Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hipsterbag Hugo Hits on Sonia

Here’s the thing, Hipsterbag Hugo.  We don’t buy it.  You are not hip.  And you are only vaguely ster.

You may think the retro hat and ‘stache hide the fact that you’re festering douchewater.

They do not.

Pokey chin pubes, lame arm tatts, bling and the low cut d-neck t-shirt all place you firmly in the extended genus of Douchbagus Jerzus.  You cannot hide from epistemological deconstruction simply because you profess a love for Burning Man swag.

Sonia deserves better.  By which I mean me, dressed as an arthritic quaker, massaging her feral hamsters to techno.

# posted by douchebag1
11:00 am April, 7 Douche Unto Others said...

He looks as though he walked in to this local Urban Outfitters, pointed at the window mannequin, and said, “I want to be that guy.”

And that’s no cooler or more dignified than doing the same at… where the fuck it is that these other variety of douches buy all their stupid shit.

11:01 am April, 7 Douche Unto Others said...

*wherever

11:16 am April, 7 DarkSock said...

This dude’s ’87 IROC Camaro has a glove box full o’ ludes.

And because of her unfortunate fondness for said pills, Sonia has a lovebox full o’ dudes.

11:17 am April, 7 ashfish said...

Who really wants to look like a hipster Seth Green? Apparently this guy. I would take the last 20 returns I did and smash his face with them. Then read him this year’s tax guide just to make sure he’s dead.

11:18 am April, 7 creature said...

Hugo has that smug look that says, “Yeah, I can keester a 40 oz”

11:27 am April, 7 Crucial Head said...

His jaw looks as though it was recently removed and replaced with the bucket from a front loader tractor.

11:27 am April, 7 DarkSock said...

Opie, you’re breaking Andy’s heart.

11:29 am April, 7 DarkSock said...

Lennie was the first to get the new scented underarm tattoo by Glade.

Sonia got a similar one that you can’t see, in scratch-n-sniff.

11:29 am April, 7 Vin Douchal said...

That tatt says “Splooge Co.” because he likes spooge. On his leetle moostache.

11:30 am April, 7 DarkSock said...

Reggie’s first day as apprentice fluffer went smoothly until he was caught eating on the job.

11:45 am April, 7 Baleen said...

Hugo forgot to wipe the shit gravy from his upper lip after he sneezed.

11:48 am April, 7 Medusa Oblongata said...

Is it just me, or are we seeing an unprecedented wave of hipsterbags as of late? I can only assume that this is in response to Republic and other clubs instituting a ban on Jerz Guid apparel. Like any respectable virus, the contagion must adapt to survive in a hostle environment. Hipster may be the new Trojan Horse in which douche storms the gates. Let’s hope we have enough collective pee to fill that horse up and drown the occupants.

12:25 pm April, 7 clam fist said...

I really hate these bags. They are far worse than those jersey scrotes.

12:34 pm April, 7 Bagnonymous said...

Kind of a douche, but I really dig what he does in the band, Cake.

1:17 pm April, 7 doucheywallnuts said...

With this look Hipsterbag Hugo will do more damage than Hurricane Hugo…

3:33 pm April, 7 The_Postdouchster_General said...

Isn’t he supposed to be running Robot Chicken?!

Oh wait, I’m thinking of his kid.

4:08 pm April, 7 G said...

Ugh…faces like that, I just want to smack. The skidmarks in my toilet look better.

4:59 pm April, 7 douche bigalow said...

Sonia’s sad puppy dog look, shows her desire for me to rescue her from Hugo the anemic douche.

7:05 pm April, 7 Deltus said...

So sad, to see Opie fall so far.

8:07 pm April, 7 Mahatma Gandouche said...

Hugo just told Sonia he scored a backstage pass to the Impotent Scrote Monkees concert at Club Noir.

9:11 pm April, 7 Anthony Bourdouche said...

I drove to the club in an $80,000 BMW. Hipsterbag Hugo, how’d you get here…a fixed gear bicycle with Sonia sitting on the handlebars?

9:57 pm April, 7 creature said...

^ if that’s the case, I prefer his ride

11:57 pm April, 7 Steve L. said...

so this is why southern hipsterbags are worse than urban hipsterbags…

2:44 pm April, 8 fantagor said...

Nothing says hott lure like Ted Knight’s grandpa hat from “Caddyshack” and a recreation of the affects of Agent Orange on foliage…I mean a mustache.

4:54 pm April, 8 Douches Wild said...

A withering enemic sprout of a douche, highly unlikely to ascend in the douche firmaments to any noteworthy status.

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