Monday, April 19, 2010

Hipsterbag Harold and Corrie

Hipsterbag Harold drives an ironic yellow VW Bug he named “Herbie.” He uses the built in flower holder to hold his cigarettes, which are always American Spirit.

Once, while crashing on a couch in San Francisco’s Mission District where he was attempting to get gigs with his hip-hop kletzmer band “The Gosselin Eight,” Hipsterbag Harold was hired to write an article for Details on the return of cotton. He did so. But told all his friends he made it all up just to stick it to the Man.

Corrie just got hired as the director of market research for a children’s clothing line. She loves her job, but all her friends say she works to much. So she forced herself to go out to more social events. She met Hipsterbag Harold at a screening of the mumblecore classic, “Lets All Sit Around and Talk About Sex At a Dinner Party.” It was 83 minutes long, but she was still bored.

After the film, Corrie spent four hours listening to Hipsterbag Harold’s theories on why Pacoima is the new Williamsburg. And then got awkwardly fumbled at 2am until she pushed Hipsterbag Harold off of her, went home and finished reading Infinite Jest. Which she thought was overrated.

# posted by douchebag1
12:49 pm April, 19 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I think he just drained the “hot tub” that the dude in the back gave him. She’s just here for the free drinks.

Oh and he lives in the CASTRO district not in the Mission district.

How can Infinite Jest be overrated?

12:55 pm April, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Pacoima may be the new Williamsburg to Harold, but plaid is not the new black, it’s begging to be lit on fire. With an acetylene torch.

12:56 pm April, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Infinite Jest is way underrated
. 98% of the American public wouldn’t be able to get past the first 25 pages.

12:56 pm April, 19 Deltus said...

I’d hot-tub her butt.

OH MY GOD, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!

12:59 pm April, 19 El Queso said...

Everyone in this photo secretly loves Nickelback.

1:09 pm April, 19 doucheywallnuts said...

Is this a variation of the kissy face pose, or do the hipsterbag’s high cheekbones just make it look this way? Actually,, the more I look at him, I think this might be an, “I suck cock,” face.

1:24 pm April, 19 jonezy said...

I’m assuming there’s an Infinite Breast joke to be made, but it too would be overstated.

1:27 pm April, 19 Bagwood Dumbstead said...

A vivid tale, douche1. Maybe you’re suffering a sugar deficiency.

1:34 pm April, 19 clam fist said...

@ Deltus

Before reading the comment posts, I too, never considered peeing in a chicks butt. It never occured to me. After trying it, and learning of it’s proper name, I am happy to report that it is exquisite. Just make sure not to ” top it off”.

1:35 pm April, 19 Bagnonymous said...

Giant rounded forehead? Check. Gargantuan dual-lobed, squared-off chin? Check. Uncontrollable throbbing boner for Corrie, despite all her weird facial quirks? Check!!!

– – – – –

Corrie has two nieces and a nephew–courtesy of her younger brother–all of whom she just adores. But despite being four years older, she herself hasn’t settled down to start a family yet because she has bad luck in dating. And probably because she keeps going on dates with dipshits like Harold.

.

But for now, her bountiful aura of fertility has everyone at the office wondering how completely f*cked in the head she must be that nobody’s offered to put a ring on it yet, at her age…

1:37 pm April, 19 Douche of Hazard said...

I just want to light this guy on fire and kick her in the teeth just for putting her arm around that douche.

1:39 pm April, 19 Bagnonymous said...

PS. I would like more pics of Corrie, please. Preferrably without H.H. in them, in order to be more fwappable. Thanks in advance… and by “advance” I mean prematurely.

1:58 pm April, 19 Evil_Redheaded_Stepchild said...

I presume he calls that one Blue Steel. Corrie: come here, darling. We’ll have girl-talk about how much we dig the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

1:59 pm April, 19 Chad Kroeger said...

EXCUSE THE CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!!!!!!!111

WHO THE FUCK IS TOSH.O? He has usurped this site and I am not drunk enough to deal with it. He looks like a more stupid Dane Cook than Dane Cook.

Please send him the requisite legal threats and if anyone knows where he lives I will kill him. On another note, Oprah is pretending to have been sexually abused 7 times now and I hate my wife for watching her although she will get a violent reaming when the kids go to sleep.

1:59 pm April, 19 Claude Douchenburg said...

Plaid is bad and by bad I mean Corrie is making finger scissors to trump is finger root.

2:09 pm April, 19 Bagnonymous said...

^ I just read the words “finger” and “scissors” and instantly thought of Corrie + the bare-midriffed girl from earlier today mashing themselves against each other.

I now need a wet nap.

2:45 pm April, 19 Fatness said...

Corrie would make perfect mai tais and then join me for sunset. The soft gulf breeze lifting her golden hair just enough to cause a tiny smile.

Hipsterbag Harold would make the perfect traffic cone at a Toyota test range.

2:48 pm April, 19 Just Sayin said...

Nottahipsterbag.

Some kind of bag, but not hipster. If he was a hipster, he’d have retro facial hair and glasses with dark frames. And Corrie would look like a TB patient.

3:12 pm April, 19 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

Blue Steel?

Ferrari?

Le Tigre?

The man’s only got one look? I feel like I’m taking Crazy Pills!

Someone needs to tell this douche that Zoolander is not a documentary.

3:17 pm April, 19 massengill said...

Yeah, this guy is smarmy douche, not a hipster. Nothing about his outward appearance suggests that he only listens solely to demo recordings. He probably listens to Hall & Oates, but semi-ironically.

4:52 pm April, 19 Mr. Biggs said...

Wow man. Nice story. The punchline is this is precisely their story, all the way down to what he thinks of Pacoima. Maybe you can moonlight as one of Miss Cleo’s callers.

5:26 pm April, 19 DarkSock said...

The Infinite Pest

9:46 pm April, 19 Whoop-di-douche said...

Plaidsterbag in Roadster Cap revels in kissyface delight when his cheekbones echo the curve of his cap and the plaid in his shirt shoulders.

Like, hey, a triple-witching hat trick, minus stick and puck.

11:44 pm April, 19 Steve L. said...

whoa this may be DB1’s longest regular post (as in, non-weekly / non-monthly / non-Friday T&L) in the last… well, in a long while.

if Corrie really is a marketing director, i guess she deserves this honor. because female marketing directors are sexy.

male marketing directors, however, are all douchebags. every last one of them. just ask Alex Mijares of Bagpolean fame.

5:55 am April, 20 Tony Ventresca said...

DB1: your imagination is on the spot with these two. If I had a dollar for every person I met just like these two I’d have enough money to buy your site and you.

8:38 am April, 20 Business-Casual Douche said...

I totally nominate Corrie for the hall of hott. Holy crap. I would drive the Exxon-Valdez into Isla Nublar and fight off scores of velociraptors with my bare hands just to smell her used gym socks.

9:10 am April, 20 red said...

pacoima 90210?

1:16 pm April, 20 Anonymous said...

that douchebag’s name is Gene Galassini and he bartends at the Mayan every Friday and Saturday night.

7:34 am April, 21 Les said...

should be “works too much” , douchebag

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