Thursday, April 22, 2010

Crayon Gary

Crayon Gary so crazy!! He wears baby toys… around his neck!!

And if there’s one thing his chest tattoo tells us, it’s this: Time for Tubby bye bye! Time for Tubby bye bye!

Oh Simona.

How I would lightly anoint your bottom with fig extract and mosquito resin. And then read to you early Saul Bellow by candlelight, while charming you with ancedotes about my time in the merchant marines. And then humping your warm pillow when you get up to pee.

# posted by douchebag1
1:00 pm April, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

That’s a lovely tattoo he has. I’d like to remove it with a pizza cutter and needle-nose pliers and then display it in my drawing room.

.

As for her, I would fight a Kodiak bear armed with only cherry Tootsie Pops and a small canvas satchel filled with polystyrene for the opportunity to sew my own kidneys into shoes for Jumoke, the 24-year-old Nigerian man who got access to IRA account of the grandad she doesn’t care for because he always smells like sour milk and moth balls.

.

Poor Granpa Jake. Looks like you’re not related to a wealthy Nigerian Prince after all. Back to the Eleven Feather Casino to try and win back your lease payments.

1:11 pm April, 22 Claude Douchenburg said...

I think we have just reached the extremes of douchedom and hots. Crayon Gary and Simona are on the complete opposite of the douche spectrum from Jed and Penny. All the other douches and hots of the globe fall somewhere in between.

1:15 pm April, 22 Claude Douchenburg said...

And by falling in between I mean Simona’s thighs with hot buttered popcorn and gummi worms.

1:16 pm April, 22 Bagnonymous said...

Now I like Jimi Hendrix as much as the next guy, but getting an Axis: Bold as Love album-cover tattoo is a bit much.

1:17 pm April, 22 Bagnonymous said...

PS. I don’t usually dig on the Filipino/Pacific Island chicks… but Simona? Oh yes, I’d dig on her. I’d dig all over her.

1:18 pm April, 22 massengill said...

In the background, Buffalo Beast draws on a freaked Black & Mild and ponders just what a huge knob this toolbox is.

1:22 pm April, 22 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Being color blind, I am not sure if the bandanna and the tattoo are color coordinated. I am certain, that they are both poo.

1:25 pm April, 22 End the Haberdouchery said...

This guy has the total consciousness promised to Carl by the Dalai Lama himself, 12th son of the Lama, tattooed to his chest. So he’s got that going for him.

1:52 pm April, 22 DarkSock said...

Is that a technicolor bear’s asshole in his sternum?

1:54 pm April, 22 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

See what happens when your gay 9 year old nephew picks out a tat for you?

.

I’d like to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of Simona.

1:54 pm April, 22 Deltus said...

He… actually chose to have *that* image tattooed on his chest. I just… I have no words…

1:55 pm April, 22 DarkSock said...

Gary didn’t recognize Simona’s broach for what it was: desiccated sphincters of her previous victims. Riding in her purse was the sharpened apple coring implement, hungry for its next puckered plug.

2:04 pm April, 22 boatbutter said...

I think Toucan Sam gave him a Cleveland Steamer.

2:09 pm April, 22 Scroteophobic said...

Does this guy have a day job as a play-mat in a kindergarten? Only reason I can think of that links the garish tattoo and dummy on a string.

2:18 pm April, 22 spelling d-hole said...

ahem… “anecdote”

2:25 pm April, 22 mr.reeve said...

The only thing douchier then a douche is a wanna be douche. Get a real tattoo you homo! That’s why I will never be seen at Coachella.

2:49 pm April, 22 Chad Kroeger said...

Time for Tele tubby bye bye. Pure genius. I would Dipsy her La-La with my Tinky Winky any day. And he is Po. I can see her baby face in the brilliant sunshine.

3:11 pm April, 22 melvil duchi said...

Jason Biggs in American Pie 7 – Mid-Life Crisis is my excuse for today.

His tattoo also serves as a nightlight

Simona gives me a bona

3:23 pm April, 22 G said...

lol @boatbutter….Toucan Sam Cleveland Steamer…lmao!

3:39 pm April, 22 Chaz said...

Gee, he must really like humming birds. Also, when did Skittles start making jewelry?

4:04 pm April, 22 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Is that Jed’s older brother?

4:46 pm April, 22 X-Raver said...

Believe it or not, enough extacy can and will make the whole world turn into cartoon, and land hotts that are far beyond your sober comprehension of obtainable. Unfortunately serotonin is of a limited supply and so are Gary’s days of remembering who framed Roger Rabbit.

5:09 pm April, 22 red said...

i have to say, i am never, ever, never going to have my picture taken ever again at any party. having fun is now too damaging these days.

5:51 pm April, 22 Baron Von Goolo said...

When you squeeze his nipples he blows Skittles out of his blowhole.

5:54 pm April, 22 Baron Von Goolo said...

Even Roger Dean thinks that tattoo is tacky.

9:38 pm April, 22 Soy Bomb said...

Yeah, there were tons of these ‘bags at Coachella this year. Many dirty hipsterbags and furrybags as well. The more annoyingly fucced up on ecstacy they got = the more I thought about bloody murder.

10:17 pm April, 22 Baleen said...

I think the guy in the back just realized that he left the iron on. Either that or he’s pulling on a giant incense cone.

.

And where the fuck is G.G. Allen when you need him to apeshit on somebody?

10:18 pm April, 22 Baleen said...

^ “go”

.

Doh!

10:53 pm April, 22 Whoop-di-douche said...

Never thought I’d be seeing Farmville tatts on someone’s chest.

10:55 pm April, 22 Whoop-di-douche said...

makes me wanna sing,

“Bana bana, bo bana,

Banana nana, no nana

Fee fie fo fana, nana.”

11:00 pm April, 22 Whoop-di-douche said...

If a douchebag has two giant hummingbirds tatted on either side of his upper chest, are their beaks lookin’ for nectar in the two rosy spots?

Just askin’.

11:02 pm April, 22 Whoop-di-douche said...

“Look, look, boyz and girlz, at what I found in Toyz ‘R Us!” chippered Simona to her pre-school class.

11:04 pm April, 22 Steve L. said...

Crazy Crayon Gary is just enjoying himself man. cut him some slack.

actually, just cut him. with lots of knives.

11:09 pm April, 22 Rumpelscroteskin said...

Give the exhibitionist a break. At least his bandana is a good color match with the tatts. And Simona is more heavenly than the tastiest chocolate truffles one could find on the face of this earth.

11:38 pm April, 22 Steve L. said...

fuck i hope the sarcasm in my previous post got through.

if not, we’re gonna need a lot more knives and a lot more cutting.

8:53 am April, 23 Sorta Damocles said...

The awesome Teletubby reference by the Boss reminds me of something. Remember all of that bullcrap surrounding Tinky Winky, the androgynous autistic alien with the purse? My kids were at just the age where I saw a couple episodes of this and I could tell it was just an innocuous, stupid show that young kids liked.

.

Enter Yo Gabba Gabba…where one of the main characters is a one-eyed, bright orange, studded dildo! Where the fuck is Pat Robertson’s Army of God now? Not only is the Dildo getting a pass from any contraversy, he gets into a Super Bowl commercial with an evil sock monkey.

.

I don’t know where I’m going with this….I need coffee and NyQuil.

10:32 am April, 23 tall guy said...

Only a complete idiot gets such a garish tatt. As for Simona though, my taste is similar to Bagnonymous re. Filipina/Pacific Island chicks – and I live in a country within the Pacific rim and can regularly check out heaps of both types. Exactly what she is I’m uncertain. Aside from very doable.

1:09 pm April, 24 Rick said...

makes me wanna sing,
“Bana bana, bo bana,
Banana nana, no nana
Fee fie fo fana, nana.”

3:13 am April, 25 Brian said...

Only a complete idiot gets such a garish tatt. As for Simona though, my taste is similar to Bagnonymous re. Filipina/Pacific Island chicks – and I live in a country within the Pacific rim and can regularly check out heaps of both types. Exactly what she is I’m uncertain. Aside from very doable.

5:44 am April, 25 Dave said...

Only a complete idiot gets such a garish tatt. As for Simona though, my taste is similar to Bagnonymous re. Filipina/Pacific Island chicks – and I live in a country within the Pacific rim and can regularly check out heaps of both types. Exactly what she is I’m uncertain. Aside from very doable.

11:50 am April, 25 Alan said...

Only a complete idiot gets such a garish tatt. As for Simona though, my taste is similar to Bagnonymous re. Filipina/Pacific Island chicks – and I live in a country within the Pacific rim and can regularly check out heaps of both types. Exactly what she is I’m uncertain. Aside from very doable.

2:18 pm April, 25 George said...

fuck i hope the sarcasm in my previous post got through.
if not, we’re gonna need a lot more knives and a lot more cutting.

10:04 pm April, 25 Simon said...

fuck i hope the sarcasm in my previous post got through.
if not, we’re gonna need a lot more knives and a lot more cutting.

4:17 pm April, 26 brother of dousch said...

This is the biggest dousche ever, I can confirm it

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