Friday, April 16, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Another solid week of ‘bag taunting and female gender form admiring, props to all for the great and hilarious ‘bag hunter and huntress comments in the threads.

Your ambiguously alcoholic narrator finds himself pedantic and lugubrious on this sunny Angeles Friday. Although I’m not quite sure what pedantic nor lugubrious means. Which might explain only get a 600 verbal on the SATs. Stupid SATs. If Laurie Glatzer hadn’t sat in front of me showing 3/4″ ass crack, I would’ve gotten at least a 620.

I await and away with baited respiration and expectant lasciviousness for a season 3 pickup for my TV show. But wait, I must. For the powers that be consider and consider.

So I muse on what mathematician Fermat once described as “The Holy Boobie Curve Ratio:” The perfect ratio between texture, bounce, firmness and distance to belly button. Or, as Fermat theorized: 3.1415gnaw.

That’s all the math you really need to know to explain how the Egyptians built the pyramids.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB parking lot frolicker and hat tilt extraordinaire, the douchey Bobby Batz is still out there. Still ritalin enhanced. And don’t forget Bobby’s Shoutout to all the Haters out there.

Dolphin Beach Tan has the perfect logo for irony even Alanis Morisette could understand.

Speaking of douchey tanning: Sunblast Mobile Tanning. For when you’re too lazy to even get up off your ass and seek out a choady glow, the douchexperts come to you.

The Tralfamadorians, with their crazy alien language, love HCwDB. At least as far as I can tell.

Bert Blyleven would like another take.

Okay. You’ve been waiting for it. Today we go with abstract expeartionism.

The Peartagon.

What? Not enough?

Okay, have some Cityscape Pear.

Go forth und mock die douchen. So sayeth your narrator in his best German accent.

# posted by douchebag1
2:14 pm April, 16 El Caganer said...

I have to go clockwise around that peartagon. You gots to have rules, yo.

Curtain Pear often gives her fake name, city scape pear to hatterz she finds on the internet.

2:15 pm April, 16 doucheywallnuts said...

I believe “lugubrious” means you like beans.

2:16 pm April, 16 Army of DOuche-ness said...

hahahaha “dj” bobby batz is a freshman in college! look at those cinder block dorm walls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AoD

2:17 pm April, 16 doucheywallnuts said...

Also, that’s one of the reasons Burt “Be Home” Blyleven isn’t in the HOF.

2:21 pm April, 16 clam fist said...

Is that my hero , the Donkster, giving an old fashioned brumski? Damn, he’s smooth.

2:25 pm April, 16 scrotum pole said...

I would slather warmed baby oil all over cityscape pear’s body, even against her will.

At least until the police arrived and hauled me away kicking, screaming, tazed and confused.

2:26 pm April, 16 Army of DOuche-ness said...

also Db1, you covered the 10-degree hat-tilt in the book and site circa 07-08 but it seems that the grieco virus has changed and now the DB trend du jour is the “barely on top of the head” thing…any thoughts?

2:30 pm April, 16 Army of DOuche-ness said...

also, Donkey looks fake tanned to the point where the shadow looks more like Rambo or Dutch from Predator’s war-paint:

http://adventuresofbradandjordan.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/rambo.jpg

http://images.quizfarm.com/11441735301987_predator_012.jpg

2:30 pm April, 16 scrotum pole said...

Blyleven:

“Oh, we’re live, I didn’t know that.”

Funny .

2:35 pm April, 16 mr.reeve said...

I am a Mets fan and maybe this Bobby B-ag wearing a Mets hat is why they suck. God damn a-hole!! Take it off!!!! Might have to change teams or something.

Blyleven is f-ing awesome. And the Pears are ripe and sweet as usual. As always good job DB1.

2:41 pm April, 16 Justin said...

What is that stain on the Donkster’s arm?

2:46 pm April, 16 douchebag1 said...

Whoops, Cityscape Pear is next week. Oh well, enjoy Curtain Pear. I know you will.

.

And yes, that’s the Donk.

– Management

2:57 pm April, 16 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

.

.

.

I Love Peartagon

.

.

.

**clicks off**

2:59 pm April, 16 Crucial Head said...

Thanks boss for keepin’ ‘em comin’.

.

.

With Peartagon, I believe I shall be doing the same, when I retire to the Master Bateroom after a dinner of lamb and several large glasses of Maker’s Mark.

.

.

Cheers!

3:29 pm April, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

The average man is hexed when presented with the Peartagon. Even the couches are arranged in what appears to be a hex-circle.

Must be some sort of Scientology ritual. Ask Xenu, HE knows!

3:35 pm April, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Curtains Pear is a true pear, with the waist of a wasp and the juicy promise of quality ripeness.

3:41 pm April, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Donkster shows but one aspect of his total doucheitude with the tongue-booby swipe. It’s nice to know his is as quality a douche as is the quality ass he speaks of getting. Perhaps he might also be inducted into the AQS Hall of Fame; or Sex, er Six Sigma, or some other systematic way of measuring Total Quality.

3:45 pm April, 16 Vin Douchal said...

You want to know who’s a genius? Donk’s dry cleaner, that’s who. How does he get that shirt so white what with all the grease slathered all over it?

4:25 pm April, 16 Douche Dastardly said...

To Bobby B.

What kind of Gaylord Perry would wear that pink Jersey Shore prom outfit with pink trucker hat to match; unless he truly wanted some Rollie Fingers up his Bobby B. Bunghole. (Sorry about the pitcher innuendo, but Bert Blyleven has got me all nostalgic) He is definitely a catcher the world will remember til….you know what I got to do this F@#%ing thing over because I just f@#%ed it up.

Peartagon is like manna from heaven. I would go around playing the adult version known as F@#k , F@#k Goose. Where after being goosed the selected Pear chases me around the circle with a lasso of red rope licorice.

4:27 pm April, 16 El Queso said...

Isn’t the one in the peartagon with the pawprints on her butt Next Door Nikki(NSFW)?

4:34 pm April, 16 Sorta Damocles said...

Peartagon makes me realize that there is finally a cult I would sell everything and join.

4:54 pm April, 16 mooby dyke said...

so many thongs, so little time

5:07 pm April, 16 fatness said...

Boss…it’s “bated” respiration,unless of course you have a mouth full of worms.

Ah, screw it. Pass the tequila.

And the Curtain Pear.

5:44 pm April, 16 the motley douche said...

The peartagon is all the is good in the universe. Am I the only one that envisions them coming together to form PearTron, the ultimate pear? Anyone else? No? Ok…

Seriously, I firmly believe with a smidgen of ambition and coordination, these women could rule the planet. No, really…

5:55 pm April, 16 the motley douche said...

Oh, and how is it that the mobile tanning company doesn’t serve the douche mecca of Jersey?

5:59 pm April, 16 Deltus said...

@motley douche: I was thinking the same thing! We would be powerless against the awesome pear strength of PearTron.

Also, Bobby B (the B is for ‘Bag, of course)? You are barely coherent and completely unintelligent. I don’t think he expressed one completely expressed thought in either of those videos. I had to prevent myself, through sheer will, from slapping my monitor, I wanted to slap his face so badly. Hatters don’t keep you strong, son, they point out your shortcomings. If you heeded their implied advice, THAT would make you stronger.

7:35 pm April, 16 scrotum pole said...

My parents often locked me up in a tool shed outside of our rural Missouri farmhouse. I would spend hours, even days alone and sobbing.

Late at night Buffalo Beast would enter through a small space between the clapboards and comfort me.

He said nothing, but his presence was enough to calm my nerves. He would sometimes bring with him toasted raisin bread and tomato soup, which I would greedily suck down, the nourishment a welcome relief from the stale air and rodent droppings.

I’m sorry, but I just had to unburden myself.

Please carry on, and forget this ever happened.

7:46 pm April, 16 Braski said...

Nice Vonnegut shout out… and thanks for the commentary and pics in general… especially the pics of the chicks with really nice behinds and boobies. I think it’s safe to say that Vonnegut would approve.

9:03 pm April, 16 Euripidouche said...

@douchedastardy none of those pitchers could handle the line up of rusty kuntz, johnny dickshot, and stubby clapp. we can only hope that rusty kuntz gives blyleven tetanus, hep c, herp, and for a cherry on top, a genital wart.

the funny thing about “waking up and spraying excellence”, when i do it, its a bad thing.

8:03 am April, 17 clam fist said...

What else will the mighty Buffalo Beast endure, until he once again graces the Hall of Mock? I for one, await his return with anticipation

8:23 am April, 17 clam fist said...

Buffalo Beast, upon learning of his removal from the HoM, threw his unused laptop into the recycle bin at Best Buy. Even though he was enraged, he still cares about the f*cking environment.

11:11 am April, 17 Skyler said...

I hate to be against photos of ass-pear, but I think that photoshopped/professional photos shouldn’t be included. Like we try to avoid the paid-to-pose with the douchebags, why shouldn’t we also avoid that in ass-pear? But ass-pear is always better than no ass-pear. Just saying.

11:47 am April, 17 dickhead said...

It’s annoying when some of you fuckers correct peoples speling. who gives a shit?

Bert rules and Curtain Pear will haunt my dreams while I am awake.

11:56 am April, 17 Wheezer said...

“Peartagon”? OK, I will accept that…..all of it. With a side of Curtain Pear, natch.

.

.

I guess I confused it with a Peartagram.

.

.

I wonder what pfah thinks of that? If only his fuccen IT team would unclench their buttcheeks…..

12:17 pm April, 17 Mr. Bagoo said...

The reason to correct spelling is for the very reason you give Mr. head … some people actually do give a s*it that we, as a society, are regressing into a bunch of gibbering, half-wit, narcissistic douchebags.

You have to fight humanity’s slide into idiotville on every level, from ghastly appearance and Axe-smelling to simple grammar and spelling.

Together, we can win.

12:30 pm April, 17 clam fist said...

My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

2:09 pm April, 17 Steve L. said...

i would like to ask Peartagon and Curtain Pear whether they use DB Tanning or Sunblast Mobile Tanning.

that is, if i can remain conscious after excessive ejaculation.

2:48 pm April, 17 Bagnonymous said...

@ dickhead, 11:47am:

I believe you left out the possessive apostrophe in “peoples” and an “L” from “speling.” I’m just sayin’.

.

Yeah, I know… Go fuck myself…

2:50 pm April, 17 Bagnonymous said...

PS. Peartagon might possibly be the coolest thing to have ever graced the hallowed pages of this esteemed website. (But then again, that “preview” button we had on Blogger was pretty cool… No, wait. No.. peartagon. Definitely peartagon.)

5:18 pm April, 17 Mr. Biggs said...

More like “GO BRUINS!” pear. Yeah I’m a UCLA grad.

11:08 pm April, 17 Anonymous said...

I think Bobby B is slightly gay.

8:17 am April, 18 Doucherama said...

Couple of notes on the Donkster…

He’s licking cleavage. I am sure everyone noticed that. But I am not sure that everyone noticed that he’s giving the world the finger. As he is wont to do. Note also the stain on the sleeve of his crisp white shirt. He’s leaking oil.

Hail the Donk. He stands like a Colossus glaring across the ocean at The Gator, his transatlantic douche Nemesis. (Well, neither really notice each other because the ocean offers a great mirror like reflective surface).

11:28 am April, 18 Mr. Biggs said...

Yes, I see the Donk too. And his taintbush.

1:05 pm April, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I ran the Tralfamadorian blurb through iGoogle’s translation and got this: “Wrong small urban are also popular materials. Beautiful girls assholes are in for years in an endless procession passed through Hot Chicks With Shower Bags.” I then rummaged through my library stacks and pull forth my dusty and faded copy of “Stackhouse Five”, and was just half way through when I began uncontrollably weeping salty fukken tears as I realized the Tralfamadorian’s had ultimately inspired Dickhead’s demands that we toss proper grammar, diction, and spelling onto the ashheap of history.

I wep 4 r chldrn.

1:08 pm April, 18 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@ @

: ^^ :

: :

8:11 pm April, 18 Bag That Ass Up said...

Dolphin Beach Tans is in Columbus, Ohio. Coz that’s what Ohio’s known for: dolphins, beaches and rock and roll.

12:40 pm April, 19 Düsseldouche said...

you bet i´m gonna mock die douchen, das kannst du dir begucken, db1

9:27 pm April, 19 Michelle said...

I think Bobby B is slightly gay.

10:40 pm April, 21 QuakerOats said...

That SunBlast site is hilariously bad. I can get “‘SunBlasted’ where the real sun don’t shine.” Sign me up.

“We Wake Up and Spray Excellence”? Seriously? You need to hire a less-than-mature person to proofread your website. Or something.

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