Friday, May 7, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Today’s Friday finds your humble narrator hopped up on pixie stick sugar, only semi alcoholized, and dreaming of pensive marshmallow skies with floating boobies uponst their softness.

Yesterday I did the Adam Carolla podcast, and it should be going live in the next few weeks, so stay tuned for that.

As to last week’s vote for the Hall of Hott, there was simply too much disagreement, and I’ve ruled that all three did not make it. No, not even Brenda. It was a surprising vote, but the ‘bag hunters have spoken. And so we move on. Sadly. But Brenda is still in the running for a 2010 Douchie Award, so fear not.

Here’s your links:

As Jay Mohr’s career fades, his doucheyness rises.

Ten year old boy pulled out of school for looking like a douche.

Hot Chick with Elmobag.

Simply watching YouTube sensation Zuzana workout will exhaust you in 15 minutes, 30-45 seconds, depending on how many oysters you ate.

My latest Semitic brunette librarian hott obsession, the perfection of Israeli model Gal Gadot. More Gal. Gal Hott. Gal Uberhott. She makes my loins weep for the bleakness of a godless and cruel universe and humpty pillow gnaw as temporary salve.

This site gives HCwDB a nice shout out. Much obliged, fellow hunters.

In France, eagle-eyed reader Cary snaps a pasty shop that may or may not be run by Hall of Scrote legend Cro ‘Bagnon.

And over in Germany, the douches go for walks in their underwear.

Speaking of Germany, lets take a moment to mock the Hitlerbag. Chinpubes go on the upper lip, asswipe.

Okay, after Pumpito, I owe you double pear today. And I will not disappoint.

First up: Veranda Pear. As she contemplates the economic limitations of her third world region, we contemplate butt chomp.

And finally, because you’ve earned it, the long anticipated:

City Pear.

Cheeks that could crush wallnuts.

Go forth. Go forth and mock. And go forth and chomp. But, most importantly, tease someone with a faux.

# posted by douchebag1
1:09 pm May, 7 tall guy said...

Bloody city pear has an arse made for pounding.

1:10 pm May, 7 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

.

.

.

I Love Veranda and City Pear

.

.

.

**clicks off**

1:10 pm May, 7 bigphatnotadouche said...

I will now worship at the altar of Ass Pear. My week of mocking is complete.

1:29 pm May, 7 mr.reeve said...

Aaaaahhhhhhh!!! Thank you DB1. Today is complete and now the drinking will begin. Ass Pear!

1:39 pm May, 7 Bagnonymous said...

Meanwhile, in the background, Buffalo Beast holds up a vial of Darksock’s pee, collected tirelessly over the course of four and a half months from dozens of equestrian donors.

2:02 pm May, 7 tall guy said...

What’s with the look on the face of Hitlerbag’s girl?

2:11 pm May, 7 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

Wasn’t Jay Mohr always a douche, or was I watching someone else?

Also, I’d check out some books from the newest librarian hott, if you know what I mean.

HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Gimme a break, I’ve spent all week teaching hormonal high schoolers.

2:25 pm May, 7 mr.reeve said...

Jay may always have been a douche but he was pretty funny when I saw him do stand up in the late 90’s. Now Gary Un’ Married is VERY cutting edge material guys. Thanks for that one DB1.

2:33 pm May, 7 scrotum pole said...

Jay Mohr always cracks me up when he co-hosts the Jim Rome show. I haven’t seen any of his his television work, but the dude is funny.

Bagnonymous, nice BB post.

Veranda pear. Now that’s what I call porch beef. (or more properly balcony beef.)

City Pear, I’m not a Black Man, but you can crush my walnuts any time.

Damn, affirmative action.

2:38 pm May, 7 mr.reeve said...

I think the work out chick looks a lot like this hot. I might be wrong but who cares the chick is hot.

2:44 pm May, 7 Vin Douchal said...

When I saw the name “Zuzana” I thought Db1 meant

THIS CHICK

Go ahead google “zuzana drabinova” and shut off the filter. RRRrrr!!

2:45 pm May, 7 scrotum pole said...

@ Tall Guy

_

The look on Hitlerbags’s girl’s face says, “I never dreamed the Aryan master race would have such bad B.O.!”

2:57 pm May, 7 Troy Tempest said...

Well, I gots me a nice little computer. A brandy spankin new HP laptop. It works just fine and I can type on this website at speed. Now, all I need is the time to do so – not having a real computer backed me up… Argh.

.

But now I am all happiness and light because Ass Pear came and crushed my walnuts. Get some…. more walnuts?

3:02 pm May, 7 mr.reeve said...

Vin Douchal,

Nice work on Zuzana. Too bad I am supposed to be working.

3:07 pm May, 7 Baleen said...

Gal Gadot can eat my matzah balls any day.

3:10 pm May, 7 scrotum pole said...

The audio alone, in the Zuzana video can cause some serious twitches in the britches.

I completely forgive her for using a chair for the pull-ups. ‘Cause I’m a forgiving kind of a guy.

3:40 pm May, 7 Deltus said...

I was pleasantly surprised when looking at workout Zuzana. OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But I was in the same boat as Vin Douchal. I thought I was going to see the amazing awesomeness that is Zuzana Drabinova, who is just beyond uber gnaw.

4:13 pm May, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

It’s a pleasant surprise to see a douchebag wear the DIRTBAG tee-shirt in the thread photo while corraling the coral-dressed Carol, she of the covered ass-pear.

I’m inspired to plant coral geraniums in black dirt for Mother’s Day to present to the missus.

As for the other ass-pears, Boo-YAH!!

4:15 pm May, 7 massengill said...

Gotta love Zuzana vid and I gonna have to say I agree with scrotum pole: the audio is excellent! A++++

5:28 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

(in background)

Hey! Is Plinky’s Mom still here? We have the replacement fuse for her vibrator!

5:28 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

I’d pee in Zuzana’s GNC supplement stash.

7:06 pm May, 7 doucheblaster said...

lol thats pretty nasty dark sock and i see no reason…these eastern bloc hotts will let you pay to pee on them lol

zuzana and israeli hotts make a wonderful friday! maureen who?

8:08 pm May, 7 Troy Tempest said...

@Darksock – it doesn’t need a replacement fuse. They went internal combustion with it, so now all it needs is a kickstart.

8:29 pm May, 7 Troy Tempest said...

So, it seems the science geeks have run the numbers again and figured out that 1 – 4% of non-subSaharan African DNA is Neanderthal.

So that explains the douchebag disease. It’s a genetic feature. Certain social and economic configurations exploit these features and the result is douchebaggery. As it is clearly a male display issue, it fits very closely in with other mammalian species. So, it’s kind of like diabetes. We’re not supposed to get it because we’re not supposed to be eating sugar and refined carbs. Put humans in contact with sugar and refined carbs and bingo: diabetes.

Same with douchebags. See it as less a part of the Dance of Life, and more the Frolic of Entropy.

9:14 pm May, 7 Troy Tempest said...

So, like I just got off the phone…

And this old buddy of mine that I haven’t talked to in years because he’s a freaking LUNATIC seems to have turned into an old bag douchenozzle. A complete tool.

So, he signs up for some “meet a chick tonight” website and meats this middle aged chick who gets her rocks off by gettin humped in a closet filled a meter deep in styrofoam peanuts. He said it was weird, because after a while you’re almost weightless drowning in crunch bits of plastic. He said he noticed a bunch of broken ones, so she does this a lot.

I said “You lead a much more exciting life than I do, and I’m really glad it’s you and not me.”

He said, “Why?”

And I said “Well, obviously dude – if I was there like that and she showed me her closet and said “Jump in Babeeee” I’d bust out laughing so hard she’d kick me out the window.”

He laughed, “Heck this chick would have tossed your strings up into the phone wires.”

Word.

So, I asked him, “What do groovy guys like you do to engage the human mating ritual?”

He said, “We engage in frantic acts of economic suicide. This is followed by hours of preening ourselves out of self-pity, and once everything is clear, we strap on the white belt and work shirt and tell them like it was!”

It’s the final dying gasp of an idiot civilisation – decended from the NEanderthals who lived in great douchie neanderthal villages filled with women and kids and gardens, and pigs and women and pigs. The pigs were all named Gertie. Made for simpler crowd control. Just say in your dinner voice “Hey Gertie” and suddenly all the pigs are lovin’ it and singin’ “Oooo- wa oooo -wa baby, I will be your bacon in the morning!” The planar reaches of this whistlestop junk space ride back to the Zone tell us something VERY different.

We can surmise that the nothing adds up in digits – rounding error is the death of rational humanism. So, just walk with me a while, down this little countrylane, Saturday, 2010.

I talked to Ubu Roi – he said we’re gonna lose our shirts in the shitstorm.

9:42 pm May, 7 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Nice to see Anthony Peedis and Dina again after such a long break. Dude needs another shirt.

.

And a shovel to the face.

.

Gina needs my cockk inside her mayo packet.

.

Boss, outstanding doubleshot of asspear. Makes for a great ending to a superior week of mock.

9:46 pm May, 7 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

^Dina.

Crap. But I’m sure Gina could use it too. Another round for yours truly. Successful labor negotiations at one of our US mines. Four months later and the employees get a 5% pay raise in year One and management gets an easier contract to run the business buy. All are happy.

C-chishhhh…girglegirglegirle…glug glug glug!

Next week on to another contract.

GLUG GLUG GLUG!

9:57 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

Whilst tangentially relevant to the issue of Speer’s designs on Australia, I firmly believe that:

.

1.) any such WW2 vintage depiction of a Third Reich emblem on the Sydney Harbor bridge implies an assumption of eventual 3rd Reich conflict with their Japanese “allies” in the Axis. Albert Speer’s long view and perhaps Hitler’s ambitions as well are thusly revealed.

.

2.) Many anagrams resulting in “I peed in a horse once” also subsume the word “Speer”. This resultant nexus between my keen interest in the mechanics of the second world war and human/equine micturation issues (non-erotic, of course) will be the topic of my seventh in an ongoing series of missives to the leading living authority of all things WW2 – Tom Hanks (former co-star of the popular 80’s sitcom “Bosom Buddies”, which, like many of you, piqued my interest in the horrors of the 2nd Great War.

9:58 pm May, 7 DarkSock said...

^oops, wrong thread…

10:16 pm May, 7 Dicy said...

Mmmm Veranda Pear

That workout vid made me feel guilty for having to put off the gym for finals… boo!

Speaking of finals.. I’m done!

Now Im at my parents house… I came home to a 12 pack of Coors Light.. yay!

My parents are obviously WAY better than the parents of the spiked hair kid above.

10:35 pm May, 7 Wheezer said...

Wow, I gotta go fwap to the Ass Pears…..just as I predicted! Imagine that!

Hey Dicy – glad finals are finished and I hope you kicked ass on them!

11:34 pm May, 7 Dicy said...

@Wheezer Either I got smarter or my profs learned how to write doable tests cuz I’m pretty sure I rocked them all! Got 2 As and a B+ so far; still waiting on two more 😀

1:25 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

Gal Gadot may be hot, but is she necessarily librarian hot? hmm…

1:29 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

underwear walks suck. except when hotties walk around in underwear (to raise funds for cancer or something, let’s say).

don’t give me that deja vu crap. that’s not double standard.

… okay it is.

1:35 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

i lasted 29 seconds through the Zuzana video. count them. TWENTY NINE. not 30 or 45. i blame DB1 for false advertising.

in related news, i now have a hankering for oysters.

1:37 am May, 8 Steve L. said...

also, i thought black women are supposed to be tall enough to not require those ridiculous porn star high heels?

or whatever you call them, really. i may be in a minority for not being a fan of porn star high heels. meh.

2:48 am May, 8 Chad Kroeger said...

Sweet mother of Moses those Jew girls are nice looking. Why does David Rocco always cook Italian food when I wake up early?

5:56 am May, 8 scrotum pole said...

Veranda Pear looks out over the parking lot, and cries a salty fuccen tear.

Seems she left her lights on again in her red Neon, and it’s a long walk in those heels.

6:05 am May, 8 scrotum pole said...

It’s official. Gal Gadot replaces Golda Meir as the hottest all-time Isrealite.

4:23 pm May, 8 Mike said...

Hall of Hot worthy

7:14 pm May, 8 Wheezer said...

Dicy, that’s terrific! I hope your other finals produced similar results!

8:08 pm May, 8 Whoop-di-douche said...

To bigphatnotadouche:

When worshipping at the Altar of Asspear, be careful not to light the incense in the presence of she-farts.

9:26 pm May, 8 DarkSock said...

She-Färt is an awesome band name.

9:43 am May, 9 Euripidouche said...

well, if her dress is geographically accurate, ant the olde english D represents detroit, as a point of reference…

all i can say is

HOLY TOLEDO!

11:48 am May, 9 Bagnonymous said...

In my earlier post, I seemed to have overlooked the fact that the paint-splattered brunette hot has a terrific bumper. Simply magnificent! In fact, I think it could’ve sufficed for this week’s pear altogether. I just wonder how she gets that skirt to hug so tight underneath. Yowza!

2:15 pm May, 9 Netherbags said...

Le Cro Bag is also in Germany. You can see the Düsseldorf sign in the back

6:48 pm May, 9 Stephanie said...

As a girl, nothing sexy about the German in his tight whites.

8:00 pm May, 11 The Fox and the Douch said...

So, I’m pretty sure Hitlerbag’s Hott is Arianna Armani, the porn star.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/animenut/2869284203/

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