Monday, April 5, 2010

HCwDB of the Week

Welcome to the first official HCwDB of the Week in the new format! Make it a good one, be sure to vote, and let me know if you’re seeing any formatting problems as we test out the new frame.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt and Sally

Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt brings historical trauma and neo-colonialist isolation in the purest Franz Fanon sense to his douchey-ass look.

In what misguided world does this guy look like this?

And in what tragic globalist circulation of meaning does Sally, a suckle thigh that gnaw-worthy, end up in his presence?

Oh sure, you assume Paid-to-Pose. But do not be so sure. The Chief suggests shady global networking funds and poppin’ bottles to celebrate.

Sally brings the gnaw. The Chief brings pink-shirt douche and creepy face, but little else. no tatts, bling or annoying hand gesture ‘tude.

Will it be enough to win the Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Joey Lipps and Tina

Joey Lipps harkons back to classic HCwDB buffoonery.

Tina has the real world “best friend of your sister who likes to party and may be an alcoholic” vibe.

And who are we kidding, it’s women like that that motivated men to want to build the pyramids, the space shuttle, and the invention of wireless telegraphy.

Joey Lipps is classic fratpuddian wank. He deserves to be flushed. And then mocked. And then flushed some more by his raging frat brothers who just got matching tattoos of the Nike logo on their forearm. Because “Just do it” isn’t a slogan to sell overpriced shoes made by children in Indonesia. It’s a lifestyle choice.

Yeah, the DB1 is feeling testy on this Monday.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Willy and Sharlene

Noted particle physicists and academics Willy and Charlene didn’t get the hottie/douchey love, and by love I mean spitt-take, I thought they deserved when they first appeared.

Is Willy a toxic pud?

Not at all.

He’s unthreatening. Clueless. A potential Nerdbag, even. Odds he plays Network Halo on most weekdays? 84%. Over/Under on hours spent per day at various gaming consoles? 7.

But Willy is also an uberdouche. The signs are all there. They cannot be denied, and must be mocked.

Sharlene is sweet real-world gnaw-thigh. She deserves light pooching uponst the buttocks. Which I would perform as my civic duty, and with no expectations of reciprocity.

And lets not forget their second appearance together in When Frat Parties Go Wrong.

A worthy entry in the Weekly.

Just missing the cut were Guyliner Jack (too “pro”), Frankie the Greasehead and Your Saturday Hipsterbag, who will likely be seen at the 2010 Douchie Awards in the newest category, Most Annoying Hipsterbag.

But them’s your three. And only one coupling may win/lose.

Which of these three hottie/douchey couples is toxic enough to win the Weekly?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:16 am April, 5 saulgoode42 said...

Joey Lipps and Tina, no doubt. If Joey tried any harder to suck off his own nose his face would crinkle in on itself like puckered arse to which alum has been gernerously applied; conversely, if Tina’s ravishing bust were bursting any more from its tiny confines, I’d be forced to beat myself to death with my own sense of despair.

7:18 am April, 5 justadouchalo said...

Joey Lipps and Tina for the win. I’d like to shove a rusty piece of rebar in his pouty cakehole, and Tina’s bustier is hothothot.

7:24 am April, 5 Dicy said...

Willy and Sharlene FTW(L). Willy looks pretty stupid, even if he is a physicist. In my time spent as an Astrophysicist in training, I know that nerd qualities do not always make up for the douche factor. And Sharlene is very pretty, yes very pretty indeed.

7:27 am April, 5 Douche Springsteen said...

I’m going with Willy & Sharlene. My first reaction was to vote for Joey Lipps, but while he is just making a stupid face, Willy puts forth the extra effort to douche it up with a sideways hat tilt, mandana and stupid sunglasses. I wish I had something more clever to say but I spent the weekend pouring malt liquor down my gullet and gorging myself on sugar coated marshmallow confections.

7:31 am April, 5 Bagnonymous said...

Joey Lipps & Tina, because her the size of her globes knows no bounds. And because Joey’s lips look like a swollen rectum. We all know where those beads around his neck are going to end up…

7:32 am April, 5 Jason said...

Chief Dances in Pinkshirt….He brings a uniqueness to the douchebag world..the native indian communities will be doing nightly chants to wash away what they have seen.

7:33 am April, 5 Bagnonymous said...

^^ F*cking un-logged-in lack of gravatar…

PS. “Gravatar” sounds gay. Can we just go back to calling ’em “avatars”?

7:35 am April, 5 El Caganer said...

Joey Lipps FTW, mostly because of Tina’s boobies. Mostly.

7:38 am April, 5 Deltus said...

Gotta go with Joey Lipps and Tina. Of all the hotts, she’s the one I’d most like to snog. Of all the dbags, he’s the one I’d most like to smack in the face with a heavy, blunt object. He’s working for it too, with the kissylips and dumb hand signs. Oh, and did I mention: BOOBIES!

Yeah, Joey and Tina FTW.

7:39 am April, 5 G said...

Have to go with Joey Lipps, with Chief Dances in Pinkshirt a very close second.

7:50 am April, 5 Wedgie said...

Gotta go with the Chief, hottest hottie and scariest fuccen douchebag. His lumpy face gives me nightmares. So does that shirt.

7:51 am April, 5 Baleen said...

Hail to the chief. The Native Americans deserve some consolation here. If his ancestors saw that pink v-neck, they would probably scalp him, cut off his dick, and feed it to the wolves. With the mighty E-Blo “I’m dead” stare, marks-of-the-bag, and man tits, well it all makes my poo runny and chafe laden.

She is Hott and tasty, like Pilsbury crecent rolls dipped in melted butter.

7:55 am April, 5 Vin Douchal said...

Gotta go with Willy and Sharlene/Charlene FTW.

Sharlene/Charlene is a front runner for hottest girl next door in the 2010 Douchies

Willy is going to the local community college in the Parking Lot Attendant Program. He’s pulling an astounding 1.5 GPA in his 7th semester. Nice work, Bra

8:04 am April, 5 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Joey Lipps and Tina FTW. And by “win” I mean Kick Joey to the curb, and take Tina home and get her sobered up enough to be able to give consent.

8:14 am April, 5 clam fist said...

The Chief ftw. The Indians are responsible for much of the douche fads. Just look at Joey Lipps bead necklace for proof. Need more. Mohawk sporting Indians inspired the fauxhawk. Guyliner was preceded by face paint. There isn’t any accessories that are too far out there for native Americans. His ancestors are wondering why the Chief only has a pink shirt.

8:16 am April, 5 Mr. White said...

Joey Lipps and Tina. She is boobular lusciousness. He is the guy who lives above me and, through negligence, allowed water to pour down from his un-grouted bathtub into my bathroom. There I was, sneaking out of work early on Good Friday, thinking I’d take the afternoon to wank it to some Stoya vids and then take a nap, but instead I have to deal with Lake White in my bathroom. And the dude’s all like, “Bra, you don’t have to call insurance or nothin’. Just put some paint over the stains and missing drywall and it’s all good, dude. I’ll give you a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best to make up for it.” And I’m like “Bra, if you don’t cooperate, I’ll totally take you to small claims court and get a lien put on your condo, Broheim. And since you were dumb enough to tell me you and the little lady were looking to sell, I know this will cause you all manner of delays and pain, so pony up, Brolicious.”

True story. No, really. My bathroom is fucked. I blame douches. Only Tina’s boobs can save me.

8:31 am April, 5 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Me havum heap hard time deciding…

The Chief FTW. Because we are nothing if not equal opportunity mockers here at HCwDB. And sexy Sally is giving me her bedroom eyes.

8:33 am April, 5 Just Sayin said...

Nasty Tina pulls Joey to the finish line in record time. Hey Joey – the lamprey called – he wants his lips back.

8:38 am April, 5 Troy Tempest said...

It’s gotta be Willy and Charlene.

Why:

Chief pink shirt isn’t native. His name is Manny and he’s of Greek / Lebanese descent. He flings pizza for a living. He’s a fuckwit and a douchenozzle, but nowhere near as exotic as one might think.

So scratch pink shirt.

Joey Lipps is a douche, but only second level. Take away the beads and the rare as fucking hell yellow plastic cup, he’s just your average car salesman. And Tina is a pneumatic bleeth.

Then, there’s Willy and Charlene. Willy’s got the tude, the tatt, the hat, and all that and more. Charlene is a junior league Carly in the making. These two are in a frantic dash to nowhere. They think they’re cool because they convince themselves of it with their own hall-of-mirrors style inner monologues.

Charlene’s is a mix of nicotine cravings punctuated by gum snapping and giggles.

But what makes Willy the true loser of the week, is his inner personal dialogue which resembles a stanky mix of gangsta rap, incoherent mumblings and Vogon poetry.

Willy and Charlene FTW.

8:38 am April, 5 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Gotta be The Chief ftw. Sally has a nice Carmen Electra thing going, which is nice.

8:43 am April, 5 BeerGeek said...

It’s gotta be Joey & Tina. Yeah, Willy’s douche alright but Joey’s got him beat. And the Chief? I’m sorry he’s not douchey; he’s just sad.

8:43 am April, 5 MoeDouche said...

I vot ef or Ch ief bec a use I w anthi mt ow in!

8:49 am April, 5 DarkSock said...

Joey Lipps, because he has a fuccen corn chip in his wig or something, and because I can actually hear the softened spang of a snow shovel rebounding off of his jawbone and volcanically shaped plug hole.

8:54 am April, 5 Douches Wild said...

Joey and Tina rule- Joey is clearly a sub-standard jackinapes who will recede into lumpen pudhood as soon as he graduates from taxidermy school- Tina’s bustier will be enshrined by legions of groveling post pubescent tools, including me.

8:57 am April, 5 Crucial Head said...

Sally is the hottest hott. Willy is the biggest douche. This vote comes down to their backup scores.

Chief sports Astroglide on his face, a gold chain, and a V-neck. I can’t fault his unusual facial features. He is certainly a middle of the road scrote, but nothing worthy of a Weekly nomination. Sharlene, on the other hand, more than holds her own as the second hottest hott here. She could certainly play with my second banana. And on most days, she would be the hottest hott.

So, quite simply, by a combined TKO, the win goes to Willy and Sharlene.

If Sharlene and Sally were to you know… do something together, you know, and um… ah fuccen bollocks. I tried to put it in a non-graphic way so as to avoid an IOB. I have failed. Now I am holed up in my office and praying that my client shows up late for our 9am meeting.

8:59 am April, 5 Crucial Head said...

P.s.

I really hate not being able to break things into paragraphs.

That is all.

9:01 am April, 5 One for the Choad said...

Tina has a certain ‘Veronica Mars’ oversexed little sister’ thing going for her, but there is no greater douche of the three than Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt. Plus, if I could fly, I’d pick Sally up, and take her into the night, etc. Chief and Sally FTW.

9:10 am April, 5 bigphatnotadouche said...

Willy and Sharlene – I want to punch Willy in the teeth so he would stop grinding them. I’m willing to grind on Sharlene for the best 30 seconds of my life.

9:11 am April, 5 End the Haberdouchery said...

Joey Lipps and Tina. Mostly because I think DB1 is like me and saw nothing but those fabulous mams when he looked at this pic so he named her left boob Joey Lipps and her right boob Tina.

9:21 am April, 5 Ed Hardouche said...

I gotta vote for Joey Lipps and Tina. The ratio of Douchebagedness to Hott is by far the most extreme here. I would like to see Tina pour honey on his lips and then shove his face in to a bee hive just to see if his “Jaggers” swell up anymore. You are right Deltus, he has worked for this moment of glory.

9:23 am April, 5 dbBen said...

Willy and Sharlene ftweekly

That one hits a little too close to home. Sometimes it seems the spectacle is contained to the likes of the interwebs, the TV, or the occasional choadwank at some party. But we’ve all had a history class with Sharlene, and we’ve all been pissed at Willy. Willy is the douchebag next door.

Chief Dances with Pink Shirt will always make me laugh. Always.

9:44 am April, 5 Maxim Kovalenko said...

Willy and Charlene FTW.

They are the couple you see on the street every day, look up at the heavens and go “MY GOD WHY?!?!?!” I know I do. Regularly. And then I weep.

9:48 am April, 5 DarkSock said...

Crucial:

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You can break things into paragraphs.

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Just need to cheat a little; that’s all.

9:50 am April, 5 DarkSock said...

My only comment about our new home: I liked the way you could jump to the top of each thread on the temporary alpha version, then scootch sideways to newer or older posts by clicking them buttons. That was kinda sweet.

9:54 am April, 5 DarkSock said...

I also wish there were a forum where we could discuss off-topic things like my above comment somewhere besides the mocking threads.

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*What’s that? There is? A big fuccen button right at the top of the page? Ummm. Very well then. ahem. *

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My bad. Carry on.

10:11 am April, 5 RAPETIME said...

Joey Lipps and Tina. What a fine pair of meatbumpers she’s sporting. What a superbly punchable face he has. Sheer perfection, the both of them.

Don’t harsh on the Chief. He’s simply Portuguese – I’m amazed that he’s got actual long hair and not the requisite EuroMullet®.

10:16 am April, 5 uscrascal said...

‘Joey Lipps and Tina’ for sure… you can’t deny the hottie/douche contrast that is so evidently manifest… just look at those fun bags, and then right at his face… complete scroatankerous juxtapositioning right there.

10:17 am April, 5 Red Headed Woman said...

Chief. He disgusts me.

10:19 am April, 5 melvil duchi said...

Joey Lipps and Tina.

Ah fair Tina not everyone can wear a bodice as you. will I see you at the Ren Faire in the Fall?

10:28 am April, 5 Anonymous said...

The background color and font is not working for this site. It makes it very hard to read anything on Firefox

10:35 am April, 5 Scrote Douche-N-Harmony said...

How, White man. Me Chief-Dances-in-Pinkshirt. Wait many moon for this honor, make Chief best brave in tribe to be big douche. This Chief wife Sally. Will trade for three Ed Hardy blankets, no smallpox. When in club, Chief do middle-aged pop-lock make-it-rain dance. Other braves not beat Chief, or paint face and sacrifice Sally to elders.

10:35 am April, 5 doucheywallnuts said...

Willy gets it.

An uninspiring threesome to kick off the new look of HCWDBs, but Willy’s accessories win the day; white sunglasses, mandanna, annoying hat tilt and awful tattoo. It’s as if he bought the “Douchebags for Dummies” book and followed a how-to list. However, he is more a of a douchebag than the rest of the lot.

Joey Lipps is a tired cliche and he bores me and Tina’s boobs mystify me.

The Chief is scary and will give me bad dreams, but that doesn’t mean he’s DBotW material.

10:36 am April, 5 Bagnonymous said...

(A little “aside” from the voting here)

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Boss, if you’re still reading this and not sloppy drunk on the ‘Train yet on this fine Opening Day Monday–I second Crucial’s 9:50am comment about navingating forward & back like we had on the teaser page last month. It was a nice way to satisfy my to most apparent ailments: ADD and hott-lusting.

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That is all… please carry on with the Democracy of Mock. Vote early and vote often, my bizzotches!

10:43 am April, 5 Justin said...

Willy bo-Billy the butt-nut from Baltimore and the lovely Sharlene. She has the girl next door hott firepower, and he is trailer parktastic. You can get meth face just from shaking his hand.

10:44 am April, 5 Anonne Huntress said...

Tough call. I vacillate between Joey Lipps and the Chief. Chief’s hott is hotter, but Joey makes you want to smack him across the mouth.

Eh. Since my tendency is to vote on the strength of the douche, I’ll go with Joey Lipps. Dipshit in the lower right corner would be proud.

10:44 am April, 5 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

Joey Lipps and Tina FTW(L). Her munchable mounds of mammary goodness make me want to motorboat her for days on end. His douchey face makes me want to introduce him to the business end of a 75-hp Johnson outboard.

10:45 am April, 5 DarkSock said...

Dammit Bagnonymous that was ME, not Crucial!

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Wait…I AM Crucial….

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Nevermind; carry on.

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ahhh Hell since we’re off-topic: If you haven’t checked the forums then you’ve missed the first awesome nugget deposited by a reg. Check out what Vinny Scumbaglia found and what he did with it.…it’s a gold mine I tell ya….

10:48 am April, 5 Crucial Head said...

I am Doctor Remulak.

10:53 am April, 5 Douchble Helix said...

Since all the best synonyms have been taken, I resort to the following:

Tina (and Joey) FTW! Those gazoobies deserve instant Hall Of Hott enshrinement. Plus, she loves to fuck. Lookit what she did to poor ol’ Bill Hader.

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Gazoobies comes from a Letters To Penthouse Forum column, circa late 1970s. A guy working on a pearl necklace was between his gal’s gazoobies, when he slipped and and it slipped into her nose.

10:56 am April, 5 Douchble Helix said...

I knew Doctor Remulak. Crucial Head, you’re no Doctor Remulak. Besides…

.

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I am Doctor Remulak. I am Doctor Remulak. I am Doctor Remulak…

10:59 am April, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Willy and Sharlene FTW! Why? Willy delivers with the goods and Sharlene (in pic #2) scrambles them up and puts them on a plate. He is retard personified and I’m not talkin’ ’bout truly mentally handicapped here. He chooses the douche “lifestyle”. He embraces it. Any semblance of what he was before this has been completely eradicated. In other words, he believes his own shit and he thinks it smells like AXE. In deference to Troy T. I think his inner monologue sounds like a combination of white noise/static with Eric Cartman “Deerrrrrrr”s thrown in for good measure. And as soon as he gets that full-time gig at Pep Boys, he can get that spoiler for his 2001 Honda Civic with 183,000 miles on it. Yeah baby, that shit will rock the muthafuccen house, yo!

11:24 am April, 5 melvil duchi said...

gazoobies is my favorite new word

all the is old is new again

11:27 am April, 5 anonymous said...

I vote for Tina’s boobs…I mean Joey Lipps.

11:28 am April, 5 Euripidouche said...

hear the one about tina

sloppy as a moose

she sprays some axe, up where she wax

cause joey prefers dudes…

tina and joey lipps ftw

11:33 am April, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

JOEY LIPPS and TINA. His lips actually look like the top of the hot water bottle douchebag in our closet, his nose the

schnozzle, and her boobies…well,a pair of corseted water tanks come to mind. He deserves twenty lashes with the hose.

11:37 am April, 5 Hong Kong Douchey said...

Joey Lipps and Tina. I think Joey’s havin’ a stroke.

11:49 am April, 5 Architeuthis Dux said...

You remember that part in The Matrix where Keanu Reeves’ mouth vanishes? Joey has the opposite problem, and for this I pity him. I also pity myself for not having Tina’s bustier clad bounties within arm’s reach when I wake up.

11:50 am April, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

Today I am just cynical enough that I will not be swayed by the power of tits. Tina’s got magnificent mamms but it somehow seems fitting that she’d be with Joey Lipps. She’s the “freaky girl” he’s always dreamed of, he’s the popular jock she couldn’t get in highschool, until she realized showing her tits would get her the attention she so desperately wanted.

Will makes Sharlene laugh and that’s why she hangs out with him. I suspect a “BFF” situation here. He’s always liked her, but she just thinks of him as a friend and cries to him on Myspace about how shitty her boyfriend treats her.

The only pairing that cannot exist in a sensible, rational universe is Chief Pinkshirt and Sally. She wants her drinks paid for, he wants to not feel like a broken-down old man for the night. Nobody likes getting old, it sucks. However, to attempt such a blatant defiance of reality suggests a narcissistic, arrogant and immature soul, completely unaware of self and unwilling to accept truth. And isn’t that the very nature of douche? The willingness to be spectacle in order to attain the admiration of the female? And despite the fact that the deal will never be sealed, the photographic evidence is there for the bragging online the next day.

Let it go, Chief. You had your moment. Your shaved moobs and the bags under your eyes aren’t going away because you wish them so. She’s not going to fuck you because you bought her a drink. Be content to your lot in life, find a nice, horny MILF who’s just left her old man and is looking for a hatefuck. Sally’s not for you, and the smug look on her face tells me she kows it, and she’s laughing at you. But you’re trying anyway. And by trying I mean manscaping, pink-shirted ridiculousness. And the weekly.

Chief FTW

11:51 am April, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Mr. White 8:16

You know, my bathroom is just fine. Doesn’t have a door at the moment, though. But I’ll pretend not to look while you’re in the shower and I’m slathering myself with moisturizer.

11:53 am April, 5 Ohio FJ said...

Willy FTW

12:19 pm April, 5 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Ugh. I’m still reeling from the RAED video.

Joey Lipps and his colorful assortment of anal beads FTW. Catch A Rainbow™ Joey.

12:20 pm April, 5 Cmak said...

Tina’s cleavage FTW!

12:26 pm April, 5 Colossus of Choads said...

Willy and Sharlene, too many demerit points on Willy I’m afraid.

12:30 pm April, 5 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I do intend on offing Sally’s vaguely Mediterranean guy friend with a tire iron and a large screwdriver, and then coercing her into 13 months of marriage and partially-forced sexual relations that end in my death due to auto-erotic asphixiation and a child of whom will never be told who his father is.

But it will be totally worth it.

12:31 pm April, 5 Em said...

The Lipps will go down with light mockery and Tina (the sweetness whom I would down like an umbrella drink on new year’s) will be saved. Wally is a bit further down the road and may need more effort to stop being a douchehead but Sharlene (the oh so tasty Sharlene whom I would dip in chocolate and eat like and ice cream) will thus be saved before long.

But the Chief is totem, the Chief is scrotem, the Chief is rocksteady douche-to-the-bag, world dominion for all that is choad, blatant tastelessness dressed in poo-colored shirt and will not yield unless fired upon by over the top, from Alpha to Omega overkill, serious mockery cannons of doom. Sally may still be saved, people. The Chief it is.

1:01 pm April, 5 boatbutter said...

Chief.

1:05 pm April, 5 Erik said...

Finalist #1: Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt and Sally

Looks like “Sam the Eagle” on Sesame Street.

1:08 pm April, 5 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Well my brain is a bit addled having returned to Iraq Easter weekend via too many stops in squalid places to count, but the smorgasbord of douche on offer all seem to qualify. Alas, only one (pair) can get the prize. In a squeaker I go for Willy and Sharlene. Laws of nature cannot be opposed without consequences, and mandana + hat tilt scream out, “DOUCHEBAG!” That’s all I got now friends. Better next time with the benefit of rest and re-acclimation to this hell hole.

    2:07 pm April, 5 DarkSock said...

    Welcome back, Chris In ‘Baghdad!

1:56 pm April, 5 Doucherama said...

I have NEVER voted because of the Hott. I have always with monk like discipline refused to be distracted from the duty of douche mock.

Until now.

Tina and her exhuberant boobs (and that guy) FTW!

(And lets face it none of these guys are Smoot quality)

2:07 pm April, 5 Scroberto Baggio said...

Hmm…The tragic composure of The Chief versus the zany and inbred antics of Willy.

I vote for The Chief, those dead eyes would make even Cecil Rhodes feel colonial guilt.

2:08 pm April, 5 scrotum pole said...

I believe the Chief will be the pride of the Nez Pierce Nation as he rides his appalousa stallion to a weekly victory.

Sally will follow behind at a respectful distance, on her spirited mustang philly.

If Sally dares to ride abreast of the Chief, he will shout to her in his native tongue, “Mustang Sally, you better slow your mustang down!”

Bad Wilson Pickett reference.

Actually, I think the dude is Armenian, but WTF.

Not Wilson Pickett, but the Chief.

Never Mind.

2:11 pm April, 5 Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck off Willy. You and your chocolate make me sick.

2:13 pm April, 5 scrotum pole said...

@ Medusa 8:16

I’m a bit dissapointed, I figured your bathroom would have a trap door in the floor.

2:17 pm April, 5 Chad Kroeger said...

And this site seems to be more fluid or I am still drunk with my Easter bang my old girlfriends night who are now divorced and horny pigs with an extra 20 pounds of ham on them.,

Why does my wife let me loose once a year for a night with the old whores? Maybe I should thank her.

And by thank her I mean anal. And by anal i MEAN WHAT IS SHE DOING THAT NIGHT. fUCK i AM DRUNK. WE GET MONDAY AS A HOLIDAY IN CANADA. DID I JUST USE ALL CAPS?????

2:30 pm April, 5 Dex said...

In this week’s lineup, I see two true-blooded douchebags, and one man who is very confused.

Joey has a face that is absolutely screaming with desire for a hard-loving encounter with my boot in the early hours of a foggy Thursday morning. But he isn’t living up to his full potential in this picture. He could be wearing a silk-screened shirt, bigger earrings, and had taken the extra care to ensure that his wrist wasn’t cropped out of the picture, so you can see the dinner-plate sized timepiece he picked up at a pawn shop in what he calls “the ghetto part” of his suburban Virginia hometown.

Willy tries too hard and when he goes for a high-five from the bros, they sigh, roll their eyes, and oblige him. They know that if they don’t, he will begin to yell “DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN’ BRO!”

Last we have the Chief, who is a refreshing change from the stereodouche that I fear I’ve become numb to. This is a true example of douchebag retro-futurism. The Chief had spent his younger years working the counter at his father’s souvenir stand next to the reservation’s famous “Firewater River” bar and casino. It was only when he inherited the shop that he changed his uniform to match that of the tourists from the mystical and far-off land of “South Jerz, Bro!” that he began to betray his own culture. Sure, the tourists from that fabled land seemed to be nice enough, after all, they had the same complexion as the Chief. It was soon later that he realized with horror that it came from an aerosol can. By the time he realized the folly of his ways, it was too late. He had already spent all his money on the white man’s shirts and jewelry, and his whirlwind romance with Sally quickly became a liability when his wife, the spirit woman of the tribe, caught wind of it and coerced a pack of wolves to tear her dress to shreds and drag her slightly dirty and bruised, but still lovely, body to my doorstep where I would ravish it for all eternity.

I’ll shed a single tear every time I see someone litter, just for you Chief. You’ve got my vote.

2:44 pm April, 5 Sorta Damocles said...

Joey & Tina FTW. What can I say, Tina just does it for me. Joey may only be Larval Douche, but frat boys are special to me.

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And by special, I mean trying to split those kissy lips with a hunting arrow.

2:51 pm April, 5 Bro M. Chomsky said...

Cheif dances in pink shirt ftw. Even if he got a haircut, and traded the jewelery and pink shirt for something acceptable this would be an epically egregious pairing.

Whilst Tina’s boobies are enticing. Sally is the hottest hot, and other than her willingness to have her picture taken with CDPS appears to be totally classy. Therefore, CDPS is a true turd in an otherwise delicious punchbowl. The turds in otherwise clean toilets do not compare.

3:09 pm April, 5 creature said...

the chief gets my vote, cuz he looks like he will eat my liver if I don’t give it…. he’d get real drunk!

4:14 pm April, 5 gethimabody-bag said...

Chief for the week. He affords the greatest dichotomy between his perplexing stone-faced serious whilst wearing a pink shirt w/ pink letters and the lovely Sally, who’s smooth smile renders my spinal column to become amoeba-like.

4:36 pm April, 5 Anonymous said...

Chief , for he is the reason we invaded Iraq.

4:58 pm April, 5 notadouche said...

Easter Island Bag FTW!

5:09 pm April, 5 Tits McGee said...

Gonna have to give it to Chief. And by “it” I mean “a concrete-soaked piece of rebar to the domeplate.”

His ‘hott’ is borderline bleeth, but Joey is a Stage-1-in-training, and Willy’s hat-tilt angle is the only thing making up for his ‘might-be-a-hott’ if it weren’t for the look on her face which says, ‘I have a REAL boyfriend.”

The perseverance his expressionless face requires is made of the things that move mountains. I mean the anger-inducing-TNT that Wile E. Coyote uses to capture his prey. This guy can choke on an AIDS-infected meatstick before his father tells him, “You are not my son… Danceswithchoads is more of my son than you are… you are asswaste, and your soul will not live on as long as you dress like a Manhattan douchescreen.”

Done.

5:27 pm April, 5 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Tough choice this week. All three bags are punch-worthy, all three hotts are snogable.

.

I think I have to go with Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt-with-matching-panties since a) their photo seems to have been taken in a pizza parlor, b) he is obviously too old for her, and c) who the hell has their picture taken in a pizza parlor?

.

Answer: A Bag of the Week, that’s who. Chief FTW.

5:30 pm April, 5 Count Douche-a-La said...

After long consideration over a bottle of Belgian Style Pale ale, we at Casa La Douche have decided that the Chief and Sally are the winners. Sally is, in fact, adorable

6:00 pm April, 5 Soy Bomb said...

Alright, while the Chief brings downright disturbing “Renee Magritte-esque” douche stylings, I must eliminate him: He just doesn’t douche hard enough. Nice shirt tuck, toolio.

.

.

Willy is special, very special indeed, but he doesn’t generate the necessary heightened level of hatred required to win such an douche honor.

.

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Joey Lipps scores several scrote points in his pic. The ‘bag gesture, the greezzy face and the absurd, absolutely absurd facial expression that makes me want to chunder out my nose. F*ck you Joey. You may win the douche weekly, but you lose at life. Tina provides the necessary boobie traits to complete the pud pairing.

6:11 pm April, 5 Vinny Scumbaglia said...

Willy looks just too much like he’s been caught on the cusp of the “holy-s*-she’s-gonna-be-a-dental-hygenist-and-I’m-gonna-be-unemployable-so-she’ll-have-every-right-to-get-fat-and-surly-and-nag-the-crap-out-of-me-forever-but-despite-this-knowledge-I-cannot-shed-my-mandana-persona-wtfbbq” epiphany, so I guess I’m soft, but I can’t vote for him.

The pink shirted fellow doesn’t bring the douche. Well, maybe he does bring the douche, but he doesn’t bring it all red-cupped and smarm-lipped.

So, I’ve gotta go with Joey and Tina, because he reminds me of someone I knew that was, well… a huge douche; and she reminds me of someone who has, well… huge tahteetos.

–VS

6:22 pm April, 5 Douchelips said...

I have to go with Joey Lipps and Tina FTW! Tina has those 1800’s boobies popping out of her delicately laced up bodice. And Joey, well he’s sporting my favorite douche gesture!

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Chief Pinkshirts just escaped from the sanatorium in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and probably qualifies as an oldbag.

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And Willie is just weak sauce with his faux pirate grimace….

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Joey Lipps and Tina FTW!

6:36 pm April, 5 g0dluvsugly said...

unfortunately this is a very week showing indeed, and while at a base level all of the scrotes incite an internal rage. chief D.I.P.S. is probably the only of the 3 who really goads me into skinning a tatonka. and certainly, sally is as delectable as the liver i will consume in celebrating my kill of chief D.I.P.S.

7:00 pm April, 5 Lovekraft said...

Joey Lipps for oozing fuggedaboudit!

This Snookie-slugger is a poster-child for Pro-Abortian advocates.

7:54 pm April, 5 Scooby Douche said...

Tina’s tits….oh yeah, and Joey Lipps.

Let’s review here folks. It’s HOT CHICKS with douchebags. The douchebags are the afterthought, the dirt under the nails after you wash the hands. Not the main event. The focus here is hot chicks, with large mounds of delicious sweater meat.

Tina is mountains of mama meat such that I need a whole team of Sherpas to help me reach the top (tip?) I would belay those for weeks on end, stopping only long enough to suck oxygen from my tank, then head back up the slopes.

Joey is a douche. To quote the great Stan Lee, “‘Nuff said!”

8:55 pm April, 5 Steve L. said...

if Willy & Charlene didn’t get the hottie / douchie love they deserved, then by golly i must bring about balance in the universe.

actually, if i can permanently stop Willy from touching an Xbox360 for the rest of his life, then fuck all this balance in the universe BS.

some gamers may be able to flop out 5-dimensional pink hat tilts, but other gamers have a sense of moral obligation. Willy & Charlene FTW.

9:46 pm April, 5 Lithi said...

The Chief. He looks on in a lonely gaze disguised as arrogant nonchalance, knowing that Sally is the best he will ever do.

And after she leaves him, taking his cash and refusing to fuck him, he will lay quietly in his bed with the visions of the cat-eyed beauty with tears dripping down his cheeks. Although she has probably openly mocked him and will continue to do so with her friends.

So it shall be done.

10:04 pm April, 5 Anonymous said...

Hail to the chief, baby.

11:04 pm April, 5 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

Lipps: I’d like to take him to Funkytown … and shoot him.

For a moment, it was difficult. My first glance at the Chief was “you gotta be f–kin’ kiddin’ me.” The reax to Lipps was primal yawping.

The tiebreaker was which chick is most Bleeth. Busty McBlondo wins in a mammoryslide over the bustier.

5:18 am April, 6 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Joey Lipps and Tina FTW because if Juliette Lewis’s younger sister here had been in From Dusk Til Dawn I’d have been fwapping to her cans instead of Salma Hayek’s, and that’s saying something. And by something I mean Salma Hayek is the reason most of us guys will never play the piano again.

.

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But I for one can play a pretty nasty reed flute.

7:57 am April, 6 ehcuodouche said...

Chief has betrayed his ancestors.

8:07 am April, 6 Manimal said...

FTW? It’s just gotta be Chief-Field-Of-Douche…

Of course, the uniquely challenging juxtaposition of the not-yet-Ubiquitous Red Wine In Clear Plastic Cup to be found in Glossy Sally’s hand makes this a true winner for me. But, I feel we cannot readily dismiss the epiphanidouchelian lesson Chief-My-God-Man-That-Shirt-Is-Bizarrely-Gay! has to offer: Douchebaggery suffers no age-limits….

12:36 pm April, 6 The Dude said...

I cast my vote for J. Lipps, because I wanna see if Tina’s bodice loosens up for the Monthly.

5:59 pm April, 6 Anonymous said...

gotta go with Chief Dances-in-Pink-Shirt and Sally, as she is easily the hottest of the hotts, and the other two dudes just seem mildly annoying but essentially harmless douches, but the Chief there, he looks pretty intense about his douching

10:42 pm April, 6 wheezer04041966 said...

I’m going with Chief Pink-Pumps-His-Fist and sweet Sally FTW. She would be enough to make the Plains buffalo stop their roaming, for her skies are not cloudy all day. Meanwhile, he needs to come on out and admit to the occasional “raise the tepee” game he and his fellow Arapachoads enjoy.

1:29 am April, 7 Albert Eindouche said...

Joey Lipps and the mahvelous Tina FTW. I don’t have to explain myself to you…but I will anyway…None of these candidates are Monthly let alone Yearly material but these two epitomize the pleasure/pain dichotomy that is HCWDB…Werd up…Sorry…Got a bit douchey myself for a second there…

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