Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Neckglassian 'Bag

There is no clearer giveaway of lurking Grieco Virus than neckglasses.

Sure, we could’ve pegged Andy for his hand tatts. His mini cookie lobes. Or even the very early seedlings of fuffy hair. But Andy seems relaxed. Jovial, even. Bordering on a nottadouche for lack of douche-face and no Ed Hardy.

Thus, the Neckglasses. They tag stage-2.

Oh Aimee. How appreciative I am that your parents moved you here from Stuttgart when you were three. Your back curve suggests the health and vitality of a highly fertile womb, and I would reward you with bamboo sticks and chocolate.

# posted by douchebag1
7:13 am March, 23 Chad Kroeger said...

He wants to be a douchebag.

7:15 am March, 23 Wheezer said...

Does his neck say “Lasagna Doom Tube”? It damn well better not.

More like “(Fuck) Fish Slap’s Lube Tube.”

7:15 am March, 23 Mr. White said...

Oh, come on. Sometimes I jam Junior Mints into my ears, too. Don’t we all?

7:17 am March, 23 Big Tony Ventresca said...

Is that Ryan Reynolds’s younger brother and Vanna White’s daughter?

7:20 am March, 23 Chad Kroeger said...

Sweet Aimee’s shaved puss will admit she is not a blonde. However, I prefer brunettes and would chew on her like a rabid beaver while remembering sweet Dakota Fanning when I saw her by mistake on The George Lopez Show. On a side note I will single-handedly invade and conquer your New England if he is on TV for another season.

When I banged Joan Jett I lost my penis.

7:28 am March, 23 Maxim Kovalenko said...

@Wheezer I believe those neck tats read “Unemployable”

7:30 am March, 23 Chad Kroeger said...

I knew a girl with neckglasses. She was a douchebag. I must get back to work before I am too drunk, Eastern Time. What am I typing about? Should I get swole? Will my kids take care of me when I get the Canadian liver transplant? Can someone kill Andrew Dice Clay for me? Who is Kat Von D?

7:34 am March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I believe his neck tat reads “Sausage Casing”.

7:40 am March, 23 Deltus said...

He has too many douchemarkers. Spikey hair w/product, cookie earlobes, chin fung, neck tatts, full arm tatts down to the hand, and of course the neckglasses. That’s too many to pass, guy. You were probably normal once, but infection is infection, and you’re sullying a very tasty hott. Bad choadscrote!

7:42 am March, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Douche’s junk has been replaced by a URC? Well, on the bright side we don’t have to be worry about him spawning.

7:51 am March, 23 BROTHA' BAG said...

Hey DB1 : Today is RICHARD GREICO’S BIRTHDAY. That’s right…45 years as the very template of all things DOUCHE.How do you not devote a post to the man who launched a lifestyle !?!

7:54 am March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

In the gymnasium behind them Andy’s six-year-old son from his first marriage is getting ready to perform with his first grade class. This is a big thing for Andy because Gage has missed the previous three performances due to being either suspended or restricted to the classroom for “behavior unbecoming a first grader and distruptive to the educational objectives of Eastwood Elementary School.” Gage has a problem keeping his mouth shut and hands to himself. Dad doesn’t notice. Aimee thinks Gage is a little shit and looks forward to those weeks when his mom has custody and she and Andy can have sex when ever and where ever they want without the boy suddenly walking in or trying to peek under the door shouting “I know what you’re doing! Mom says you’re a filthy whore!”

Because of mommy’s experimenting with meth as a diet supplement, little Gage is easily the shortest kid in the class. That alone would make most kids stand out, but Gage also suffers from severe ADHD and so couldn’t stand still or keep his hands to himself if he Wii depended on it. But there he is in the front row, hair crisped up in a bold fauxhawk, brand new Ed Hardy shirt with skull and roses fresh and bright, mini plugs in his lobes to match dad’s, and a trio of chains around his thin neck. As the class breaks into “This Land is Your Land” Gage, standing between Sarah and Mckae and rocking back and forth furiously, closes his eyes, tilts his head back, and begins shouting “Girls got boobies but I don’t! Girls got booobies but I don’t!” His teacher tries to stop him without ruining the performance, but Gage knows this game and so scrambles away through his classmates and across the bleachers shouting “Boobies!” and “I saw my step mom’s gooder!” as loud as he possibly can until the entire assembly descends into chaos.

Andy thinks the whole thing’s hilarious.

Aimee makes a mental note to wear a thong under her pajama tee.

Gage gets a one day suspension for biting the principal’s nuts. He spends it drilling another hole in the wall between his room and his parents.

8:09 am March, 23 Mr. White said...

@scrotato head

Brilliant, sir.

8:15 am March, 23 End the Haberdouchery said...

Scrotato,

I wish I had your ambition and eloquence this early in the day.

Sincerely,

ETH

8:30 am March, 23 DarkSock said...

If you’re not on a boat fishing then no excuse for Neckglasses. And even then you deserve a shove from behind as you pee off the side of the boat.

The neck and hand tatts, plus the buttons from Momma’s Sunday Coat inserted in his lobes, say to her “I’m you’re new project; I’m really a great guy underneath and you can change me; just commit your best years to me and I in turn will transform you into a bitter middle-aged sofa“.

The neck and hand tatts, plus the buttons from Momma’s Sunday Coat inserted in his lobes, say to me “Get out your fuccen CHECKBOOK, Mr. TaxPayer; no job for The Jimster here!“.

Her boobs say to me “Nibble us like a starving field mouse“.

8:36 am March, 23 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Scrotato

Did Gage do Daddy’s tatts too?

8:46 am March, 23 Wheezer said...

@Scrotato, 7:34 a.m. –

I believe his neck tat reads “Sausage Casing”

So maybe he’s from Kapuskasing…..?

LMAO @ your 7:54 a.m. post, too.

8:52 am March, 23 Vin Douchal said...

Here’s my problem with this photo, folks, that could easily be my daughter and her boyfriend.

While she’s no Bleeth, her b/f has some of the signifiers of a douchebag. Difference is although he has the extreme tatts and stretched ear lobes, he’s also a good businessman, a hard worker and has a good family. I like to look at it as part of the job as he owns a retail business that is like a more expansive version of a Hot Topic store minus the goth theme. It’s more of a skater kind of place. He’s there 12 hours a day 6 days a week.

Reminds me of me when I was a young Douchal.

So for now, no complaints. He’s being opportunistic with the current trend of the Inland Empire young male demographic.

Also , they refuse to carry Ed Hardy stuff. He gets a pass. For now.

8:54 am March, 23 Vin Douchal said...

@Mr Scrotato Head 7:54

That has all the makings of a Hallmark Channel After School Special. Copyright that thang before you get co-opted

8:57 am March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin,

Wouldn’t it get old though? I mean, every time he bends over to open a new box of product or put clothes out on the bottom shelves his glasses would fall off. I swear I’d sell the franchise.

Or maybe open the boxes on a table.

And get rid of the bottom shelves.

But not the neckglasses. Ive have put in too much effert to give up on them now.

9:00 am March, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Hoo-f*ckin-ray for (Edit), Conflicting Edit’s smarter and hotter younger sister who got accepted into Mensa the first time she took the test.

10:19 am March, 23 Deltus said...

@Vin Douchal (8:52am) – Aimee could easily be your daughter? Like, looks-wise? Um, you got any… uh… um… hmm, awkward. Never mind!

11:11 am March, 23 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Wheezer 7:15

It better fuccen not!!! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

That photo, BTW, made Mama Oblongata cry. Which made me laugh. And then I felt bad.

@ Scrotato 7:45

Your story made me weep. For someday there will be a little Oblongata-Biscotti who will be victimized in school by the likes of Gage and I’ll have to tolerate it because Gage’s dad will be one of my best customers. That, and I’ll be afraid of Gage’s real mom.

I will actually give him a pass. I obviously don’t condone tattoos as auto-douche, but neck glasses indoors are a sure warning sign. And it irks me that chicks like this are always going for these guys—she’s supposed to go for Chip, the junior partner at her daddy’s law firm. Not these guys, the cast-offs, that are supposed to get snapped up by mentally unstable art chicks. After all, we get bored with Chip when we find out all he wants is kinky sex and to brag to his friends that he’s banging a girl that he can’t bring home to Mom ’cause she has tourette’s.

12:39 pm March, 23 Hong Kong Douchey said...

It looks like she’s trying to get a way from this guy. He IS a douche btw. He only has to achieve Stage Swole.

11:53 pm March, 23 Whoop-di-douche said...

He just looks like too nice a person to be sporting all those ridiculous tatts/ Why anyone would want to fit the common description of a hotwater bottle with a hose and nozzle is beyond me.

She would make the most acidic vinegar turn sweet just by her passing glance at a bottle of Heinz.

2:43 am March, 24 Steve L. said...

i feel sorry for the neckglass. it just wants to fall to the ground, man. let it go.

5:59 am March, 24 Edvis said...

Having “tribal” earrings and bad tattoos that were done in the suburbs does NOT make one cool.

7:34 am March, 24 ehcuodouche said...

I keep seeing those damn tube ears all the time now. Why don’t they just put those huge plates in their lips and be done with it.

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