Tuesday, May 11, 2010

HCwDB in the New York Times: "Signs of Neanderthals Mating With Humans"

Speaking of Pumpito, The New York Times Science Section begins the long, arduous process of explaining the biology of Hottie/Douchey cohabit:

——

Signs of Neanderthals Mating With Humans

By NICHOLAS WADE

Published: May 6, 2010

Neanderthals mated with some modern humans after all and left their imprint in the human genome, a team of biologists has reported in the first detailed analysis of the Neanderthal genetic sequence.

The biologists, led by Svante Paabo of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, have been slowly reconstructing the genome of Neanderthals, the stocky hunters that dominated Europe until 30,000 years ago, by extracting the fragments of DNA that still exist in their fossil bones. Just last year, when the biologists first announced that they had decoded the Neanderthal genome, they reported no significant evidence of interbreeding.

Scientists say they have recovered 60 percent of the genome so far and hope to complete it. By comparing that genome with those of various present day humans, the team concluded that about 1 percent to 4 percent of the genome of non-Africans today is derived from Neanderthals. But the Neanderthal DNA does not seem to have played a great role in human evolution, they said.

Experts believe that the Neanderthal genome sequence will be of extraordinary importance in understanding human evolutionary history since the two species split some 600,000 years ago.

———

Experts also believe the Neanderthal genome sequence will help explain douchebags like Smoot, pictured here.

Read the rest of the article here.

EDIT: And in related media news, the inane lawsuit filed against my book makes The Huffington Posts Most Frivolous Lawsuits of All Time.

# posted by douchebag1
9:17 am May, 11 Hank Moody said...

When I heard about this report I thought of you DB1. You are not hunting douche you are unravelling a genome. Apply instantly for funding from the NSF. Moody, out.

9:18 am May, 11 Claude Douchenburg said...

And they call this NEWS? Hell some of my best friends are part Neanderthal.

9:19 am May, 11 mr.reeve said...

While I know Smoot is a giant bag, the bald headed Flex-bag in the back might actually be the biggest chode stain in the picture. White pants and black wife beater? WINNER!!!!

The chick is all Bleethe and can not be helped.

9:31 am May, 11 Vin Douchal said...

In Smoot’s case it may be more like retarded gibbons mating with humans.

9:37 am May, 11 Crucial Head said...

Pfah, garbed in infra-red goggles and Gore-Tex tank-top, briefly glanced at the camera as he tracked Buffalo Beast through the crowd.

9:37 am May, 11 RAPETIME said...

Neanderthals had bigger brains than modern humans. I doubt very much Smoot has this characteristic.

9:42 am May, 11 massengill said...

I think they should turn that around and say that “humans mated with Neanderthals,” not vice-versa. You know it was closing time and some humans just picked up some straggler Neanderthals and hooked up with them.

9:58 am May, 11 Deltus said...

I wonder if we could prevent Neandertals like Smoot from mating with human hotts on the grounds that it’s interspecies mating, and such is illegal? Something to consider lobbying for.

10:04 am May, 11 Bag Margera said...

I’m thinking steroids may be possibly enhancing the neanderthal gene. Let’s hope it leads to their extinction again.

10:09 am May, 11 Tony Ventresca said...

I suggest reading more about the neanderthal history as there are indications that they may have been wiped out by humans, making it the first genocide in history. Yay, humanity! Systematically exterminating our “enemies” since 30,000 BC!

10:19 am May, 11 Bagnonymous said...

The blonde hott was so full after the hot-dog eating contest that she had to undo her waistband. She later found out, much to her dismay, that those weiners were not of the Oscar Mayer variety.

10:25 am May, 11 Bagnonymous said...

^ wieners

.

F*ck you, it’s still funny!

10:26 am May, 11 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

what’s with the huge-ass jeweled sunglasses on these tools? those should only be worn by elderly jewish women in sarasota after cataract surgery.

10:34 am May, 11 Fatness said...

STDs on the hoof. And she’s quite the goat.

10:40 am May, 11 Douche of Hazard said...

I always wonder what these guys do for work. How do they support themselves? You just can’t go into corporate america and look this douchey.

10:45 am May, 11 End the Haberdouchery said...

Smoot: Another satisfied Shake-Weight customer.

10:46 am May, 11 Chevy Doucherado said...

Good to see smoot again. He’s a real classic. Solid as a rock. Or at least a frozen turd.

Fuck you, Smoot

10:49 am May, 11 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

I think I read somewhere that Neanderthals had difficulty standing upright. Explains a lot.

11:09 am May, 11 massengill said...

“On the rear cover there is a quote ‘Douchebags need a smack.’ This quote is attributable to ‘Gandhi.'”

11:26 am May, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

I see two people in this pic that take it in the ass. The girl is not one of them.

11:27 am May, 11 Euripidouche said...

i’m sure at the time, neanderthals thought we were the stupid ones…ha stupid pleistocenes.

where the research would get interesting, at least to me, is if they could interpret the genome crossovers from the perspective of human female/male neanderthal and female neanderthal/human male, it could put a whole spin on who was zooming who, at least by percentage. i also expect that had richard pryor lived to see this day he would be laughing his ass off. i mean this has got to have comedy potential out the ass. maybe paul mooney can do it justice, someone has to.

11:28 am May, 11 bagwagger said...

Kinda wish I hadn’t clicked on the lawsuit link. That was the first I’d heard of Tomas Delgado, who was driving over the speed limit when he hit and killed a 17-year-old on a bicycle. After being cleared because the kid’s bike had no reflectors, he sued the kids’ parents for damage to his Audi A-8. Does that even count as douchey, or is it so far off the charts that it deserves its own terminology?

11:37 am May, 11 my friends call me @$$hole said...

smoot… still legend…

12:04 pm May, 11 Adi said...

Wow, just from the neck up he’s already setting off douche alarms 100 miles away. The fauxhawk, the blingy sunglasses, and a soul patch. As for the guy standing left of him, a pizzeria called, they want their tablecloth back. I think even the girl warrants a bag status in this one.

12:06 pm May, 11 Army of DOuche-ness said...

Smoot looks like he’s trying to be a member of The Misfits here and/or Avenged Sevenfold which is just wannabe Misfits but he’s not and probably doesn’t even know The Misfits.

Smoot, With just a touch of my burning hand

I send my astro zombies to rape the land

Prime directive, exterminate

The whole human race

And your face drops in a pile of flesh

And then your heart, heart pounds

Till it pumps in death

Prime directive, exterminate

Whatever stands left

All I wanted to say

And all I gotta do

Who’d I do this for

Hey, me or you

And all I wanted to say

And all I gotta do

Who’d I do this for

Hey, me or you

Oh, all I want to know

All I want

With just a touch of my burning hand

I’m gonna live my life to to destroy your world

Prime directive, exterminate

The whole fuckin’ race

Then your face drops in a pile of flesh

And then your heart, heart pounds

And it pumps in death

Prime directive, exterminate

The whole fuckin’ place well

All I wanted to say

And all I gotta do

Who’d I do this for

Hey, me or you

And all I wanted to say

And all I gotta do

Who’d I do this for

Hey, me or you

Oh, all I want to know

All I want to know

All I want to know

All I want oh

Go”

12:12 pm May, 11 Whoop-di-douche said...

Of those humans roaming the earth who are douche, Bleeth or some similarly nasty simian-like mammals, of course there is no evolution. There is only overabundance of Neanderthal genes, or more horrifying, devolution.

So much neandering around just makes it bound to happen.

12:20 pm May, 11 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

None shall question the almighty awesomeness that is SMOOOOOOOOOT!

12:31 pm May, 11 Whoop-di-douche said...

Why, even the drooping palms display their disapproval, thumbs down, with the spikey hair of a douchebag.

12:42 pm May, 11 Bag Margera said...

@DB1

Doesn’t the case dismissal on the grounds of satire mean you don’t have to take pictures down on the website, if people complain and threaten to sue?

12:47 pm May, 11 Fatness said...

I think he does it as part of the gag, and it *is* funny to read the take-down demands.

2:20 pm May, 11 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

Speaking of gag. This guy should become a sword swallower, then screw it up really bad & bleed out. I’m afraid the lickable Hott is beyond help at this point, but there is always hope.

2:46 pm May, 11 doucheywallnuts said...

On an unrelated note, Svante Paabo is a cool name.

I feel that many bleeths pictured here are douchebagettes and, therefore, it is no mystery that they are attracted to the douchebags. The picture that accompanies this post is a primo example of this phenomenon.

3:30 pm May, 11 Markdouchery said...

That’s two as in inches

3:40 pm May, 12 Steve L. said...

where’s Cro-Bagnon when you need him? don’t tell me he actually understands human emotions like “shame”.

4:35 am May, 13 Douche Equis said...

So great to see Smoot again. The man defines douche. So much so that when I saw this picture I said to myself, “God, what a douchebag.” And then I answered myself “Yeah, really.” Am I reduced to the mental powers of an eighth grader in the presence of Smoot? Yes, I am.

7:54 am May, 13 jon said...

wow

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