Monday, April 12, 2010

Reader Mail: I'm the Biggest Douche of All

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your writing is kinda funny and all, but still, cmon man, youre the biggest duche of all for being so jealous. thats all i’m saying. admit it, am i right? duche. take your stupid site off.

– Rod

—-

Yeah, but it’s still cheaper than the $1 douche burger at Burger King. And has less calories, too.

# posted by douchebag1
1:19 pm April, 12 John McenDouche said...

Rod. That name is so undeniably accurate.

His grade 2 sentence structure does strike one important question: Can you take a stupid site off? And, if so, what do you take it off of?

I must meditate on this.

1:21 pm April, 12 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

Takes one to one Rod. Next time you are out at a bar drinking water like a pussy jump-off, take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself “Would I pee in a horse?”

1:22 pm April, 12 soy bomb said...

Whelp, looks like the jig is up. Rod figured it all out. And DB1 had just launched the 2.0 site, for shame! Time to jumpoff, I guess. Wow. Just wow.

1:23 pm April, 12 Anonymous 3:16 said...

Rod – slang for dick, as far as I can tell. Now confirmed. Criticism instantly = jealousy.

1:29 pm April, 12 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

yeah DB1 cmon. i mean really. just take the site off.

.

cause Rod said so.

1:43 pm April, 12 DarkSock said...

There’s only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s websites, and the Duche.

1:46 pm April, 12 Deltus said...

Here I thought we were mocking the douche and lusting for the hott because we were fighting the good fight against the spread of the Virus. Turns out, we’re just jealous. Well dammit, my entire world has been made topsy-turvy!

But Rod here, he’d rather light a candle than curse the darkness. He’s shown us the way. Thank you, Rod, for your insight and wisdom. Will you be creating a site called Hot Chicks With Awesome Gangstas You’re Jealous Of then?

1:52 pm April, 12 End the Haberdouchery said...

Rod, I mean, come on, it’s like, all I’m sayin’ is that you’re a doorknob, that’s all I’m sayin’. Do the world a favor and take off your internet connection.

1:53 pm April, 12 Erik said...

Obviously this guy might be too young to remember Disco demolition night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpQfCcsqQ0E

1:56 pm April, 12 Deltus said...

@DarkSock: wasn’t that Mussolini’s nickname? El Duche?

1:59 pm April, 12 Erik said...

Here is a better link for Disco Demolition night with Keith Olberman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8a_hBR9YuNw

2:01 pm April, 12 DarkSock said...

@ Deltus

I think this is actually the name of the new BK vinegar burger. Comes with a side of water.

2:18 pm April, 12 mjanavel said...

@End the Haberdouchery

Be careful. If he’s a doorknob he might come off in your hand.

2:19 pm April, 12 Sad Party Karaoke Robot said...

I think I found The Rod’s brother Steve

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=48681

2:25 pm April, 12 Wedgie said...

Rod. One of my least favorite names. But still better than Lance.

Fag.

2:34 pm April, 12 clam fist said...

I agree, yo !

I am a stone cold hatter

2:35 pm April, 12 Bagnonymous said...

Rod’s taking this whole “don’t type in all CAPS” thing a little too strictly. It’s okay, Rod–proper nouns and the first letter in a sentence or quotation can be capitalized without looking like a duche. Er… make that douche.

.

Speaking of grammar, I present the following:

.

You suck, Rod!

You suck rod!

.

Both are true.

2:37 pm April, 12 Bagnonymous said...

I also see that Rod also suffers from “selective apostrophe disease (SAD).” I hope that, one day, doctors may cure him of this horrible disease.

.

Yours truly,

The Grammar Nazi

2:56 pm April, 12 Mr. Bagoo said...

Take it off, big boy.

Take it off for ol’ Rod.

3:17 pm April, 12 Luke said...

I, myself, find it funny when people repeatedly spell words wrong that happen to be right in front of them. He is writing to DoucheBag1, who happens to run HotChicksWithDoucheBags.com and still manages to spell Douche wrong not once, but twice!

Duche out!

Luke

3:22 pm April, 12 El Caganer said...

The only name worse than Rod is Ned.

All Neds are assholes.

3:29 pm April, 12 El Queso said...

DANG! I knew there was something off about this site. DB1 IS just a jealous hatter!

Not since Aristotle climbed out of Plato’s Cave, and by cave I mean rectal vault, and saw the light of real day, has there been a more profound realization.

It doesn’t matter that you’re a high-school dropout, Rod. I’m positive your 1-dimensional description of DB1 is entirely fitting; so you’d never need the other dimensions anyway.

3:30 pm April, 12 Douche bigalow said...

There once was a douche named Rod

Who had an orange glow to his bod

Despite having Hardy, hair gel and bling

He was still missing one thing

That was a hottie who would tolerate his spiked snod

3:35 pm April, 12 Fat, Drunk, and Douchey said...

I took my stupid site off once but then I felt self conscious and I put it back on.

.

.

Wow. Just wow.

3:50 pm April, 12 Troy Tempest said...

Rod,

You are a stupid fuckwit. Back slowly away from the computer, and unplug it directly before you can do any more damage to yourself or the noosphere. Then take your computer and heave it out the window, so you won’t be temped to use it again.

Once you have removed your computer from your home, I recommend you practice choking on your own tongue. But tell us all when. You see, it kind of hurts to do that, but it’s fun to watch.

3:56 pm April, 12 soy bomb said...

@EL Queso.

You spelled it wrong, bro…It’s “jellus hatter”.

.

Otherwise, carry on.

4:05 pm April, 12 Chad Kroeger said...

I am a PB@J hatter. That doesn’t make sense. I need more drugs.

4:07 pm April, 12 The_Postdouchster_General said...

Wut a ponce! Im giving him a stage 1 just for his shitty grammar and presentation.

Fail.

4:34 pm April, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Duche.

.

.

.

.

Hm.

.

.

.

Jealous.

Not like we might mock because these Douchebags are choads or anything. It’s not all about us, Rod.

4:40 pm April, 12 Merle Baggard said...

Dammit, my real name is Rod. This sucks. But at least it’s Rodrick, not Rodney. But still, this sucks

4:56 pm April, 12 Deltus said...

Is it just me, or is anyone else curious as to what a $1 Douche Burger from BK tastes like?

4:59 pm April, 12 Douches Wild said...

The biggest tool i ever knew was a guy named Lance, who changed his name to Rod because he thought it would be cooler. Once lance changed his name to Rod he became noticeably stupider, and his ability to spell and write coherently disappeared. Coincidence? I think NOT.

5:25 pm April, 12 melvil duchi said...

Rod Munch munch rod

6:05 pm April, 12 Holla McBalla said...

I think Rod should be thinking about all the brain damage he suffered from playing football or whatever stupid sport he played. I would even go as far as to say that he probably lives at home with his parental units because he can’t get a job or even write correctly. Go back to school you dolt. Oh wait, even if you did go to school you still won’t be able to learn anything because they don’t teach caveman. What a DOLT. Look it up if you know how.

6:45 pm April, 12 Albert Eindouche said...

I am totally jealous of the fact that Rod is a douchebag…

9:46 pm April, 12 Wheezer said...

The Doucheburger is overloaded with grease and cheese but contains very little meat. It’s the antithesis of the Whopper or the Big Mac.

.

Rod shows signs of hope: “your” and “youre” instead of “ur” and “jealous” instead of “jelous.” Overall, however, he has a few shortcomings. He needs to fist pump the shit out of a grammar book and get his spelling and capitalization skills more swole. And GET SOME education on the apostrophes!

.

.

.

.

(Yeah, I know others already said this, but I’m just now jumping off Shithouse’s coattails. It’s fun.)

10:37 pm April, 12 A-Douche-Ron-Ron said...

Oh, Rod (stump?)…

Did your performance bonus at Uncle Vito’s paint store come up a little short? Couldn’t afford the last 3 Hooked on Phonics DVD’s?

Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have your own TV show too someday.

Now shake your shit and get Daddy a gallon of Velvet Ivory and a 4-pack of 12″ rollers from the back.

11:37 pm April, 12 Albert Eindouche said...

You go Rod (haha…His name is Rod, like a penis. You know…Penis/Rod…Get it…Good)! This site is an abomination. In turn, it gives me something to do all day besides get a job and a life. If it were taken down I could no longer stare in jealousy at the magnificent specimens of *cough* “manhood” that grace (and I use grace in the very broadest sense) these pages and wonder what it would be like to be able to afford 4lbs of hair gel a day. I could then procure gainful employment and buy 4lbs of gel a day. Then you could put it back up and I could be on it. Brilliant…

11:59 pm April, 12 The HinDouche said...

Sad as it is. It is undeniable that the DB1 is afflicted by jealousy (they do have all the hot chicks) seeing his hyperactive sex drive. Nothing else can make anyone take up mocking other people as some sort of full time profession.

The moolah must be good though.

And if you lot really have some sense of superiority to all these idiots, then you are just as sad as them.

12:26 am April, 13 Steve L. said...

@ HinDouche 11:59

you don’t need a sense of superiority to call bullshit on douchebaggery.

and calling bullshit is an important function in this cultural morass that we live in.

y’know why?

because useless pieces of shit like you don’t have it in you to do it. so somebody else has to.

12:43 am April, 13 Steve L. said...

all this talk of Rod and doucheburgers is just begging for Soylent Green references.

i mean, yeah, no one would want to touch a doucheburger made of Rod, but the thought of putting Rod through an industrial strength meat grinder…

sorry. i’m just an evil fuck.

3:16 am April, 13 green said...

i still can’t believe you guys think these women are “hot”. they are douchebags, how hot is a douchebag?

5:39 am April, 13 boatbutter said...

@ green

I think you meant to log onto this blog.

7:05 am April, 13 Bagnonymous said...

@ Deltus, 4:56pm

It’s not so much the taste of the burger that would concern me, but rather what’s in the “special sauce.”

8:45 am April, 13 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

This weekend my older son helped me put another sprinkler valve and line in at the old Scrotato compound. My younger son and I played some basketball and watched the second season of Arrested Development until about 2:00 in the morning. Mrs. Scrotato Head and I went out for dinner, a movie, and a little late night slap-slap. Now I’m prepping for three days of labor contract negotiations in upper Wisconsin.

Jealous? Of douchebags? What they have, in their single synapse quest for the next f*ck, the next drink, the next thing, is a vapor of a shadow of a fleeting image out of the corner of your eye compared to the substance, both good and bad, that is my real life. And I mock their self destruction with reckless abandon because what they do is simply absurd to the most extreme.

9:11 am April, 13 Mr. Biggs said...

Rule #1 on insults? Don’t use the insult your opponent coined on them. You call db1 a douche and you may as well stand in the toilet and flush while you say it.

9:43 am April, 13 DarkSock said...

Rod is hurt because the photo is an assault on the franchise he hopes to achieve assistant managerial status at one day. Decade. Whatever. Hey Rod if Butthead can do it so can you. Unless you’re a Beavis.

11:51 am April, 13 Sorta Damocles said...

The A.1 Stackhouse costs more than $1 but is as much meat as will fit between two buns….and Stackhouse would know. Get the combo so you can fist pump the shit out of some curly fries. GET SOME!!!

1:58 pm April, 16 Astral Weeks said...

Take your stupid site off….

…. like it’s THAT easy.

Sheesh.

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