Thursday, May 27, 2010

Reader Mail: The Unisex Yaz Dangler

Reader Sac writes in:

—–

Yo!

so this chick’nhead tries holla’n at my nigga Mocha…

this chick’nhead must be out her got-damn mind…see, cause Mocha is a junk yard dawg..he drops Sergio Valente style in people’s assholes.

and that niggaa goes both ways kidd, girls and guys, girls and guys…

that bandana is a retard tourniquet set to strangle…you heard of the bloods, you heard of the Crips…you ever heard of the Unisex Yaz Danglers?

– Sac

—–

I have no idea what that email just said, am not at all a fan of the word “nigga,” but it reads like a brilliant tone poem, and I must give props to anyone who comes up with the phrase “drops Sergio Valente style in people’s assholes.”

# posted by douchebag1
11:32 am May, 27 Thus Spake Zaradouchestra said...

Now this to me is Hall of Hott material.

11:35 am May, 27 tall guy said...

i remain undecided about the female. She’s awfully creepy/skank, but doable in a ‘i’d like to see her face contorted’-kinda way. Pity about her tatts though. Far from attractive. And is that some sort of miniature nose ring similar those used on livestock? Creepy. As for him. Instant HOS please. I mean have a go at the face he’s pulling.

11:35 am May, 27 ehcuodouche said...

I am now changing my Warcraft guild name to the Unisex Yaz Danglers.

11:39 am May, 27 Bag A said...

I’d like to drop some Sploogio Valente ‘style’ in her cleavage.

11:41 am May, 27 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Good lord! I would travel through the still active minefields in Siberia naked during the winter with a glacier duct taped to my taint, on the chance that I might get blown up by a mine that her second cousin Boris once inspected while in prison for removing his own fingernails for fun…in the hopes that I might possibly meet in my next life the future Ex Mrs. VanDouche here.

11:42 am May, 27 Crucial Head said...

Children, that there is a woman.

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The things I would do to her, if my wife mysteriously ate a bottle of rat poison, could only be written in translated mule brays.

11:43 am May, 27 creature said...

Mr. Pot, it’s Mr. Kettle on line #2

11:43 am May, 27 Ariscrotle said...

I’d get a butterfly tattoo on my scrotum too if it meant a few minutes of boobie suckle with this ‘chick’nhead’.

11:44 am May, 27 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

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Got-damn I Love Her

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**clicks off**

11:47 am May, 27 Teddy Tendergass said...

If there is a dude in this picture, that’d be news to me.

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Jeebus Holy Mother of Muhammad and Sanskrit Scrote she is a doll.

11:52 am May, 27 tall guy said...

It appears mine is a singular opinion thus far. I admit she is pretty, however my adolescent years were spent chasing (not catching) similarly cold looking females. I’m scarred for life, although not blind.

12:03 pm May, 27 ufo destroyers said...

Pfah????

12:06 pm May, 27 Mr. White said...

I learned from an episode of Law & Order: SVU that “chickenhead” is a euphemism for giving blow jobs and/or a girl who does so. That’s all I know.

That said, I’d Besnon this girl’s Stablers.

12:08 pm May, 27 doucheywallnuts said...

is there a difference between “nigga” and “niggaa”? i’m just askin’?

12:11 pm May, 27 Et Tu Douche said...

Hipster trash bags the both of them, and whoever wrote that email is an idiot.

12:19 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

This is the pre tailgate party before they put the rest of the gear on for the blackhole.

not so scary lookin now eh?

12:20 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

Da Raidas!

12:22 pm May, 27 Crucial Head said...

@UFO Destroyers

.

No, this chick is way hotter than Pfah.

.

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Wait.

12:23 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

Wonder if Al Davis can be classified as a douchebag.

Goldbling, fancy track suits, looks like he might wear makeup and he fucked up the Raiders bad.

12:33 pm May, 27 Anonymous said...

I think I smell something … yep, it’s Hepatitis A.

12:34 pm May, 27 Scrotediddilyumptious said...

Thats it…… I have had it…. I a going to sue you DB1 for the damage done to my neck from sharking my head back and forth on a daily basis. That rant by the mailer has pushed me into severe whiplash. I no longer have no hope for society.

12:35 pm May, 27 Scrotediddilyumptious said...

I no longer have hope either……. WTF, see what I mean. Its in my head!!

12:35 pm May, 27 Jaques Doucheteau said...

She’s cute enough, though I’ve had quite enough of the pseudo-Betty Page rocker girl with septum piercings and stupid arm tattoos. Spend a day walking down E. Burnside in Portland and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

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He is typical wannabe “psycho-billy” douche trash. Woo woo, skull tatts, beer, and Pomade! You’re fucking rock ‘n roll now douche!

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Newsflash, dickwad. Just because you have a Night of the Living Dead poster in your living room and found a Carl Perkins 12″ at the thrift store, that does NOT make you cool. Go dig your Depeche Mode CD’s outta your parent’s attic, and fucking kill yourself!

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Sorry, personal grudge there. I was kicked out of a rockabilly band for refusing to wear a pompadour, converse hi-tops, and roll my cigs up into my t-shirt sleeves. Fucking a-holes.

12:36 pm May, 27 Bagnonymous said...

Lawdy Jesus, this girl here be 100% woman. Just thinking about what I’d like to do to her is making her judge me through the computer screen. I see you and your hot, judging eyes!

12:56 pm May, 27 Vin Douchal said...

She’s one of those gals you look at and think, “Why the hell did she do that to herself?” But in the long run she’s a good looking gal.

He looks like the love child of Elvis Costello and Otis Sistrunk

12:56 pm May, 27 Bag Margera said...

She could be hot, but her style just ruins it. She needs a bath, a tan, and a better outlook on life. Unisex Douche can have her.

1:02 pm May, 27 Scroto Baggins said...

I don’t usually post here… but I had to vote for her to be HOH. No Doubt.

1:05 pm May, 27 DarkSock said...

That IS Pfah…he never writes…he never calls….

1:07 pm May, 27 E-blo's Last Thought said...

She’s Katy Perry before she became famous.

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We all know this guy. He wants to wax poetic about when the music was “real,” and names off a generic list of no-name bands who actually suck but are perceived to be non-conformist. He’ll drink Bud Light or Miller Lite or PBR, and complain the entire time about how crappy it is…prior to ordering another one. Any author outside of his likes and/or tastes are sophomoric and he’ll tell you just that. Pre-Hollywood Katy Perry thinks he is “edgy” and would never bow down to The Establishment.

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Eventually she’ll get famous for her average voice, huge cans and laissez faire attitude toward anal and bondage. Meanwhile he’ll still be underemployed, over educated and will eventually become addicted to huffing methane from homeless people.

1:11 pm May, 27 Troy Tempest said...

TWOIYOIYOIYOIYOINNNNGGGG!

My woody just got a woody. We all have a physical “type” we prefer. This girl, right here, is Mr Tempest’s preferred physical “type”. The great thing about this type is, if they can avoid the liquor long enough, they age extremely well from Betty Page Wannabe into Morticia, mother of our creepy kids.

Unfortunately, even though I get instant boner from women like this, they are, temperamentally, completely wrong for me. I know this from Experience. Lots of It. So rather than have little head do the thinking and dragging me into completely terrifying relationships, I learned to pay attention to Who I Get Along With, and proceed from there. I’ve been a happier puppet ever since.

her tatts are mediocre, but her bust is lovely and natural, and her face is divine. She is worthy.

HE on the otherhand… Ultra-uber-fuckheaded DOUCHEBAG.

The kind who drinks PBRs, but has no idea why they are considered “hip”. For those who wonder, PBR’s were catapulted over night into hipster heaven by ONE movie quote from Blue Velvet.

Sigh. cultural literacy can be such a chore sometimes.

1:21 pm May, 27 Crucial Head said...

Copy that Troy Tempest.

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She’s a welcome reprieve from the fake tanned, fake bleach blonde, fake boobed bleeths that will resemble monitor lizards in a few short years.

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If I had a vote for HoH, this is the time I’d use it.

1:26 pm May, 27 Deltus said...

Her tatt is the biggest ruination of an otherwise legendary gnawable shoulder I’ve seen in a while. Excellent boobage.

1:31 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Poo and poon.

1:31 pm May, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Buddy Folly.

1:32 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

get rid of the tats and the shit gobule next her and i could picture her in a 50’s commercial setting a hot pie on the windowsill. and I do mean Hott pie

1:34 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

@Vin

lol, i remember Otis

great player in the glorydays

1:42 pm May, 27 mr.reeve said...

Yes, I used to hang with the rockabilly white trash of the SFV some years back. Two problems with it:

1. Most of the chicks are fat, tatted up and drank more beer then I did

2. The chicks were fat…….oh wait

That chick is hot regardless of the tattoos and dude is a typical wanna be O.C. dickhead. You will not see her at a rockabilly concert unless she’s up on the stage. Trust me.

1:51 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

HOH !!! shes got my vote

just photoshop his ass out

1:55 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

@DB1

throw another pic of her out there to confirm HOH nomination please

1:55 pm May, 27 Turdacious said...

If you gots

2:29 pm May, 27 clam fist said...

Looks to be a run of the mill trailor park skank. On another note, booobies.

7:40 pm May, 27 the douche whisperer said...

HOH.

i train hotts, i rehabilitate douches.

i am the douche whisperer.

7:57 pm May, 27 curbyourendouchiasm said...

I hate tattoos. Ritual disfigurement should be reserved for coming back from combat and other such significant emotional experiences.

She has a tattoo? Seriously, it’s a little melodramatic, but at least it isn’t all blue–you know, like the inside of the PBR symbol.

My grandfather gave me my first taste of PBR when I was 4–I hated that shit then, and I hate that shit now. Tempest, thank you for the reminder about ONE OF THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIES EVER.

I’d put on lipstick, take a hit from the tank, and fuck that pussy up. Whatta dick.

8:01 pm May, 27 curbyourendouchiasm said...

Oh wait, I guess I should have put at least one sentence between pussy and dick–mixed metaphors such a nuisance.

Now to the e-mail…wtf? Is this dude telling us all that his ‘nigga’ is a fudgepacker in addition to our girl in the picture. She’s sexy, but I have to say–the e-mail about her ruined her for me and HOH as far as I’m concerned.

I’m confused…most fellahs who use nigga as a pronoun would never juxtapose homosexuality–particularly not as a badge of honor or a point of pride.

I’m confused.

8:24 pm May, 27 Douchelips said...

Way to call it DB1. Both offensive and poetic.

11:20 pm May, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

For all the douche signifiers goin’ on in this picture, her face/head alone is quite free of such taint.

11:27 pm May, 27 Douche Springsteen said...

At first glance I was ready to write this guy off as just a dipshit, but upon further study (i.e. after I got bored gazing into the cleavite/side boob) the sneer, mandana & Smoot hat all equal douche.

12:05 am May, 28 Baleen said...

I give that rack a 10. Obviously, they’re not too small while not grotesquely huge and stupid looking. So boobies win the day.

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He’s such a fucking mess of entangled signifiers that I had to squeeze out a nasty set of logs mixed with spiced chafey gravy just to recover from the stench emanating from my sad Dell monitor.

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Oh, and she likes to knit cause it’s the hip thing to do.

3:29 am May, 28 creature said...

yep, tool deserves a right cross or elbow rake across his temple…. Lila deserves a garden rake across her radish patch

9:05 am May, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

She reminds me of Medusa. And that’s a good thing.

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Only with smaller boobs.

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And an ungodly, discolored and massively engorged hernia.

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I’d still do her. I’d just call her Medusa.

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And I’d call it Gimpy, and make it pleasure the both of us while I massaged warm Tazmanian Devil milk into her perky breasts and sheepishly traced the outlines of her tattoos with the tip of my tongue.

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Wait, did I just say both?

12:58 pm May, 28 Mr. Bagoo said...

The chicky on the left would be hot without that crap in her face.

The chicky on the right should be taken out back and shot.

And for Hell’s sake, which one of the chickens is even remotely mocha? I be confrused.

1:15 pm May, 28 Friedouche Nietszche said...

oh wigga please

3:36 pm May, 28 Social Douchetortion said...

Retard tourniquet set to strangle. Where the fuck do people come up with this shit? I WENT to college, and they don’t teach you how to use language with that kind of artistry.

The climate of hate towards Pabst Blue Ribbon is truly unwarranted. PBR doesn’t make itself out to be “the best” or “have the greatest taste” or stake some other entirely subjective claim , like Sam Adams so frequently does. It’s just beer.

If you don’t like a beer of course you are going to call it shit. The fact is, however, that whichever beer you do fancy is likely to be an issue of taste, and others are going to have different tastes, so drink what you like and keep your opinion to yourself.

4:35 pm May, 28 Jacques Douchida said...

half-librarian, half-grunge. can you not see it?

8:43 pm May, 28 Stephanie said...

Guys when you’re next to a pretty girl,why look like you’re taking a shit?

10:33 pm May, 28 Baron Von Goolo said...

If she had more ink she’d look like every other stripper in Portland.

7:51 am May, 29 curbyourendcouchiasm said...

Unwarranted hatred? No, PBR tastes like ass, and not only will I drink what I like, but I’ll be sharing that opinion anytime I’m so inclined.

If you’re that sensitive about it, Social, maybe you shouldn’t contribute to blogs, because the whole point here is sharing what we think. Oh, and, if you don’t like something that I like, I promise I won’t take it personally, when you choose to say you don’t like it.

I love German, Belgian, Irish, English, Japanese, even Itailian beer, but I think PBR is shit.

Most importantly, to make sure somebody doesn’t bring me one when I’m out–I feel the need to share that.

1:44 pm May, 29 Tony Ventresca said...

Mr Reeve @ 1:42 wrote: “That chick is hot regardless of the tattoos and dude is a typical wanna be O.C. dickhead. You will not see her at a rockabilly concert unless she’s up on the stage. Trust me.”

Sadly, you are correct.

10:03 pm June, 1 wrapped up like a douche said...

Hall of Hott.

5:51 pm June, 3 Jacques Douchida said...

C’mon, she’s a lesbian, and just bein’ nice to the guy. But I keep coming back to the pic…

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