Friday, May 7, 2010

Ask DB1: Whither Chris Cornell of Soundgarden?

—-

Hi DB1,

I’m a huge Soundgarden fan.

But like many Soundgarden fans, I strongly suspect that lead singer Chris Cornell is an irredeemable douchebag. He has several douchebag characteristics, such as carefully sculpted chin fung, frequent shirtlessness, fake dog tags, and spiky hair.

I’m attaching a couple pics as evidence for you to evaluate.

Wes

—-

While we frequently employ the patented “Rockstar Leniency Rule” to allow for some performative douchery in service of on-stage spectacle, it’s hard to excuse the early 90s grunge-clowns using this rule.

RLR is mainly to give musicians like Keith Richards or Jack White the right to wear flamboyant, if at times douchey, clothing, since part of their performance relies on spectacle.

It does not, however, excuse that hair. Cornell is a douche.

# posted by douchebag1
11:24 am May, 7 Every Which Way but Douche said...

That Hitler mustache makes him a douche!

11:24 am May, 7 tall guy said...

her? MILF or cougar?

11:28 am May, 7 Mr. White said...

Due to Soundgarden fandom, I can neither condone nor agree with this post. Barring evidence of extreme douchey behavior, I confer on him a notta.

Don’t even get me started on Jack White.

11:30 am May, 7 dbBen said...

Douche. Love the music, but douche.

He was scheduled to play a show in my home town, it was pretty well sold out. But then a week before the concert, Rock & Republic asked him to play a private show. Needless to say he dropped the show that his fans had paid to see to cater to corporate douches and their 5 year anniversary party.

In his defense, he did come back after his tour had ended and played a show. Nice jeans douchebag.

11:35 am May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

The corn in Chris Cornell’s shit has more talent than 99% of us will ever have. I’m on the fence on his douche-i-ness.

Need more evidence. I don’t see any douchebaggery in this photo

11:35 am May, 7 Wheezer said...

Meh, I’m more concerned about Friday Ass Pear. I’ll be on the way to work, but I will be sure to log on afterwards and fwap—–errrrr, I mean “enjoy.”

Have a great weekend, ‘baghunters/huntresses!

11:36 am May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

On a related note, Adam Carolla is one funny dude. When he first replaced Howard Stern here on KLSX in 2006 his show was great. Dave Damashek on sports was always right on, the hott Teresa Strasser was a good foil and his rants were epic.

Carolla, Damashek and Deaf Frat Guy discuss tattoos

He’s an underrated talent.

Then they threw Danny Bonaduce in the mix and
I. WAS. OUT. Horrible, unlistenable drivel.

That said,…

Hey Db1 ! Did he listen to my tunes?

11:40 am May, 7 tall guy said...

I say douche. My appreciation of Soundgarden does not nor should it stand in the way of douche mockery. Ladies and gentlemen of HCWDB remember: take a look around; the douche has gained so much cultural ground in such a relatively short period of time that they are now in the majority, which, for all intents and purposes means they (the douches) are winning. Therefore I remind you of DB1’s primary mission statement ergo, to let no douche go unmocked.

Douche I say!

11:48 am May, 7 mr.reeve said...

If being in love with yourself means douche then he’s one for sure.

The chick is hot in a milf way. Where is my god damned ass pear? I am growing restless!

11:49 am May, 7 Army of DOuche-ness said...

I hated ALL grunge and everything related to it including people.

Kurt Cobain wasn’t nearly as great as anybody made him about to be. In fact, he sucked. and in response to Kurt Cobain’s tragic suicide, I have two words “Ian Curtis”

get some

AoD

11:49 am May, 7 Crucial Head said...

I’m throwing in with Mr. White and Vin D on this one.

.

.

While Alice in Chains was a much better band, Black Hole Cum, Rusty Vag, and Poon Man were great songs.

11:50 am May, 7 Just Sayin said...

Nice teeth – didn’t I see her running in the Kentucky Derby recently?

12:04 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

@ Army of Douche-ness

The one thing you have to give to Kobain and his ilk, he wrestled rock back from the shitty path of synth drums, whiney Brit fucks like Duran Duran/Adam Ant/Culture Club and two chord talentless hair band peacocks …

Exception: Spandau Ballet. Tony Hadley has some serious pipes

12:07 pm May, 7 Baleen said...

Badtootertfinger

12:07 pm May, 7 Kurt Cobain said...

All I did was single-handidly end a decade of decadent, self-indulgent shitty hair metal.

12:09 pm May, 7 Baleen said...

Ultrasmegma O.K.

12:09 pm May, 7 Baleen said...

Superfungclown

12:10 pm May, 7 Deltus said...

They have an hour before and after a performance, and of course, during, where the RLR applies. Outside of that, though, I’m afraid the same douche-rules apply.

12:11 pm May, 7 Baleen said...

Fouler than Choad

12:13 pm May, 7 Army of DOuche-ness said...

@ Vin-

hmmm, i’m tempted to give you credit on the rock front but then also say that Operation Ivy and the later permutation of Rancid was doing the same earlier and then at the same time and later, depending on the album…just not as main-stream…but who cares whats happening in the mainstream?

Would you count New Order in the mix with Duran Duran? because New Order is magnificent….

12:16 pm May, 7 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

I was always more of a Jane’s Addiction, Primus, Chili Peppers, Butthole Surfers, etc. man myself.

.

Douche.

.

12:18 pm May, 7 doucheywallnuts said...

I hate that clit brush he’s sporting on his upper lip dimple, WTF? And how about an evenly trimmed chin anchor?

12:29 pm May, 7 Bagnonymous said...

Hmmm… eehhh, well, when you show up years apart in totally different bands (personnel-wise) that both kick ass–S.G. and Rage, Pt. II–I think you’re afforded a little more RLR slack. I mean, the cover-art on his latest album is a bit douchey, but hey, that’s part of the “spectacle.” (Besides, it’s a fuccen Epiphone–no big loss.)

12:30 pm May, 7 G. Gorgeous Clitty said...

Soundgarden may have been good when they did that Temple of the Dog stuff… but they couldn’t hold a candle to my boys in New Kids On The Block and Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

12:40 pm May, 7 Muck said...

Fuck you, guys! There are so many more blaring examples of douchebaggery compared to Cornell. This guy has hardly changed his look in the past 15 years. Douchebags don’t live in the south of France where they can privately chill with the wife & kids. Plus, no tattoos.

I think you toads have pretty much scoured the planet of all celebrity douches and are now just gasping at straws.

It’s getting desperate here at HCwDB.

1:02 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

He is not a douche. Let’s agree to disagree DB1.

1:04 pm May, 7 I R A Darth Aggie said...

That’s not a Hitler mustache. That’s a Dirty Sanchez!

1:05 pm May, 7 tall guy said...

Well there is that, but remember if he’s a no-‘bag then a precedent is established whereby all future classifications depend more on cred than appearance.

1:06 pm May, 7 wonky said...

Permanent Notta. Not even a question.

-Next.

1:24 pm May, 7 Condouchious say... said...

let’s not forget to consider his solo work produced by timbaland before he a give him nottadouche status

1:47 pm May, 7 Mr. White said...

@vin

Amen on Teresa Strasser, brother. She’s is my nerdy, goofy Semitic fantasy. I even used to watch that “We Fucked Up Your House While You Were Out” or whatever it was called just to watch her and fantasize about applying my primer coat to her.

1:55 pm May, 7 tall guy said...

OK, I’m convinced. Notta douche – although I’m inclined to refrain from agreeing with the highly coveted permanent notta douche classification based on the fact that douche is what douche does. Sure, muck’s point re. what he has done for the past 15 years is pertinent, but people change and douchebaggery and its inbred kissin’ cousin: celebrity, is a strong attraction.

3:15 pm May, 7 Bag Margera said...

It saddens me to see this man put up for discussion on here. I love Soundgarden. However I’ve had countless arguments with people about Chris and his old band, before. I know lots of people just fuckin hate ’em. So hearing criticism about him is something I’m used to, and I’ll admit that facial hair is highly suspect. I personally still think RLR still applies to him because beyond that scruff, I’ve never known him to abuse the rule that badly, not compared to other rock genres. Even amongst the grungies, he doesn’t stand out as a peacock that badly… That fuckin facial hair is terrible though, so if anyone disagrees with me, I understand. But I will chalk it up as simply getting old, and understandably irrelevant.

3:23 pm May, 7 Elwood Blues said...

Notta. Not even close. Not even worth arguing.

3:28 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

I submit to you all Mr. Cornell’s last album, done with Timbaland, called “Scream”. Total douche pablum. I saw him last year in San Francisco and while he did justice to his old material he started with this crap. And his band: I guess their name is The Ed Hardy Boys. Here are the lyrics to the first song he played in their entirety:

.

Little girl, I love when she talks to me

Got to smile, when she walks that walk with me

I want the girl, but I want a lot

Might cross my mind, but that’s where it stops

Ohhhh

That bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of-part of-part of me

I love the girl, I’m lovin’ the dress she wears

She’s got a hold, got a hold of my neck, oh yeah

I wanna cry, the way that she moves

I want the girl, but not what she’s going through

Ohhhhh

That bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of-part of-part of me

She was so friendly, I had one too many

But now that they tell she was rubbing up against me

But I swear, never meant a thing, she was just a fling

There’s no other woman who does it like you

That bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of me

I said no, that bitch ain’t a part of me

No, that bitch ain’t a part of-part of-part of me

.

.

So, I guess that bitch ain’t a part of him? Only MC Hammer’s failed followup “Too Legit To Quit” repeated an inane line that many times.

.

Douche.

4:04 pm May, 7 massengill said...

Nottadouche

WXRT’s Live from the Archives Vol. 10 has a nice acoustic version of “Black Hole Sun.”

4:06 pm May, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

Guy’s a friggin’ douche. His body hair does it. Awful facial taint, and scalp hair indicates he just got outta bed, skipped the shower and is now smelling up every room he enters. Sher must have sinus congrstion not to be able to smell that.

He’s like the sacrament of douchery: has the outward and visible signs of an inward and unspiritual douche.

5:13 pm May, 7 Common Sense said...

If we issue a douche to Mr. Cornell, then we may as well end the “Rock Star Leniency Rule.”

The are literally thousands of douchier rock stars than Cornell. Citing one bad album is a weak argument. Even the Beatles, Zepplin, and The Stones have fucked up at least once.

If he weren’t a star, then he’d be a douche based on this pic. But he’s a million times less douchey than Bobo fer chrissakes.

5:25 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

Well, Mr. Common Sense, it’s obvious you and I have never met, but I’ve always cast a jaundiced eye towards the Rockstar Leniency Rule. But I don’t rule the world, do I? Because if I did I’d have a pack of Clydesdales, Gatorade, a strong diuretic of some sort and a small stool about *yea* high.

.

But I digress. Boy’s a douche. If not now, then when he falls off, ceases to be a rock star, and winds up working at Cinnabon.

5:27 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

And Zeppelin ain’t ever fucked up no album.

5:41 pm May, 7 Common Sense said...

So, Robert Plant’s not a douche either then. Even after his solo debacles? Where does it end???

Geddy Lee is for sure a douche. Take THAT, Phah!!!

5:53 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

Jimmy Page is a huge douche for ripping off all the old blues and roots pioneers and claiming them as his own. Plus he looks like an old, fat lady now.

6:36 pm May, 7 Douche Scroets Scrociety said...

Fake dog tags and spiky hair

Chris Cornell has douchely flair

He gets some props for the songs he sung

But there’s no excuse for that facial fung

6:50 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

DB1 calls Chris Cornell a douche?

Ok, you can shut down the site now. It’s over.

HCwDB just jumped the shark.

7:02 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

@myself 6:50: But, yes; CC’s last album completely sucks in every possible way.

Just like every other solo act that comes from a great band.

(ok, the entire Sting catalog + Lou Reed’s guitar solo from “Video Violence” put together don’t suck as bad as Chris’ last album)

Yes, someone convinced him that Timbaland==God+Sales & he fell for it.

.

Still notta.

7:14 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

@Anon 7:02

Afuckingmen. Not in a gay way, of course.

Even the lead singer of Faith No More sports douchie facial hair and preens like a fag on his solo bullshit. But the regs love FNM.

9:05 pm May, 7 Kevin said...

@Darksock,

Yes. Let’s make all washed up rock stars douches. That includes anyone who’s appeared on American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, or is over 40 years old.

Fuck, Elvis was a big fat douche when he hit Vegas. Johnny Cash got fat, lost his voice and started doing cover songs. Metallica went soft and cut their hair.

And do not get me started on U2, Coldplay, Dave Mathews, Bob Marley, The Who (child porn), or Phil Collins.

And fuck Pink Floyd for all that laser shit they condone now.

I love Slayer though.

9:10 pm May, 7 Kurt Cobain said...

I also irresponsibly blew my own brains out and abandoned my daughter to a worthless schmuck of a drug addict asscrack whorebag.

9:46 pm May, 7 Condolences said...

@Kurt 9:10pm

It’s okay Kurt.

Janis Joplin, Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Layne Staley, Darby Crash, Ian Curtis, Shannon Hoon, Bradley Nowell, Bon Fucking Scott, Gene Muthufuckin’ Vincent, Paul Williams, and Andrew Wood all send their condolences.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame called… we’re filled to the brim with assholes, but you bought their records so…

Fuck You!

10:07 pm May, 7 Anonymous said...

if i just judged the picture, i would think his hair looks like he just rolled out of bed, he has stupid sunglasses on, his facial hair is mildly retarded and his necklace is sorta-kinda wannabe dogtag.

meh.

but if you add in that he’s sold millions of records and fronted one of the most influential bands of the 90’s?

big deal. nottadouche at best and minor league scrote at worst. why waste time with this guy when there are plenty of rockers doing way more douchie things than this: like tommy lee, slash (being on american idol), anything bono does, and pete townshend (child porn on his computer).

1:44 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

DarkSock beat me to the Scream album. talk about a midlife crisis.

2:07 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

that being said, i’ve never been impressed by Soundgarden itself but i’ve always liked Audioslave. I am the Highway and Show Me How to Live. trump every single Soundgarden achievement.

did i tell you i have totally unpredictable taste in music? meh.

but yes. Chris Cornell is a douchebag. in a midlife crisis.

2:13 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

also, I am the Highway sounds totally douchey when Cornell performs it live. i’m relegated to listening to the original version of the song as released on the Audioslave album.

4:52 am May, 8 Blair said...

I love Chris Cornell’s music. LOVE IT. But he really is a total douche. I’ve seen him in small venues a couple of times…total asshole.

4:53 am May, 8 Blair said...

Plus he looks like Dane Cook’s dad.

4:59 am May, 8 Bag Margera said...

Rock Stars are not immortal. The get old, they get lame, there style becomes ridiculous, and they run out of creative ideas. Rarely is there an exception to this rule. If you know an ageing rocker that’s still as cool as he originally was, and still cranks out awesome music, then maybe you just need to wait a bit longer, or maybe you’re just fucking deluded. The point is, it’s easy to look at Chris Cornell now and say he’s a douche. But he’s really a by-product of a defunct music genre, that is still enjoyed by many. And then he got old, wears fake dog tags and facial fungus and sunglasses at night in a desperate attempt to be his former spectacle. If you enjoy Soundgarden’s music, and like Chris Cornell as a musician, you shouldn’t let the fact that he’s a douchebag bring you down. For without douchebags where would our favourite mainstream music come from? In this Paradox, RLR is created and applied, and really it’s open to interpretaion, because if you hate the music, than all you see is another douchebag.

8:27 am May, 8 Chad Kroeger said...

Jump the shark? Fuck off or I will pound you. This site is infantine. Black Hole Douche.

11:25 am May, 8 tall guy said...

You see while I’m ok with the RLR appellation for Cornell, I’m not so naive to believe he isn’t fast becoming more comprehensively douche as time, and the continued pressure that ‘aging rocker’ exacts upon him, goes by. Exactly why this happens is at the same time both easy to understand and quite complex. Bag Margera’s compelling argument suggests we let nature take its course with impunity, however Blair’s eye witness accounts of Cornell’s nightclub antics indicate irresponsible behaviour, which is, of course, entry level stuff for any chest beating douche.

still notta, but Cornell’s definitely one that we should keep an eye on. And by keep an eye on I mean mock severely if the dude totally douches out.

1:25 pm May, 8 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

Oh yeah. Cornell has always douched it up something awful. Even back in the Soundgarden indie days he was a usually shirtless Robert-Plant-meets-David-Coverdale Rockstar wannabe. He used the grunge/indie scene alongside true mensches like Tad & Screaming Trees as a path to arena-rock fame & groupie-grope right from jump, IMO. Nevertheless, Ultramega OK, Louder Tha Love, and Badmotorfinger were most excellent. Furthermore, boobies!

3:32 pm May, 8 tall guy said...

For sure, Steve Albini was once quoted as saying that he’d ‘seen a lot of friends and acquaintances turn their bands which were previously something they did out of passion into a shot at a small business’.

nothing wrong with business, i’m a capitalist at heart, but the modern douche and its global brethren have got things arse about. There’s such a pervasive attitude that to become famous all one need do is pluck from an ever increasing range of designer styles or “edgy” looks and your home and hosed. At least the likes of Cornell et al actually did something to qualify themselves as being celebrated. Also, that ‘small business’ Albini spoke of is now big.

Plus, suckle thigh!

4:46 pm May, 8 Euripidouche said...

chris cornell solo, or in another band may very well be a douche, however it is time to discuss the kim thayil principle.

to be best understood, i paraphrase nixon….

when kim thayil does it, its not douche(illegal).

so by proximity to kim thayil, chris cornell gets a conditional pass.

9:34 pm May, 8 DarkSock said...

I got my dickk stuck in a bus station pay phone once.

12:45 pm May, 9 Wheezer said...

@’Sockk, 9:34 a.m. –

You have to be careful, broheim!

5:43 pm May, 9 Bag Margera said...

I’ll I know is when listening to Soundgarden, it’s just best to not think about the guy.

6:57 pm May, 9 Stephanie said...

Too sloppy rockstar to be a douche in this photo. Plus don’t douchebags have nothing to offer,and are all flash. Can”t you keep your own site straight? This guy’s not near douche unless you get too close and he pulls a rockstar asshole routine. Then ,he might be douche…they get that way when they don’t have a hit record for a long time.

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