Monday, April 19, 2010

HCwDB of the Month

Our first Monthly in the new redesign. Bring it. Lets do this. Four couples of hott/crudst. Only one may make the Yearly.

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Here’s your Monthly finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

We may not always enjoy the HCwDB couples we must witness.

This is one of those times.

Jed is pure creepy. And wank. And scrote.

Penny is barely legal, sweet and innocent.

Jed is the reason poets kill themselves.

Together, we find the toxicity of a Weekly HCwDB combination. The hint of a backstory that involves child brides in Bangledesh, robot wars in northern Sumeria, and a tatted up bounty hunter who definitely cannot make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsnips.

Yup.

It’s Monday morning. Your humble narrator is babbling like Hollywood babble on.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Joey Lipps and Tina

Classic Jerzwhack in presence of boobie suckle thigh are Joey L and Tina from Kappa Kappa Woo.

We celebrate this pic for its lips douchery.

It’s boobie curvery.

And it’s pink balloonery.

And lets not forget Nipple Rubbing Party Guy in the background. That touch of surreal WTF always elevates an HCwDB pic.

But does Joey and Tiny bring enough taint to win the Monthly? Is Joey yearly douche? Does Tina’s potential douchebaguettery detract from true toxicity?

The voters will need to parse the distinctions and flush the crapturdtions.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Meaty McMeaterson, aka Antonio and Vanessa

This was the Weekly in which there wasn’t a vote because your humble narrator was snagged in technical snafoolery.

That being said, Meaty McMeaterson, aka Antonio, and Vanessa, are worthy classic Jerz Pudwankery and curvy boob grabbery. They represent all that this site was formed to mock, and well earn their place here in the Monthly.

Vanessa is curvy gum snapping Long Island Iced Tea yes please. She’s wrong, but it’s okay. Because taut, taut thighs, and a societal double standard.

Boardwalks are to poo mugging as potato chips are to guys named Brian.

Inseparable.

And if you think the DB1 is making no sense in the text portion of this Monthly, you’d be right. I blame a late night involving a rowboat, my sax, and Bach.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda

Our fourth coupling is a nice counterpoint to our Freakbag and Jerz Poo finalists. Here we find classic skeezy hipster crud macking on a delightful “I’d graze on her clavicle” gnaw boobie.

The dress-up douche is a newer and troubling element of choadal strategy. It aligns itself closer, but not exactly, with Hipsterbags, as the counterpoint to classic Jerz fistpumping wankfoolery.

I may have already mentioned my extensive infant-like gnawing and suckling on Brenda’s clavicle area.

If so, I apologize. I’ll only be another minute of gnaw.

Then I will retire to the boudoir where I will repose with a glass of sherry and a book on Tantric yogurt.

Yup. Definitely making no sense. That’s why I need your help.

Which coupling deserves its place in the Monthly, joining Stackhouse and Grillzilla in the Yearly?

Don’t just sit there. Vote something.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:19 am April, 19 Scott said...

I’m going with Joey Lipps and Tina.

Tina is the hottest of the hotts, and Joey needs his kissylips punched back into his trachea. I think that’s the most important qualification for the monthly, right?

Also, I think I’ve decided that Jed is really just a fake skin covering a colony of hyperintelligent evil spiders.

7:21 am April, 19 Istandouche said...

Now that Jed’s made it this far, he deserves to be among the candidates for the Yearly.

7:23 am April, 19 Claude Douchenburg said...

Ya know as much as I want to vote for Jed and Penny, then there is Venessa who I would like to vote for in hopes of winning her favor, Iam going to have to cast my vote for the true winners here or the winningest losers or whatever I am going to have to through up my arm hi and tight waving my hand and vote for Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda. Jed adorns his body for his own self gratification. If a hot falls for it then more power to him. But Freddie is working it, not for his own pleasure but working it to get the hots. Even if he doesnt like to. He is making great sacrifices with his hair, guyliner and chin pubes. Endures the pain of tat needles and the hours and hours of shopping he has to do to put it all together. And look what he gets for all that work. Brenda, omg Brenda if only she were mine. Note, the person in the background. Could someone clarify for me if that is a not-hot or a douche dude dressing as a not-hot. My fears are it’s the latter.

7:25 am April, 19 bigphatnotadouche said...

Antonio and Vanessa for the monthly

All I can say is Boobies and bra reveal is good.

7:25 am April, 19 Justin said...

Freddy and Brenda for the win. He makes my blood pressure skyrocket. His style is so cheesy and contrived, with the guyliner and the hair…..ugh. I would so love to punch him.

Brenda is near perfection.

7:34 am April, 19 Anonymous said...

I often wonder what these douches will be like when they’re fifty.

With most of them, the image my mind pictures is Joey Bottafuoco.

The only image I can conjure up in regards to Jed, is a used condom, lying broken and sticky in a Seven-Eleven parking lot.

7:36 am April, 19 creature said...

Jed is the ass you can never wipe properly… he just stays gooey with poo & continues to eat your drawers

7:39 am April, 19 DarkSock said...

Everyone, before we go any further here please do me a favor.

I want you to close your eyes. Now, sitting there, somehow still reading this post, imagine Mutant Jed mounted on Pretty Penny: heaving his Auschwitz corporeality back and forth, his eyes screwed into crusty slits of lust, his jaw slack and open with fetid breath wheezing past tiny candy corn yellow teeth with cherry black roots back and forth into his meth-scorched lungs, and I want you to zero in on one thing: Those nasty earlobes keeping time with his frenzied humpings, emitting very quiet slapping sounds, like someone gently flogging a dead toad with a severed clitoris.

Now open your eyes and imagine voting for anyone BUT Jed today.

Yeah. That’s what I thought. Do your doodie, ladies and gentlemen.

Jed FTMC (For The Manditory Castration).

7:39 am April, 19 uscrascal said...

freaky freddy and big boobs brenda, ftw!!! any guy that wears makeup and colors their mohawk is auto-bag, grade A douchetastic.

7:43 am April, 19 Just Sayin said...

Tina. I think there’s someone with her in the picture.

7:46 am April, 19 Douchelips said...

I would vote for Tina’s boobs and Joey’s kissy lips if I could, but sadly Joey is only run-of-the-mill Jersey pudwackery.

.

Jed and Penny however, take it to the next level. He is the creepiest thing I have ever seen on this site. The tats, the ‘Lord of the Rings’ Gollum-esq style, and WTF…are those earrings on him or are his earlobes really stretched out that far!?

.

Penny is purity in braces…is she 14? Is she 19? It’s hard to tell, but the pierced bellybutton says…oh yes, I’m legal. And seeing as how she’s being mugged by the creepiest thing to ever crawl out of the swamp, she gets my vote.

.

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny FTW!!

7:48 am April, 19 Fatness said...

Welll…Jed is harmless if toxic and Penny seems to be enjoying herself. At least until Dad sees her. Then there will be talk of a trust fund manager and cutting her weekly allowance.

.

Joey is a prototypical fratbag with dried manjuice in his hair. Tina may not even be legal. Both of them are stage 1. DQ.

.

Vanessa could make me run away with her, and later alternate between blissful remembrances of the 15 seconds we had together and night sweat horror over the pending test results. Antonio is too normal for his environment to even be noticed.

.

Brenda could make me go to church. Freddie could make me commit a deadly sin. Actually, so could Brenda. Ah, to wake up in Hell having known the joy of Brenda’s supple, firm, silky bosom as well as the little sound a blade makes when penetrating a stage-3 ‘bag.

Brenda and Freddie for the monthly.

7:49 am April, 19 Dave said...

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny FTW

7:50 am April, 19 The Donger said...

I have returned…kinda like General MacArthur, without the troops or cameras.

Bring out the Gimp for the win…Brenda is 31 flavors of perfection while Freddy looks like he is the newest character in Dragonball Douche Z.

Glad to be back and the site looks great.

7:52 am April, 19 Doucheasaurus Rex said...

On one hand Vanessa=boobs. Which is awesome. But Jed TCWS… If this was the 11PM edition of Douchecenter, we would be saying about Jed, “You cant stop him, you can only hope to contain him and his myriad of STDs.

Jed TCWS FTW.

7:54 am April, 19 Douchble Helix said...

Tina and her gazoobies.

Plus, extra credit points for a celebrity in the photo!

http://www.mtv.com/movies/photos/y/you_me_dupree_premiere_071006/e.jpg

7:59 am April, 19 MoeDouche said...

Freddie Von Gimp WTF! Just ’cause of Brenda’s succulent boobies.

8:11 am April, 19 Scotediddilyumptious said...

It waaantssss ussss to vote for hiisss ppescioussss! Jed and Penny FTW!

8:17 am April, 19 Condouchious say... said...

the mere sight of jed fills me with the desire to douse my eyes with sulfuric acid and produces a physical response similar the one i’d have if i smelt a used diaper filled with indian food and burnt hair. if he wins, we see his picture again and that’s not necessary b/c to quote the nicholas cage film 8 mm, there are things that you cannot unsee.

i vote freddie and brenda…all the other bags are equally fungo-bat-to-the-groin-worthy, but her being the hottest serves as the tiebreaker.

8:18 am April, 19 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

The coupling of Jed and Penny is toxic nuclear waste for ocular cavities. Excuse me while I go Oedipus on myself.

8:26 am April, 19 kneejerk said...

This isn’t even a contest.

Jed. For anything he can possibly be nominated for.

Like creating NIGHTMARES DURING THE DAY

8:30 am April, 19 RAPETIME said...

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny.

Jed is what I always dreamed the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine” would look like. I’ll bet he can absorb human blood through his fingertips.

Penny could pass as one of the Eloi that would comprise his dinner, if we were casting the made-for-TV version of Wells’ novel and didn’t want to spend a lot of money.

8:33 am April, 19 Sorta Damocles said...

My haze and uncertainty cleared up the instant I read Darksock’s post and spewed coffee out of my nose. Thank Bejeebus it was Kona.

.

Darksock FTW & Jed for Garden mulch.

8:39 am April, 19 Douchesquire said...

Meaty and Vanessa, for classic Jerz Guido douchebaggery and toxic suckle thigh

8:40 am April, 19 Architeuthis Dux said...

Jed. Having to see him again means that I have to change my lesson plan to tell my students, “If you ever look like this, I will take you down like the herpefied zombie you would be.”

8:45 am April, 19 justadouchalo said...

Joey Lipps and Tina for the monthly. Tina is all 1987 Lost Boys era bustier wearing Jamie Gertz and Joey’s lips got puckered by the vacuum caused when whatever large object lodged in his ass was yanked out.

8:54 am April, 19 Scooby Douche said...

I am mystified that anyone can support Jed for the Monthly. Have you not read the douche-spotting manual? If not, but a copy immedaitely and study carefully. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/141695788X?ie=UTF8&tag=hotchicwithdo-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=14169588X. The Monthly is the test on how well you have absorbed the material. Jed is not a douche, just a loser with an ugly girlfriend. He lacks the sings of the scrote.

Meaty is early douche, but c’mon, no silly tats, no wrist mandana, no Ed Hardy shirt, no giant watch? Gotta step up your game to earn a coveted Monthly. Vanessa gives grade DD support here, but not enough to carry her man across the finish.

Joey’s trying, puttin on full kissy lips and silly beads. Sideways peace sign scores points. But then his game just falls off. He even has a normal haircut. He he was a baseball player, he’d still be in single-A ball. Tina’s not tiny when it comes to the special boobs, but like Vanessa, not quite enough to earn her man a Monthly.

Finally we come to Brenda. Again and again and again we come to Brenda. I have built a shrine to Brenda in a corner of my house, replete with flowers and crude Crayola drawings, where I burn incense and candles and sacrifice small woodland animals in homage to her perfect breasts and dazzling smile. Oh Brenda, only you make life worth living any more. I would burn my entire collection of Elvis vinyls just to sit on the park bench you once walked passed. Contrasted with Brenda’s perfection is the pus-filled, greasy-haired, moral cesspool that is Von Gimp. That he is even in the same zip code as Brenda is a crime against humanity. Can we nominate him for clinical trials of all future experimental medications?

Brenda FTW. Von Gimp for an industrial trash compactor.

8:55 am April, 19 jonezy said...

I understood every word, DB1.

So much Douche and Bleethe in the same frame- mental tacticity going haywire.

I’d love to vote for McMeaty, for his lady is delicious- but his smile, that loses points. Creepy Jed is much too frightening. And Freddie is just King Douchious the IV’s younger cousin, the Duke of Yurgle.

So it is Joey Lipps. Why?

Boobs. Wonderful, motorboatable Mammarellograms.

8:59 am April, 19 scrotum pole said...

If you’ve ever wondered WWJCWD? (What Would Jed the Creepy Wankscrote Do?)

Judging from his photo, the answer is:

Become addicted to meth, tatoo his entire body with garish, meaningless images, yank his earlobes into a disfigured, unatural mess, and worst of all, display this pale, pasty tribute to stupidity by wearing tighty whities at a public beach.

9:05 am April, 19 ehcuodouche said...

This is mainly to see if my avatar shows up after the long complicated sign up process.

I vote Freddy. He should get fingered. By a train.

9:05 am April, 19 Baleen said...

While Freddy has the classic stylings of douche that this site was founded on, we as hatters must not forsake the continually morphing modern moldy mutations that represent the future of scrotewank. Enter Jed. Chum bucket for the ages, chafey gravy, and overall septic discharge from nether orifices. Juxtapose that with Penny who is all baby fat, braces, and ignorant innocence. Unbleethed, we see her just before the Fall- the nexus of mock.

.

As much as I’d like to forget the image of Jed, I predict he’ll have a stab st the yearly. Jed ftw.

9:06 am April, 19 Baleen said...

“at”

9:12 am April, 19 End the Haberdouchery said...

Joey Lipps and Tina FTW. Because I still haven’t been able to look away from those beautifully pressed together breasts.

9:19 am April, 19 dbBen said...

Freddie Von Gimp

I do this because out of all the Hotts, Brenda was voted most likely to pull her hair back and say, “Let’s get this figured out” and find an additional $630 on my tax return.

But instead she met Freddie at Ra because they were having a “Pure Silk” party.

9:42 am April, 19 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Jed and Penny FTW. Jed is 79 lbs of pure unfiltered poo.

9:44 am April, 19 Evil_Redheaded_Stepchild said...

For matching his lip gloss to his faux pocket square–a move surely heralding the future of douchery–I nominate Freddie. As for Brenda, she obviously needs to cuddle with me on my couch in the dark for a film retrospective of David DeCoteau movies, so as to fully inform her hitherto dubious system of standards. And so I can fondle her naughty bits.

9:49 am April, 19 Douches Wild said...

A wonderfully variegated field for the monthly crown here, diverse, eclectic, and redolent of youthful clueless groping for identity and respect via nitwit posturing. Jed remains a top contender, an elfin tool in the clutches of desires he only dimly understands, but his douchette needs to complete the rigorous passages of puberty before she can be part of a winning team. The only other viable contenders in my smut-addled mind are Joey and Tina. Joey embodies the delusional state of a mega-bag, the blissful state in which you are incapable of considering your own ridiculousness. Tina is a high priestess of the Ethereal Realm of Bazongas, and thus a cosmic law unto herself and all her acolytes groveling in awe and supplicant homage.

9:49 am April, 19 Douche Dastardly said...

It was a difficult decision between Jed and Freddy.

Freddy has all the makings of Stage 3 douche-baggery but Jed is the kind of hunger strike tatted douche monster that is so grotesque that you feel he is not part of the douche lexicon. He is a sort of on the fringe scrote.

.

But what if this is just the first findings of a new variety of douche?

.

Then fellow baghunters we must adapt, For as the douche evolves so must we. So be on the look out for this new brand; this ghost white even in the sun, methadone addicted diaper wearing Russel Brand listening pile of poo. For it seems to claim Hots before they have reached full delicious maturity stage.

.

But let us hope that day never comes and that Jed is merely a stillborn that got away.

Jed for the monthly

10:10 am April, 19 Tony Ventresca said...

I vote for #3 because she’s taller than him and because the location reeks of douchebag sweat, douchebag litter, and discarded douchebag used condoms in a way that no nightclub could ever equal.

10:19 am April, 19 Flounder said...

Lets go with Jed and Penny for the win, Alex.

Mainly cause Jed freaks me out. With his skinniness, gaping holes in his earlobes and freakish tattoos. But lets not forget he is a kind soul cause he wears his heart outside his chest for the world to see all the while his crotch is being blown away by the laser gun on his pelvis as the face on his thigh watches in horror hoping beyond hope that it is next to get the laser removal treatment when the crotch is done.

Then there is sweet Penny. I don’t care if she is underage and can pick the CIA cafeteria’s lunch announcements form the grill work in her mouth. Just looking at her makes me want to whisk her away and reenact my favorite scene for Lolita. Me just sitting there in the rocking chair as she sits in my lap reading the funnies as she slowly rocks us back and forth. At first you may wonder what is going on but as you close in on her face contorts slightly and she bits her lower lip, then you know what going on and even though it is illegal you know it’s right.

10:20 am April, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Jed is the fucker that I get stuck sitting next to on a cross country flight that makes me breath into my shirt the entire time then get a tetanus shot, my gums scraped , a dip in the Atlantic Ocean even in the dead of the Massachusetts winter and mom’s chicken soup as soon as I land.

He’s not only a giant douchebag, he’s a troll doll -like freak after it has been attacked by every color in the Sharpie box . He does not appear healthy by any form of measument

Penny is not hot.

However let’s give Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

the win so that maybe Darksock can continue his theatre of the absurd musings

Please place Brenda in the Hall of Hott

10:25 am April, 19 Deltus said...

Time for some HCwDB math to decide. Jed gets a 10 in doucheiness, but Penny just a 5, total 15. Joey is just a 6 as a choad relative to the others, Tina an 8 (without those gorgeous mamms, she’s be a 7), total 14. Meaty is an 8, bordering 9 but not quite, and Vanessa is a 9 (I’d give her a 10 but she’d need to look a little less like she’s used to lots of dick for that), total 17.

That brings us to Freddie, who gets a 9 for dress-up scrotewankery. Too many douche markers thrown together that have devastatingly horrid effect. And Brenda is a pure 10 hott. Utterly flawless, and my penis will attest to that. Total for this toxic combo of douche and hott: 19. And we have a winner (loser).

Freddie and Brenda FTW(L).

10:27 am April, 19 Deltus said...

@Darksock: that description was vivid. I shall now have that scene in my mind for the rest of my days. And I thought the image of Jed was bad enough.

10:31 am April, 19 boatbutter said...

Jed. Even the nightmares of the late, great E. Gary Gygax aren’t as disturbing.

10:34 am April, 19 Troy Tempest said...

It’s actually a contest between Jed and Freddie. My computer is still hosed, so I have to be brief. Jed is Happy With What He Has To Be Happy With. He’s tatted up – fine. No biggie. Lots of people are tatted up. He has hoop ears. Fine – lots of people have hoop ears. Most of them live in Indonesia, but that’s another issue. And he’s hung like a minature schnauzer in his tighty whities. But: he’s got barely legal Penny, and he doesn’t mind being a doofus. Fine. He’ll work as a barback at some watering hole for the rest of his days. You will depend on his glass cleaning services someday. He is a nonentity, and has no expectations beyond being his own little stupid self.

But Freddy – Freddy is a whole ‘nother case of poo. Freddy knows he’s a douche. Freddy works hard at being an asshole. Jed will always get dumped by the girls – they will tire of his pale emaciated wankery. But Freddy – Freddy does the dumping. Freddy charms the hottest pussy, crushes it, and dumps it for next week’s flavour.

I’m sure that someday Jed will find an equally retarded partner in crime – who knows – maybe Penny will get all tatted up and hoop eared. It could happen. then you’d have a happy couple.

But all Freddy does is leave behind a swath of destruction and anger.

In the immortal Roxy Music song:

Casanova – is that you’re name?

Or do you live there?

Freddy lives there. Freddy is all poo all the time forever. Freddy FTW.

That took me 35 minutes to write.

Blarg.

10:51 am April, 19 scrotum pole said...

To the tune of:

Puff the Magic Dragon

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote, lived by the sea,

From bad tatoos and drug abuse, got Hepatitis C.

Pasty Penny Purebred loved that creepy scrote,

They’d spend the day down at the beach,

Then go home and fuck like goats.

Penny’s father came home, and caught them in the act,

He did what any dad would do, and shot him in the back.

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote, lived by the sea,

From bad tatoos and drug abuse, got hepatitis C.

Penny came up pregnant, and since the scrote was dead,

Penny’s dad took out his gun, and shot himself instead.

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote, lived by the sea,

And since he’s gone, that bastard child will be his legacy!

11:04 am April, 19 RAPETIME said...

@scrotum pole

fucking genius, that was.

11:11 am April, 19 melvil duchi said...

While Tina is bodicelicious, but vote goes with Jed and Penny.

the other nominees could blend in but Jed would take reconstructive surgery to blend in anywhere.

Penny can still escape but I am afraid she has been weighted down by Jed and is no longer able to run.

I cry

11:13 am April, 19 DarkSock said...

To the naysayers I say Nay verily. Jed…not a douche?

.

Poppacockk, I say! He’s Douchus Extremus. He is what happens when you allow an Ed Hardy outlet inside concentration camps.

11:14 am April, 19 One for the Choad said...

Gotta go with the Gimp and Brenda. Tina’s probably the hotter hott, but Brenda looks like the nicer girl. With big tits. And the gimp…fetch me some lye. Poo.

11:15 am April, 19 Ohio FJ said...

Jed & Penny FTW

11:44 am April, 19 mr.reeve said...

It’s gotta be pencil dick Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny. That dude is a disturbo-bag!!! He makes me want to throw up in my mouth and swallow it. JESUS!!!

11:45 am April, 19 Crucial Head said...

I can’t believe #2 and #3 were even monthly finalists. I haven’t been around as much, but surely there were douchier candidates.

That said, Jed was, and is indeed worthy for the DBotM.

11:52 am April, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

Nothing more can be uttered about Jed the reject from Barbie Atlantis that King Poseidon has not spoken to. Penny has the youthful look of Ariel from The Littlest Mermaid and her pale supple skin makes me weep with guilt.

There has not been a more unnatural coupling on this site. This dude is wrong on many levels and it is not just the meth, it is her painless use off her braces while she sucks this retards tattooed cock. I need a Rob Roy and more sweet powdery cocaine while Mrs. Kroeger gets the pounding she used to get when she had orthodontics.

Jed for the win. Poor, poor,Penny.

11:59 am April, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Everyone seems to be clamoring aboard the Jed Train like it’s the rush hour express to Madhya Pradesh, but I must disagree here. This is Hot Chicks with Douchebags, not Barely Legal Girls with Diseased Calamari. I really didn’t need to see the outline of his testicles tentacles.

.

Freddie’s got this one all wrapped up. How many AKC registered Japanese Chin were slaughtered for his hair? That and the contradictory image of Brenda’s supple young booby innocence snuggled up next to that walking wart hog inspires Trappist Monks to scream obscenities and claw their own eyes out. Let’s hope Brenda’s older sister there is calling for some security goons to curb this pecker head’s face.

.

And by curb I mean kill. And by face I mean face

12:00 pm April, 19 Mr. Bagoo said...

Brenda is the hottest of the hots, though Vanessa is no slouch.

Von Gimp is the biggest sissy-douche I have seen in a while. I want to kill him more than the rest. There are so many douche (plural, like deer) that would easily rip my head off, but not this louse. He is a bottom-barrel douche, the kind that even fellow douches beat all to hell.

GRRRRRR … my blood boils just seeing the extreme lean-back action that precious and innocent Brenda is having to take to get away from Von Gimp’s semen- and alcohol-infused breath.

Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda FTM, even though our favorite hatter jumpoff whobag is going to slaughter him in more ways than one.

12:01 pm April, 19 massengill said...

Brenda FTW

12:06 pm April, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

I am so disturbed by Jed I cannot help myself. Fuck the kids soccer practice.

Jed was raised in poo somewhere in Indonesia. He is Catholic like Penny. She likes him for being a good Christian. But what the fuck is wrong with this emaciated turd and what is wrong with her to hate her father so much to hang around with this spider monkey. I can’t fathom relations between this fine young lady and this fine young cannibal.

12:09 pm April, 19 Deltus said...

I would like to see Vanessa and Brenda do some lesbianic exploratory play. All whilst my penis literally exploded from the pressure of blood travelling to it that fast.

12:19 pm April, 19 Bagnonymous said...

I’ve thought long and hard about this one. And by “long and hard” I mean it was difficult to decide.

.

Brenda’s the prettiest by a longshot; Tina’s got the kinda boobs I just wanna grab onto and squeeze like two massive water balloons; and Jed makes me wanna wretch (note: I cannot speak of Penny, lest I find Chris Hansen waiting in my kitchen when I get home).

.

But Antonio and Vanessa are the strongest douche/bleeth pairing in this showdown. And just where the f*ck are they, anyway? It looks like the backstage entrance at the International Fast-Food-Wrapper-Litterer’s Festival.

12:21 pm April, 19 Douche Springsteen said...

Meaty is a little too minor league and Freddie seems a bit too much of a weekend warrior douche, so the real battle is between Joey and Jed. Now, had Linnaeus encountered these douches in the wild he would’ve grouped them into different species, which makes it difficult to pick the greater of the two evils since they both have their bad and worse attributes. Normally, in such a case, I would let the hott be the deciding factor. In which case I would choose Joey and Tina, since her lush curves and dirty blonde tresses are more appealing to me, even if she is well on her way to residing in Bleethville. However, this is not the normal run of things. Jed is a creature so foul, whose very existence should be so impossible to not even appear in my worst malt liquor fueled night terrors, yet here he stands. Just imagine in 50 years when his skin is a ruin of wrinkled ink and his earlobes sag like sodden paper bags and his grandchildren roll their eyes as he regales them for the umpteenth time about the tail he pulled on spring break. So let it be, Jed and Penny for the monthly.

12:26 pm April, 19 Bagnonymous said...

@ Darksock:

I tried what you said, but everytime I close my eyes, all I see are Tina’s glorious juggs bouncing to-and-fro in front of my face…

12:29 pm April, 19 Douche Springsteen said...

@ Darksock 7:39

that, sir, was perhaps the most poetic description of coitus I’ve read since Miller’s “Tropic of Capricorn”. Damn near brought up my lunch, but poetic nonetheless.

12:39 pm April, 19 clam fist said...

I vote for Jed and pray that Penny is part of the Make a Wish Foundation and he has only a month left to live.

12:42 pm April, 19 clam fist said...

@ Darksock

thanks for the disturbing imagery. It made up my mind and is now part of my weight loss program.

12:56 pm April, 19 Düsseldouche said...

i go with joey lipps and tina.

i like tina.

and i don´t like to see jed again.

so i like tina. i mean i vote for tina.

good night.

12:56 pm April, 19 Hong Kong Douchey said...

Jed and Penny FTW. And thanks to Darksock, I will return to trying to sell a Buick.

1:05 pm April, 19 doucheywallnuts said...

Meaty McMeaterson, aka Antonio and Vanessa for the win. “Classic Jerz Pudwankery and curvy boob grabbery,” trump the frightening freak show of Creepy Wankscrote and his hideous paramour.

Antonio and Vanessa are worthy of the monthly title, keeping in mind the name of this web site is “hot chicks with douchebags” and not “Nauseating pigs with creepy alien-looking dudes.”

1:10 pm April, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Freddie and Brenda FTW. Why? Because you know he has every book Barnes and Noble has about picking up “chicks”. He’s read them like they are his religion and he’s finally got his schtick down. Brenda, the poor doe-eyed nymph, doesn’t read and thinks he’s edgy. Oh, and Jed is the medical waste that’s fallen off the MOBRO 4000 and is now reaching the Jersey shore. ICK!

1:15 pm April, 19 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

I’d vote for Jed if he were posing alongside Rosie O’Donnell. He is that scrote-y.

1:15 pm April, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Don’t just sit there. Vomit. Over Creepy JED and PENNY.

1:32 pm April, 19 opie sardonicus said...

Jed and Penny FTW. I look at the little fartknocker and want to tie a knot in him so he’d be thick enough to drag through my downspouts. Thus rendering his greatest service to humanity. And Penny is shiny. So shiny.

1:36 pm April, 19 Anonymous said...

I have to go with Jed and Penny. Jed has a secret obsession with small asian boys, and Penny’s braces just say, “Your Pubic Hair Here” all over them.

1:37 pm April, 19 Ed Hardouche said...

I have to go with Jed and Penny. Jed has a secret obsession with small asian boys, and Penny’s braces just say, “Your Pubic Hair Here” all over them.

2:06 pm April, 19 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Looks like the freak and the minor are going to walk away with this one, and by walk away I mean create a Red Tide blossom in the local surf that will stymie HAZMAT teams and the CDC for months to come and result in the shutting down of beaches all along the Eastern sea board.

My vote, however, goes to Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda. She is so amazingly hott that you blush when you’re making tug monkeys thinking that because you’re doing it so hard she might actually sense your level of concentration and know that it only took 10 to 15 seconds before you were done and on to the crying and self loathing part. And who hasn’t had the object of their fistification walk in on them at least once?

.

And Freddie, you’ve perfected the art of Fakery. I like to image Brenda’s got her hand stuffed in the back of your greasy skull, working the paltry gray matter you’ve got left with her delicate hands, making you talk, smirk, walk, and all that.

.

It’s a great act, especially when she takes a drink from her Appletini and you keep on spouting off about how if only the lawyers would get their shit together you’d be into your trust fund and she wouldn’t have to buy the drinks and pay the cover charge every night like she always does. You’d almost have us convinced that you were an actual person, but then we’d see her boobs move and we’d remember it’s all just an act.

.

And then we’d pay her to set you on fire.

.

And show us her boobs.

2:09 pm April, 19 Evil Otto said...

In the immortal words of Granny Moses…

“JEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD!!!”

2:20 pm April, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

For what it’s worth, more comments via me…

Brenda is the hottest hot, no question about it, and her Freddie is a shiny clean satin/leather/hair gel douchebag in drama-queen black. I’d vote for them in any other quadragrouping (monthly foursome pairsome).

But JED is so, just so SICKO a douchebag, you have to ask yourself, “Did he wash up on our shores from some deep-trench where truly prehistoric, gruesome and still undiscovered species lurk?” Alas, no. Which makes him even MORE gruesome.

And it is good that DarkSock once again, in the tradition of “Ass Not What Your Country” responses, brings up the phenomenon of flapping body parts making visually strong impressions on readers. Someone else, please provide the link to his epic marble bench/asspear description which has now been matched with a douchebag/earlobe flipper description.

2:23 pm April, 19 Miss Anonymous said...

I rarely cast a vote on these, but a monthly has special meaning.

And by monthly meaning, I mean that Jed has the negative power to make women’s menstrual cycles go out of whack from their monthly regularity.

2:45 pm April, 19 G said...

Tough call for the monthly – Jed the Creepy Wankscrote has made it this far, and grosses me out every time I see him.

Is there any way that Brenda can be in a picture with Jed? Then you would have the “ideal” HCwDB combo platter…if there is such a thing.

My heart says Jed for the monthly…sorry Joey, you are a close second for being Jerzyscrote.

2:46 pm April, 19 Anonymous said...

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

2:50 pm April, 19 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Brenda. It’s all about Brenda. I would smuggle five howler monkeys out of Sri Lanka in my anal cavity based on the off chance that she found it adorable and might, might, pat me on the head as a thank you.

2:55 pm April, 19 Baron Von Goolo said...

Yes, yes, yes – we can all agree that the visual (and audio) of Jed mounting Penny would be unappetizing; their spindly, adolescent fumblings much more akin to a tropical spider wrapping up an albino moth than anything remotely like love making. But if the new barometer for douchiness is whether or not we could stomach watching it couple, then you may as well open the floor to every hobo, comic book store employee and self-mutilated carny. Is Bruce Vilanch a douchebag now? Where would it end???

.

(That’s a rhetorical question. It would end with us all dying from the dehydration and internal bleeding of marathon dry-heaving.)

.

Jed is spectacle. An eight car pile-up of tattoo ink and Crohn’s. But my first instinct is to give him a sandwich and a blanket, not a cricket bat upside the head.

.

With any luck, however, Freddie Von Gimp’s glazed-eye stupor and exploding-cigar-via-cartoon-rabbit hairstyle is the result of many such bat whackings. And the invasive way that he’s leaning into his nubile and pneumatic hott isn’t sexual. It’s his knees buckling prior to the coma, as he slides down her body to the cool tile floor, leaving a slug-trail of drool, AXE and L.A Looks down the length of her spectacularly low-cut cocktail dress.

.

I love me some Darksock but I need to go with Troy and Scrotato on this one. Freddie FTW.

3:01 pm April, 19 Tits McGee said...

I don’t see anyone putting up much of a fight against Jed this month. That includes poor Penny, who at this very moment is whispering in vain through the rhythmic, Djarum clove-induced wheezing of Jed’s crusty body, “Shhh… Please stop grunting, and don’t bite my cheek this time. My parents still don’t know about you.”

I still contend that Penny is not anywhere NEAR the quality of Hott in this Monthly, but the radioactive glowing putridity of Jed is too much for the masses to ignore.

Personally, I would merely laugh at Jed if I saw him in public. If I ever saw Freddie, on the other hand, I would be forced by the laws of nature to gather his immediate family, including Grandma Frederica and Grampa Fritz to watch me defecate into the eyeholes I had previously created in Freddie with a rusty grout-remover. If for no other reason than to save Brenda from the second worst decision of her life. (The worst decision of her life was letting Freddie borrow her eyeliner.)

Maybe I’m just a sucker for the classics…

3:21 pm April, 19 doucheous rex said...

Jed the creepy wankscrote by virtue of being alien douche

3:28 pm April, 19 poultry turd said...

@ Evil Otto 2:09,

I believe that would be Granny Clampett.

3:32 pm April, 19 Desert Douche said...

Joey Lipps and Tina FTW.

Boobies that heavenly do not deserve to be brushing up against a puckering ass-clown who couldn’t find ubiquitous red cups at Walgreen’s.

Let me just add: BOOBIES!

3:44 pm April, 19 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

Brenda and Freddie are almost the archetypal pairing for this website; Brenda might just be the hottest of the hott ever displayed here, and Freddie is a classic douchebag of the martini bar phylum (as opposed to your classic Jersey/Miami/Vegas douchebags). In any ordinary month, it’s an easy call.

However, we mayy be looking at a rare phenomenon this month, which makes it a tough call indeed. 540 million years ago, this planet was an awesome place to be plankton or algae. Lots of nice, warm oceans, lots of photosynthesis-supporting sunlight reaching the upper layers of the ocean, and some nice vulcanism warming the bottom of the seas, providing convection currents that meant the algae could just sort of float around from place to place. But then, something extraordinary happened: creatures started agglomerating their cells. Soon, primitive sensory organs like antennae developed, and cells began having specialized functions. Within a few million years, the trilobites overran the fertile littorals and ever since then, plankton has discovered what life is like as the base of the food chain.

I’m not saying that Jed is exactly analogous to those early multicellular creatures: we need some time to watch evolution in action. But he is a new species in douchebaggery. Oh sure, we’ve seen the parts of Jed before in other scrotes: ink covering over 50% of a douchebag’s surface area, randomly placed piercings, ear lobes and rings that look more appropriate to a cannibal in New Guinea than a resident of the first world. But never before have they been assembled in one new evolutionary poo. Now, it’s possible that Jed may just wind up being a sort of marsupial of douchedom; ecological specialized to one remote area and developing under weird conditions that don’t really apply anywhere else on the planet. But I fear that he has been released upon the world at large, and I fear that he might not have a natural predator, other than our mocking, to keep him from overrunning the native biota. As the Aussies found out when they introduced rabbits into their region, sometimes the invader species will prove too successful and will overwhelm the indigenous life. I fear that Jed must be stopped, before he spurs an imitative period of adaption by the non-Jed douchebags, and soon all we will spot is Jed and Jed-like beings. For God’s sake, give Jed the monthly (I guess the nubile Penny can come along for the ride too, although she is not in the league of the divine Brenda or even the nibblelicious Vanessa), and let’s try and keep our douchely biota in a semblance of equilibrium.

3:45 pm April, 19 Friedouche Nietszche said...

Jed FTW, there aren no words

3:46 pm April, 19 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

This is a double post, because I’m trying to get paragraph breaks for the reader’s convenience. If it doesn’t work, sorry.

Brenda and Freddie are almost the archetypal pairing for this website; Brenda might just be the hottest of the hott ever displayed here, and Freddie is a classic douchebag of the martini bar phylum (as opposed to your classic Jersey/Miami/Vegas douchebags). In any ordinary month, it’s an easy call.

However, we mayy be looking at a rare phenomenon this month, which makes it a tough call indeed. 540 million years ago, this planet was an awesome place to be plankton or algae. Lots of nice, warm oceans, lots of photosynthesis-supporting sunlight reaching the upper layers of the ocean, and some nice vulcanism warming the bottom of the seas, providing convection currents that meant the algae could just sort of float around from place to place. But then, something extraordinary happened: creatures started agglomerating their cells. Soon, primitive sensory organs like antennae developed, and cells began having specialized functions. Within a few million years, the trilobites overran the fertile littorals and ever since then, plankton has discovered what life is like as the base of the food chain.

I’m not saying that Jed is exactly analogous to those early multicellular creatures: we need some time to watch evolution in action. But he is a new species in douchebaggery. Oh sure, we’ve seen the parts of Jed before in other scrotes: ink covering over 50% of a douchebag’s surface area, randomly placed piercings, ear lobes and rings that look more appropriate to a cannibal in New Guinea than a resident of the first world. But never before have they been assembled in one new evolutionary poo. Now, it’s possible that Jed may just wind up being a sort of marsupial of douchedom; ecological specialized to one remote area and developing under weird conditions that don’t really apply anywhere else on the planet. But I fear that he has been released upon the world at large, and I fear that he might not have a natural predator, other than our mocking, to keep him from overrunning the native biota. As the Aussies found out when they introduced rabbits into their region, sometimes the invader species will prove too successful and will overwhelm the indigenous life. I fear that Jed must be stopped, before he spurs an imitative period of adaption by the non-Jed douchebags, and soon all we will spot is Jed and Jed-like beings. For God’s sake, give Jed the monthly (I guess the nubile Penny can come along for the ride too, although she is not in the league of the divine Brenda or even the nibblelicious Vanessa), and let’s try and keep our douchely biota in a semblance of equilibrium.

4:55 pm April, 19 Mr. Biggs said...

Yup. Jed. Not even close. The other three are proper hottie/douchey couplings, but at least the couples look like they’re safely cloistered in douchey breeding grounds. The true nature of the douche is spread forth and taint the innocent, and Jed is a case study of this.

5:23 pm April, 19 notadouche said...

Jed’s fucked up earholes are sreaming out to me, “FTW!!”

5:39 pm April, 19 Albert Eindouche said...

The variety of douche on display for the monthly is impressive. And by impressive I mean I just threw up in my mouth, a lot! It has to be Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny FTW. Although the others are surely contenders and in any other month may well come out on top, or bottom, depending on your perspective, they just can’t compare to the bottom feeding prawn that is Jed. Penny, on the other hand, is just so much jail bait lusciousness that she brings a smile to my lips, a tear to my eye and a semi to my nether’s in a manner that can only be referred to as criminal…

5:52 pm April, 19 Oscar Douche La Renta said...

Voting for a classic coupling like Antonio and Vanessa is like shooting fish in the proverbial… Jed and Penny belong on some other site and horrify me. Joey Lipps is Lightweight and too obvious I must therefore vote for Freddie and Brenda as they represent the Vanguard of Douchebaggery and lameness. Freddie looks like he just jumped off stage of his poorly attended Vegas magic show lounge act. Hocus-Pocus!! Alacazam!!

6:57 pm April, 19 Vinny Scumbaglia said...

Look, I’m voting douchey, not douchesturbing.

I can’t vote for the Creepy Wankscrote, although the aesthetic difference between himself and his hott is astronomical, because I don’t ever want to see that again. Ever.

Antonio and Vanessa are just so… barrel chested and oblivious to their garbage strewn environs, just putrid.

Lipps and Tina, less douchesturbing, I was all for the classicist douchelips on Joey in the weekly, but then there is some barechested scrote in the background fondling his nip.

Finally, Von Gimp, more overt creepshow douchewankery.

So it is all douchesturbing, but some are more disgusting than douchey, so. that is why a scrote fondling his nip in the background clinches it for Joey and Tina.

Lipps and Tina FTW.

–VS

7:29 pm April, 19 The Last Douchefighter said...

Jed and Penny, no question. I can’t remember seeing anything on this site nearly that revolting. Seeing it made me want to crawl up inside my own ass and die.

8:01 pm April, 19 Scooby Douche said...

Look, guys (and any ladies out there), if y’all keep voting for Jed, we’re gonna have to see him again, and more importantly, NOT get to see more of Brenda.

For the love of all that is good and pure in the universe, vote for Brenda!

8:05 pm April, 19 Anonymous said...

Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda FTW!

8:33 pm April, 19 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Jed. He steps right out of Cthulhu’s nightmares and into the monthly.

8:45 pm April, 19 abdouchah the butcher said...

Tina may be the hottest Hott this month, or maybe EVER, [homina homina homina] thereby setting up a priceless Hott/’Bag ratio vote grab, nothing and I mean NOTHING can stop Creepy Jed. He is the Imperial Assclown Mage. MOst other ‘Bags ain’t fit to scribble monosyllabic letters to Jed’s dookie. He is scrote stuffed with roadkill pate and rabbit pellets, served with jizz-stained communion wafers. He is so many anal warts that you cannot poop except liquid that spews forth in several fine, malodorous streams, none of which go in the toilet. His belly-button lint kills and eats endangered species. In pre-school classrooms. Jed the Creepy Wankscrote & Penny FTW! JCW’s got it goin’ on.

8:53 pm April, 19 Balki BartokoDouche said...

Gotta go with Jed FTW despite his Hot being the least hot of the litter. He looks like he spent 12 years in an Ed Hardy war camp only being fed Axe body spray and shame.

9:03 pm April, 19 Business-Casual Douche said...

Joey Lipps for the win!

HIS NAME IS JOEY LIPPS.

9:13 pm April, 19 Father Guido Sardouchey said...

Brenda’s my choice for the hottest hott overall, and Vanessa and Tina certainly have the boobies, but I very much like the flawless girl-next-door type like Penny.

Joey and Antonio are worthy but relatively generic ‘bags, Freddie has that something extra, but Jed makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spork dipped in fresh-squeezed sweat from Donkey Douche’s jock strap.

In any other month, Freddie and Brenda could very well get my vote, but toxic Jed and sweet Penny are the early front-runners for my vote in the yearly.

I vote for Penny as a prom date, Jed for the starring role in the next Troma film, and the two of them for the Monthly.

10:04 pm April, 19 Rumpelscroteskin said...

Now look here, folks, the Hotchick in this monthly is definitely Brenda. She is so sweet, so breathtaking, so alluring, so damn hott, she literally defines this site. She is Hall of Hott worthy, and then some. And she is literally posing with a Dark Sock douchebag, I mean, he has to be wearing dark socks with that black get-up he’s got on. His face and hair are punchworthy, and her boobies are soft-punchworthy. Let’s just get with the program and vote for who defines this site, and not some creepy over-tatted ectomorphic and wasted loser like Jed with his Ha’Penny whom I wouldn’t even give a farthing’s second glance at. Although I might cut loose a fart in their direction at the shock of seeing them on a public beach, and then call up Sanitary to see about getting someone out there to clean up the pollution.

10:10 pm April, 19 soy bomb said...

Okay, let’s see…this month my criteria for Teh Douche de le Luna y Caliente Bebee will be… how much satisfaction I get out of watching said candidate starve to death whilst spoon-feeding a bowl of Tortilla Soup from Fresh & Easy to his gal pal in front of him.

.

Whelp, looks like I made it really easy for myself. Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda For The Win!

.

Meaty and Joey, a pair of middling douches, wouldn’t starve for too long; allowing enough time for me to complete a series of slightly bizarre, yet still legal, actions on their boobie hotts.

.

Jed would be fed as soon as I slipped Penny my phone number with a vague agreement to “hang out” sometime. Will I follow through? Probably.

.

Freddie, oh Freddie. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. While I would feel genuine regret and pity for the other three d’bags as they crawled around on the dirt begging for nourishment, for you I would feel pure joy. A joy that can only be derived from witnessing the pathetic demise of a preening, posturing assh*le such as yourself. No. Soup. For. You. As for Brenda and her awesome rack, the Hall of Hott awaits…

11:57 pm April, 19 Steve L. said...

it occurred to me that all the contestants in this monthly are working their asses off to secure the monthly.

but not Jed.

because Jed the Creepy Wankscrote seriously believes that he STILL looks sexy when he’s eking one out on the toilet. you can’t beat such bliss ninny ignorance. Jed FTW.

12:53 am April, 20 Guy LaDouche said...

Jed and Penny FTW…for no other reason than I have that instant knee-jerk reaction to stare. It’s kind of like a train-wreck, (not the HoS type), you know it’s going to be bad, but you can’t help but watch and stare. Then you feel dirty all over, like you just went through round three of diarrhea and looked back to check for some morbid reason. Or checking your boogers after you blow your nose. Why? No one knows…just like I have no idea why as much as I’m repulsed by Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and want to projectile vomit, I still look. I need a shower now…thanks DB1…wasting water again.

Guy LaDouche

1:31 am April, 20 Guy LaDouche said...

@ Darksock imagery like that is bad enough to bring Flyteeth out of retirement and go on one of his famous rants….btw, I’m going to have to wash my brain out now from that mental image…where’s that wire brush?

6:47 am April, 20 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda FTM.

.

Because boobies like Brenda’s don’t happen every day.

.

I’d have gone with Jed but the HC side left too much to be desired.

4:08 pm April, 20 Ted said...

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny for the pukey pasty and gross win.

8:48 pm April, 20 I R A Darth Aggie said...

First, allow me to say all the hotts are hot.

That said, Penny FTW. Which means Jed = Poo.

12:13 am April, 21 Wheezer said...

I’m voting for Jed the Creepy Batboy Wankscrote. I just want to see him knobgobbling—–errrrr, hobnobbing with Stackhouse at the Douchies. GET SOME disinfectant!

12:14 am April, 21 Wheezer said...

And Brenda for Hall of Boobies.

…..

Carry on.

3:22 am April, 21 Scrote Douche-N-Harmony said...

Brenda and Vanessa are two of the hottest hotts ever. That narrows it down to who is posed with the douchest douche. I wrote in the weekly that Freddie exhibits many Fall Out Boy tendencies, making him beyond worthy.

But Meaty is operating at a high level of hat tilt, white belt, sagging pants, wife beater, general shortness and HGH-infused chesticles. For all those reasons, and the brunette deliciousness of Vanessa, he gets my vote.

Meaty and Vanessa

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