Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ask DB1: Russell Brand

—–

DB1,

First off, could you please do a full-tilt analysis of the Grieco known as Russell Brand? I was wandering Borders when I was infected by the ooze of his book, My Booky Wook, which should really be titled “I get pussy and you dont nyah nyah.”

Ugh, if anybody is a poster boy for douchebag posing, he’s it.

– Mr. Biggs

—-

Russell Brand is a key celebubag to our present historical moment, and you are correct to mark him as mock worthy, Mr. B.

Brand’s stratagem of douche is the incorporation of self deprecation as the tool of reframing his ego and narcissism. He is “Mystery” + humor, and thus, an important development in our war.

Brand wants to have his douche cake and gel it too. As such, we must mock with an increasingly sarcastic linguistic response. Playing off his own “persona” in comedies does not excuse the inherent doucheyness therein. It only couches it in irony as an attempt to get away with it.

Katy Perry, a stage 4 Bleeth is, on the other hand, about as alluring as a crotch blender set on “puree.” So perhaps it all evens out in the end.

# posted by douchebag1
9:15 am May, 27 creature said...

he makes money by making people laugh… I pass

9:21 am May, 27 Bag Margera said...

ehhh… He is a watered down limey howard stern, who somehow started making movies. He’s got a Chris Angel thing going on, and he needs to cover up his Austin Powers chest hair… The thing is this douche was apparantly sexually abused as a child. No way does he get rockstar leniency, but I’m wondering if there is an Abused as a Child Rule (ACR).

9:24 am May, 27 DarkSock said...

If this post is about Russell Brand then why do you have a picture of Keira Knightley standing next to Kate Perry?

9:28 am May, 27 Euripidouche said...

props to russell brand for showing up to his then job at mtv-england on sept 12 2001, dressed as osama bin laden….when everyone else was screaming about how no one could have seen this coming, and didn’t know who was responsible….

douchey, yes offensive, yeah, but it did cut to the point, so i am inclined to temper my disdain for his ability to cut through a lot of the bullshit, and be right on point about the hoocoodanode game in real time.

9:41 am May, 27 Merle Baggard said...

Agreed on Katy Perry. Her winning the hottest woman of the year in ’10 was a bigger travesty than Bush/Gore in ’00. She’s god awful.

9:52 am May, 27 Vin Douchal said...

Brand : Douche away, mate. Moments of comedy, lots of honesty and let’s face it Katy Perry is not that bad looking so good on him. Especially in comparison to say, Lady Gaga. FUCK! I hate saying, typing or generally acknowledging that some cuntrag has the nerve to call herself “Lady”. And the Gaga thing is flat out beyond stupid. What’s next, “Sir Fluffy Bunny”?

Katy Perry : Nice rack, beautiful eyes, hit songwriter. Bleeth away

No complaints here in Fontucky.

9:57 am May, 27 my friends call me @$$hole said...

i don’t care how shitty her music is, and it IS, i wanna’ cum inside katy perry so hard that russll brand gets pregnant

russell brand… what is russell who, and i’ll take i couldn’t give a fuck less even if i did know who the fuck he was for 500, alex… oh look, it’s the daily double

10:09 am May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

No, Chevy Chase makes people laugh, Noam Chomsky has daring political insights, and any number of people show up on Oprah every week talking about their abusive childhood. And yet none of these people feels the need to accompany it by looking like some Victorian Pompadour stooge.

But heck, if that’s how you feel? If I tell you a joke about BP, can I nail your girlfriend till she’s too old and ugly to be desirable?

10:16 am May, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I believe Brand said it best himself in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”: “I would rather have my testicles spread out like a wafer and then have them covered in a layer of honey and then have wasps come and sting me and then have them covered in another layer of vinegar and then have it worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi. I’d rather have that than spend another (moment thinking about him or who he’s fucking). ” The paraphrase is my own in the parentheses.

10:20 am May, 27 creature said...

Mr. Biggs…

that’d have to be one funny joke!

Adam Sandler & Jason Segel (both solid cats) think enough of the guy to put him in their flicks (they have that control) he’s probably alright

dresses like a kook (so does Prince- wierdo not douche), but, probably also part of his britbag character

10:29 am May, 27 Bagnonymous said...

I dunno, folks… Katy is pretty goddamn cute–and not far off from Zooey Deschanel (a HCwDB favorite), if I do say so myself.

.

Dude’s kind of limey and annoying, but f*cking lucky.

10:41 am May, 27 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Russell Brand is this generation’s Pauly Shore.

.

I need to go microwave my hands now.

11:05 am May, 27 tall guy said...

Brand? Ugh! Never liked him. Along with Robbie Williams, Kate Moss (who, though a skinny arsed drug fiend, is porkable) the tasteless English masses applaud these rebels-without-a-clue types. Kate Perry. Nice rack with a face made for facials.

11:10 am May, 27 anonymous said...

I gotta give him an honorary notta for having a horrible early life, according to wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russell_Brand#Early_life

11:10 am May, 27 DarkSock said...

Katy Perry jacked off a circus bear into a bottle of Palmolive detergent once.

.

True Story.

11:11 am May, 27 Ex Douche Machina said...

Russell Brand: needs to do something very funny, very fast, lest he falls with blinding speed into the ‘flash in the pan’ category.

Katy Perry: bleeth? Naww. The world’s most expensive cheescake? More likely. She is finer than a cat hair split three ways and can probably squeeze most guys off with her amazing delicious cheeks in under 2 minutes.

I say Russell’s a mack no matter how silly he acts or dresses, purely for tagging a super-hottie who is clearly on acid most of the time.

11:13 am May, 27 ehcuodouche said...

Those two potatoheads were made for each other. They’re the D-list Beckham and Posh.

11:15 am May, 27 Euripidouche said...

@darksock

bearcum?, you’re soaking in it.

11:17 am May, 27 Turdacious said...

id bang her, not sayin much

but just sayin

11:22 am May, 27 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Katy Perry once smacked Russel Brand across his schnozz with a see-thru purple jellydong not once…but twice…causing his mucal contents to expel themselves all over her chesticles…which, given the chance, I’d collect it to fuel my airplane I just build by using a safety pin, chewing gum, a rubber band, garbage bags, and some duct tape.

’cause I’m MacGuyverish like that.

11:23 am May, 27 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

^^^*built*…stupid hangovers…ugh

11:26 am May, 27 jabbathebagger said...

I’d kiss Katy Perry, and I’d like it.

11:49 am May, 27 Scroteophobic said...

Perry is ultra-annoying. Three minutes into an interview with her and I could hear the microphone trying to hang itself. She can look all right but between irritating faux-lesbian songs and shitty not-even-a-sixteen-year-old-would-laugh innuendoes she neatly cuts herself out of the hott category.

.

Brand is a dick. Plain and simple. Even when he is funny he doesn’t make up for the irritating persona he puts on, his fucking aggravating habit of switching between egotist and whiny bitch and most of all his hair. He hasn’t been doing it do much recently but I will never forget his just-pulled-out-of-an-emu hairstyle.

.

They are welcome to each other and I hope they are very happy. So happy that they decide to buy a tropical island and retreat there to spend all their remaining days with each other. And most importantly away from me or any form of data transfer system I am linked to.

.

I cannot forgive my homeland for serving up this frilly shirt wearing ultra-twat. I am sorry, America, but he is yours now. You took him, you get to keep the git.

11:55 am May, 27 Crucial Head said...

Meh.

.

Not on the same level as Dane Cook or Adam Douchewitz – but a douche nonetheless. Like Bag Margera said, he’s a second or third rate Howard Stern.

12:03 pm May, 27 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Is having to google ‘Russel Brand’ to find out who the hell he was a good thing or a bad thing?

12:13 pm May, 27 Mr. White said...

In some long-ago college psych class, I learned about something called the Fundamental Mis-attribution Theory. In a nutshell, it states that sometimes primal emotions can be hard to properly identify by the person experiencing them, and people experiencing them can confuse one emotional state for another. In one study, they had one group of guys meet a female research assistant in the middle of a quad, and a different group of guys meet her on a rickety suspension footbridge near campus. The guys in the bridge group consistently rated the girl more attractive than the other group, and according to theory, it’s because some of their fear of heights is mis-attributed to sexual arousal.

Why did I type all that? Because my rage over having heard Katy Perry’s pointless song (does she have more than one) and once seeing her blather on like an idiot in an interview makes me want to fuck her even more, or at least in a more degrading fashion than I would normally.

Have I said too much?

12:16 pm May, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Mr. White

.

No, continue good sir. *put fingers in ears* LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA

12:17 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Creature, I’m thinking a joke with the original humor of Carlos Mencia and the penetrating insight of Whoopi Goldberg. Has my point been made?

Oh, and imagine me doing it with Whoopi Goldberg’s hair.

12:19 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Mr White, noting you can say could be worse than the toxic he spews. Why oh why did I even agree to see “Forgettig Sarah Marshalll”? His hair alone makes wormholes in my brain.

12:47 pm May, 27 Bag Margera said...

I only bring up the Abused as a Child Leniency Rule because I’m not really sure about it. I personally don’t believe that being abused as a child is a good enough excuse to grow up and abuse others, so I’m not sure if it’s a good enough excuse to be an obnoxious hairy ass-hat. At the very least I’d rather he just up, and stay out of my sight.

1:20 pm May, 27 Deltus said...

No ACLR. Lots of people had shit childhoods. It doesn’t forgive or excuse you being a twatwaffle the rest of your life.

Katy is great for fantasizing about a titty-fuck, because she does have some nice jugs on her. Other than that, though, she’s heavy Bleeth, probably past the point of saving.

1:53 pm May, 27 mr.reeve said...

I hate him, his movies and his comedy. Fuck off and get on a boat back to the UK fuck nut!

Perry can eat an all natural 100% tube steak smothered in underwear and use some Proactive to clean her cratered face after it blows all over it.

3:08 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

You know what, I’ll take Dean Cook over this guy. Yes, Cook’s comedy has been accurately described as for the stagnant-brained frat college grad circuit. At least he’s not flamboyantly doucherific. At least he would blend in reasonably well in a random crowd of frat pud at Hermosa Beach pier.

As for Adam Sandler putting him in his movies, keep this in mind. Adam Sandler doesn’t actually make movies. His agents make movies, make the character that fits his image, then tell him to do his SNL shctick for two hours. I think South Park made this expose.

And I say this because Brand now has the “mystic get laid” persona that he’s pumping out into movies and books like so much spooge. I started seeing this come out in movies like “Girl Next Door” or “Hitch” where the douchebag tells the innocent nerdy boy can get his sloppy seconds.

And that would be the death blow to our culture. Where the douchebag, having achieved confident monopoly over the women, feels like he has the moral wisdom to tell the rest of us how to live our lives. As if he wasn’t getting laid over some well-played fraud.

Because every woman knows, no man would lie just to get laid, would he?

I’ll stop now.

3:27 pm May, 27 Lurking DungBeatle said...

I see your point Mr. Biggs. On the other hand, it is somewhat heartwarming to see ugly, unfit guys like Russell and Stern rise from obscurity, make a few people laugh and score a blow against the Jerz ‘bags who offer nothing to society and people like Dane Cook who can get chicks just by his looks alone.

.

You may not like the humor of Stern and Brand (which would be funny because their humor is tame compared to the comments on this website), but they do make many others laugh with their schtick.

.

Not saying Russell ain’t a douche – just that we can call pretty much every entertainer a douche at some in their lives.

4:01 pm May, 27 Fatness said...

Who?

4:13 pm May, 27 lucious lupus john said...

i always thought he was trying to personify “drug dealer danny” from the movie “withnail and i”

4:29 pm May, 27 TK said...

That’s idiotic. If you take your time to watch his specials you will realize he’s actually very smart, very flamboyant, but not a douche, because unlike a douche he is aware of how he is perceived.

4:42 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Like I said, there’s plenty of comedians out there who can be funny and insightful without the herp sore in the eye Brand provides. If a waiter served me steak with a huge turd on top, I’m not going to sit there and debate how well it was cooked, sorry.

And if comedians like Bill Hicks are dead and Steve Martin is stuck doing “family comedy” it’s because of just how far the toxic sheen of grieco spew has killed the gulf of our culture.

5:14 pm May, 27 lurker said...

Kate Perry is a cutie, so why do you say she isn’t alluring?

5:26 pm May, 27 h8r said...

As a Brit living in the US I am frustrated, saddened and ashamed that Brand is “making it” over here. The guy is an idiot and had to resign from the BBC for leaving voicemails about how he fu$&ed someone’s daughter. Ooh how hilarious! How witty and clever! I’ve never heard an I fu$&ed your relative joke……Douche.

As for Perry I am ambivalent. She is meh.

5:40 pm May, 27 Merchant of Meth said...

The Osama routine right after 9/11 was genius and earns an auto non-douche for eternity. He was 10 times more witty and clever than EVERY SINGLE comedian and political politico-comedians like Bill Maher or John Stewart. While everyone else was shitting their knickers and gearing up to bomb the shit out of anyone wearing a turbin, Russell Brand was fucking you up the ass.

Word.

6:00 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Okay, rather than carry this debate ad infinitum (which to me is like debating evolution or a heliocentric solar system) I offer all Brand’s defenders to go see his latest movie. F it – I’ll split the cos of your ticket with db1 if he is so inclined.

If you don’t want to gouge your eyes out by the time you’re out that movie theater…

6:10 pm May, 27 Lurking DungBeatle said...

I know Turtle Boy will be stopping by shortly, but if making movies that you think are unfunny, then we should also include Steve Martin on that list for making The Father of the Bride debacles and that ultra douchie movie with that fat x-rapper chick. I would never equate Brand with Martin, but I don’t think Martin’s done anything funny for more than a decade. Plus he’s balding. Does that make him a douche now? No way Jose.

By the way, have YOU seen his latest movie, or are you excersizing a predisposed opinion and applying it like a wet-blanket? Just cur.

6:17 pm May, 27 trolling reg said...

Yeah fuck Steve Martin and you to Bill Hicks. And Sam Kinison, and Pryor, and Reilly Martin, and Rock, and Murphy, and Condoleezza Rice, and Elmo. You all mean nothing next to Russell Brand. Our hero and our guide through the valley of the shadows of death so help us god rest in peace hallelujah amen and selah.

8:11 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh I know Steve Martin died a little after giving away the bride. My point was he used to be funny when doing movies like The Jerk or LA Story. Hollywood has a way of corrupting good talent to fit its molds.

11:10 pm May, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Russell Brand just makes me wish I’d been alive to see/hear Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain at their best.

11:58 pm May, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

And I’m going by his role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which was a douchebag’s wet dream role. Apply all the other formulas this movie employs and I’d be willing to bet money that this movie would be a $10 lobotomy.

I mean really, people wonder why their kids are turning out gay/autistic?

6:49 am May, 28 Scroteophobic said...

@TK

So when Stackhouse showed some self awareness about how people saw him he stopped being a douche? Fuck that!

.

What really narks me about him is that he can be very funny, very edgy and entertaining. Then he slips effortlessly into puerile asshattery. The Sachs thing was a point in case. He made a series of phone calls to a harmless elderly actor to let him know that Brand had banged his granddaughter. He even sang a song about it to the guy’s answerphone. Then after being fired for this and going pretty much into hiding over the fallout he decided to go on tour and basically spend every night he performed telling the audience how funny he thought the whole thing was.

6:57 am May, 28 Anonymous said...

Oh, so now autistic = gay??????

Wow.

Just wow.

8:44 am May, 28 Seth said...

This picture is really hard to look at.

9:04 am May, 28 Bag Margera said...

@Scroteophobic

I remember that now. The old guy was Manuel from Faulty Towers. Thats the first time I ever heard of Russle Brand. Manuel was pretty funny, in a slap-stick kind of way. That role took some real self-awareness. He was a great clown, while Russle Brand is a gay ass-clown.

11:21 am May, 28 Scroteophobic said...

@Bag Margera

Yup, that was the guy. Brand was a total dick about it, grudgingly said sort of sorry (one of those weasel “I am sorry people got upset” things) and then milked it for two years. Tried to make out that he was the victim of an unjustified media frenzy. After he sang something like “I had sex with your daughter but it was consensual and she wasn’t menstrual” at the guys answerphone and showed it on TV it was somehow all the papers’ fault…

11:34 am May, 28 Baron Von Goolo said...

I’m too busy hating Dane Cook to care about Russell Brand.

.

I’m too busy tipping my hat to Katy Perry to hate Dane Cook.

.

I’m too busy masturbating to think of a funnier metaphor for masturbating than “tipping my hat.”

11:38 am May, 28 jabbathebagger said...

I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to learn that on the NPR show Fresh Air, Brand said his misconcieved assfoolery in Britain was directly the result of, what else, drugs.

1:32 pm May, 28 Scroteophobic said...

@Jabbathebagger

Nice. Seems like he is a fucking victim as well.

Lazy fucker never turns up for work? That was the alcohol.

Offends pretty much every one on his radio show and is fired? That was the giving up alcohol.

Uses and discards friends and women like they were dead skin cells? That was the drugs.

Boasts to the world about when a dick he is and ends up in a media storm over it? That was giving up the drugs.

Abuses an old man? That was the drugs again.

So when he is caught shagging Ke$ha while wearing a tutu and sunglasses with little pictures of himself inside the lenses that’ll presumably being coming off drugs again.

.

Or we could try using Occam’s razor and testing the hypothesis that he acts like a douchebag because he is one.

1:50 pm May, 29 fantagor said...

Saw Brand’s stand-up, a 2009 show in NYC, and I have to say I must give him a pass for acting and dressing in a baggish manner, for he is without doubt one of the headiest purveyors of comedic circumlocution in the world today. His vocabulary is indicative of a brainy fella, so I suspect his DB persona is a facade created for comedic effect, not the genuinely cultivated worldview typical of the North American Douchus Maximum.

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