Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Celebrity HCwDB of the Month: Emmy Rossum and Adam Something Or Other

Twenty four year old actress hottie Emmy Rossum is the latest prime celebuhott to be mug fondled by aging, portly talent-lacking rocker hipster douchus, the not really famous non-icon of the Clinton years, Adam Duritz.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Who’s Adam Duritz?

Yes. The answer to the question Who’s Adam Duritz is “Yes.” For the question is its own answer, as the Daoist Monks have tried to teach us.

Back before 9/11, America was lazy and bored, and listened to blankly generic slacker crap by bands like “Hootie and the Blowfish” and “Counting Crows.”

Adam Duritz may or may not have been involved in one of these bands.

And while it’s true that the man’s run through quality Hollywood hottsicles in the 90s was legendary, so was his serious commitment to rank clownbaggery.

No “Rockstar Leniency Rule” at work here. The man is mockworthy uber-choad. And Rossum is semitic librarian hottness.

# posted by douchebag1
3:59 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

To borrow from Baron Von Goolo:

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Who’s the gay caveman?

4:00 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Albert Einstein, Bob Marley, Al Roker and John Houseman…

4:01 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Bob Seger, Silent Bob and The Predator…

4:02 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Thagg the Caveman, Coolio and Orville Redenbacher…

4:03 pm May, 25 creature said...

she’s hot as the equator… he’s a very hairy simian penis

4:04 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Sideshow Bob and every liberal college philosophy professor.

4:05 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced a clutch of squid eggs with a Sharpie.

4:05 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

Ahhh well…just as long as he doesn’t do anything annoying like sing in a high warbling keen while spastically attempting to dance, everything should be OK….

4:06 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced John Lennon and Woolly Willie.

4:07 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

t’s like someone genetically spliced Popeye’s nemesis Brutus with a Sea Anemone and the BP oil leak

4:08 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced John Goodman with Whoopi Golldberg’s muff.

4:08 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

t’s like someone genetically spliced Ghandi with a wolf spider and a coal miner

4:09 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced a swiffer mop with black tar heroin and a NYC cab driver

4:11 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Hagrid with Ben Steiner and a candy bowl brimming full of hot cat turds.

4:11 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced the goofiest motherfucker on the planet with the luckiest motherfucker on the planet.

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Seriously? Emmy Rossum AND Courtney Cox AND Jennifer Aniston AND Winona Ryder? It’s like someone genetically spliced my unbridled need to high five the sumbitch with my white-hot desire to park my limo on his adam’s apple.

4:12 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

…a clutch of squid eggs with a Sharpie…

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heh heh

4:12 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced The Gorton’s Fisherman with the Smoke Monster.

4:15 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

Stay off the moors…the Were-Komondor hunts this night…

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Fuck you. Look it up.

4:19 pm May, 25 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced a hobo with a gorgon.

4:23 pm May, 25 Dicy said...

Well fuck a duck, that’s what happened to my mop… I thought I’d thrown it away but apparently it’s out dating Hollywood Hotts. I didn’t need him anyway!

4:35 pm May, 25 Horace Dangleballs said...

I had to google Adam Durwitz…

… and when I saw “Counting Crows” I immediately smashed myself in the head with my fireplace shovel. The blackness was blissful — and the concussion was less painful than listening to those no talent, warbling hacks.

When I came to, my first thought was, “Emmy Rossum deserves whatever yeast infection she gets.” My second thought was “Anyone wearing a polka-dotted bowtie with a tux deserves to be beaten with a meat hammer and sodomized by Mr. Blackwell.”

4:46 pm May, 25 creature said...

it’s like someone genetically spliced a weeping willow with Mr. T

4:48 pm May, 25 creature said...

it’s like someone genetically spliced Ricky Williams with Jabba the Hut

4:48 pm May, 25 mr.reeve said...

I remember this ass clown from my late high school days. And now that I have looked at the Who’s Dated Who list I hate him more! Bad music, bad hair and not good looking. Oh the life of an untalented dicknose with clown hair. Dude must have a giant member or something. Maybe he’s the Ron Jeremy of music.

4:53 pm May, 25 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

…that man has had his anus surgically relocated on top of his head…

4:53 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ BVG 4:19

RACIST!

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huh huh.

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It’s like someone spliced Buckwheat with a Portugese Man O’War.

4:55 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

Also @ BVG–

I’ll see your Were-Komondor and raise you The Abominable Puli.

4:56 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

It looks like someone spliced a pineapple with a cuttlefish with Plinky’s mom’s unshorn pussy.

4:57 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

It looks like somebody spliced a millipede with Gabe Kaplan.

5:34 pm May, 25 doucheywallnuts said...

What an inspiration…Rather than go with the prototypical toupee – now known as a hair system – Durwitz hides his bald pate with a bad rasta wig and nobody notices! Genius! The curious case of Adam Durwitz just goes to prove what Eddie Murphy used to say back in his comedian days that all a guy has to do is sing to get the puss-aay.

5:39 pm May, 25 doucheywallnuts said...

It looks like someone spliced an aging, Jewish hipster doofus with a bergmasco sheperd.

http://dogdetails.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/46-bergamasco-shepherd-dog.jpg

5:44 pm May, 25 soy bomb said...

Great call DB1, Adam Duowietzazdisdzzzssz and the Counting Crows are a wasteland.

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Unfortunately, Adam Duouweizkeigez is also laying waste to some Prime Grade-A ‘tang…AAAAA-gain. So learn from this, kiddies, making a deal with Beelzebub is TOTALLY worth it.

5:46 pm May, 25 Troy Tempest said...

it looks like someone genetically spliced a near sighted sasquatch with a potted palm and dressed it up for the prom.

I fucked up my hand Real Good, so typing is not such a good idea.

Blurf.

5:55 pm May, 25 Just Sayin said...

That’s a mighty tasty Jewsicle.

6:37 pm May, 25 Bag Margera said...

I defended Chris Cornell to the best of my ability, under the RLR. I cannot give the same credit to whoever this fucking pubicle is.

6:46 pm May, 25 Justin said...

Its like someone genetically spliced a bag of rotten bananas with a dead bonobo chimp, then threw John Lennon’s glasses on the stinking heap.

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Yeesh…sorry. I’ve always hated this guy.

6:52 pm May, 25 Douchble Helix said...

I’ll have what he’s having.

7:12 pm May, 25 Mr. Biggs said...

She may be hot, but Satan lurks within their blank stares.

And honestly… A dating repertoire like that, even if I had some magic power to have any woman i wanted, a la Axe commercial, i still wouldn’t be able to date that many. Simply because my attention span is too long.

Which makes one wonder if in this top of the Hollywood sexual pecking order there’s a completely different conceptif dating. Or why I bother reading classics when I could just play some bogus chords and get ridiculous haircuts, and fare much better.

7:29 pm May, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

It’s like somebody genetically spliced Mr. Edwards from “Little House on the Prairie” with a Lipizzaner Stallion’s ass.

7:33 pm May, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Teddy Roosevelt’s reading glasses with Lenny Kravitz’s hairy puckered starfish.

7:41 pm May, 25 His Lord Grace Doo Doo of Squatingham said...

Couldn’t agree more, that dude sucks the biggest, greasiest, purple’est donkey of all time. I mean… C’mon! That homogenous crap run through a “niceness” filter is so weak it makes INSYNC look hard. Lance Bass looked at that dude and was like, “that dude’s a nerd I’d kick his ass… then call Vince Neil to brag about it.”

8:30 pm May, 25 creature said...

Samurai Scrote shot a ribbon of jizz over her shoulder & down her cleave

8:47 pm May, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

From the looks of those dreadlocks, all I can figure is he shoots Bob Marley reggae music out his ass when engaging his woofer, er, tweeter, up her embouchre…

…while being simultaneously humped by both Komondor and Puli herding dogs.

8:49 pm May, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

Here’s the deal.

He gives her his eyeglasses, which transforms her into Librarian Hott while they are humpin’.

9:04 pm May, 25 lucious lupus john pawned mrs jones said...

he has the kavorka, the lure of the animal. no woman can resist the kavorka. no woman. beware the lure of the animal.

10:47 pm May, 25 Wheezer said...

It’s pretty bad that Adam Douchewitz of Counting Scrotes is at any time slipping “Mr. Jones” into anything female, but to still pull prime ‘tang 15 years after he and that horseshit band were undeservedly relevant doesn’t say much for the ladies, either.

10:55 pm May, 25 Guid is Good said...

My gentile penis wishes it had not misplaced it’s semitic library card.

10:58 pm May, 25 Wheezer said...

Bad joke, but for this she wins the fuccen Emmy…..

11:09 pm May, 25 Baleen said...

I didn’t know Francis Ford Coppola was a Rasta.

11:20 pm May, 25 Crucial Head said...

I simply can’t come close to the splicing jokes that have already been splooged.

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What I find oddly awesome, is that a rock star leniency rule hath been revoked by The Boss with nary a nay sayer amongst us. Usually there is at least one or two delirious Anon’s vehemently defending their chosen leader. Even a Reg or two will stand up for what they may think is a hasty or ill-thought bestowment of douchitude.

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Take me, for instance. I really didn’t see all that much douche in Chris Cornell compared to many of his rocking compadre’s so I issued a defiant “Meh” when Boss levied the label. I didn’t see Cornell being any more douchie than any other aging rock star who’s issued a fart of an album here and there. And who can forget those that partook in the lively discussion of whether Bono had surpassed the RSLR rule many moons ago? Spirited.

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But Adam Douchewitz?

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Nada.

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And for good reason, methinks. He and his merry band of menstrual midget minstrels can harp their way into Hell for all I care.

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Fuccem. Boss done right by this one.

11:29 pm May, 25 Baleen said...

Lenny Kravitz is an uberdouche.

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Prince is notta.

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It’s like defining porn, I guess. I like a good piece of horse tang like the next guy, but I don’t pee there.

12:39 am May, 26 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I visualize this happening to his greasy-Jew-with-dreadlocks face.

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Speaking of which, now I’m not fervently opposed to bullfighting like some people. I can even appreciate certain ultra-violent sports based on the merit of their cultural importance, such as chariot racing; duck hunting; hockey; competitive bass fishing; and being a soccer fan.

This particular goring on the other hand, however initially impressive looking, had me quite disappointed after finding out that the matador lived. I for one would be more enthralled and supportive of bullfighting if more matadors were properly gored. Like, you’ll only find the videos on Rotton.com along side images of innocent Afghan children blown in half by suicide bombers.

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I want video of a world famous matador, chest puffed out, his ballerina-like legs strutting his trunk across the bull ring. Scores of buxom Mediterranean beauties, their cleavage spilling out of their frilly multi colored Flamenco dress, would toss roses for the swaggering mustached hero, the roses signifying their virginity which they would gladly give to this essence of manhood and his domination over the beastly world. He would bow low and gracious to his teaming hoards of admirers, showing that in this blood sport, chivalry is of the highest regard. Suddenly the rabid bull races forth, jamming his demonic horn into the the matador’s neck and tearing his head off in one clean jerk of the bull’s muscular neck. The matador’s once proud statuesque body, quivers momentarily before falling to the dirt, blood spurting voraciously out his neck stump. Women faint, children wide-eyed with terror, begin to gently cry at the horrible sight before them. The sweaty, dirty beast from Hades, with the upturned eyes and waggling tongue of the matador’s decapitated visage perched upon the bull’s mighty horns, stands triumphant in the deadly silence.

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Just sayin’…

12:40 am May, 26 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Crap. Thatza big link.

12:49 am May, 26 tall guy said...

Correct call on the non-rockstar leniency. I confess to ignorance re. this Adam S., out here in Australia he’s probably quite well known by celeb-stalking douches, but regardless of all that… The hair. The silly tie. The tongue! I just don’t get this guy. Besides his clearly obvious doucheness.

1:00 am May, 26 Baleen said...

@ Jacques

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Here’s the midget version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv6D4sieaHM

1:49 am May, 26 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Proto hipsterbag. And by proto hipsterbag I mean he and Mr.Jones need a bath. She is co-douche just for being smelled in public with him. He needs a comb. Maybe he was spliced from Lemmmy Kravitz, Lisa Bonet, and a mop. IIt needs to be castrata so the Kravitz. Bonet, Mop virus is stopped.

2:38 am May, 26 Euripidouche said...

i cannot argue that ad-softrock duritz is not a douche, he would have to be standing next to kim thayil in order to be notta, however, and this is important, hootie and the blowfish are a late term abortion dressed in a purse-dog’s pink and hunter green argyle sweater and the world’s smallest pair of pleated golf pants.

my only argument is by degree, and the degree of douche present in hootie and the blowfish is unrivalled by any group ever played on mtv, back when that was still possible.

3:14 am May, 26 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I guess it’s up to me to be the lone dissenter in this discussion…

Adam Duritz is a ‘bag, but I WOULD grant him RSLR.

The Counting Crows weren’t nearly as bad as most of you have made them out to be. Granted, every time I’ve heard who Mr. Duritz is dating I wonder what’s wrong with women, especially hot women, but I can also say he’s been a great guest on Howard Stern so maybe that has something to do with it.

And why is it that internet nerds all seem to like shitty death metal music like Gwar and shit like this:

There’s a reason death metal isn’t played on the radio: IT SUCKS.

6:27 am May, 26 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

As if I needed another reason to hate the lame, whiny fucking Counting Crows.

6:31 am May, 26 Bagnonymous said...

Semitic? Dude, what about Catholic schoolgirl?

6:35 am May, 26 DarkSock said...

MC 900:

GWAR is not “death metal”; they are not even a band. They are stranded alien space pirates.

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duh-huh.

8:22 am May, 26 Wheezer said...

“Yeah YEAH! GWAR! GWAR!

8:34 am May, 26 End the Haberdouchery said...

Mock Duritz all you like, but leave my Hootie out of this!

8:54 am May, 26 Deltus said...

It’s like somebody genetically spliced John Lennon with Bob Marley and a heaping pile of fetid dog shit, and then sucked all the talent out.

Emmy Rossum is all kinds of tasty. In a sweet way as well. Which makes her being with that fucking choad experiment gone wrong all the more painful.

9:03 am May, 26 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Hey, I was in a Gwar marching band so back the fuck off. Once the sex slaves left, it wasn’t so much fun anymore.

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It looks like someone genetically spliced Don King, Buckwheat, and Side Show Bob together. Unfortunately it didn’t take and the result is what you see here.

9:09 am May, 26 Ned's Atomic Douchebin said...

Wait. So Gwar isn’t a real band??

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So what’s next, are you telling me Spinal Tap wasn’t real?

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Good grief, my world hath been shaken.

9:23 am May, 26 DarkSock said...

Smell The Glove

9:47 am May, 26 Teddy Tendergass said...

Break Like the Wind.

10:03 am May, 26 Vin Douchal said...

Stayed out this yesterday when the Baron and Darksock were riffing. TAKE THAT AS A LESSON FOLKS , stay out of the way when the heavyweights have the dais.

Now that the smoke has cleared, I fuccen hate this no talent hack and his group of kindergaarden level “band” mates with a venom usually reserved for Hitler, The New York Yankees and the Kennedy clan.

Anyone that likes/listens to this drivel is brain diseased.

10:03 am May, 26 Claude Douchenburg said...

She’s as hot as a firecracker. He is as hairy as Belefonte.

12:27 pm May, 26 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Joaquim Phoenix with Bill Nye and a bushel of bratwurst.

12:31 pm May, 26 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Sid The Science Kid with The Unabomber and a penguin.

12:36 pm May, 26 Baron Von Goolo said...

It’s like someone genetically spliced Korn with Truman Capote.

1:57 pm May, 26 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I still say there are many more rock stars who don’t deserve the RSLR before you get to Adam Duritz.

As proof I will submit this review:

http://www.uncut.co.uk/music/counting_crows/reviews/10947

and this one:

http://www.musicbox-online.com/cc-hard.html

and this one:

http://blogcritics.org/music/article/music-review-counting-crows-saturday-nights/

4:04 pm May, 26 Jimmy said...

To Jacques Doucheteau. Your Hipster Hitler picture is fucking offensive enough then you have the nerve to state what you would “I visualize this happening to his greasy-Jew-with-dreadlocks face.” Here’s a tip dipshit, dont post such shit about a Jew where you mention his Jewishness and have a picture of hitler as your avatar.

You sir are a fucking tool. I am not even Jewish nor do I really get offended by much but you sir are a fucking tool.

7:46 pm May, 26 the weekend bagger said...

Im too lazy to read, so Im sorry if someone already mentioned this but a few years back, Adam revealed that his “dreads” on top of his head are FAKE. Always have been. Its a one piece hair piece hes used for years. White guy rocking fake dreads for 20 years……doesnt get more douchey than that

9:56 pm May, 26 Bag That Ass Up said...

Wow, Adam Durowitz is only one vagina (Christina Applegate’s) removed from Richard Grieco hisself.

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