Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Italian Scallion

Italy.

Home to the finest foods and wines.

Land of some of the greatest art, design, literature and cinema the world has ever had the pleasure to witness as evidence of the human race’s highest achievements.

And then there’s Tony. A pimple on the pants leg of Petrarch. A boil on the back of Balzac. A skin flake off the nutsack of Antonioni.

Poor Sarah. And her Twenty First birthday had started so well earlier in the evening. Little did Sarah know, it would end with Fist Pumping.

# posted by douchebag1
10:33 am March, 11 Bagnonymous said...

His jacket actually reads “i’ll suck IT ALL for ten dollars.”

Sarah has nice bewbs, but matronly arms. And possibly a package.

10:45 am March, 11 Crucial Head said...

Uh oh.

Mr. Biscotti is cheating on Ms. Oblongata. Here’s your change Herr Weiss!

10:47 am March, 11 Deltus said...

Not just fist pumping. Those pants. THOSE PANTS! What are they, infused with metal fibers? Man, adding “metallic fiber clothing” to the auto-douche list. Unless your job is cleaning up nuclear spillage, you are NOT allowed to wear metal clothing.

10:51 am March, 11 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Ah. This is better. Baby steps I guess.

As for the Rapscallion, I hope his car explodes next time he tries to start it. And I hope Sarah and her lush pillows have fled by then.

10:59 am March, 11 End the Haberdouchery said...

He really likes Italy.

Way to go casual and wear basketball shorts to the bowling alley though. I find they really increase your range of motion while running hard into the pocket, and when you bowl.

11:01 am March, 11 massengill said...

Much better, DB1. This is a lot easier to follow.

A+++++

11:01 am March, 11 jonezy said...

with St. Pats day fast approaching, what is the doucheyness factor of witty “I’m Irish” shirts and their derivatives? Is it acceptable due to the holiday, or just accentuates other douche qualifiers?

11:04 am March, 11 Scroteophobic said...

Shhh. Don’t tip them off about the metallic pants. I’m selling these things to as many ‘bags as possible secure in the knowledge that adding finely ground magnesium to clothing will add sparkle (and whoomp crackle scream) to any night out. My next line is going to be in semtex drenched mandannas. Open mocking hasn’t worked, it is time to employ other methods.

11:05 am March, 11 Crosshair McDoucheson said...

Hey choad-rool you don’t-a have to go to school

Just make it with a big bambino

It’s like vino

Kid you good-a looking but you don’t-a know what’s cooking ’til you

Hey douchebag, douchebag Italiano

Hey hey douchebag, douchebag Italiano

Ho ho ho you mixed up Siciliano

E lo che se dice you get happy in the pizza when you —

Douchebag Italiano!!!

11:06 am March, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Crucial–please. I like my men with chins. And a smidgen of dignity.

The good news is, this is NOT Italy, I promise you that. The only country where people wear shit like this is America, and go figure it doesn’t say “America” on it. In fact, in Italy, only tourists wear this kind of stuff. Occasionally you’ll see a jacket like this with the name of a city or province on it (Mr. B. has one that says “Venezia” on it), but this kind of crap, especially the over-the-top matchy-match with the wristbands and all, would get your ass beat in Italy.

Mr. B. thought it was awesome that every time someone here met him it was all, “Oh, I’m Italian, too!” And he would just stare at them blankly while they went on and on about how their great-grandpa’s mailman was from Napoli. “I don’t get the point,” he huffed one time, “Why the fuck no one in this country is American? Everybody thinks they are fucking Italian here, what-a-da fuck?” I had to explain to him that we’re a people with no pride whatsoever and it’s more fun to leech off of everyone else’s culture than to create our own.

11:11 am March, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Jonezy–BWAAAHAHAHAAA…..I’m thinking the same thing. Yeah, my great, great grandfather came from Ireland, so what the fuck does that have to do with me being Irish? Effin’ nothing. I was born here, I grew up here, how that somehow qualifies me to another nationality is beyond me. St. Pat’s day is a non-event in Ireland. They go to church, go home and then eat dinner. The end. What vomiting up green beer has to do with being proud of anything is beyond me. I say all this sort of stuff is fucking douchey. I’ve never even been to Ireland, or Poland, can’t speak gaelic or polish, so wtf.

Although…is it possible to absorb another nationality by repeated fluid intake and ingestion…..?

11:21 am March, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Lost in all the St Patrick’s Day bashing ^ is the fact that supermarkets put porch beef on sale.

Porch beef and cabbage farts rule

11:25 am March, 11 Crucial Head said...

“Although…is it possible to absorb another nationality by repeated fluid intake and ingestion…..?”

Yes.

And I believe that is why the douche in this picture is proudly displaying the fact that he blew an Italian Stallion minutes before the pic was snapped.

11:28 am March, 11 melvil.duchi said...

Doesn’t he know those bullhorn charm necklaces went out in the 80s?

11:29 am March, 11 Captain Bringdown said...

Fox News is now reporting that a young boy may be trapped in those runaway pants.

11:32 am March, 11 Herr Weiss said...

@crucial

Let’s just say “dignity” doesn’t have a lot to do with why Medusa keeps me around. It’s more of an openness to degradation, be it receiving or giving.

Speaking of which, Medusa, I think we could have some good fun with Smiley Cutie Girl Next Door Sarah and her giant clitoris.

11:35 am March, 11 HULK said...

HULK WANT BIGGER GRAVATARRRR!!!!

11:37 am March, 11 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Those pants are a douchebag unto themselves.

This guy is about Italian as an hairless, sober, lactose intolerant Mongolian in touch with his feminine side who has a distinct aversion to using excessive hand gestures when speaking.

11:47 am March, 11 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Now here’s a real Italian.

12:47 pm March, 11 OMFUG said...

Honoré de Balzac was French, not Italian Db. “A boil on the back of [a] Ballsac” works just as well tho.

1:30 pm March, 11 Anonymous said...

Balzac was French, you dweeb.

2:02 pm March, 11 ufo destroyers said...

Is this thing working yet?

2:03 pm March, 11 ufo destroyers said...

Let’s try this without the link in my name.

2:38 pm March, 11 Anonymous said...

Oh, and Petrarch was Greek.

2:40 pm March, 11 douchebag1 said...

I know Balzac was French anon. That’s the joke, the malapropism of European conflation. It’s like calling all Asians Chinese. I guess I should’ve gone with Boccaccio.

2:55 pm March, 11 Publius Choadius Naso said...

Oh, Sara. Your wholesome goodness and generous smile just lit up a bit of the great empty bell of my heart. The slutty black top with the funky business casual thing makes me think that you’re an MBA student who nevertheless thinks Adam Smith was a weenie. That you look like a sensual Mira Sorvino has carbonated my hormones.

3:06 pm March, 11 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Send this guy to Rome, give him a banner written in Italian that says “I love Lazio and all you Roma Ultras are homos” and then let the fun begin.

Sorry for the football/soccer reference but I feel like I’d fit in with Roma’s Ultras right now with the day I’ve had.

3:13 pm March, 11 Euripidouche said...

good to see the cast the part of “salami jr.” in “the white shadow, the next generation”

8:37 pm March, 11 Baleen said...

test

9:46 pm March, 11 Steve L. said...

i refuse to believe that Petrarch has pimples that disgusting.

9:49 pm March, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ DBHD 3:06

Huh huh huh, nice one. You and me both, man. Lets go fucking kill someone. *DING* aw, sorry, man. My Toaster Strudel is done.

@ Mr. White: I know that when we piss on each other, it is done with love and respect and a genuine hope that a lesson learned will make us better people. And yes, her clit-penis is threatening mine. I think she and I must sword-fight it out.

2:12 am March, 12 DarkSock said...

Why has no one mentioned his shoulder-mounted phallus?

I bet he goes from skinny sunken chest guy to guy in the bar saying “buck-buck…?” until he finds one interesting in riding him piggy-back.

7:15 am March, 12 my friends call me @$$hole said...

@ Crosshair McDoucheson – Well played, m8, well played

I used to want to wear all this same kind of italian pride stuff when i was in junior high, in the ’80s… fortunately my parents knew better than to let me. Medusa said this outfit would get him beat up in italy, i’d beat him up here in america for it and i’m italian…

9:04 am March, 12 El Caganer said...

Test one

9:27 am March, 12 Dan said...

Wait a sec – I might be wrong but isn’t that Sunny Lane, porn star?

http://forum.sbrforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=6847&d=1244009328

The bod is right, the clothes aren’t what you’d expect but this looks like a pic of a random encounter. I don’t know what it means for the site, but I’d bet at least a buck that’s Sunny Lane.

10:29 am March, 12 Da Da Dooooschey said...

Man, she has a nice rack. I wish I had something more witty to add…..

12:34 pm March, 12 scrotum pole said...

test

11:34 pm March, 12 Bag O' Douche said...

It’s not Sunny Lane. I went to school with these people, found the pics on Facebook and submitted them. In fact, I think there are enough ‘bags I went to school with to keep this site running for years. I’ll submit more as I find them.

5:07 am March, 13 Dan said...

Well you should let her know that at least one person thought she plausibly looked like (a pretty hot) porn star. 😉

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