Wednesday, April 14, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: Jed The Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and ambiguously 18 Penny, with the belly piercing confirming her qualifications as of age (pointed out by reader Tits McGee) just brought too much uber-poo pollution to be denied the Weekly. It was a Gollum landslide.

The voters speak:

Bromancer: Definitely Jed the Creepy Wankscrote. He makes me want to invent time travel just to go back and stop him from ever being born. While Puncy is indeed punch worthy, only Jed inspires me to break the laws of physics in order to save tasty tasty coeds from foul Gollum-like caresses. Because you know he wants to put his Precious into her One Ring.

doucheblaster: Jed is the most disgusted shocking thing you have to force yourself to look at…i vote for the “tattoed thing and the hot chick with braces”

Doucheasorus Maximus: Jed & Penny FTW!! Only because it makes you scream WTF!!!!!

Wheezer: It’s gotta be Jed the Creepy Batboy. I think you could remove the underage(?) chick and he’d still pull this one out. Never mind the stupid tatt pattern – Jed has Ol’ Chap pointing, laughing, and saying, “Dude, WTF?”

Chad Kroeger: Jed and the braces girl. Nothing says Jed like lithiun and rohipnol. Jed also has a very large head for a very small girl with unspeakable body decorations. When I was a fine young cannibal my only decoration was a Rob Roy and cocaine in its sweet powdery form.

Baleen: Where’s my flamethrower?

melvil duchi: Jed and Penny get my vote. Jed is too far gone. never coming back. Penny can still be saved. Run Penny Run

boatbutter: If Jed doesn’t win, I will renounce all that is important to me.

Dark Sock: There was a nightmare pale Gilligan

Out to cop an underage feel again

Nine short months later

He can only hate her

Cuz she forgot The Pill again.

dbBen: Jed, because he made some poor tattoo artist go “down-there” to ink Mumra and roses. …and because I can’t unsee him.

The_Postdouchster_General: Oh dear god it has to be Jed the Creepy Wankscrote. I mean the candidates are all quite good, but I physically shuddered at the sight of this combination of a young fawn and this strange douchey creature! Which I could only previously describe as a ‘Golem-from-the-Lord-of-the-Rings’ look-alike.

Tony Ventresca: Easy choice this week, at least for me. Jed is simply so creepy that he has to be my choice. He could (and probably needs to) suck the blood from any douchebag ever posted on this site. And yeah, she’s old enough. Once you’ve seen 45 year old trophy wives with braces, then you realize it doesn’t mean anything.

scrotum pole: Jed and Penny FTW. Please get these two a chaperone, some counseling and for the love of God, some sunblock.

Scott: Definitely Jed the Creepy My-God-What-the-Hell. Penny is probably a very nice girl, but only middlin’ Hot Chick. But Jed is just about the most revolting thing I’ve seen. He’s almost Lovecraftian, like a tatted-up Formless Spawn of the Elder Gods.

Excellently deconstructed, panel, the power of Jed overwhelmed the H.C. side, although if we assume Penny’s 18, I would hump thine leg with great aplomb. In a distant but solid second place, with support, was the combo of Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz and skater Tonya. Kowitz.

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: He is a smug suburbanite choad that truly deserves a shot in the mug. Cheap pleather coat with faux fur liner, ten degree hat tilt, Hardy shirt. He has all the accoutrements and thinks that they somehow make the man. They don’t, Punchy. They make you an asshat.

Horace Dangleballs: I’ll have to go with Pleasy and Tonya. While he and the cuttlefish brothers both have the attributes of the douche, the Squee have that “professional” look to them while Tonya has a rather fetching “come hither” look to her.

bagnonymous: Pleasy represents pure “punch my face” scroteness, whilst Tonya most definitely holds up her end of the “HC” equation, in all of her tight, flexible-limbed, boner-inspiring petiteness.

ehcuodouche: We haven’t had a really good screen wrecker in a while, and Punchy has perfected the face that says, “Yeah, I’ve got obnoxious huge-head hat tilt, garishly colored Ed Hardy, and did you check out the frill on my bomber jacket? Can’t you just hear the stiff just-off-the-rack leather crackling through your speakers? What do you think of that?” Well, Punchy. I think I’m going to punch you in the face, THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN! ARRRRGHHHH! This entry was submitted using a replacement monitor.

Mr. White: I’m going with Pleasy Punch. His sneer shows disdain and contempt for the entire world, which is sad on two levels. For one, he doesn’t know what the words “contempt” and “disdain” even mean, and for two, the universe is supposed to have contempt for YOU, Pleasy, not the other way around.

The Fourth Horseman of the Douchepocalypse: The only pic that induces so much rage that I may “Hulk” out later is Punchmyfacekowitz. He is all that is wrong with the Ohio Club scene right now. EH, 160 degree hat tilt, a jacket that was constructed from a 1972 couch and some fake bunny fur AND, worst of all, the confused look on his face wondering if he starts his shift at Radio Shack at 9am or 1pm tomorrow. All the while ignoring Tonya. Mmmm….tasty, skater, innocent next door Tonya.

Indeed, I’m glad to see you appreciate the leghump factor for girl next door like Tonya, FH of the D. They deserved some Weekly mock. And in a distant third were the classic douchescrotery of the greased up Miami turdpuddles, The Squid Brothers and the Squee Girls:

uscrascal: the ultimate douche-to-hott ratio is personified in the two Squid brothers and three Squee girls picture. there is no denying these guys are supreme douchebags, and the girls are top notch plastic hotts. the other two guys are just a creep and a loser, and their babes need more boobie. Squids ftw!!!

Evil_Readheaded_Stepchild: An intriguing conundrum, but for me the Squid Brothers win the day, steeped as they are in pure douche essence. And I don’t mean Vulva.

the motley douche: the debacle that is SB & SG gets the weekly. There is enough scrote and bleeth in that concoction to make me want to scrub my eyes with comet and a wire brush. But I won’t because, well…that would hurt.

doucheble helix: I’m voting for the boobies. Squeegee Bros and Squee Girls.

clam fist: The Squids for the weekly. They bring the hotts your momma warned you about, but when it comes to hotts, who listens to momma?

Well said voters, but with so few votes for Miami Beach turd, we see the desensitizing effect we’re all experiencing towards classic Douchebaggery. This is troubling, for classic douche will always deserve mock. But lets let Sorta Damocles take us home:

And then there’s Jed. Anyone who is giving this guy a pass is crazy. He is at least 21 and probably closer to 30. And who does the Douchebag hit on? LIttle Penny. Do you think Jed is going to be the kind of caring lover she needs to develop a healthy sex life and positive self image? Only if your definition of “healthy sex life” is her making sure to bleach her little brother’s GI Joe doll that Jed made her steal so he could be sodomized with it while screaming “Yo Joe”!

Jed ispires the most peacful people to violence. Even the Dalai Llama would want to bitch slap Jed.

Jed FTW…..Yuck!

And so they shall. I’m going with the “belly piercing = 18” theory, and lets let this worthy coupling of innocence and cultural crapfest duke it out as our last entry in next week’s Monthly. Good on you, Wankscrote and Penny. The beach is now closed.

And excellent voting round as always, props to all who posted. And the DB1 for Frosted Flakes.

# posted by douchebag1
7:37 am April, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

If you skinned him you’d have barely enough material to make one of these. The worst part is that every time you reached into it for your cash or your driver’s license it would moan and you’d need to wipe your hands with toilet paper.

8:10 am April, 14 doucheblaster said...

I just had a dream. I dreamed of a hot chick called Maureen, and in this dream there was no douchebag. There was only Maureen and that other hottest of hott chicks Cynthia…and me…ofcourse!

Damnit….It was only a dream

8:22 am April, 14 Bagnonymous said...

Most definitely, Jed has crabs. I hope that Penny starts raising these crabs on a steady diet of bread crumbs, then crackers, and slowly moving up to small fruits and maybe even hard cheeses. At this point, the crabs should be large enough to start feeding on Jed. Problem solved.

8:24 am April, 14 Deltus said...

I don’t think killing Jed with fire would be enough. We might have to move him to a remote island and nuke him. You gotta be sure with this one.

8:24 am April, 14 Doo Schnozzle said...

Good thing my two half-votes didn’t cause a tie. 😉

9:39 am April, 14 Scooby Douche said...

I finally figured it out. She how she’s leaning away from him? She went out to the beach with her 2 friends from the freshman class at Kennedy High to get some sun. They see this complete loser on the beach, and she realizes no one back at school will believe this without photo proof. Nervously she approaches and asks for a pose. Little dick quickly complies, because this is as close to a female human as he has been since before Monica sucked off Bill in the Oval Office. (A defining moment in world history, by the way. Some day all of time will be computed from B.M. (Before Monica) and A.M.)

Quick click, she and her giggling friends beat a quick retreat, and little dick beats his little meat.

10:01 am April, 14 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

This douche looks like a bag of medical waste washed up on shore. God knows why she’s smiling.

3:41 pm April, 14 Bagwood Dumbstead said...

I don’t think Wanky Jed has the strength to even pick up the can of Ensure he so desperately needs

9:23 pm April, 14 Stephanie said...

Heroin at the beach?

10:55 pm April, 14 Steve L. said...

hey is this like the first time that i’ve voted with the majority in the last little while?

well, Jed certainly deserved it.

6:16 am April, 16 Dicy said...

Uh oh.. I have the same hat as Penny :/

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