23 Anonne Huntress said...

Makes me ashamed to be a Scorpio. What a dumbass.

And I don’t really care, she’s nottahott. She’s not a hot mess, she’s just… meh. But nottahott. Poopaloompa’s Jane was hotter.

2:44 pm March, 23 tballou said...

Nottahot, but that is actually a compliment around here.

2:57 pm March, 23 Guy LaDouche said...

Such a poor impersonation of the Peaches Point….which the fact that he resorted to an old standby bag move is just utterly douchey itself. *sigh* Sculpted facial pubage does not help. I will say that the GND is borderline nottahott…but he’s douchey enough to warrant the post. And when I say warrant, I mean Janey Lane Warrant douche…speaking of Cherry Pie, she IS a red head…but I digress…………

3:00 pm March, 23 Et Tu Douche? said...

Note the guitar in background and the Verizon V-Cast logo in upper left hand corner and potentially Funky Monkey?? logo in right hand corner. Me thinks he’s some wanna be musician who just finished performing at some locally sponsored talent show. Red hott was so awestruck that Scorpious took time out of his post gig signing of autographs (thus the sharpie in left hand) to grant her request of a photo with his talentless bad ass self.

Meanwhile, and by no means am I stereotyping, I bet she can get drunk with the best of them and becomes a naughty, turn it up to 11, 110% giving tigress in the sack with those big naturals bouncing & jiggling all over the place. She’s a sneaky hott in my book.

Why, Why, Why do chicks gravitate to the badboy/musician/choad? this question has haunted me for years?

4:55 pm March, 23 nona said...

Why are the Scorpios always the biggest d’bags?!

6:15 pm March, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Troy 2:16

Well, the bad news is, most people don’t think that far ahead. They get small tattoos for fear of the pain, despite my telling them that later they will surely want something bigger. As if my magic, they show up a month later wanting something added on. “Uh, can you, like, incorporate something into this to make it, you know, like, pop out more?” Well, dickweed, you should have just gotten the big-ass dragon instead of the teeny kanji symbol for “dragon”. I don’t tell them that stuff to take more of their money, I tell them that because I’ve seen it time and time again, and why waste a big canvas on a teeny design? Exactly what happened here. And when he figured out it didn’t hurt that bad, he decided to get a big one. And it made the little teeny one look even smaller and gayer and makes people like us laugh.

Then there is also the fear of regret or of being ostracized. Well, the fear of regret is real, but it’s way too mainstream to worry about people looking at you funny, unless you tattoo your whole feckin’ face. Old ladies beg to see my stuff when I’m out at the store, if they aren’t clutching their purses to their chests and screaming for the police, I’d say tattoos are entirely mainstream. As for the fear of regret, well, if that’s a concern, don’t do it. Don’t even waste flesh with a teeny, stupid little tattoo. Because now he can’t show his big “bad-ass” scorpion without showing off that cheesy little dog tattoo. Which, I might add, will look like a musk ox in twenty more years. But that’s neither here nor there.

Add also that this is somewhat impulsive for the majority of people who get them. They get a tribal armband, then fuss later about how to work a sleeve around it, wishing they hadn’t jumped the shark and gotten that tribal band when they were in Cabo with their bros. I argue with people, “If you’re going to get one, pick a spot and fill it.” Get the damn sleeve, get the damn backpiece, get a whole chest-plate-thingie. Otherwise you’ll be patching together a bunch of mishmash shit. Get the shit to be on a similar scale, with a nice flow, proportional and well-thought out. Lots of tattoos? Ur doin it rite. Lots of tattoos? Ur doin it rong.

11:44 pm March, 23 Whoop-di-douche said...

Okay, so she’s not gorgeous, but she IS a true redhead and she has ginormous natural-looking boobies under more modest attire, and she is wearing pink. HE on the other hand is a real stinger, er, stinker. In this case, I think it safe to ask “Why is SHE with him?” and then “Why is HE with HER?” on an equal op basis.

12:14 am March, 24 Euripidouche said...

el caganer, while there can be something to hot chickism being tied to low-self esteem, often times its because they get huge laughs for jokes that aren’t funny, barely observations really, they get tons of guys who think every other guy tries to kiss their ass, so this guy is going to tear her down, in hoping she will notice, other chicks suspiciously don’t want you around when they happen to be angling a new guy, or are in attention seek mode themselves, those with husbands or boyfriends are preternaturally suspicious, even when their man is little more than a portion of the bills and a penis.

all this is true, and it fucks up many a hot chick’s world view, distorts their reality, damages their people skills, all of that….

but, for one trying to bust a nut, or find some arm candy, all of this is of no direct benefit.

you see every hot chick is aware from age 14 at the latest, with few exceptional late bloomer, or babyfat losers, that most men at least want to bang them, even men who their rational side thinks shouldn’t at all be interested in them, uncles, cousins teachers, suddenly make moony faces and the like, go out of their way to act casual, but uncommonly attentive….they know they are sitting on a commodity, and they know you are a potential buyer…even if they feel they know progressively less about how the rest of the world works, they do know that…

which is why thinking of the direct equation pretty=lonely, or pretty=needy, doesn’t work. they get offered enough cock, its not anymore valuable than tap water, even though they no potable water is unavailable in most of the world, they have enough to poop in it…

you can however, insinuate yourself into their lives by appeasing one of their other needs, the famous friendship route…show me a pretty chick and i will show you five guys she thinks of as just friends, guys who will swear to jebus they only think of her as a friend, no matter who asks, because on the friendship route you have no friends, no confidants, and can afford no let downs, someone is always trying to knock you off the friendship route, as pathetic as the friendship route itself seems…for her part, she will swear, and may even believe, the way some people believe they will hit the lottery, that some of her guys on her friendship route tree, are truly just friends, she definitely will tell all who question the arrangement….

does the friendship route lead to banging, of course…but even if it is non-committed friend-banging, it seldom ends both casually and mutually.

2:32 am March, 24 Steve L. said...

anybody here a Sagittarius and good with a bow?

i’m a Virgo.

damn.

2:33 am March, 24 Steve L. said...

Teagan looks like she has a muscular vagina, as Sergeant Scrote Stain would say.

where IS that magnificent bastard?

2:45 am March, 24 Steve L. said...

er, magnificent BASTERD.

because a BASTERD’S work is never done.

2:49 am March, 24 Steve L. said...

oh uh SSS just came back today. how dumb of me to not notice.

5:57 am March, 24 Edvis said...

I thought this was HOT CHICKS with douchebags, not PASTEY-WHITE redheads with bad overbites…

9:12 am April, 2 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Hey! some of us like pasty-white redheads with overbites ….from (AND into) such mouths can great pleasures flow…

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