Thursday, April 29, 2010

Ask DB1: "Daddy what's a douche?"

—–

Dear DB1,

On the way to school yesterday morning, a song comes on the radio with the title of something like “I am in Love with a Douche.”

My 7 year old daughter asks me, “Daddy, what is a douche?”

And I stared into space, not knowing what to do.

I mumbled something about “a douche is a very vain man his into really into the way he looks” and then head faked her with a package of Ho-Ho’s. Can you please provide some parenting advice? Usually I would say honesty is the best policy, but can innocence not be spared?

Signed,

Daddy Douche

—-

Children, especially young girls, must be introduced to douche mocking at a very early age. This should not be hard, as usually by the third or fourth grade, uberbags have begun to assert their nascent assholic masculinity on the playground.

Teach the young ones well. Do not couch the truth. Guide her well, and she will mock for a lifetime.

# posted by douchebag1
11:22 am April, 29 DarkSock said...

Hell dude I thought the Ho-Hos were the best parenting choice. Ima have to remember that move…

11:24 am April, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

When I was a wee Gorgon, we simply called them “bad boys”. Now, however, the culture of Bad Boy has evolved into varying strains, each with its unique peril. There is the Columbine Bad Boy, obsesses with D&D and will eventually kill everyone at school. There is the Rocker bad boy, who will never have a job, sleep on your sofa, and always be too stoned to form a band. There is the Execu-Bad Boy, who wears smart suits, drives a nice car, your parents will love him, and he will beat you with a belt in a martini-fueled rage weekly. I could go on and on, but Douche is yet one more strain of Bad Boy to beware of, and most young girls can’t see past the preening and peacocking to recognize the insidious, infected soul beneath. The bling and display distracts from their toxic personalities, their lack of intelligence, foresight or courtesy. Be honest, Daddy Douche. If you don’t tell her, who will? I think one day I’ll write a book for such occasions, with nice illustrations, so daddies and daughters can sit down over it and have a candid talk about what future assholes are going to use their sweet little bodies and throw them away. The final chapter of the book will be all about firearms.

11:25 am April, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ what’s with the weird random tags in there? I didn’t do that.

11:26 am April, 29 Douchesquire said...

A month or so ago, as I was about to take a pic of my 8 year old son and 7 year old daughter, up came the sideways peace signs from both. I put down the camera, took them both on my knee, an explained very carefully that making gestures like that was unacceptable, and was reserved for people we make fun of, as they are idiots. After a good long talk, the issue was dead, I have taken inumerable pics since, with nary a faux gang sign to be seen. Whew.

Fast forward two weeks, we are at Friendly’s, and in comes a gang of idiots with the 3d hat tilts and Ed hardy garb. I pointed out the scrotes to my son, who agreed that they looked like complete idiots, and asked “are they the same kind of people that to the hand signs for Pictures?” Indeed grasshopper, indeed. The light went on, and a young bag hunter was born.

It is never too early to instill upon our children a disdain for the douche, or a love in the mock. In the words of some crappy 60’s band, “Teach your children well.”

Now go set then younguns straight.

11:29 am April, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

New Kids Take A Lot of Cocck?

11:39 am April, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Ok. From now on there is no such thing as a Bad Hair Day.

And can someone please explain to me how to get my picture back up? I miss my rat with the bat.

11:41 am April, 29 Bag Margera said...

Unfortunately you can’t tell your daughter to stay away from them, because thats a sure fire way to bleeth them out. But whenever you see a douche, you should point and laugh with your daughter, and hopefully she’ll copy your behavior into early adulthood.

11:46 am April, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

A series of children’s book should be published. I have a short list of ideas all rearing to go (of course):

.

– The Bearing Taint Stain Bears

– The Princess and the Peen

– The Phantom Troll Pooeth

– Why Euro-Trash Techno Buzzes in People’s Ears

– Tom’s Midnight Groinshave

– The Tale of Peter Rabbit’s 10 Degree Hat Tilt

– Hucklebare-chested Finn

– Charlotte’s Web of Lies and Self-Loathing

– Where the Side Swagger Ends

– One Douche Two Douche Orange Poolius Crimson Ted

11:53 am April, 29 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Don Mclain was inspired by the state of society around hiim when he wrote “American Pie” back in the day. I like to think if he took a good look at the state of the young adult male today, he might write something a little like this.

Cheeseburgers and Fries

.

A long long time ago

I was once a member

Of a kick ass gang what ruled the coast

And I knew if my moves were tight

That I’d get pussy every night

If you was there you’d know that ain’t no boast

Filling crème pies made me quiver

With each load that I’d deliver

But gray hairs down where I pee

Turned boners into mem’ries

Then my whole world came crashing down

When all the bleeth up and left town

I was the king without a crown

The day the douchebag died

.

So now I cook cheese burgers and fries

Drove my parents to disown me I’m the one they despise

And my old bro-heims they got the AIDS and they died

For a dollar more you can super-size

For a dollar you can up-size

.

Yeah I wrote the Book of Scrote

My cockk shoved down each and every throat

Of the jump offs and the ho’s

Now do you waste time at glory holes?

Do hormones make your muscles swole?

Easy bud you have to talk real Slooooooow.

Well, I should have known she was a him

But her tits were big and her waist was slim

We both did a coke line

Man, she looked good from behind

It was a long night and I needed to f*ck

When she dropped her thong I saw the tuck

That I knew I would have to suck

The day the douchebag died

It tastes like chicken

.

I, I cook cheese burgers and fries

I could work at the call center but this dude don’t wear ties

And this fast food joint hires anyone who applies

In five years I’ll have my own franchise

One day I’ll have my own franchise

.

Now, for two months I been on my own

And fat grows thick ‘round this shriveled bone

But that ain’t how I used to be

We rocked the clubs in the Bronx and Queens

In Affliction shirts and bedazzled jeans

Learned my tribal tat sez “Pork and Beans”

Everywhere there was pussy to pound

DJ Bello played his funky sound

Our shaved groins we revealed

No crushed abs were concealed

And while Bello danced in the parking lot

We all got blowjobs from some hott

And snuffed our brains on shitty pot

The day the douchebag died

Is something burning?

.

I, I cook cheese burgers and fries

Lost my girlfriend to my buddy now I date a plus-size

And her saggy tits stifle the sound of my cries

F*ckin onions put these tears in my eyes

Onions put these tears in my eyes

.

Tight turd cutter filled with baby butter

The thought still makes my engine sputter

But good things never seem to last

Like all my broheims I obsess

On getting hotties to undress

With my hat tilt, and wristdana I impress

Now her low cut dress flashed fake balloons

I had to get my hands on soon

She took a downward glance

There was no swell in my pants

I tried to say it was the coke

That in time she’d get a nasty poke

My sex life had become a joke

The day the douchebag died

My break is over

.

I, I cook cheese burgers and fries

For McDonalds from today until the day that I die

And my coworkers they all call me thunder thighs

Right now Star Wars is the Happy Meal prize

Can I have your Happy Meal prize?

.

Oh, some say we were a total waste

A generation filling space

A life style you can’t defend

So f*ck off I ain’t humble, I’m a slut

I’d even pee in a horse’s butt

‘Cuz hot tubs are a DockSock’s fav’rite friend

But when I read that “Hot Chicks” page

I banged my cell phone keys with rage

You can all go to hell

Who cares if I can’t spel

As the posts piled high on that hatter site

To fight the spreading Grieco blite

I heard Medusa cackling with delight

The day the douchebag died

My girlfriend’s pregnant

.

I, I cook cheese burgers and fries

I could be a steel cage fighter wrestling with other guys

With my awesome moves and tat that says “Fight or Die”

This’ll be the year that I try

This’ll be the year I might try

.

I met a dude who just said “Groooo?”

And I asked him why we smelled like poo

But he just put on more Axe spray

I went down to the Jersey Shore

Where I’d rocked the shocker years before

And saw orange skin and Ed Hardy on display

For in the clubs the Guidos raged

E-Blo stared, and Donkey Douche aged

‘Cuz did I fail to mention?

Playaz pay no attention

And the three bro’s in the tanning bed

Fish Slap, Smoot, and Crimson Ted

Just ignored old Scrotato Head

The day the douchebag died

I need a ride home

.

I, I cook cheese burgers and fries

I’m so fake so superficial I just can’t realize

That the life I’ve lived was just a series of lies

Would you like a hot apple pie?

Nothing beats a hot apple pie

We were singing

.

We, we cook cheese burgers and fries

Drove our parents to disown us we’re the ones they despise

And our old bro-heims they got the AIDS and they died

For just a dollar more you can up-size

For a dollar more you can up-size

12:00 pm April, 29 Baleen said...

@ Scrotato

I’m about done for now. Epic.

12:07 pm April, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

– The Very Horny Caterpillar

– The Rats of DIM

– The Mouse and the Tricked Out Scion tC

– The Jizz in the Chest Pillows

– The Louse at Poo Corner

– Vainglorious George

– Where the Wild Herpes Are

– Journey to the Center of Hard Rock Cafe

– The Three Musky Taints

– A Wrinkle in Scrote

12:16 pm April, 29 Vin Douchal said...

Honey, boys have cooties. Douchie boys have green worms crawling out of their butt, bird’s nests where their brains should be and they hate hate hate dolls and anyone that plays with them, As a matter of fact Douches have tried to get toy companies to never make dolls again

12:18 pm April, 29 Bagnonymous said...

The newest boy-band, N*to men.

.

Eh… I’ll keep trying.

12:22 pm April, 29 Bagnonymous said...

Holy Jeebus, Scrotato! You & Vin Douchal should hook up, Hall & Oates-style. You know, like Brooks & Dunn. Simon & Garfunkel. Captain and Tennille.

12:24 pm April, 29 Bagnonymous said...

The Broken Trojans

12:30 pm April, 29 Chad Kroeger said...

@scrotato head

nice new lyrics, i would copyright it

@DB1

in my state of drunkeness yesterday,my sweet almost 8 year old Lily Suzanna walked home from school in tears. she kicked a douche in the nads for the first time and was feeling very blue for her violence and the shiner the douche gave her. I gave her a brownie, steel toed shoes, tasty cola, and a new attitude. canadian douches beware. and there fathers be terrified.

12:42 pm April, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, auctiioned off her wedding hat for her marriage to the Prince of Wales to benefit her fave charity, “Ask Me No Questions, I’ll Tell You No Lies” gay rave group; who split it up into several headdress concoctions to wear to their annual “Scratch My Charity Balls.”

1:09 pm April, 29 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr S Head

Hilarity. There were quite a few spit takes in there. Luckily I turned my head.

Since my head was turned I figured I’d poke my balls and cough……nope, I’m fine …

1:16 pm April, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh wow. There’s a young girl trapped in all that alien creep. There’s that Newt visual again.

1:22 pm April, 29 scrotum pole said...

@ Scrotao,

Well done.

@Medusa,

Sign me up for a copy of the book. I think one of my illegitimate children is a girl.

@Bag Margera

Excellent point.

1:27 pm April, 29 Deltus said...

They must see the mock. Mock right in front of them. Encourage them to copy you, engage in the mock along with you. The mocking is good. It teaches them right, correct behavior. And, if they start early enough and mock the baglings at an early enough stage, the baglings might be saved! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the point at which peer pressure no longer can have a positive influence, doesn’t really set in until after puberty.

1:55 pm April, 29 douche bagel said...

how cute, they’re like douchebags only smaller. its time to shoot the moon

2:13 pm April, 29 Douche Scroets Scrociety said...

Stranger danger, please get out the mace

Don’t let that douche touch your special place

The sooner she mocks, the sooner she’ll see

That douchebags and scrotenuts aren’t like you or me

3:17 pm April, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

‘Nsuck

The Bumrush Boys

Cream Street

Alter Boyz

3:55 pm April, 29 Euripidouche said...

what katie douched.

10:01 pm April, 29 Fatness said...

And people ask why I don’t have kids…

1:09 am April, 30 Baron Von Goolo said...

Was Scrotato’s post funny? I’m tired and reading’s hard.

1:12 am April, 30 Baron Von Goolo said...

The hair in this bagling pic is truly spectacular.

I dub them DragonballZon Chin.

3:57 am April, 30 Steve L. said...

one of these days i’d like to ask Ass Pear la Plante “where do babies come from?”

in Spanish of course.

7:52 am April, 30 jeff pickerington said...

Why, just tell your daughter that douche is French for shower.

8:03 pm May, 2 Stephanie said...

wow a sale on toilet brushes today!

12:36 pm September, 15 yogesh kumar said...

I like this post. I appreciate your hard work .Keep it up

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