Friday, May 28, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Only a few muted thoughts, as we sail on into this Memorial Day Weekend, and Night Oranger greases up his chest shave to impress Chrissie.

And my thought is this: Life is like a teenage Samoan mudwrestler.

Onery. Dirty. And enjoys tasty samplings of assorted Beech’s candy after matches.

No idea what the hell I’m saying anymore. Here’s your links:

Squidbillies on Adult Swim gets into the animated douche mocking business. I approve.

The Village Voice blog riffs on the Ed Hardy condom, HCwDB style.

Speaking of the Hardpocalypse: Ed Cardy.

One of the greatest SNL sketches of all time: Lord and Lady Douchebag.

With apologies to the late, great Rodney Dangerfield for stealing his line: Now I know why tigers eat their young.

I find soccer to be root-canal painful to watch, but this ad is pretty genius.

Benny got five kids to feed!

And off Benny’s genius performance in one of the true masterpieces of the 1990s, I give you an assterpiece:

Squirt Pear.

Go forth unto Canaan and spread the word of ‘bag mocking. So sayeth Saul’s best friend, Morty. For it was another solid week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting. And you deserve your weekend.

# posted by douchebag1
1:29 pm May, 28 The Know said...

ASS PEAR!!!! MY WEEK IS COMPLETE.

1:30 pm May, 28 DarkSock said...

Dammit LAMP yer gettin’ rusty…

1:31 pm May, 28 Wedgie said...

Not quite the squirt pear I had in mind, but sufficient.

Have a nice weekend, reema’s.

1:34 pm May, 28 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

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I Love Squirt Pear

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**clicks off**

1:35 pm May, 28 DarkSock said...

There. That’s better.

1:49 pm May, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Have not looked at pear yet because I am in my parents basement for the night.

You almost drove me to mass murder with Jed The Creepy Wankscrote. Can we put Night Oranger in the closet of poo and let me finish my life in a proper time-frame.

1:50 pm May, 28 Bagnonymous said...

I generally find Nike’s advertising (and Gatorade, too) to be pretty douchey. But something–and I’m not sure what–really drew me into that ad after about 2 minutes and 08 seconds. It must’ve been something subliminal… something… magical.

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Just Do Ass Pear.

1:55 pm May, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Squirt Pear is some type of Asian and all things young and womanly. And I have to get rid of my moobs. And get drunk. And find a new house because my parents basement is increasingly uncomfortable while I am looking for a new house. And Mrs. Reverend Chad is getting old and cranky.

1:56 pm May, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And I like skinny pear. The Mrs. Reverend Chad’s measurements are 78-78-78. I must crink more.

1:58 pm May, 28 Bag Margera said...

Ed Hardy condom = Portable Fleshlight

1:59 pm May, 28 Vin Douchal said...

No, baby, I only wear the Ed Hardy condom ’cause my cocck is a douchebag, not me. I mean look at that thing squint and that mohawk fashioned out of pubes…. it ain’t me , I tell ya … it’s my cockk

2:00 pm May, 28 Bag Margera said...

2 minutes till I’m done work….

Ed Hardy condom = circumsized penis leftovers

2:03 pm May, 28 Bag Margera said...

Ed Hardy condom = A dark sock

aaaaaaand i’m out!

2:30 pm May, 28 DarkSock said...

A darkk cockk sockk

2:45 pm May, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“Just give me a sandwich and a douchebag and I can just about do anything!”

2:45 pm May, 28 Army of Douche-ness said...

1. I’ve never been with a woman with external squirting abilities but my best friend’s gf does and it makes me super jealous.

2. that was the greatest commercial ever.

3. I dont think I even could possibly have talked like that kid in the Dr Phil video, let alone actually raise a hand to my parents sans decapitation.

4. that the Ed Hardy condom (though it’s technically Audiger solo brand sans Ed Hardy trademark) wasn’t one of the first products on the line just shows how inept at even being douchey those folks are. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE AND DO YOUR MKT RESEARCH! this furthers their douchiness, if thats even possible.

2:46 pm May, 28 Deltus said...

Squirt pear, indeed.

2:49 pm May, 28 Mr. Biggs said...

Man I give up. Douchebags win.

2:54 pm May, 28 Crucial Head said...

It’s just about 3pm here in the city of angels, and thus begins the slow, steady descent into inebriation. A descent that is rife with hope that inevitably ends in sorrow and blackness… and a headache. But it is a duty that I must face on a nightly basis. For of such is the kingdom of architects – albeit I am one without the monetary and prescriptive means to afford the narcotics that DarkSock imbibes.

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Nevertheless, I bid you all a fair weekend full of “grabby operatic fondle hott” and devoid of ‘baggery. I am retireing to the Master Bateroom to “tuts my bareh” inappropriately.

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Cheers!

2:57 pm May, 28 Anonymous said...

Love the World Cup ad, but ‘Take It To The Next Level’ is still the best Nike commercial:

2:59 pm May, 28 Anonymous said...

Wait, no. This one:

3:09 pm May, 28 Fatness said...

Squirt pear is divine, but I wish there was some front to go along with that stunning back.

Happy MD weekend everyone.

3:09 pm May, 28 Douchus Christ said...

Ed Hardy condom FTW! Anything to stop these wankscrotes from reproducing, right?

3:34 pm May, 28 DoucheWeasel said...

Squirt pear disappoints…..

4:40 pm May, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Holy fuck. First it was Keith Moon. Then it was John Bonham. Now Gary Coleman. Why not the Sex movie girls?

God must love Sarah Jessica Parker and I am going to find her and kill her after Billy Bush told me to.

What you talking about Willis?

5:44 pm May, 28 I douche, therefore I am said...

Okay, I know you Americans know nothing about Soccer, but at least after David Beckham, you guys should realise that Cristiano Ronaldo is douchescrote on a silver platter… I mean c’mon… it’s so friggin’ obvious…

So, no, I don’t agree with that “this ad is pretty genius” assessment. Get some.

6:01 pm May, 28 Troy Tempest said...

If I was that kid and pulled that, I’d have been thumped into oblivion.

No child of mine has yet to pull a manoeuvre like that. That kind of behaviour is so off limits in Chez Tempest it’s not even funny.

that fat little fuck is a future Douchebag. Some day he will descend to the level of the other great sociopathic assholes featured in this site – donk, Fishslap, maybe even Hooligan if he starts working out.

Of course, if he doesn’t work out, he’ll just end up like Droopy McScrote

6:30 pm May, 28 Wedgie said...

Just had a few margaritas and then went to Costco with Mrs. W to stock up for the Memorial Weekend drunkfest in So Cal. Wow, what a fuccen show. I just love where I live, all year long. It’s like the circus, only better, ’cause it comes with so much plastic surgery.

I hope I never sober up, not ever. It’s the only way to stay sane here.

BTW, is that Ricky Martin?

7:22 pm May, 28 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

XD ….I love Benny!!!!

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…in a totally non-ghey sort of way of course.

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…and Squirt Pear hath caused much rejoicing in the land of my pants. Many thanks boss!

7:59 pm May, 28 Alpha Bettingfield said...

Samoan wrestlers are more ornery than onery

8:53 pm May, 28 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Mmmmm… Squirt pear.

.

I have only one thing to say about that.

8:58 pm May, 28 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Squirt pear made something in my pants hard. I wonder what it is?

9:51 pm May, 28 Steve said...

Okay, I know you Americans know nothing about Soccer, but at least after David Beckham, you guys should realise that Cristiano Ronaldo is douchescrote on a silver platter… I mean c’mon… it’s so friggin’ obvious…

So, no, I don’t agree with that “this ad is pretty genius” assessment. Get some.

9:57 pm May, 28 Euripidouche said...

that ad had nothing to do with football.

it was long boring and pointless, to tell you the truth, it reminded me of soccer, if that’s possible, because i have no memory of soccer.its like underwater basketweaving or midwifery, i have no recall of ever seeing any of these things, and can’t imagine why they would be considered difficult.

10:26 pm May, 28 Dicy said...

Based on things I’ve ‘heard’, I wasn’t expecting that from Squirt Pear, but Iz happy all the same.

Also, Crucial, you’re an architect? So is my dad! And my dad is awesome. So can we be best friends?

10:46 pm May, 28 Wheezer said...

Squirt Pear is well-named – onomatopoeically so, for that matter. See: my pants.

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And of course, someone else who routinely makes me squirt my drinks all over my monitor did it again on the Ed ‘Tardy Condom article. And no, you can safely bet it wasn’t “michael jackson”…..

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===============

DarkSock says:

I peed in a horse once.

Posted On: Friday, May. 28 2010 @ 4:31PM

===============

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DarkSock – equippin’ equines with groinal Gatorade since 19_____…..with unending brilliance.

11:42 pm May, 28 Euripidouche said...

the headline “top ten tweets to a dead gary coleman” on the site with the audiger jimmy hats…

i don’t see what the big deal is, everything else the guy makes is filled by a dick, and is surrounded by pussies.

11:43 pm May, 28 tall guy said...

Bloody hell! Squirt Pear is the best thing i’ve seen for a long time. Imagine…I’m sure you already have.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. My dad was in the Pacific war and imprisoned in Papua New Guinea. God love the allies forces.

12:28 am May, 29 Calving Bronco said...

@DoucheWeasel

Was it the lack of length, or the lack of girth?

5:34 am May, 29 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

That “Dr.” Phil (yes, I must put doctor in quotations when referring to Mr. “Dr.” Phil because he’s such a retarded money-grubbing hack of an assclown that it sickens me to adorn his name with such a prestigious title) clip has enlightened me to the cause of all douchebaggery. Simply put:

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Our youth is not beaten enough. Not nearly enough.

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Fuck that mother for not punching that little twerp right in the face. And fuck her for buying her son a pink polo. She is reaping what she has sewn.

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And she sewed a douche.

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Hooray for squirt pear.

6:41 am May, 29 doucheywallnuts said...

Soccer is a sport best seen in three minute stylized music videos complete with bleethy hotts.

I wish stomach cancer on the fat kid and on his fat cunt of a mother who created that fucking fat pig. In that clip most of what’s wrong with America in 2010 is on display.

And for the record, the real squirting is the penultimate experience…I’m just sayin’.

6:59 am May, 29 DarkSock said...

Okay, I know you Americans know nothing about Soccer, but at least after David Beckham, you guys should realise that Cristiano Ronaldo is douchescrote on a silver platter… I mean c’mon… it’s so friggin’ obvious…

So, no, I don’t agree with that “this ad is pretty genius” assessment. Get some.

7:10 am May, 29 DarkSock said...

I woke hungover with “tuts mah bareh” looping over and over in my brainpan set to KC & The Sunshine Band’s “Shake Your Booty”…

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Tuts tuts tuts…Tuts tuts tuts….Tuts Mah Bareh…”

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I blame C. A. Head. And KC. And the makers of Bulleitt bourbon in the 750 ml size flagon.

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Dicy: Crucial and I are the same person, so by extension I, too, am an architect. BFF!

7:50 am May, 29 mr.reeve said...

There was a fine looking Brazilian ass in that Nike commercial I needed to see more off. Squirt made up for it though.

One night of drinking down and 3 days of drinking to go. Life is good. Ass Pear was great.

8:46 am May, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

Gads, that little fat kid. I suppose being pumped full of sugar, preservatives and saturated fats would make one ornery. And having a spineless twit for a mother isn’t helping.

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Fear not, ‘Baghunters, for karma abounds. One does indeed reap what he sows and the balance of the universe will always restore itself. Douchebags will get what the deserve in the end. Observe…. A scar for life, and ugly blight, and what hopefully will breed a hideous staph infection. There is justice, people. Sleep well and may your barbecues this weekend be drunken and bountiful. Oh, and boobies.

11:05 am May, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Dear Lord, Medusa, what is that thing?

3:53 pm May, 29 Whoop-di-douche said...

Somehow, when I hear-see the words “Squirt Pear” I am expecting a live video money shot.

5:36 pm May, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

I swear every new picture of NO looks more and more like a greased shaved weasel, ready to go up Richard Gere’s arse.

Vicuos ugly rumor? Probably. Fitting idiom? Yes.

5:38 pm May, 30 Crucial Head said...

@Dicy,

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We can be friends, sure. But I prefer the term “bosoms buddies.”

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Hollah!

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