Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Melanie and the Suckerfish

The editors at Harper Collins can’t figure out why their latest children’s book, Melanie and the Suckerfish, hasn’t caught on with the kids yet.

# posted by douchebag1
2:20 pm April, 21 colossus of choads said...

the “lesser balding suckerfish” I might add.

2:33 pm April, 21 jonezy said...

They probably had editing problems with using the word douche, much like this recent instance of black pepper folly

2:40 pm April, 21 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Melanie demonstrates the appropriate way to immobilize the suckerfish, with a hard smack to the testicles.

2:45 pm April, 21 clam fist said...

Making fun of ‘tards ain’t cool.

2:54 pm April, 21 Scroteophobic said...

Dear Harper Collins

Your new book tanked because its lead character made everyone who read it sodomise a baby seal with an oiled up kitten. Kids who hadn’t read the trial copies but had merely been told about it needed treatment for trauma. People who had breathed the air that the book had been in required hospitalisation. I could go on. But I hope that you have worked out what I am trying to say.

PS. I’ve seen horses being peed in that didn’t pull a face this bad. Hell, I’ve peed in horses and not made a face this bad. This one time a horse I was peeing in turned out to have some sort of explosive combination of flatulence, constipation and diarrhoea that was triggered by my actions in a spectacular way. Even when I was picking myself up from the stable floor, covered in liquid shit and with an inside out penis, I didn’t pull a face this bad.

PPS. Hypothetically. I mean about the horses. I’d like to point out that there is no evidence to link me to any horse-hot-tub scene of crime. And the above PS is not an admission of guilt. It is all hypothetical. Stop judging me!

2:54 pm April, 21 Douche of Hazard said...

My eyes… hurt. can’t see, can’t typeuodia…. too much pain djfdifuadufiaopo ahahahah

3:01 pm April, 21 Crucial Head said...

With each kneading, downward tug, Myrna milked the last remnants of Buford’s extra chromosomes into her handbag.

3:02 pm April, 21 Crucial Head said...

In one fell, wrenching motion, each of Marvin’s eyeballs were dispensed through his urethra and into the ravenous grasp of his famished mate.

3:03 pm April, 21 Crucial Head said...

“C’mon honey, one more push and the last gall stone will pass.”

3:04 pm April, 21 Crucial Head said...

Horace’s grimace belied the fact that the razor had snagged a taint hair.

.

.

Again.

3:07 pm April, 21 Evil_Redheaded_Stepchild said...

Oh yeah, I’ve seen the time-lapse photographs of this event; basically the guy pulls a house-at-the-end-of-Poltergeist move. This is just the first phase.

Also: I approve of the redhead quotient of this picture. A happy cannibal am I…

3:09 pm April, 21 Anon said...

NOOOOOO! get to da choppa!

3:20 pm April, 21 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I thinks she’s trying to pull his taint back down after someone reached down his neck and pulled it inside out through his mouth. Good luck with that one Big (fake) Red.

3:29 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

I think Mrs.Kroeger must finish cooking for my kids on the BBQ while I cook my head in my unlit gas range. This guy is poo and she is his cousin. If you look closely her purse is made from a possum carcass like the one I hit today with my vintage 1981 Escort LX.The strap is from the trailer swag lamp chain. Her dress is made from a tent I left in the infield at Daytona in 2003. His name is Earl. Her name is Cumdumpster.

The valium and Tequila are not working. Perhaps I have to go back on Everclear 95 to desensitize myself from the neighbours with the shitty dogs.

I am selling my house and moving north to ski country with the associated French assholes and great food. There will be many douchebags the closer I get to Montreal.

I may have to kill Noel Gallagher and Chris Martin to end my rage before I begin dealing with the slow death of my parents. Maybe I should just get rid of Mrs. Kroeger’s mother and jump into the cold, cold, lonely lake.

And fuck the Queen. Will she ever die? At least the Olympic dude died and that brings me some bitter cheer.

What the hell is baleen’s avatar a picture of? And fuck Earth Day I’m leaving the cars running for the next 30 hours and cutting the lawn 10 times. Have a great night mockers. I need rest.

3:40 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

Supper plans have changed. I love tagliatelli with sardines, proscuito, salt and cracked black people. Some of the ingredients have been drying in the basement. Thank for the recipe Jonesy.

3:47 pm April, 21 DarkSock said...

With one violent downward yank on Joe’s canteloupe-sized distended testicles Melanie proved that ball nerves are indeed connection to facial muscles.

3:48 pm April, 21 DarkSock said...

Chad Kroeger is somehow related to Llaemmmeah; of this I’m sure.

3:49 pm April, 21 DarkSock said...

Melanie Moorehead: Queen and Star of http://www.peeonmyvintagemidcenturyfurniture.com

3:53 pm April, 21 DarkSock said...

Melanie and Karl first met at the annual “Symposium of Pool Diving and Intake Sump Mishap Victims”; it was love at first sight.

3:54 pm April, 21 DarkSock said...

Melanie Peewright: Owner and sole proprietor of “Purse Urinal Rentals Inc.”.

4:12 pm April, 21 scrotum pole said...

Tomorrow I will perform my traditional Earth Day celebration.

I will send a burnt offering to the gods, by dousing a set of steel -belted radials in diesel fuel and lighting them afire.

I’ll then sob, face down in a juniper bush until the fire department arrives.

4:14 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

@Vin Douchal

Would love to mock and drink my sorrows away in Vegas. Unfortunately I was drinking too much to numb the pain of a compound fracture suffered on the most awesome ski day in Lake Placid and the pardon is still in the works. I am persona non grata at the border. They don’t like my big head either.

4:19 pm April, 21 scrotum pole said...

@ Chad 3:40,

I’d rethink that.

Salted, cracked black people are very high in cholesterol and sodium.

4:24 pm April, 21 massengill said...

That’s the Predator ‘bag

4:24 pm April, 21 massengill said...

Seriously, that’s what the Predator looks like when he takes his mask off.

4:48 pm April, 21 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

She’s a very delectable Hott. He appears to be related to Popeye. This is very wrong.

5:03 pm April, 21 El Queso said...

I believe it was Blaise Pascal who first posited:

“Is a VIP Room really a VIP Room if it’s in The Bronx or Detroit?”

5:56 pm April, 21 Bigphatnotadouche said...

I believe she is yanking his chain.

Or she is the predator in disguise and pulling out his spine.

Either way he’s not going to GET SOME.

5:58 pm April, 21 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Flea’s “special” sibling pulls poon.

6:07 pm April, 21 Scooby Douche said...

Here’s a question for all you tech experts out there:

Is there some way to make the right side of the photo less blurry while making the left side more blurry?

Is there some way to digitally remove her clothes?

6:44 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

@scrotum pole

Thank you for your concern regarding my diet. I took my hypertension pill and a massive dose of Omega 3’s. The salted, cracked black people are excellent with Polish sardines but the salted meat was a litttle much,

On a sidenote perhaps I shouldn’t care what I eat now that my stupid government is forcing all schools which receive any public funding to teach transgender and homosexual issues in grade three. My wife may need the insurance money for private school. Cocksuckers.

6:55 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

And what the fuck do I have Annie Lennox the dyke on my office tv for. Oh , American Idol. Fucck. Kelli Clarkson!!! Colbert should be on soon to make me laugh the Catholic bastard.

7:02 pm April, 21 Dicy said...

My theory: invisible butt rape. And he likes it.

7:04 pm April, 21 Dicy said...

Or maybe he’s never had a girl’s hand that close too his crotch.

7:07 pm April, 21 Dicy said...

No, I’ve got it! He’s recalling that one time he saw Darksock pee in a horse’s butt and he’s wishing it had been him.

    7:59 pm April, 21 DarkSock said...

    @ Dicy:

    if only he’d played his cards right…he coulda been my PeePee Pony….not in a ghey way but like two Vikings…so confident in their Norse heritage that it just would have been so…natural. It’s coming out wrong…DON’T JUDGE ME JUDGE SCROTEOPHOBIC!!! DUDE-FAG!

7:10 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

I should have changed the channel before I went for a shit. I just saw Mary J. Blidge, Richie Sambora, Elton John, the fat judge, Lita Ford or Nancy Wilson, and Travis Barker butcher the greatest song of all time. John Bonham is drinking heavily wherever he is. I will continue with him because he just entered the room.

It’s probably on youtube if you want to burn your eyes and ears out and get electonic syphillis. What a shitty day started by Jed the freak and his sweet pre-pubescent photo op.

8:12 pm April, 21 Steve L. said...

as someone with the cognitive and emotional faculties of an 8 year old, i can safely tell you that if it doesn’t look like Pokemon, it won’t work on half of the kids.

Raichu, zap the Suckerfish to a crisp!

8:21 pm April, 21 Chad Kroeger said...

Dicy has a nice rack.

Dark Sock you confuse my recently tortured mind with your whimsical wordsmithing.

Someone’s dog shit on my dog’s shit. So I peed on the dog.

I see dead people. Particularly the tasty cracked black one’s someone put in my basement. And I have a unholy attraction to the seeing dead people dudes sister on Hannah Montana.

8:58 pm April, 21 Dicy said...

@Darksock

I don’t judge you. I can identify with your Viking thoughts… but in a less homoerotic way. Actually, I identify in a slightly confused way. But I’m trying to understand.

9:49 pm April, 21 Baron Von Goolo said...

I see at least two things in this picture that one could ascribe a fart noise to.

10:08 pm April, 21 Whoop-di-douche said...

She bends over as if she is used to living in a Yellow Submarine, and his is the mouth of the remora attached to the shark.

Both are suitable for re-immersion into the deep dark ocean and out of our sight.

10:22 pm April, 21 Baleen said...

@ Chad Kroeger 3:29

.

It’s a picture of a fucking prime rib being carved, probably from the fifties.

.

P.S. Please bang some black tar heroin and go to bed fer chrissakes! You need the sleep. Peace.

6:06 am April, 22 mr.reeve said...

Bend over and stick it out Melanie made Suckerfish go lemon face by letting him take her lemon drop shot. OOOOHHHH!!!!!

http://theproblemwithmentoday.blogspot.com/2010/04/talks-too-loud-on-cell-phone-guy.html

6:32 am April, 22 Mr. Bagoo said...

The man in the yellow dress scares the hell out of me.

6:41 am April, 22 Tony Ventresca said...

Guys, this is a comments section not a personal blog. If this is the best we can do, then standards are slipping.

Yellow Girl looks dangerous.

6:42 am April, 22 scotalicous said...

front kick to the faaaace. Bas Rutten style.

6:49 am April, 22 boatbutter said...

She wins my Newbery Award….I’d Ramona all over her Quimby anyday.

7:19 am April, 22 Deltus said...

If his face keeps imploding like that, we’d have some douche concentrate to deal with. Will regular douchebag cleanup protocols handle such an event?

7:39 am April, 22 Dicy said...

@Deltus

Methinks not. Extra precautionary measures will need to be taken as he has risen scrote levels due to suckerfish face. We may lose many hunters/huntresses to the effort.

12:18 pm April, 22 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Dear God, his anus is prolapsing out his nose. Extreme first aid must be applied via pick axe and the liberal application of nitric acid.

6:29 pm April, 22 Douchelips said...

Yuck! Worst Douchelips ever!

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