Thursday, April 8, 2010

Ask DB1: Are Bodybuilders Bodybags?

—-

DB1,

I was wondering, are body builders automatically douchebags? Like, is it a profession that automatically qualifies you as a total scrote, or is it only douchebags who think that you can call injecting steroids every day a job.

Sincerely MJS.

—-

We define douchebaggery as the transformation of the body into spectacle to attract attention, so by that definition, yes, anyone who excessively works on their body beyond the point of good health or physique, qualifies.

However, as we see with Lumpy here, and his distant cousin, the late, great Pumpy, good humor and good cheer can go a long way towards mitigating any inherent douche classification.

So I will say yes, extreme bodybuilders start at a basic stage-1 ‘bag status. But can redeem themselves if there are no other scrotal signifiers present, and they exhibit self deprecating humor about their own cartoonish bodies.

And I see you too, Stacy. The pinch you just felt on your buttcheek? Wasn’t me. Okay, it was.

# posted by douchebag1
2:50 pm April, 8 Steve L. said...

guilty until proven innocent, roid boy.

Stacy’s tits are wider than the Three Gorges Dam.

2:53 pm April, 8 Steve L. said...

which is why Stacy can really use my patented breast positioning surgery.

hey i’m just trying to catch up. DB1 is already drunk. or something.

3:01 pm April, 8 The Know said...

I have been pondering this question myself for years. I lift weights as a hobby, maybe more than a hobby, to keep in shape. Yes I am very muscular but not roided out. I dont have any tatoos or tan. I wear sleeves to the gym and never show my abs in inappropriate places for pics. Does the presence of above average muscle make me an auto-douche? I hope not.

3:04 pm April, 8 Crucial Head said...

As far as the East is from the West, so art her boobies. So saith I.

3:12 pm April, 8 scrotum pole said...

If her boobs were any farther apart they’d meet at her spine.

3:13 pm April, 8 boone doggle said...

so it is said and so it shall be.

walleye

3:13 pm April, 8 Justin said...

The space between her boobs is so wide, it …uh, it could fit a third boobie.

3:14 pm April, 8 End the Haberdouchery said...

I bet her sternum said something really offensive to her boobs. Wow, just wow.

3:15 pm April, 8 scrotum pole said...

Each boob has it’s own area code.

3:16 pm April, 8 Crucial Head said...

Her boobies are so far apart they technically qualify as third and fourth limbs.

Holy shit! Literally.

I just realized she is Vishnu.

3:17 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy’s boobs are so wide they are the design team for chickenwaterwings.com.

3:18 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy’s boobs are so far apart the Pony Express uses them for saddlebags.

3:19 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

I’m just havin’ fun imagining Stacy’s bikini top on Lumpy’s lumps.

3:22 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy’s boobs are so far apart , a reconciliation team has been called in to reunite them.

3:23 pm April, 8 clam fist said...

Nothing wrong with Stacy’s boobies. I can fix ’em with a bungee cord and a little duct tape. That and a little WD-40 would make it an interesting 30 seconds.

3:23 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Someone bowled bedposts right up Stacy’s alley.

3:24 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

When Moses parted the Red Sea, Stacy was there….yes, she was.

3:24 pm April, 8 Anonymous said...

Mind the gap

3:25 pm April, 8 scrotum pole said...

Left boob to right boob (sobbing) :

“Why did we have to drift apart?”

3:26 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy has a plan…to paste those little white bows on Lumpy’s nips later that evenin’.

3:27 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy took triangulation to heart in her trigonometry class.

3:28 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy was the best model for demonstrating continental drift that her geography teacher had ever seen.

3:32 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Unlike many of her gal-pals who had twin peaks, Stacy had shifting sand-dunes.

3:32 pm April, 8 scrotum pole said...

The pictured ‘roid-bag’s unaturally small head could comfortably fit between Stacy’s boobs.

-seriously. Wow. Just, wow.

3:38 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

When Stacy’s boobs didn’t agree on the quality of her boyfriends, they just parted ways.

3:39 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Stacy is that rare female who has big tits AND a flat chest.

3:41 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Every so often, Stacy’s knockers stage a ping-pong tournament as an excuse to get close again.

3:50 pm April, 8 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Ok, when ‘bag’s pecs are bigger than the hott’s boobs, Houston, we have a problem!

Just sayin’

3:57 pm April, 8 Evil_Redheaded_Stepchild said...

This is why centerboobs are needed. Well, that and other reasons.

4:28 pm April, 8 Euripidouche said...

i do believe stacy has backboobs. boobs you can see from the back, the kind of girl you absolutely have to catch up to, to see what is going on around back…

they are a distance cousin twice removed from front ass, the kind of rounded posterior so prominent, it can be glimpsed when she is standing in front of, or walking towards you….

now in stacy’s case, her actual front boob doesn’t live up to the lofty expectations of her back boob….but she

her side boob can be seen from sarah palin’s house.

her boobs are so far apart you have to paddleboat them.

4:28 pm April, 8 Euripidouche said...

around front…

d.o.c.

5:06 pm April, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

I believe we’ve already covered the whole muscle=douche theory. It’s never a bad idea to revisit and re-analyze, based on new evidence. This guy looks all right to me, but the hair is pushing it. And by pushing it I mean backwards. Don’t fight it, flex, shave it off and call it a day. The only thing worse than douche hair is thinning douche hair. Rejoice and be glad, for balding men have more testosterone, ergo higher sex drive and tendency to pass on male heirs. I love me some horny baldies.

She oughta get her money back. The roundness at the sides of those things suggests implants, despite the sag. The bad news about implants is, they don’t change the shape of your tits, they just make ’em bigger. If you were born with beaver-tails, you’re just gonna get bigger, fatter beaver tails. Bummer.

5:18 pm April, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

Can I get this Gravatar business straight already? Jeebus. And Gravatar is still one of the gayest words EVER.

5:20 pm April, 8 Anonymous said...

Testes.

5:20 pm April, 8 medusaoblongata said...

Testes, testes.

5:21 pm April, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

Fuck it.

5:21 pm April, 8 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Judge not by the color of the skin…nor the muscles beneath…but by the content of the character (remembering Pumpy, a Notta, assuming looking like the Hulk makes not an auto-bag).

The least douchie among them may, in fact, be miserable with Body Dismorphic Disorder.

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc translates roughly as “All that is beefy is not ‘bag.

5:23 pm April, 8 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

@Dumbass above (5:21)

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc, you mean.

6:07 pm April, 8 Sorta Damocles said...

How does one find a bikini top that allows for that kind of distance?

.

.

I can’t help but wonder what it looks like when she’s running….

6:10 pm April, 8 Vin Douchal said...

I threw a topic in at the forum, check it out..

Hunters Convention

Let’s see if that ^ link works

6:15 pm April, 8 Vin Douchal said...

Yay! I linked.

Speaking of links, there’s a great one at the KTLA website called:

The Faces of Meth

Shocking, sometimes hilarious “after” photos are featured. Skip to #17 and check out the next five or so. Wow. Just wow.

6:19 pm April, 8 Vin Douchal said...

And just who the hell is Buffalo Beast in the Hall Of Mock?

6:27 pm April, 8 douchebag1 said...

Good catch, V.D. Speaking of the Hall of Mock, if you’re in there and want me to link your name somewhere, email me-

.

– management

6:32 pm April, 8 Vin Douchal said...

I wonder if Vera’s boobies do the same thing as Stacy’s if she put on that bikini?

Vera’s boobies

6:32 pm April, 8 Douche bigalow said...

Stacy, lose Lumpy the “pin-cushion” and run away with me

7:12 pm April, 8 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast calmly and stealthily strolled through the crowd in the background, silently mocking all that he saw… and careful not to let anyone see or hear his ghostly insults.

7:28 pm April, 8 Bagnonymous said...

Dude, if you’re working out so much that your boobies become bigger than your girlfriend’s…

.

Stop. Just stop.

7:36 pm April, 8 Bagnonymous said...

Stacy’s boobies’ theme song is “They’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain…”

.

Pretty soon she’s gonna need a backssiere.

7:38 pm April, 8 Euripidouche said...

and by paddleboat of course i meant paddlewheel

you would have to paddle wheel stacy’s boobs

7:46 pm April, 8 Bagnonymous said...

I’m guessing that .223 hanging from his neck is packin’ more girth than his roided-out pecker.

.

I bet it smells like Stacy’s cooch, and that’s why he hangs it directly under his nose.

7:56 pm April, 8 The_Postdouchster_General said...

The buff-bag eh?

with every rep, Ed Hardy laughs.

…and we cry.

8:42 pm April, 8 Manimal said...

Ach! Mein reizender Douchebeutel…

~

8:47 pm April, 8 creature said...

continental drift theory has never been better demonstrated than on her chest!

8:57 pm April, 8 DarkSock said...

Her boobies are farther apart than republicans and democrats on health care.

9:14 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Hey, I already used Continental drift way back with the geography teacher, Creature. Read the previous posts you dear little animal, you.

9:16 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

Her theme song is the Beatles’ “Come Together.”

9:21 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

A fella could not boobie-fuck Stacy, he’d have to do a one-arm-one-tit fuck. And if he was a two-peckered billygoat, he could do both at once.

9:21 pm April, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

…just sayin’,

9:34 pm April, 8 Anthony Bourdouche said...

Can’t believe I’m the first one to notice Stacy’s sideboob by default of her flesh chasm between her balloons. That middle string on the bikini top is screaming for mercy already.

9:57 pm April, 8 soy bomb said...

Ahhh…Just cracked an ice cold “Mountain Rush”, Shasta’s knock off of Mountain Dew. It’s great.

.

.

These two are hideous.

10:43 pm April, 8 Baleen said...

Don’t laugh. They both have Lateral Nipple Syndrome.

10:45 pm April, 8 Baleen said...

Her tits are so far apart, Plinky’s mom could land a steamer on her sternum, no problem.

10:52 pm April, 8 Wheezer said...

Her boobies are so far apart that if you motorboat them, you’ll throw out your neck, kid!

11:47 pm April, 8 Scroteophobic said...

Never seen equilateral cleavage before – the triangle defined by her boobs and bikini is an inspiration to geometry fans everywhere. But the polka dot breast defenders are isosceles triangles? This is too odd. Intuitively I’d assumed that any outfit where the width of the cloth covering bewbs was smaller than the inter-cleave distance would be good. This is NOT what I had pictured…

12:09 am April, 9 Baron Von Goolo said...

We define douchebaggery as the transformation of the body into spectacle to attract attention

So where does this leave circus clowns?

There’s certainly something wrong with them but I don’t think I’d go with “douchebag” per se.

12:11 am April, 9 Baron Von Goolo said...

Do you think her boobs are normally like that, or is there a chance that this picture was taken at 400 mph?

12:14 am April, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Mimes are still pretty douchey, though.

12:15 am April, 9 Baron Von Goolo said...

CAULK! Darksock beat me to the health care joke. I guess I need to show up before midnight to be current.

1:00 am April, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

What the heck happened to her boobies? Did the left one tell a really racist joke or something?

.

Speaking of caulk, I worked in an custom cabinet shop once, and we always had arguments about which was better: white caulk, or black caulk. Black caulk was generally stronger and made for a tighter seal, but white caulk is more aesthetically pleasing to the eye. It all comes down to a question of personal taste really.

.

I didn’t care where my caulk came from, personally. As long as my caulk was strong, flexible, and didn’t stink like ammonia.

.

And yes, clowns ARE douchebags. Mimes, on the other hand, are Frenchy-fag-nasty clowns and need to be eradicated. Like the Peugeot.

1:12 am April, 9 DarkSock said...

The look on her face suggests that Patrick Starfish just shat all over Sandy Squirrel and Mister Krabbs in her Bikini Bottom…

1:42 am April, 9 William Young said...

And you thought Steve Martin was joking about the risks of “dislocated breasts” in Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.

4:16 am April, 9 DarkSock said...

Stacy’s breasts learned that behaviour from watching her legs.

.

Medical Fact.

4:34 am April, 9 scrotum pole said...

Lumpy’s right nipple is tentatively sniffing at Stacy’s breasts, as a dog would another’s anus, wondering if there’s any hope for reconciliation.

4:55 am April, 9 Chad Kroeger said...

Apes. Damn dirty apes

5:14 am April, 9 DarkSock said...

hesh it u big head sumbitch; yo head so damn big when you go to balloon races people keep jumping on your shoulders for a ride

5:33 am April, 9 Euripidouche said...

jesus tits!used to be a figure of speech, but hers look like they have been nailed to the opposite side of a cross bar.

7:49 am April, 9 Deltus said...

Her boobs are so far removed from each other, they could safely mate and make a baby boob.

Agreed on your diagnosis of the situation, boss. Although in his case, he may have other signifiers. Possible grease hair. Are them dogtags hanging from his thigh, sorry I mean neck? Possible GSR. And given everyone else’s dress, possible Inappropriate Shirtlessness.

8:05 am April, 9 clam fist said...

I like ’em. Hatters.

12:11 pm April, 9 Just Sayin said...

Tell me that’s not Alice the Goon from Popeye…

http://images.darkhorse.com/covers/300/12/12696.jpg

3:19 pm April, 9 doucheywallnuts said...

Saying a bodybuilder isn’t a douchebag is like saying someone isn’t an alcoholic because they just overdrink beer….It’s like being pregnant, you either are or you aren’t.

8:55 pm April, 9 Lithi said...

Stacy’s got a dude face, she looks like she could be this choad’s sister.

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