Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Another excellent week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, as we settle into the new site layout. Gold tatt stars to all.

Fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, it is 2010. The mock is moving into global influence. Your important work is beginning to turn the tide.

If you haven’t already, you can create a profile on the site by signing up here.

Also, you can follow your humble narrator on Twitter. And join the Hot Chicks with Douchebags Facebook page, which I didn’t actually create and aren’t sure who’s running it, but hell, it seems like it’s one of the regs so I’m supporting it.

Me? I gots me a bottle of the quality Mogan David stuff. A DVD of vintage Peter Davison Doctor Who featuring Who’s hottest companion of all time, Nicola Bryant as Peri (mmmm… more Who era Nicola Bryant, and more)

The ‘bags are safely mocked into a state of collective emasculation. The hotts are objectified in reductive and Pavlovian ways. The chaos of life has been classified, quantified and processed nicely via the simulacrum for the week, giving us the illusion of order in a bleak and existential universe.

Here’s your links:

There are many types of douchebag. But there is only one iconic template for Jerzey Guid. (warning: HCwDB cannot be responsible for eye gouging after viewing that pic)

Hey Chive writers, I appreciate all the “inspiration” you keep drawing from my site, but could you at least toss a brotha a link when using my site’s name in your headline?

Truth in Advertising.

Friend of HCwDB, the sexy Suzie McCoppin is gettin’ her blog on by asking why DJs get so much ass?

HCwDB legend and Closet of Poo enshrinee, Cheeto Man finds Love with Celery Woman. (warning: Pic is worse than the Orange Jerz Guid, HCwDB takes no responsibility for viewing this pic)

In politics, Goldman Sachs to utilize ‘Douchebag Defense’.

Retro Hipsterbag Origins: Gary Gnu from “The Great Space Coaster”

Eagle-Eyed reader Alex tags a “Bags Jag.” Which is redundant.

When white boys douche it up to rap in their dorm rooms for the camera, we’ll be there. To laugh at his pasty ass.

Douche Glue. For when Crazy Glue doesn’t get the hair pointy enough.

Now that’s some effen vodka!

Okay, enough of the other links. I know what you want. And for all your hard work, you’ve earned not one, but two pears for this evening’s festivities.

First, I give you Step Pear. Whose perfect ratio of curve defines 3.1415.

And secondly, I give you the oily pat bottom perfection of:

Sun Pear.

Go forth, friends. Go forth and bongo.

# posted by douchebag1
1:21 pm April, 30 Justin said...

I love Tahiticora.

1:30 pm April, 30 smackdouche said...

SunPear makes me feel funny on the inside.

1:38 pm April, 30 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

No Gnews is good Gnews.

1:47 pm April, 30 Bagnonymous said...

I never noticed before, but Ron Burgundy kind of stole Gary Gnu’s look. Am I right?

.

Oh, and something tells me we’ll be seeing SunPear in the HoP by the year’s end. That’s not a nomination.. more like a prediction.

1:51 pm April, 30 creature said...

step pear looks like my missing hat

1:57 pm April, 30 Chad Kroeger said...

I don’t have anything clever to say but this fag will win the weekly. Douche and nota gay. But I will be back after the BBQ is over with a rambling comment.

2:01 pm April, 30 Hotspur said...

Louise Jameson as Leela of Tom Backer Dr Who was hotter IMO

But Billie Piper is still the best although Karen Gillian as the Amy Pond the latest companion does have that whole red head thing going for her

2:32 pm April, 30 Chad Kroeger said...

Booby Jindal and Obama just crawled out of my ass and I still have tar sands.

2:52 pm April, 30 Soy Bomb said...

Ahhh…Sun Pear. To quote my onetime Czech girlfriend with the spotty English; “I am horny at you.”

2:59 pm April, 30 G said...

Nice blonde hott…I just emasculated all over the place…

3:16 pm April, 30 DarkSock said...

I’d like to nominate the Board of Directors for BP as millennial douchebags…for fucks sake we just got the gulf coast fixed back up….250,000 gallons of crude a DAY? ahhhh FUCK YOU.

3:16 pm April, 30 DarkSock said...

Thanks to BP, anyone that goes swimming in the gulf next week will look like my fuccen avatar. Nice.

3:27 pm April, 30 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Though on Who, Ms. Nicola Bryant’s no Who-bag.

3:31 pm April, 30 tall guy said...

Bloody hell that sun pear is a sight to behold! And what I mean by behold is i wish she would hold either those magnificent arse cheeks or those fascinating jugs against me for an extended period of time. starting now. go!

3:37 pm April, 30 massengill said...

First of all, Orange Jerzius should have called the Geek Squad to install his TV cause the cables crawling along the wall looks like shit. Seriously, if you’re going to mount your fuccen flat-panel on the wall, don’t do it like a redneck. Motherfucker’s eyebrows are waxed and plucked and he’s got cables looking like shit.

The German dancer has the same kind of haircut as many Australian teen boys. That guy is a toolbox.

@ DarkSock

Oh, you mean the plan to light it all on fire didn’t work? I guess that makes me a monkey’s uncle. I thought it was a brilliant idea. Maybe BP will step it up and drop some puke dust on it from the air. Who are we kidding, they probably won’t pay for half of the cleanup. Spill, baby, spill.

3:38 pm April, 30 Baleen said...

Wasn’t Gary Gnu Plinky’s avatar? I could be wrong.

.

Damn you DB1! Between the Jerz Guid and Cheeto Man, you almost pushed my fragile existance to the edge of oblivion, bleak nothingness, suicide by dog leash from the rafters of my garage after I put the clothes in the dryer for the old lady, of course.

.

Effin Vodka is distilled five times. Does that really make a difference? How many fuccen blades does your razor need?

.

NLJB (no longer jailbait) should be introduced to the lexicon of this site to categorize hotts of the college freshman variety and shit.

.

And Sun Pear, I built a “sand castle” in my pants for you.

.

Happy weekend folks and may you not get burned by a scorching cast iron skillet while Ambien Cooking at three in the morning.

3:44 pm April, 30 Baleen said...

^ existence

.

I need a spell checker cuz I’m a tard.

4:47 pm April, 30 Anonymous said...

I guess cleaning up the oil spill is what Obammy was talking about when he promised millions of “green” jobs.

4:49 pm April, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Step Pear is actually Italian former model Mara Carfagna. She did a Maxim spread, and was a former Miss Italy contestant. She has since entered a career in politics as the Minister for Equal Opportunity in the fourth cabinet of Silvio Berlusconi.

.

You’re welcome.

5:04 pm April, 30 Mr. Biggs said...

Unfortunately I have to disagree with Suzy. Her complaints are the same pining that all the DJ’s ultra-hot girlfriends do. Where do they think is the source of that sense of ultra-entitlement? There’s a reason why we think that so long as this HCwDB dynamic lasts, our race continues to flush itself down the toilet.

6:45 pm April, 30 Army of Douche-ness said...

that NLJB pic frightens and excites me but i do feel like unless I were myself willing to douche it up more or became some celebrity of sort (which arguably is the same thing) then they’re NLJB status really isnt intended for me as I am not cool enough/am not the guy with the “right stuff” or a dream guy type and women seem to like to passively remind me of that frequently.

…and this pic reminds me of something from way back when deep inside of me that I haven’t thought about for years and years, long before HCwDB the site existed…back when i was a squirrly younger punkish kid i literally used to say that TRYING in any way whatsoever to impress a girl was in itself the equivalent to just lying to get ahead and thus invalid*…that to have one’s affection but obtained by deception really doesn’t mean that it’s actually YOU she liked and really can’t truthfully make you feel good because you also know it’s false. With that in mind, my need or even demand for authenticity in this world of fakeness that i really think comes from my dad’s poor immigrant up-bringing made me kinda un-compromising on the attempting to impress. if a girl liked me, it had to be based on genuinely from the gut personal choices that naturally appealed to her . this virtue lasted from 12 when occurred my douche phase II foray/ years of 2004-2007 where i had to grab the brass ring and then realized that brass sucks and i want fucking platinum or uranium (to threaten and intimidate of course).

also did anyone notice that men in Sweden just seem to look weird naturally just like…weird?

Per the ass-pears…thank god Redtube is a right-click away.

* or as Ayn Rand said “neither love nor fame nor money is of value if obtained by fraud.”

6:46 pm April, 30 Army of Douche-ness said...

correction- this virtue lasted from 12-21 when occurred my phase II douch-bag foray, etc.

6:49 pm April, 30 Douche Springsteen said...

sweet, sweet ass pear. And hey, is that Bob Pollard in the Step Pear pic?

7:15 pm April, 30 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ah, Miz McCoppin, I long to be McCoppin’ a feel on you, you sassy lassy, you. And keep them glasses on.

.

Sweden is like France in that all the men are goofy looking and all the women are ultra-hott.

.

@ Dorm Room Wiggerbag–Yes, that’s right. Keep pulling that shirt up, I’m eyeing my target. I’m going to lay eggs in your chest cavity and then wait around for the larvae to hatch and feed on your corpse.

.

From what I understand, “Effen” is the Dutch word for “smooth”. Which makes it not funny anymore.

.

You are my Sun Pear,

My only Sun Pear

You make my undies

so slickie wet

You’ll never know, Dear,

how hard I lust you

you’re the best

Ass Pear I’ve seen yet

8:20 pm April, 30 Mr. Bagoo said...

Sun Pear might just be the best ever.

Other than that simplistic, yet very accurate, statement, I am at a complete loss for words.

*DROOL*

8:40 pm April, 30 Dave said...

can we get more photos of sunpear please?

9:46 pm April, 30 Wheezer said...

Wow…..Nicola, Ms. McCoppin, the Ass Pears, and photo #12 from the Cheatin’ Chive.

Between that sensory overload of hott, my balls are completely drained.

6:41 am May, 1 The One and Onkly Chad with the Big Head said...

The guy in the main picture is a fucking grade A bag. Ass pear is nice. Dark Sock is correct about BP and Obama. I was thinking of going next winter after the legal issues are over but am now doubtful if the crude will be off the etouffe by then. I am starting to feel sorry for the people who stayed in La.

6:46 am May, 1 The One and Onkly Chad with the Big Head said...

And sun pear could be licked, analized etc. while not upsetting the cheap bottle of frosty Boone’s apple resting on her back. And I wouldn’t disturb her reading because I am solid like that.

6:52 am May, 1 Chad Kroeger said...

Missed the effen vodka. Shit so so pure you’d be better of doing Purel shooters. A liitle bit street but it works.

6:53 am May, 1 mr.reeve said...

Sun Pear is all I gotta say this morning. Thank you for getting me UP and ready this morning DB1.

9:29 am May, 1 Douchble Helix said...

Yep. Sun Pear. Perfect?

10:21 am May, 1 mr.reeve said...

If not pretty damn close.

11:24 am May, 1 Chad Kroeger said...

@Medusa

Not much chest for layin your dirty eggs. I think my arn is bigger than his head and I just lost 50 pounds. Not for vanity, just diabeetuss.

12:24 pm May, 1 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Sun Pear’s turned my Laptop into a Hither-and-Thither-Top (’cause of my loins’ stirrings).

2:26 pm May, 1 Steve L. said...

when asked about her relationship prospects, celery woman will tell you “i can get any guy i want because my IQ is higher than anyone in the past or future 500 years”.

or something.

2:31 pm May, 1 Steve L. said...

you’ll never be jailbait if you can accelerate aging by 100 years. side effects are for pussies.

2:35 pm May, 1 Steve L. said...

you’re not a banker if you don’t squander other people’s money.

and you’re not a consumer if you’re not hooked on Scotiabank’s no-down-payment 100% mortgage plan. hey, you’re richer than you think.

2:54 pm May, 1 Steve L. said...

if i (am) ever (able to) barge into the Playboy Mansion with a feedback-afflicted loudspeaker and yell disparaging things about the glamor industry in general until i’m thrown out unceremoniously, i will remember to append “OH YEAH EXCEPT MISS SUZIE!” in my indecipherable feedback-afflicted rants.

okay i know that was too meanspirited. i’m sorry. Suzie is a fun lady.

2:55 pm May, 1 Steve L. said...

and fuck DJs too.

2:57 pm May, 1 Steve L. said...

also, i just about buried my face in my monitor trying to get a glimpse of Step Pear between her thighs.

like you need to know that.

12:12 am May, 2 Hermanos Rodriguez said...

On the “asking why DJs get so much ass?” post, I simply have to say this is a myth. DJs get no more ass than anyone else at a party with no standards. That’s it. I can say this comfortably as a DJ for 16 years that has been booked internationally and got record pressings through it. Yes, you do get the initial ice breaker of being a center of attention, but it doesn’t increase your odds of any hook up. Often, it’s a great way of making sure the most shallow people will be the one’s taking up your time. DJs attract people who are desperate, though you will likely never hear many admit that. It’s all about attention, which shouldn’t make it a shocker that a douchebag DJ may appear to have lots of girls hanging off their sleeve, as they simply have no standards. Generally, I’m not going to go home with someone I met at a party I was booked at. It’s a recipe for boredom and all of the BS you’ll deal with through people that have an overwhelming need for attention.

5:48 am May, 2 Tony Ventresca said...

Sun Pear’s file name is “SunPear1” which suggests more than one photo exists – post more please! She also reminds me of that hott of all hotts that was a nice brown colour sitting on a beach blanket with one of those skinny Jersey douches of the Joey Porsche ilk. Anyone else get that sense?

12:36 pm May, 2 Business-Casual Douche said...

Why the Effen Vodka link?

10:08 am May, 3 Deltus said...

Normally, I enjoy the Pear on Fridays. But I got my fix on Monday afternoon (busy weekend).

Know what? Still just as good!

Leave a Reply

What is 7 + 14 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)