Friday, April 9, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Some days, the sun is out. Other days, it rains. And some days, Jed The Creepy Wankscrote at the beach hits on Penny the Barely Legal. And God weeps an existential tear.

Your humble narrator apologizes for the late Friday Thoughts and Links, my fellow travelers on the ‘bag mocking and hottie gnawing pathways of life. I was in midair, having just flown to Boston, and thus spent the past five hours marveling at the lack of hott flight attendants these days.

I thought they all looked like Zooey Deschanel in Almost Famous. Guess not.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB’s legendary Vin Douchal composes an ode to 2009 Hall of Hott finalist Francine. “I’d still do you if you were a tranny, give you a reacharound while boning your fanny” for the epic lyric win.

Buy Vin Douchal’s HCwDB Tracks on iTunes and support a dedicated ‘bag hunter.

Kids are now lighting each other on fire with Axe Bodyspray. About time.

Ghetto Preacher He ain’t worried, beyoch!

Jordano hopes for a “carrer” in fashion and modeling.

HCwDB gets cited in the footnotes of a peer reviewed academic journal. Academia must account for the potency of the cultural critique and deconstructions of the signifier offered by Hottie/Douchey dialectics if there is to be any accounting for the culture industry in the transmedial age.

The future Queen of England, Katie Price, wears Ed Hardy while riding. Off with ‘er head!

Piano Chat Improv Guy justifies YouTube. But not Chatroulette. Which is stupid and creepy.

The great Billy Zabka has a cameo in Hot Tub Time Machine. For those into 80s John Cusack comedies, check out my trip to Lane Meyer’s Better Off Dead house, back in the halycon days of the site, 2007.

Ed Hardy teams up with Lindsey Lohan. To spread crotch itch both literal and figurative.

Props to Yep Yep for acknowledging HCwDB’s trailblazing role as the first of its kind.

As does blogger Johnny Utah, who give HCwDB proper credit in the ‘bag mocking timeline.

Mos Def on Yo Gabba Gabba teaches the kids about the positive effects of drugs.

And finally, for all your hard work once again, I give thee not one, but two quality ass pears to carry forth unto Shabbat:

Coquettish Pear. Bashful, with a touch of coy. I would nibble lightly, and with pensive antipathy.

And Off-Off-Broadway Pear. More entertaining than a Neil LaBute play about misogyny’s corrossive effect on the modern male.

Go forth, fellow mockspians. Go forth and ferret out Grieco Virus, in whatever form you find it. For the weekend is atwixt and upon and apear. And it is good.

# posted by douchebag1
3:20 pm April, 9 doucheywallnuts said...

It’s shonde that on shabbos you post such a picture…

3:22 pm April, 9 End the Haberdouchery said...

Cervantes and Jay Louis are now officially on the same plane of existence.

3:28 pm April, 9 Sorta Damocles said...

I have never wished to un-see something more in my life!

3:31 pm April, 9 Mr, Bagoo said...

Thank goodness you finally posted this, I went all day thinking it was Thursday.

I was wondering why so many people were talking about their plans to get smashed this evening. Not that there is anything wrong with Thursday debauchery, but it seemed a little excessive in comparison to the usual banter one hears around the old water cooler.

3:32 pm April, 9 Mr, Bagoo said...

Oh, yeah, and that thing is really creepy, throw it back in the water, tighty whiteys and all …

3:33 pm April, 9 El Caganer said...

Mmmm…asspear.

3:36 pm April, 9 massengill said...

The forecast for that day:

Cloudy with a chance of herpes.

3:37 pm April, 9 massengill said...

On hipster ‘bags:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v82/mintyfresh/hipcat.jpg

3:45 pm April, 9 massengill said...

I was going to read the College Hill Review thing, but then I farted. And I laughed. And I forgot all about it.

3:48 pm April, 9 DarkSock said...

GAHHH!

3:49 pm April, 9 Mr, Bagoo said...

HCWBD is “an illuminating sociological treatise on this [douchebag] phenomenon …”

I had to look up “obstreperous,” I am getting dumber as time marches on.

For other dummies:

Main Entry: ob·strep·er·ous

Pronunciation: əb-ˈstre-p(ə-)rəs, äb-

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin obstreperus, from obstrepere to clamor against, from ob- against + strepere to make a noise

Date: circa 1600

1 : marked by unruly or aggressive noisiness : clamorous

2 : stubbornly resistant to control : unruly

3:58 pm April, 9 Father Guido Sardouchey said...

Steffi’s spring break trip to Cancun was going splendidly until the resort was invaded by the nearby natives of Douchtetoltec tribe. Their tribesmen were seeking a virgin sacrifice for their lizard-god Griecolcemoc. The last time Steffi was seen alive, she had been captured and carried into the palm trees by a half-human, half-lizard warrior sporting distinctive tribal tattoos and the traditional ceremonial headdress.

4:01 pm April, 9 Sorta Damocles said...

The desparate tattoo artist that consented to do the Pistols and Roses has still not recovered from heaving so hard that he sloughed out his entire esophageal tract.

.

I guess he learned nothing from poor, poor “Psycho” Billy, who unfortunately did that thigh piece of Peter Criss longingly looking up at his severely pierced nutsack…

GACK!!!!

4:08 pm April, 9 Bag A said...

Whaaattt!? GAAAAAAHHHHH!

4:10 pm April, 9 Bag A said...

I think a smell, literally, a monthly winner here!

Nice earlobes. Haven’t seen that in awhile. Come to think of it, can’t remember seeing that at all. Is this a new douchebag trend?

4:12 pm April, 9 DarkSock said...

did my preacher just call me a bitch? aw heh’ll gnaw…

4:14 pm April, 9 Sorta Damocles said...

I wish the Scrotometer was working…..I think Ol’ Jed here would fry the buzzer and steam would shoot out of the top.

.

Definitely weekly or monthly material.

Jeezus wept….

4:28 pm April, 9 The Mars Vulva said...

@Medusa Oblongata’s looking pretty good there in the Off-Off Broadway BrickPear! When did she get her hair straightened?

4:33 pm April, 9 clam fist said...

Brick pear looks like a hardcore bitch. Me likey.

4:47 pm April, 9 Chad Kroeger said...

The beach clown is the retarded great-grandson of my uncle George who was made famous as the “Wild Man from Borneo” in the Our Gang serials. Anybody have a link from that?

And the asspear compensates for the runny turd that must be washed off my seat by sundown as it is not kosher. Fuck, it’s dark out.

5:01 pm April, 9 Deltus said...

Off-off-Broadway Pear has the kind of ass that not only would it be some of the most fantastic sex you’ve ever had, she might be able to actually rip your dick off with it (either orifice) and you’d let her.

5:13 pm April, 9 El Caganer said...

What happened to my avatar? Is gravatar gay for avatar? Too many questions, so little booze.

5:26 pm April, 9 Count Douche-a-La said...

Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!

Leave your troubles outside.

So life is disappointing, forget it!

In here life is beautiful.

The girls are beautiful.

Even the orchestra is beautiful.

[The Band plays]

And now presenting the cabaret girls!

Heidi, Christine, Mouzy, Helga, Betty, Undinglen.

Each and everyone a virgin–

You don’t believe me,

Well, do not take my word for it,

Go ahead, ask Helga!

Ha ha ha!

5:56 pm April, 9 Deltus said...

Oh, forgot to mention re: Jed The Creepy Wankscrote – KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

6:19 pm April, 9 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Ric Ocasek’s son, Dick Ocasek, is shown with a groupie of his new band, The Scars. She will, unfortunately, become all too familiar with the literal meaning of that name.

.

.

.

.

And Coquettish Pear for H.O.P., please. Great Googly Moogly, I would gnaw on those rumple cushions like a teething rat on a wood chip.

6:23 pm April, 9 soy bomb said...

Alright! Friday Thoughts and Links! Let me just position my eyeballs to look at the photo that DB1 has posted an-

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Did it just get reeeeaaallllllyyyyy dark for everyone else? Like really dark. Weird. It’s probably for the best then.

6:52 pm April, 9 Anonymous said...

TWO DOLLARS!

7:12 pm April, 9 Douche Dastardly said...

Jed Wankscrote looks a cross between Phil Spector and Seth Green in aboriginal douche form.

7:46 pm April, 9 Johnny Utah said...

I knew something was up when i got back to the computer and my counter showed more than 10 hits for the day. thanks for the link.

keep the fight for gender distinction going!

8:27 pm April, 9 anon and on and on said...

SWEET JESUS WHAT IS THAT THING

8:51 pm April, 9 Lithi said...

Holy shit, the missing link!

9:03 pm April, 9 Maxim Kovalenko said...

There is no Ass-Pear in the world that makes up for seeing that tattooed carnival freak.

That dude is weekly material, so sayeth my nauseated stomach.

9:17 pm April, 9 creature said...

oh great DB1, fix the haiku for sat…. puhleez!

9:20 pm April, 9 creature said...

she is pale, flat & has braces…. he needs to be simply rubbed out!

9:20 pm April, 9 RAPETIME said...

@Vin Douchal: Always nice to meet another Kevin Gilbert fan. They’re pretty rare.

Good work on the tunes.

9:22 pm April, 9 creature said...

so is ass pear courting the site now, boss? if so, I could audition them!

9:57 pm April, 9 Wheezer said...

Oh my, I am in love with Coquettish Pear. I agree with the earlier plug for her Hall of Hott entry…..and I just wanna plug her, too.

And yeah, that thing that’s in the post’s main pic is one that (no, not who) will give Shithouse/Stackhouse a run for the Yearly. Oh yes. That’s fuccen Bat Boy, y’all haterz!

10:03 pm April, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Thanks, Rapey. The Shaming of the True by KG is an epic piece of work and the Toy Matinee cd was a masterpiece .. IMIO ( In My Impeccable Opinion)

@ Creature,..

Check out that link to my MySpace up there and look in my photo section. I’ve been on an Ass Pear run like prunes through grandma lately..

10:04 pm April, 9 Wheezer said...

@Vin –

ANOTHER masterpiece, brah! Kudos!

10:05 pm April, 9 Wheezer said...

@Vin –

ANOTHER masterpiece, brah! Kudos!

(And I love the Ass Pear photo album, too!)

10:08 pm April, 9 Vin Douchal said...

At what point does the tattoo artist/body piercer tell Jed The Creepy Wankscrote , “Hey, enough’s enough, why don’t you find a different hobby?”

    10:30 pm April, 9 DarkSock said...

    @ Vin 10:08

    When the pre-paid VISA his worried Mom gave him for “food
    and stuff” behind his disgusted Teamster Father’s back ran dry during it’s 20th swipe at the Tatt Parlor.

10:47 pm April, 9 Baleen said...

Out of the frame, Grampa is preparing to launch this piece of fetid chum 100 yards out into the surf with his custom nine foot casting rod by hooking his ear on the back swing.

We can dream, right?

Seriously, this has to be one of the most digusting colostomy bags I’ve seen here in awhile. And she could use a Centrum multivitamin herself.

Off Broadway pear can now treat me like an altar boy since that is all the rage these days.

12:04 am April, 10 Steve L. said...

taking up a carrer as a hatter is the best thing i’ve ever done in my life.

why?

because being a hatter is not just a carrer. it’s a way of life.

can you say the same about fashion and modeling?

not if you’re Jordano. NO.

12:05 am April, 10 Steve L. said...

that being said, a carrer as a hatter still does not beat an Asbestos Flaygon.

sad but true.

12:33 am April, 10 Steve L. said...

otherwise, lots of good news this week, it looks like.

good job Vin Douchal. and good job too Coquettish Pear.

12:35 am April, 10 Steve L. said...

and of course by “good news” i’m not referring to anyone with an ACTUAL Ed Hardy tattoo on them.

an ACTUAL Ed Hardy tattoo! now i’ve seen ’em all.

4:39 am April, 10 scrotum pole said...

@ Vin

I’m an MP3 kinda’ guy, and a true romantic. I found “Francine” brought salty fuccen tears to my eyes when the romantic phrase, “I hope you don’t have a cockk between your legs.” was uttered.

Here is the MP3 link for you non iTuners.

6:00 am April, 10 Tony Ventresca said...

I’m guessing he’s a zombie, which means this is a beach somewhere in the Caribbean and the nation must be one that still practices voodoo.

6:24 am April, 10 Turdacious said...

IGGY FLOP?

9:36 am April, 10 Vin Douchal said...

Right on, S Pole.

Do you know how cool it is to see your stuff on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, etc? I went with Tunecore and they posted my stuff at all the major d/l locations.

I feel like a rock star…., no wait ,…. I feel like future President of the USA, Toby Keith.

10:24 am April, 10 clam fist said...

When I google “hot chicks with douchebags” the link to the site is no longer shown. The conspiracy theorist in me thinks it’s backlash for dumping blogger.

10:30 am April, 10 clam fist said...

Or a site update.

10:37 am April, 10 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Barely legal? Barely thirteen is my guess.

Seriously, this might be the creepiest picture yet.

10:41 am April, 10 tall guy said...

Instant HOS. I mean now, before it self-destructs, by which I really mean, if this is an example of what today’s young man about town looks like then kill me now.

1:15 pm April, 10 Whoop-di-douche said...

Soooo bad, Jesus wept, had a seizure, came to, then took off over theSea of Galilee only to sink while running over said water

.Someone found these two wandering around Wal-Mart and then lured them to the beach. Even Satan wouldn’t let them enter hell.

3:24 pm April, 10 creature said...

once again a brilliant composition by Vin Douchal… listened to the “Brah” song for the first time & ‘did you get your tickets to the gun show’ is emblazened in my short term memory (very lonely spot btw)

now how about a Stackhouse ditty… let me get you started, gettin’ swole rhymes with smoking pole!

5:08 pm April, 10 G said...

The wankscrote looks like what Ed Hardy would create as Gollum for LOTR.

9:18 pm April, 10 Mr. Biggs said...

Oofah. And I thought heroin chic looked bad on women. Really, buddy, this isn’t Rwanda. You can get food stamps.

11:21 am April, 11 Doo Schnozzle said...

WTF is that? Just wow. And I thought I needed to eat more.

12:42 pm April, 11 Ginger said...

I see Gilligan finally made it off the island

5:53 pm April, 11 Douchelips said...

Probably the creepiest photo on a Friday links yet. Jed is seriously from another planet and poor Penny is barely even a teenager.

I checked out some of the other sites listed on the Yep Yep list. The dude over at antiduckface.com it TOTALLY ripping you off. Not just the concept, but the writing especially. You should sue for conceptual infringement.

5:55 pm April, 11 The_Postdouchster_General said...

dude looks like a douchey Golem from Lord of the Rings obsessively trying to fondle his precious, Penny.

I hope Penny can make it to the volcano in time!

10:07 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

She’s so white she uses Elmer’s Glue as tanning lotion

10:07 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

She’s so pale if she stands in front of a lamp you can see if she has to poo

10:08 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

She’s so pale you can x-ray her with a flashlight

10:08 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

She’s so pale she’s see-through during her period

10:09 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

After serving time Phil Spector tried to forget the repeated brutal ear lobe rapings with trips to the beach.

10:11 am April, 12 DarkSock said...

Jed was the first unfortunate soul to find out the hidden side effects of extended use of Vulva Cologne.

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