Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Europeans, Teenagers and Shoe Polish

Some days I just should’ve stayed in bed.

Or punched a kitten in the nadsack as existential retribution for the God that isn’t.

Either one.

# posted by douchebag1
9:11 am May, 25 Douchesquire said...

Go directly to the Closet of Poo! Do not pass go, do not collect $200….

9:14 am May, 25 Pirata said...

Holly crap!

9:15 am May, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

The next time you see that couch it will be on the curb in front of the apartment complex with a “Free – Not a blood stain” sign on it.

9:16 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

I just spent an hour breech-loaded in a stuffy hot MRI, fighting off claustrophobic panic attacks.

.

But now after seeing…..this…..I think I’ll drive back there and crawl back in until I die.

.

Goodbye Sober Day; Hello caked-on shinola.

9:17 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

@ Scrotato:

.

Good call. Thousands of years hence that sofa with its ghostly burnt umber body print will be known as the Shroud of Turden.

9:20 am May, 25 boatbutter said...

Truly spectacular! He may have that one guy from about a year ago beat who looked like Al Jolson.

9:23 am May, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

How is it he managed to orange his lips and nostrils, but failed to blend in the hairline? His mirror must only go up to his forehead.

9:24 am May, 25 Crucial Head said...

Eeeeegads!

.

European’s still love their chimney sweepers.

9:27 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

$20 says he missed his asshole and under-ball area. When he bends over it probably looks like a fecal supernova.

9:28 am May, 25 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Billy learned the hard way that you need 2 weeks of classes and proper certification before you can put on a fireworks show.

.

To the Closet of Poo with him.

.

9:29 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

It soon became apparent after the surgery that Dr. Feinstein mistakenly attached the young lad’s bile duct to his lower colon.

9:29 am May, 25 clam fist said...

Woo hoo! Female boobie grope!

9:29 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

Closet of poo my ass.

.

To the Foyer of Poo with this one.

9:31 am May, 25 I R A Darth Aggie said...

At least the blondies look like they’re about to barf. I can’t blame them.

9:32 am May, 25 clam fist said...

Tiny blonde hot is burying her nose in boobies to avoid the stench of the poo man. Poo Man= worst super villian ever.

9:32 am May, 25 Ned's Atomic Douchebin said...

There are three lesbians in this picture. And we all know which one is the human butt plug during their saphic trysts.

9:34 am May, 25 clam fist said...

Poo Man’s mission: buzz kill all lesbian experimintation.

9:34 am May, 25 doucheintheheartoftexas said...

You CAN”T use the “D” word. Only WE can use the “D” word.

9:35 am May, 25 clam fist said...

Damn I spel good.

9:36 am May, 25 RAPETIME said...

Jesus, he’s not orange, he’s fucking purple.

Hello melanoma!

9:37 am May, 25 clam fist said...

I like booobies

9:41 am May, 25 Vin Douchal said...

I was gonna ask if that’s a guy or a gal but instead I want to know if it’s even human

9:41 am May, 25 Dicy said...

Hahhhaa this can’t be real, right? Where does the DB1 find these ‘people;’ dircetly to the Closet of Poo, for sure.

9:42 am May, 25 boone doggle said...

hehehe…shroud of turden

9:46 am May, 25 bigphatnotadouche said...

I think DB1 uncovered the only known picture of Dark Sock.

I also think the picture reminds my of fatal automobile accident, whereas you have to look but you move on.

9:46 am May, 25 Vin Douchal said...

Hey Dicy,

Check the last thread

9:49 am May, 25 soy bomb said...

WTF is going on in this picture? No matter, and no time for answers. Since fire clearly won’t rid the world of this blight, it looks like it’s finally time to put the Sexy, Sexy Ice Gun to use.

9:49 am May, 25 Ludacris Axehandle McCockkwielder said...

It took a while, but eventually Anja and Greta realized they were sitting next to the masked, but inanimate corpse of Slipknot bassist Paul Gray.

.

.

.

.

What, too late?

9:56 am May, 25 mr.reeve said...

Wow. I see nothing good in this picture.

10:11 am May, 25 Big Tony Ventresca said...

It does not suprise me that those two not-hott women look like they’ve just seen The Living Shit (“Living the dream!” TM) using his superpowers to bring the off-campus house party to a smelly end.

10:12 am May, 25 melvil duchi said...

he has had one too many prune colodas

10:19 am May, 25 Troy Tempest said...

We don’t have to put him in the closet of poo, as he is already there. His name just asn’t shown up at left yet. He’s so orange, he evades standard Plank Time frequency, and is now in a higher dimensional space time. So, we see him as outside the closet of poo, but in fact, the moment the camera was taken he was in the closet of poo – DB1 just hasn’t moved him there yet in order to fulfil what has already happened.

Yeah – confusing. Dicy and Scrotato prolly get what I’m at with this.

10:22 am May, 25 Dex said...

“Wait, rule of thumb? In the early 1900s it was legal for men to beat their wives, as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb.”

“Can’t do much damage with that then, can we? Perhaps it should have been a rule of wrist?”

10:23 am May, 25 my friends call me @$$hole said...

this photo should prompt a thorough investigation by the authorities…

10:25 am May, 25 creature said...

Plinky’s mom crapped on that sofa

10:26 am May, 25 Dr. Richard Goesinyou said...

Somebody ought to kick the shit out of that guy just because.

10:28 am May, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Can we put him the basement of poo?

So that we never see him again.

Ever.

Please?

10:30 am May, 25 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

flush it down, stat

10:32 am May, 25 creature said...

maybe Dungeon of Turds?

10:33 am May, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I’m not so sure that he “missed” the top of his forehead. I think that’s an indicator level of some sort to let us know that he almost has reached the maximum for his shoe polish enema.

10:39 am May, 25 Walrus Whisker said...

The Dungeon of Doody?

10:40 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

@ Dr. Richard Goesinyou:

If someone “kicked the shit” out of him then he’d be invisible…that would be even worse.

10:41 am May, 25 Teddy Tendergass said...

The Cellar of Crap.

10:41 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

He’s got so much tanner on when he poops he wipes away the bright spots.

10:42 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

He’s got so much tanner on his white Honda Civic turned orange through osmosis.

10:42 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

He’s got so much tanner on his piss has gravy skins in it.

10:42 am May, 25 Victor von Douche said...

Wow, first Michael Jackson went from being a black man to a white woman. And now we’ve got a white guy trying to do the opposite. I hope all that world ending in 2012 stuff is for real.

10:42 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

He’s got so much tanner on his blood type is oxblood

10:42 am May, 25 Thorax Hammersmith said...

The Basement of Bowel Movements?

11:03 am May, 25 Scooby Douche said...

This explains why my mother would never buy me that chemistry set when I was a boy.

11:13 am May, 25 Wheezer said...

And on his forehead is the Mark of the Colostomy ‘Bag…..

11:19 am May, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

No one thought that they would find anyone left after the explosion at the paprika factory, but somehow Billy defied the odds.

11:20 am May, 25 End the Haberdouchery said...

To the colonic catacombs with him.

11:21 am May, 25 douche douchestofferson said...

That reminds me, I need to buy a plunger. Thanks DB1!

11:23 am May, 25 Slab BootSpur said...

The Foyer of Feces.

11:25 am May, 25 Dicy said...

@Troy

Ah yes, I believe you are referring to the Heisenberg Certainty of Poo Principle.

11:25 am May, 25 Sawsall Boglung said...

The Stairway To Scat.

11:27 am May, 25 creature said...

Plinky’s mom’s butt plug

11:37 am May, 25 Winchester Q. Douchington III, Esq. said...

Now just what the HELL is going on here?

(done in a Lee Marvin voice)

12:02 pm May, 25 mr.reeve said...

This out of all the douchie things dudes do takes the cake. Who is to blame for this horrific look? I scratch my head every time I see these turds.

12:03 pm May, 25 DarkSock said...

Cindy looked over at her scratch-n-sniff boyfriend and fell further into the black abyss of teen despair.

12:08 pm May, 25 Bag Margera said...

That’s racist, dog.

12:10 pm May, 25 Bag Margera said...

I call the hall of poo for you.

12:12 pm May, 25 Bag Margera said...

Gay Poo Elf and his reluctant associates. You can really feel their pain.

12:22 pm May, 25 Deltus said...

You have to admire for one thing: they didn’t listen to anyone who begged them to stop with the spray tanning. And there were people who begged, I have no doubt.

12:29 pm May, 25 G said...

ugh…that’s what happens when you eat lots of fibre. You shit on the couch when you least expect it

12:40 pm May, 25 G said...

I finally got it…the picture…2 girls 1 cup?

1:18 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

.

With friends like him, who needs enemas?

1:19 pm May, 25 Anonymous said...

Highway to felch.

1:19 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

Another bad case of Monkey See, Monkey Doo.

1:29 pm May, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Or is it Two Girls One Crap?

1:30 pm May, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I think even Scotchguard is f*cked with this one.

1:33 pm May, 25 Bag Margera said...

@ G

that is the is the best possible comparison ever… Ever!

2:40 pm May, 25 Scroteophobic said...

@Dicy/Troy

I’d also look at an alternative formulation using Scrotinger’s Equation:

ih (d poo / dt) = H poo

..

Basically it says that the rate of change of poo with respect to time is actually dependent on the amount of poo (technically the Humiltonian operator on poo which is the sum of the choad and the greasiness crossed with the amount of poo). So as the amount of poo in the world goes up so does the rate of poo generation. Not only that but the more choady and greasy the specimens spawned the faster the generation of new abominations. I am sure you can do the math – it means we are fucked and it is time to start drinking more heavily than usual.

2:54 pm May, 25 G said...

^ just to add to the equation, as dt approaches 0, H poo approaches infinity, and the couch scrote’s anus swallows itself, causing a blackhole to form, sucking in all that is bleethe…we can only hope for this apocolypse…

Thanks Bag, however, didn’t take long to come to that conclusion based on the pic…

3:06 pm May, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Scroteophobic

.

So you’re saying that poo is an eigenvalue? And if so, does it form a complete set? I’m only asking so I know whether to go to the pub straightaway or if I can drink at home. Mmmmmm…McEwan’s Triple Stout

4:07 pm May, 25 massengill said...

Fuck it, then. Let’s bomb Norway.

4:12 pm May, 25 massengill said...

Go directly to the Closet of Poo! Do not pass go, do not collect $200….

4:33 pm May, 25 Dicy said...

@Scroteophobic

I like you’re theory. What do your calculations tell you about the divergence of poo? And how will this affect the Maxwell equations? Clearly there are poo monopoles (Stackhouse) that need to be taken into account. We need to formulate a continuity equation too so that if one ever comes into contact with poo, we can apply the correct boundary conditions to learn how quickly the poo will infect and thus how much one should drink to forget the event.

4:51 pm May, 25 oxydouche said...

What. The. Fucking. Fuck.

4:57 pm May, 25 Horace Dangleballs said...

And I always thought, “he’s so black he’s navy blue” was just a bigoted joke.

Did you just get back from Mercury, burn boy?

4:58 pm May, 25 Horace Dangleballs said...

“Shake it, but don’t break it. I’m a macaroni. I don’t think we’ll get past the cops.”

“We’ll get by the cops. I just hope we don’t run into any Muslims.”

5:46 pm May, 25 ehcuodouche said...

What. The. Fuck.

6:16 pm May, 25 Blueballs said...

Hard to take this douche seriously with that polyester pink shirt and the 3D glasses….Wait, he is throwing up a gang sign? Now I am scared.

7:05 pm May, 25 Sir Boo said...

What a gorgeous tan!

9:11 pm May, 25 lucious lupus john wonders about the youth of today said...

at least he isn’t sunburned

9:24 pm May, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

Uh, is this George Hamilton’s cabin boy?

Did the Coppertone Girl slip in when no one was looking?

I was gonna say that is the most outstanding Mark of the Douche I have ever seen, but on second thought, he probably got teabagged because that shape is of the most generous balls and sideway dick to make its mark on a foreskin, er, forehead.

Oh, and he must have borrowed his hair from a blue merle collie.

9:25 pm May, 25 T Rex said...

oompa loompa? is that ye?

10:01 pm May, 25 Crocodile Dun Douche said...

Why is its skin a darker shade of red than its eyes?

Its like the horrid love child of Hellboy and Yasmin Bleeth… where is Rasputin when you need him.

10:56 pm May, 25 Wheezer said...

I recall the first appearance of Poopaloompa – not so much for the sheer audacity and fright, but for the very first comment on that thread. It’s a shame I can’t properly credit the poster, but the comment resonates with me. It is, I believe, verbatim:

.

“What the hell happened to men?”

.

Indeed, that comment is fitting here as well. He/she who first posted that comment, please step forward and accept my gratitude.

3:14 am May, 26 Euripidouche said...

if your anal pap test comes back that color, the doctor calls in a BP engineer about doing a junk shot with gorilla glue and golf balls under the failed blow out preventer, sealing the well head with a “top hat”, and drilling another hole on an angle.

7:55 am May, 26 DarkSock said...

I heard that the sole survivor of that terrible plane crash in Libya was one Dutch boy.

.

This must be him.

.

Too Soon?

9:50 am May, 26 Scroteophobic said...

@Dr Bunsen/Dicy

I am afraid that every test I can think of says that poo is an unbounded set. Every time you think you have defined its limits something worse comes up. Div(choad) is positive as is its derivative. There is only one logical and horrific end state. Eventually the Earth, Solar System and finally whole universe will get swole and bronze up. If you look at Jupiter you can see it starting – all those brown streaky lines of fake tan over white…

Hang on a minute… Dicy gave me an idea. We can put poo in a strong EM field and then sub in the Pooli matrices. Solving through we get a result analogous to that of Dirac which was used to predict antimatter. Do you see what this means? There must be anti-poo! Somewhere out there are particles that can be used to totally annihilate poo. To convert it to energy (clean energy at that). Get me a grant, 100 grad students and some time on the LHC, stat. We have a major breakthrough to make.

10:39 pm May, 31 Ramvid10 said...

Didn’t know that third degree burns were popular nowadays

Leave a Reply

What is 10 + 14 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)