Monday, May 24, 2010

HCwDB of the Month

Staring at images of tropical island pseudo-intellectualism and Jack Bauer torturing people may be entertainment for some. I prefer to mock a choad and fondle a hottie anklet. So lets fire up the real social change, hottie/douchey style. Bring it.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Night Oranger and Chrissie

The orange.

It burns.

The flamethrower. It does nothing.

And lets not forget Night Oranger’s greased up shirtless macking on Chrissie in pic #2.

The ‘Ranger brings 80s power ballad scrotery to this jam band karaoke onslaught.

And Chrissie is delightful, even more so in pic #2 when she washes off the Dorothy kink and takes off the granny pants.

That’s some quality HC and DB. But enough to win the Monthly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Lint Diesel, Curvie Carrie and Pimpin’ Jon Favreau

Lint is all that is orange, chest shaven and groin exposing about where our society has collapsed in 2010.

Curvy Carrie is drunk, boozy, and will totally make out with you if you listen to her complain about what a bitch her roommate is for 45 minutes first.

Together, they make elephantiasis of the nadsack in National Geographic pictures.

The desire to lick one’s own chest, even if it is a misbegotten attempt at ass pear bite, is a noteworthy douche move in a year without notable new gestures emerging. So for that, this pic deserves highlight.

Jon Favreau just wants to pretend to be humble and regular while cashing the Iron Man 2 checks.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra

We haven’t had a true Oldbag make it this far in awhile, and Old Bernie Schwartz brings tri-vag chin pubes and pleather jacket to the fight.

Kendra is pure giggle with a dash of pout, and I would honor her genetics by reading her dirty limericks, making her listen to Barry White, and then humping her stuffed animals in the linen closet while she was out picking up her cat from the animal hospital after Mr. Sparkles hurt his moomoo on the drapes.

Yup.

No idea what I’m saying.

But Bernie’s a douche. And Kendra is clearly hott fondle. But douche/hott enough to win the Monthly and compete in the Yearly? There’s one more to consider:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Flex Luthor and Jennifer

This Bro Flex brings classic Jerz meathead to the game.

Unfortunately in the age of T.V. Jerz Guido Douchebag mocking, the desire to mock these twatwaffles on the site has gone down. Instead I’ve noticed a trend for us to focus on alternative douche, rather than classic douche lately.

Which makes sense. Just as music trends change, the classic Jerz Guid will lose resonance as a cultural object of scorn.

But still. This bro needs mocking.

And Jennifer is gum snapping annoying-hott, which is its own form of hottness that cannot be denied even if it can be resented.

So them’s your four.

Which is potent enough, toxic enough, and noteworthy enough to deserve to call itself HCwDB of the Month and earn its slot at the 2010 Douchie Award HCwDB of the Year competition in December?

Help a brotha out, since I woke my ass up early to write this post and feel sad if you don’t vote. So vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:09 am May, 24 Douchble Helix said...

Old Bag Dustin Hoffman, star of ‘Pootsie’ FTW.

7:13 am May, 24 mr.reeve said...

I vote for Bernie the 80sbag. Bernie’s white mandana, white break dancing zipper filled jacket, bad facial hair, gangsta signs and orange skin are just too strong for me to ignore. Plus Kendra is all natural hottness. American Pie hottness and Bernie is pure American Club Scene Douche. Bernie for the win please.

7:25 am May, 24 uscrascal said...

even though Lint Diesel has compounded his g.s.r. by also unbuttoning his jeans; even though Old Bernie Schwartz is pathetically old-looking; even though Flex Luthor sports the classic Jerz hallmark of unnaturally swollen veins on top of kissy lips…. you really can’t beat the eccentricity of the Night Oranger. spray tan, wax chest, package hugging white pants, and jerry curl… what a combo!! definitely, FTW!!

7:26 am May, 24 Mock Turtle said...

A strong field, but Kendra stands out, not just for general hotness, but that whole cheerleader/pepsodent-smile/sweet-natured look that demands protection from the slime of douchebaggery. Which Bernie just happens to exemplify to perfection; while the spew-inducing outfit is good, the triple-beardette affectation seals the deal. This is not just a clear “of the month”, we have a major contender for “of the year”, here.

7:30 am May, 24 Big Tony Ventresca said...

I vote for #4, Jennifer and Flex Luthor, because he’s wearing eye shadow, which automatically catapults him into the lead in my book. Why not the others? Night Oranger (#1) is too white trash to be a true douchebag, which pre-supposes some ability to afford overpriced bling, while Old Bernie Schwartz (#3) is just middle-aged living-on-past-glories sad. Pimpin Jon Favreau (#2) is a normal dude so he gets a pass, and for some confusing reason I would really like to fuck Lint Diesel, so he too gets a pass, despite my usually better judgement.

7:45 am May, 24 Red Headed Woman said...

No. 2.

7:48 am May, 24 ehcuodouche said...

Gonna have to go with Lint in the monthly. The rest of the candidates give their picture a center of focus. Flex gets you to look at his guns, Bernie has the fantastic pairing of leather jacket and face. Night Oranger has the Cyndi Lauper theme music.

But in Lint’s picture I don’t know what to look at. “Whoa, groin shave reveal.” “Look at the cans on that bimbo.” “What is wrong with that dudes’ face?” “Is he licking his own tit?” “How does she fit into that dress?” “No seriously does that guy have any teeth?” “She’s totally gonna get date raped.” “Ugh, and the pants are already unbuttoned.”

So, Lint, for destroying all possibility of coherent photographic composition with his douchiness.

8:18 am May, 24 Dicy said...

Old Bag FTW. He’s extra creepy. And Kendra is extra sweet.

8:19 am May, 24 Douchesquire said...

Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie FTW. After a weekend trip to the city of brotherly scrote, and having my eyes burned by the sight of so many classic Guido-douches, I am in a full on rage regarding douches of that ilk.

And because the GSR is caustic, and her boobies look like a great place to pass some time.

8:23 am May, 24 retard said...

Bernie,

Quick fucking around and finish my taxes. I’m not going to file an extra extension this year.

8:26 am May, 24 Woj said...

#4 for sure. There is no hope for him. He has passed years of time in in the ego inflating environment of the “gym” picking up on ‘cougs, spotting other bro-bags for squats, and harassing poor innocent girls like Jen (look how she mocks him to her friends). his douche attitude is literally ingrained in every ounce of muscle on his body. there is no hope. He is greater than the others.

8:31 am May, 24 my friends call me @$$hole said...

Night Oranger cause if i gotta’ see a picture of his cameltoe and not hers i’ma’ be pist, we gotta’ keep an eye on these two till we get to the REAL pics of Chrissie no matter how much it may hurt…

8:32 am May, 24 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Lint shows obvious signs of severe narcissism; not uncommon amongst the ‘bags, but his is an especially nauseating case. Note the unbuttoned pants GSR and attempt to fellate himself. And curvie, buxom Carrie is in just the kind of state I like: intoxicated and ready to make some poor decisions. Unfortuneately she found herself next to the likes of Lint. Favreau is so not money and doesn’t even know it.

.

So for my money, it’s got to be Lint. And by money, I mean Alka-Seltzer.

.

LD and Carrie FTM

8:34 am May, 24 justadouchalo said...

In the name of equal opportunity, Old Bag Bernie gets the win for answering the question, “What would Bob Dylan look like if he gained 100 pounds and dressed like douche bag?” Bonus points for Ivory Girl Kendra. Honorable mention to Kendra for the uppercut she’s about to deliver to Flex Luthor’s roid bloated mug.

8:37 am May, 24 rudedog said...

I’m feeling in a classical mood today, so gotta give it to Flex.

8:44 am May, 24 Et Tu Douche said...

While I’ve determined in my mind that Night Oranger and Chrissie, are some Brazilian dance duo Ala Dancing with the stars Sau Paulo edition. While douchey I believe they aren’t that vapid thus I have to pass on them. Old bag Bernie is just pathetic thus not warranting a win. Flex Luthor is a dime a dozen scrote.

So I have to go with Lint Diesel & Curvie Carrie for the win. He encapsulates the whole DB spectrum from the 2 earrings in one lobe, to the GSR, unbuckled pants, chest reveal and most importantly his narcissistic behavior in the presence of such a curvy boozy Hott.

8:46 am May, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Old Bernie Schwartz for the win. Kendra wandered away minutes after the picture was taken because her break was over and the customers weren’t going to seat themselves. Between the bursts of high pitched laughter and the wide-eyed “Gawd, are you serious? You are! You’re serious! OMIGAWD!”, the rest of the night did not go much better for Bernie.

.

He left alone at 2:00 am, stumbled into his one-bedroom condo overlooking the cement plant on the opposite side of the expressway, downed half a bottle of ambien, then shot himself repeatedly in the left temple with his Wonder-Gust airsoft pistol until he soiled himself and passed out from the pain.

.

Arriving hung over and swollen 43 minutes late to the call center, he was given a written warning by his supervisor, an elephantine woman 20 years younger than him, who he then had to listen to over the cubicle wall tell all of his co-workers about her amazing lesbian hook-up the night before with a sweet young blonde named Kendra.

.

Because some douchebags never give up, Old Bernie the creepy guy at the Buckle who always buys his t-shirts off the woman’s side of the store for the win.

8:49 am May, 24 Douche Springsteen said...

Strong field of competitor’s this month. High contrast via the dark shadows of douche and the bright lights of hott. After much introspection (well, the time it took to smoke a cigarette and get down my first cup of coffee) I believe Night Oranger and Chrissie to be worthy of this month’s title. First off, I’m intrigued by them. All 3 other pairings are clearly within the context of a nightclub/bar environment, where are they? Those outfits don’t even fit in at an “ironic” bad 80s party. And while Chrissie may not be the caliber of hott that the other pairings bring, she’s still a sweet kid that shouldn’t be anywhere near that mooseknuckle, greasy hair & puka shell necklace. Fuck you, Night Oranger. Go motorin’ somewhere else.

8:51 am May, 24 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

I must go with the Night Oranger and Chrissie. The others bring bile to the throat, but the fact that they chose their outfits to coordinate with the club’s (biggest club in Tallahassee!!!) lighting puts them over the edge for me.

8:53 am May, 24 massengill said...

Hatter in the house!

.

For having the facial hair of a foppish Satan, I give it to the old Bernie ‘bag.

8:58 am May, 24 dbBen said...

Lint Diesel

These guys have a million reasons that they’re not douchebags or that the db life is acceptable. I only need one reason to tattoo a scarlet DB below your navel, and that reason is GSR.

Side-note – being an oldbag is punishment in and of itself.

9:12 am May, 24 Crucial Head said...

The Hottest Chick with the Biggest Douchebag this month goes to Curvie Carrie and Lint Diesel.

.

Or, as he’s affectionately called around my household: The Lord of Men’s Flies. Yes, my wife suckered me into watching the Lost finale (even though I haven’t watched that lumbering train wreck since Season 2).

.

Hence, the massive hangover this morning.

9:15 am May, 24 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

I am sure many will say that Old Bernie cannot run with the young ‘bags, but Kendra is sunshine and apple pie with a bit of Hustler Magazine hiding just underneath. And Bernie is what Samurai Scrote will look like at age 44.

9:20 am May, 24 Mr. Biggs said...

Night Oranger. Fresh young adventurous hott trapped in a young pile of pure taint … it is a coupling like this which is the cause of all the other couplings you see below.

If the young hotts didn’t fall for douchebags like NO, there would be no men constantly pumping iron at the gym in the hopes of getting the hott. The GSR would be moot as an object of cultural value. And most of all, the oldbags wouldn’t keep macking on the newest generation in hopes of reliving what they lost when the hotts of their generation fell for the corresponding douchebags.

9:24 am May, 24 Condouchious say... said...

lint b/c in addition to an itemized list of douche signifiers (i.e. gsr, ab reveal, fake tan, spike dhair, stupid bling) he has something i mentioned when i voted for him in the weekly contest: excessive narcissism which is the unifier amongst all ‘bags. in fact he has reached the apex of narcissism where he chose self-love in the prescence of hott.

9:24 am May, 24 Merle Baggard said...

Lint. He’s hoping that if he licks himself he’ll taste like a creamsycle, but reality will be more like bacon grease.

9:26 am May, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Old Bernie has earned his spot in the monthly by breaking his covenant with the god of Abraham and consuming all the smoked porch beef in New Jersey. As I type on a beautiful Memorial Day, Ezekial weeps and sweet Moses in heaven is breaking his tablets again while l enjoy a banquet of Manechivitz and potato knishes.

Bernie is pure poo anf the fourth horseman of the douchepocalypse.

9:27 am May, 24 colossus of choads said...

Gotta be oldbag Schwartzey.

He’s not smiling.

9:36 am May, 24 Turdacious said...

Joey Dabone from Ndouche for the win

9:41 am May, 24 creature said...

much pond scum in this grouping of grossly attired gals & gents… running the gamut from circus freak to frat choad to old bag to classic guid

I must however cast my vote for Bernie, because he is by far the most ridiculous, & I have the best shot at nabbing his hott whilst he adjust his Members Only jacket & Hirohito mandana… & I sure as shit don’t roll on Shabbas

9:46 am May, 24 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

Aaah, jheri curl and a pencil mustache. Eriq Lasalle rocked that combo in “Coming to America” as Darryl the Soul Glo heir, and from the first moment he chucked a milkshake at Prince Akeem before taking off in his red muscle car, the cinematic brotherbag was born, much the way as the chimp bashing the ox skull with the thigh bone in the shadow of the obelisk in “2001: a Space Odyssey” was the preeminent cinematic dawn of humankind. Orange Ranger demonstrates that an especially risible hairstyle does not need to stay confined within the race which gave it birth. He’s kind of like Martin Luther King that way, if only MLK was a titanic choad instead of the moral compass of the nation.

Orange Ranger has a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the tradition of American douchebaggery. He has a dream that one day, America will live by a new credo, one of groin shaving and mandanas for all. Orange Ranger has a dream that one day, in the pool at the Mandalay Bay, the children of Ed Hardy-wearing meatheads and the children of patchouli-reeking stonerbags will be able to sit down at the bar of brotherhood, and slip roofies to girls in the same batchelorette party. Orange Ranger has a dream that one day his children will live in a country that judges them not by what color of orange their skin is, but by the content of their male camel toe. And when this happens, it will speed up the day when all of God’s douchebags, brotherbags and guidos, toothless hillbillies in Affliction T-Shirts and frat choads, suburban wanna-be gangsters and middle eastern emigres with too many medallions and jeans three sizes too small, can join in pumping their fists and sing in the words of that old Douchebag spiritual:

Sun dress, undress, blow her back out, beyotch.

Unlike Martin Luther King’s dream, however, it is of vital importance that we as a society fight Orange Ranger’s dream with all of our will, all of our wisdom and all of our wit. Making him douchebag of the month is imperative in that fight. And if Chrissie, who fall far short of Curvaceous Carrie, gets dragged along for the ride, that’s just something regrettable that has to happen to stem the orange tide threatening to seep out of Vegas, Jersey, and Miami, and stain us all. Orange Ranger and Chrissie FTW.

9:46 am May, 24 mj booshwa said...

Ah Lint Diesel. Lest we forget to mention the other new move of “Fly unbutton when Hottie is not looking”

9:51 am May, 24 Paul Muad'douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach said...

I feel like a complete moron. It’s Night Oranger, not Orange Ranger. My bad. That doesn’t change my essential point, though, that Night Oranger is so toxic as to demand recognition as douchebag of the month, and eventual punching bag for Stackhouse in his yearly coronation.

9:56 am May, 24 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Lint FTW. He’s got an inebriated, feral hott and most importantly he is classic club douche.

Given the rapidly multiplying strains of douchedom that have gone viral (literally) of late (e.g., jerz guids, alternascrotes, general purpose freaks), it’s important to get back to basics — greasy club choads, like Shiny Head Sheldon who never got the respect (disdain) he so richly deserved.

9:56 am May, 24 E-blo's Last Thought said...

Frank Stallone…errr…Flex for the win.

.

.

.

I mean, LOOK AT HIM.

.

.

.

Seriously.

9:57 am May, 24 DarkSock said...

I can just LOOK at Night Oranger and I know that he reeks of Aqua Velva. Add to that his general cheesiness and overall cheddary hue and you have this Aqua Velveeta scrotering past the finish line FTWBAMN (For The Win, By A Moose Knuckle).

9:58 am May, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Dirty limericks, eh.. Kendra ? ……

Kendra loves the dirty limmerick

Posing with an oldbag schmendrick

My cockk it would fit

Where she takes a shit

Yes indeed that’s the orafice I would pick

Kendra for the win …. and that douchebag with her …

10:03 am May, 24 Whoop-di-douche said...

LINT, Carrie and Pimpin’ Jon. cuz I SAY SO!! She’s so damn hott, hurricanes use her for refueling their storm surges.

10:11 am May, 24 End the Haberdouchery said...

Lint Diesel FTW. Simultaneously taking off your shirt and pants for a party photo makes you about as classy as Christian Audigier’s tiger, skull, and rose covered bidet.

Carrie is delicious, although clearly encourages ass-hattery.

10:13 am May, 24 Axe Douche said...

Bernie without a doubt

10:18 am May, 24 Baleen said...

gotta go with Bernie the Oldbag because even though his nutsack is hanging low these days, it takes some special cojones to rock the spooge-proof Members Only hazmat jacket and mandanna when your pushing fifty. Juxtapose this with Kendra’s girl-next-door smile, scent of Noxema, and bubbley handwriting, and you’ve got yourself a monthly. I doubt these two have what it takes for the yearly, but oldbags have a special place in my heart.

10:25 am May, 24 Bagnonymous said...

I have a feeling this will turn out to be a widely-varied race. But I’m going with the Night Oranger and Sister Chrissie. After Pic #2, sister Chrissie has been growing on me like an infectious, boner-inducing fungus. Meanwhile, the Night Oranger has caused a burning sensation when I pee–and it looks like Tang®, too.

10:26 am May, 24 doucheywallnuts said...

Lint Diesel FTW. Breaking out a new douchebag move – the “Self Lick” – is reason enough to give Lint my vote, but Lint also brings some classic douche cred to the table in the form of the hair, clothes, groin shave, bleeth and jewelery. Lint also offers the underrated – or even ignored – douche accessory, “the non-douche loser side kick.” Bernie is a sentimental pick for second based on the pathetic nature of his look – the Members Only Jacket only gets you so far. NOran is quite the freak, and is quality DBotW material, but he creeps me out more than he compels me to mock. Or more accurately he does compel me to mock, but it’s the creep factor that compels me, not his doucheness. And Flex is also good, but he’s ordinary douche, which is good for contention, but not the win.

10:27 am May, 24 Bagnonymous said...

^ DAMMIT, OPEN FORMATTING!! BAGNONYMOUS FAAAAILLLLLSS!!!!!

10:31 am May, 24 Anthony LaBaglia said...

Faggy hat, faggy shirt, faggy designer jeans with the wear patterns already on them, large inexpensive watch, being short and Italian, orange-red in color, flexing muscles at an inappropriate time/place, hanging out in an establishment with a thousand fucking t.v.s, some kind of studs sewn into the aforementioned gay shirt, camo indoors at night, dick-sucking lip expression… Phlex FTW.

10:36 am May, 24 Anthony LaBaglia said...

Scrotato, very funny.

10:37 am May, 24 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Flex and Jennifer FTW. Bag and bleeth, together for…today? besides, Flex could mop the floor with the other bags, and take their hotts.

Gotta give a shout out to Ol’ Bernie. Guys our age need to stick together, especially when pursuing the hott.

Speaking of which, Curvie Carrie, you need to ditch those losers and hang with me.

10:45 am May, 24 bigphatnotadouche said...

I was going to go with sister Chrissie and Cameltoe but male cameltoe reminds of the polyester coaching shorts of the 70’s so I’m going to lighten up on the greaseball. Flex may have steriods and guyliner but the Hott does nothing except remind me a bad headache from the 80’s with her half ass blouse. Old bag is living the dream, too bad Viagra made his hearing go bad. So the monthly goes to Limp Diesel since all others are eliminated and are POO.

Get Some Mr. Diesel.

10:54 am May, 24 Bagolocious said...

Bernie FTW. I can smell his douchieness through my computer screen. Orange fake tan, Drakar, Axe and ball butter. Oldbag sucks and Kendra needs to be spanked on her bottom for associatting with Bernie. Slap Slap Slap!!!!!

11:04 am May, 24 One for the Choad said...

Lint Diesel FTW, because in five years, he’ll realize he’s gay. (Licking his own nipple? Dude clearly likes dudes.) Until then, he will ruin hotties like Carrie for the rest of us.

11:05 am May, 24 nikkolai said...

No. 4 has that evil douchie-ness working. Total douche-nozzle.

11:32 am May, 24 Wheezer said...

I think the second pic is what clinches it for Chrissie because she is so cute, but N.O. (and what part of “N.O.” don’t you understand, you greaseball?) thinks his Jersey Curl is what’s attracting the hotts. ” Watch Out,” indeed. The candidates are all punch-worthy in their own ways, but I’m convinced that the Monthly goes to Night Oranger and Chrissie.

We can still mock in America, Night Oranger, so you better bring more game than that mouseknuckle if you wanna crush Stackhouse in the Douchies. GET SOME extra socks and stuff one before the next photo, or he’s gonna take you out of context.

11:32 am May, 24 Dex said...

Moments after this picture was taken, Jennifer attempted to say something witty, but it came out as a split second of drunken babble before she lost her balance and fell to the floor, shrieking with laughter. Flex, undaunted, did not change his facial expression for the remainder of the evening.

Meanwhile, back at Justice League Headquarters, the Martian Manhunter senses Jennifer’s drunken distress. Wonder Woman encourages the Flash to go save her, so he will stop going on about her awesome rack.

11:35 am May, 24 Mr. White said...

I’ve been torn for some time between Night Oranger and Chrissie and Lint Diesel and Carrie. If it was pic #2 for NO, it would have been no contest, but the pic we’re voting on is just freaking me out. Maybe it’s Chrissie’s polka dot diaper that’s killing my arousal.

So I’m going with Lint Diesel. She’s saying, “Who’s going to pee in my butt?” and Lint is ignoring her to lick his own nipples. ‘Nuff said.

11:36 am May, 24 Douchè said...

Too easy.

Flex Luthor may be Grade A ‘roid rage douche, but Lint Diesel and his self-lickage (not to mention his choice of hotts) takes the cake for sure.

11:38 am May, 24 Business-Casual Douche said...

Old Bernie Schwartz gets my vote. HE’S WEARING A MEMBERS ONLY JACKET FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

11:47 am May, 24 The Baggernaut said...

Lint Diesel… for wanting to lick his own cod piece despite the insane HOTT before him. A disgusting display of UBER choadism and worthy of the monthly and an auto-in for the yearly if you ask me.

11:55 am May, 24 Casey said...

As high waisted as Chrissie’s vintage bikini bottom are, it’s ironic that Oranger is the one showing the camel toe.

Bernie is the Mr. Miyagi to Samurai Scrote’s Daniel-san. Unfortunately, he’s a pale shadow of what he once was.

Taylor Swift there with Flex Doucher almost make this monthly a complete flat-chest-fest.

Then there’s Carrie. Sweet, curvaceous Carrie. I don’t know if Carrie and Lint are winning, but if they are, then I’ll have to ride the Carrie and Lint wave, by which I mean I’d like to ride Carrie’s waves.

11:58 am May, 24 massengill said...

SPOILER ALERT: The Island is Plinky’s mom.

11:58 am May, 24 Architeuthis Dux said...

Lint is about to look even more like a fool with his pants on the ground. Give it to him. And by it, I mean both the monthly and a shock collar for Dobermans with which I can unleash nonlethal but potentially crippling doses of electricity.

12:04 pm May, 24 Douchey the Great said...

Lint Diesel FTW. Flex Luthor comes close, with the muscles and the punchable kissy-lips. But if I have to show one reason why this site exists it’s Lint.

12:05 pm May, 24 Bag A said...

Night Oranger ftw!

12:08 pm May, 24 Legedouche said...

Lint Diesel, by way of Curvy Carrie. Because if it shaves like a douche, and tongues like a douche, it’s probably a douche.

And nummy nummy on her rumpy.

12:08 pm May, 24 Bag Margera said...

Lets break it down. All are orange. 2 are shirtless, and 1 is old, so lets take flex out of the equation. The 3 remaining have ridiculous hair, and they all generally make me want throw up spinach. As I’ve said before, Night Oranger’s hot is simply not up to par, especially to the likes of Kendra and Curvy Carrie. So to me it’s down to old Bernie Bag, and Lint Douchal, who are both equally disgusting in their own way. By the sheer number of disgusting acts performed by Linty, all in one photo, there is no denying he, is the douche who stands out from the rest. Sorry bernie, you are still a mouldy heap of skin. But Lint diesel is wisest in the ways of douche. And by wisest I mean smelly.

12:13 pm May, 24 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Night Oranger reminds of Pauly Shore. I hate being reminded of Pauly Shore.

12:14 pm May, 24 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Lint Diesel, Curvie Carrie FTW. He make me want to drop kick a sleeping puppy. Why do I hate him so? Because I must.

12:15 pm May, 24 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Makes* Big deal I went to public school.

12:22 pm May, 24 RAPETIME said...

LINT.

I HATE HIM.

12:24 pm May, 24 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

George Washington once said, “if something is worth doing, then it’s worth doing well.” Usually a wise statement, but I think Lint Diesel misapplied said quote to his pathetic, hedonistic lifestyle. Had our great Washington seen this abomination of modern consumeristic culture he would have probably said, “dude, that sh$t is f#%ked up, I’m gonna sock that asshat straight in the nards.” In deed my General, that sh$t IS f#%ked up.

12:29 pm May, 24 The Bag o Douche Man said...

Bernie FTW

The girl is hot and he is douche, douche and more douche. He is also a little creepy if you really look at his picture. AAAHHH!!!!!

12:37 pm May, 24 tall guy said...

It came down to Flex and Bernie for me but ultimately I really had no reasonable clue why Bernie shouldn’t get it. There are several reasons why:

#1 he’s an oldbag. Bernie, from one old guy to another, grow the bloody hell up!

#2 chin pubes. Imagine, navigating the universe with that crap on your face? No, neither can I. Proceed to go and collect a suckle thigh.

#3 while Flex is clearly shown to be acting like a knob, which is merely another way of saying the guy is a total douche, Bernie is wearing a bandanna.

Bernie, you once, twice…three times a douchebag, and i mock you….woohooo, hooooo.

12:43 pm May, 24 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

The overwhelming douchebaggery on display this month has convinced me that I must now go into the light, and dislodge the earth’s ancient butt plug sinking every continent into the ocean once and for all. There is however space on my party barge for Kendra and all baghunters and huntressess.

And by party barge I mean, tying Bernie to the mast and using his giant mandana for a sail should suffice.

’cause this bamboo and duct tape dinghy isn’t going to sail itself.

Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra FTW.

12:50 pm May, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Night Oranger FTW! Why? Even though I didn’t vote for him in the weekly he has more than enough to win in comparison with the rest of the field. I’ve never seen anybody so happy to take a bath in Tang, get a jerry curl, have enough afro sheen on his hair to have BP forget about the Gulf, rock the man camel toe, convert a leg warmer into a mandana, and find room for the pooka shell necklace. NONE of the others went to this much trouble to be a choad. Night Oranger FTW!

12:57 pm May, 24 Ohio FJ said...

Lint FTW

1:02 pm May, 24 Alex said...

Lint Diesel, a bag with no game

Orange chest lick, no hair, and so lame

A distraction indeed

From tight boobie squeeze

Look again, and he’ll drive you insane.

1:12 pm May, 24 Scroberto Baggio said...

Old Bernie. The village elder of the Scrote tribe.

2:07 pm May, 24 Riccardo Montelbdouche said...

I’m voting for Old Bernie. The Gator’s kung fu tattoo actually means “Bernie”. Stay greasy my friends.

2:12 pm May, 24 Medusa Oblongata said...

I can’t choose. The gurgling in my guts tells me that all four are equally toxic, yet given their varied strains of horribleness, I cannot single out one as more vile than the others. I shall let my bowels decide. As the ancients read fragments of bones or tea leaves, my roiling guts shall give me the answer I seek.

…..

Loose, light brown clumps. Almost shredded, barely staying together, as if weatherbeaten….like Bernie. Bernie FTW.

.

And I am not making that up, I swear on my eyeballs. I need to eat more cheese, I think.

2:25 pm May, 24 Sir Winston Douchehill said...

I have to go with LInt Diesel…while the Night Oranger is truly pootacular, Chrissie is just not hot enough, sorry to say.

3:26 pm May, 24 Mike Hunt Bag said...

I think Bernie is the winner here. FTW Bernie and Kendra. The facial hair and white jacket is fly and fresh and Kendra sitting on my face works too.

3:38 pm May, 24 BMC said...

Lint Diesel

3:59 pm May, 24 angrypiratedouche said...

Lint Diesel,

the curves, the curves, the curves

4:45 pm May, 24 Drip Dry said...

Night Oranger and Chrissie, no competition. Why? The gently revolting curve of this fool’s NUTSACK which you can see right through his tight white pants. My eyes burn. Add to that the ridiculous hair, some generic designer-label belt, and a thoroughly orange and thoroughly hairless chest, you have a pairing here which summons the fundamental question: what the HELL is she thinking? The more remote the answer, the more crushing the silence, the more this young couple merits the spacial kind of exaltation that only we can give. And by that I mean mockery.

4:47 pm May, 24 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Have to go with Retro Chrissy, who obviously played real-life “Mystery Date” and ended up with ‘a dud’.

Or in this case, a douche.

(Warning: You must be as old as I am to understand the Mystery Date reference. For everyone else, there’s YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHsQpTbQ9Uo )

4:47 pm May, 24 Bro M. Chomsky said...

I was going to go with Bernie, but looking at the second picture of night oranger sealed his fate for me. Chrissie is a total fox and she deserves better than to have the N.O. rubbing his mangina camel toe (possible the most disgusting thing ever posted on this or any site btw) against her. She deserves monthly honors, and he deserves a knee to the mangina camel toe.

4:58 pm May, 24 Horace Dangleballs said...

Flex Luthor is wearing a digital camo BDU cover. Should we presume that unwarranted dog tags are resting beneath his T-shirt? I’d say yes giving him Douche points, but Jennifer seems to be mocking him in the photo so he’s out.

Oldbag Bernie’s coloring and chin pubes make him look like a classic Trek Klingon. The white MO jacket just makes him sad and laughable.

Night Oranger and Chrissie… he looks like a reject from the 80s band Tavares and grape smuggling in public should warrant an immediate Judge Dredd-like execution of sentence. But Chrissie drags him down as her vacant smile (in both shots) says to me “I’m like a mannequin — only dumber.”

So full circle back to Lint and Carrie. Spiky hair, bling, ludicrous hand gesture, GSR, no-belt suicide watch pants-drop and the I’ve-never- seen-before (and hope to not see again) attempted self-nipple tongue tickle,… this cum dumpster brings it all to the table. Luckily it’s the same table he’ll be bussing tomorrow night when he has to go back to work at the club. Thank the Lord for Service Industry Night, eh Lint?

Carrie is prefect for him. Low moral standards. Heavy cocktail consumption. Tight white dress. Come to think of it, she sounds perfect for me as well. They get my vote.

5:04 pm May, 24 soy bomb said...

Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra for the sad, old, pathetic, frustrating win (loss). This dusty douche really takes the cake. Think of the Grandchildren Bernie! Think of them. I know you’re daughter, Meredith, hasn’t let you come around for a while to see them, but believe you me old timer, deep in their hearts and souls the kids know that something just ain’t right with grandpa. And as everyone knows, the kids are right. Kendra is a delight. I’m at love to her.

6:33 pm May, 24 Jurassic Douche said...

Gotta be Lint and Carrie. That picture represents everything wrong about the drunk hot chick and self-absorbed douche posing together.

6:34 pm May, 24 G said...

Gotta go with Bernie, the Rainman ‘bag FTW

7:13 pm May, 24 Bag Margera said...

I just want to add that I nominate Bernie, Night Oranger, and Linty for the douchie awards, in their obvious respective fields. Bernie for the yellowtail, linty for new douche move, and oranger for greasiest grease stain.

7:44 pm May, 24 Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky said...

Bernie FTW. Mandana? Check. 80’s era Michael Jackson-style jacket? Check. Lame-ass Grape Nehi to prevent a hangover for his “audition” tomorrow (for a herpes commercial)? Check.

For Kendra, I would sacrifice 6 years of my life for a “will they, won’t they” story in which she eventually winds up with me, but only after both of us die.

I miss Lost already.

7:50 pm May, 24 ryan poocrest said...

BERNIE!!!!

8:06 pm May, 24 Whoop-di-douche said...

Lint Diesel looks as if he practices standing in the barnyard feedlot by the cattle, who are only too happy to mimic and oblige with their own thick tongues on that shaved groin reveal torso of his.

Meanwhile, the farmer’s daughter Carrie and her boyfriend Jon plan their next “manure-moves.”

10:21 pm May, 24 Mr. Biggs said...

The goggles… they do nothing…

3:45 am May, 25 Commenter said...

I have to go with Bernie. He is an inspiration and a warning. He tells us a story, a sad one. People dont get better with time. And wearing shiny outfits and hanging out with trophy girls dont make one happy.

He should win the monthly, if this site is serious about its mission to reduce douchebaggery. And just as you can see pictures of black cancerous lungs on cigarette packs with the mention “smoking kills”, there should be a law forcing retailers of douche accessories to stamp their products with Bernie pics and a notice that “excessive douchebaggery leads to a sad and empty life”.

5:47 am May, 25 melvil duchi said...

Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra

I think Bernie is really a wax figure

6:19 am May, 25 Sir Harry S. Flashdouche said...

Old Bernie FTW!!!!! Old bags don’t fade away, and they never die either.

6:37 am May, 25 Deltus said...

Lint Diesel FTW.

6:52 am May, 25 the motley douche said...

Curse you, DB1! I’ve tried to vote on at least 4 different occasions and I simply cannot choose. Can we just call it a tie and throw them all in the running for the yearly? No? Damn it!

Ok, if I must choose, I can narrow it down to Flex and Bernie. I’m ruling out greaseball Rico Suave because his hott is questionable. And while I despise Lint Diesel with every fiber of my being, I say he’s still young enough to turn it around. Flex and Bernie are a bit longer in the tooth to pull themselves out of complete choadness. We’re talking textbook lost causes here.

That being said, I’ll give it to Bernie due to the fact that Kendra doesn’t remind me of a blond version of the female cast members on Jersey Shore. She is pure warm chocolate chip cookie goodness.

Bernie FTM.

8:29 am May, 25 YES, THAT MUTHUFUCKA!!! said...

100!!

8:46 am May, 25 SauceOfTheDouche said...

Gotta go with the Hott on this one. I can’t get past Chrissy’s underpants (and I’m not sure I want to). The other two Hotts don’t bring enough to their pics to overcome the Hotness that is Curvey Carrie. When paired with a douche that unzips and starts to attempt to pleasure themselves, that is a pairing worthy of standing for HCwDB of the Year.

11:27 am May, 25 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

Lint. You gotta give extra points for originality. You keep calling yourself “dawg” enough, how is licking yourself that far behind? Sad but sincere prediction: Ed Hardy “dawg collars.” They’re not just for your pit bull mix anymore, yo.

1:08 pm May, 25 doucheous rex said...

Lint Diesel is proof that there is no god. There is no redemption from the GSR and the attempt to lick his chest. Such torture has never existed on earth.

1:51 pm May, 25 Düsseldouche said...

i can´t believe jennifer and flex are losing that badly, they are definitely my choice..

jenn´s right arm is alright with me, while flex´s right arm, well, does not look alright. although i´m more worried about his bursting head (or is detonating head the right word? me not from us and a, sorry…)

2:04 pm May, 25 Scottsdale Chad said...

Lint Diesel, abs down. My vote wouldn’t change even sans Johnny Favs.

4:50 pm May, 25 Mockiavelli said...

Lint. He’s Grieco 2.0.

4:57 pm May, 25 curbyourendouchiasm said...

Bernie FTW. He looks like a melting wax museum figure of a desperate middle aged douchebag. “Here kids, this dumbass just didn’t know when to quit”.

His cheek looks like it’s melting right into his neck. Kendra is the hottest too, even though Grannypanties with Orange is a close second.

6:39 pm May, 25 Douche Equis said...

Bernie and Kendra. Kendra’s the hottest hott of the bunch, and Bernie is not only a douche now, but he looks like he’s been a douche for a long, long time, which puts him one up on the newbs in a way they simply can’t touch. Bernie doesn’t have enough game to win the yearly (unless more pictures turn up showing otherwise, a consummation devoutly to be wished), but he’s the monthly winner.

8:39 pm May, 25 Ted said...

Bernie’s just too much of an oddball to win… He stands no chance whatsoever in the yearly…. Gotta go with Night Oranger FTW…. and I think I gotta go listen to my El Debarge records and cry.

8:56 pm May, 25 Bob Mcadouche said...

Lint Diesel. Enough said.

4:10 am May, 26 Istandouche said...

My vote goes to Lint Diesel on rage (and curve) factor. For some reason, I don’t find the oldbags as annoying but rather a bit sad. Orange looks like a harmless douchebag, an idiot who can’t tell when he’s used too much fake suntan lotion. Flex is an idiot, pure and simple.

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