Monday, May 24, 2010

Sarah’s Prom Tag


Sarah writes in with an excellent prom tag of a Tuxedo Douche:

—-
My best friend, Meg, is dating this guy whom i don’t really like that much. He proved his douche-iness at prom this year, with this gorgeous photo.

– Sarah
—-

Good catch, Sarah, as “Chad the Business School Bound Asswipe” is all sorts of underserving and annoying.

And I must add that your BFF Meg is fireworks-in-the-uvula classic shoulder gnaw worthy butt grabby operatic fondle hott.

I would hang glide naked, greased up only in chicken fat and whipped cream, through a misty Andes mountains during an electric storm just for the chance to briefly sniff the used brillo pad her great aunt Beatrice once used to scour a metallic stove.

She is delightful. And deserves better. By which I mean me, awkwardly handing her the remote after brief and vaguely unsatisfying coitus left her pensive and moody.

# posted by douchebag1
1:27 pm May, 24 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

DB1’s verbal prowess strikes again…you know, honestly I can’t call it a day until I leave here feeling as though I have been mentally penetrated, and my flesh is spongy and bruised from FWAPPING to the hotts.

I say, good day sir!

1:36 pm May, 24 Turdacious said...

hes a douche bag deluxe, she wakes up every morning with pouty lips and a unibrow

1:37 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Fuccen-A, Boss!
.
I gots nothin’ after that.

1:39 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

“operatic fondle hott.”
.
LOLZICOTRZ!!!!

1:51 pm May, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Prom = Pass. Next

1:53 pm May, 24 Turdacious said...

He reminds me of the realtor i almost did business with.
You think he is listening to everything ure saying only to figure out, hes trying catch a glimpse of himself off the reflection of your eyes.

1:55 pm May, 24 mr.reeve said...

That’s quite an exotic hot. If “Chad Asswipe” had not thrown up the always cleaver and hilarious “shocker” sign would we be calling him douche?

1:59 pm May, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Ugh. Too young. Can’t say anything about her, can’t kick his ass…..

Since I have nothing funny to say I’d like to remind everyone of the most hilarious sports hi-lite in the history of hi-lites:
Canseco being Canseco

2:13 pm May, 24 WeisenheimerBrainstorm said...

Granted, she is too full of creamy goodness to not post this pic however, with only a shocker to judge him, I give a notadouche to this pud. Instead he is designated a doofus for adorning this divinity with a corsage instead of the diamonds she so clearly deserves.

2:14 pm May, 24 Medusa Oblongata said...

Fuck her, she has stage-1 duckface. She deserves him. He is every preppy villain from every 80’s comedy all rolled into one giant nugget of douche.

2:23 pm May, 24 massengill said...

I’d ride an ornery llama all the way to Arizona just to smell the catcher’s mitt of the lesbian woman who made her turquoise jewelry.

2:30 pm May, 24 creature said...

I gotta give this kid a pass… despite being a potentially future fratchoad, he’s just blessed to be macking on a hisgh school senior who wants to casually toss her virtue around… I say hit HS boy!

2:38 pm May, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Chad could not resist the opportunity to take a picture with his barely legal prom date instead of helping his mom with the bags she packed for his first “overnight” away from home.
.
Shades inside = autodouche

2:39 pm May, 24 MegaDouch (no relation to megatron) said...

still an awesome song

2:45 pm May, 24 Turdacious said...

@medusa
my thoughts exactly plus a unibrow

2:54 pm May, 24 massengill said...

I think he’ll drop out of college and be a server in an upscale restaurant and end up spending $500/week on cocaine.

3:19 pm May, 24 The Know said...

Good call Medusa. He is Billy Zabka.

3:55 pm May, 24 Mr. Biggs said...

Ditto on Medusa.

4:01 pm May, 24 DarkSock said...

Medusa left nothing but scraps.
.
They deserve each other; they need to be locked in a room with a single mirror which will spark a cat fight mean n’ nasty.

4:06 pm May, 24 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Shades and shocker turn Chad from enviable to excrescence.

4:12 pm May, 24 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

As Medusa suggested…
He’s so pleased with himself, having kicked Ralph Macchio’s ass the night before.

4:17 pm May, 24 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Maybe he’s gloating about his touch-football prowess.
Not 80s, I know, but it fits.

4:22 pm May, 24 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Though putting on his best face for prom, Chad is silently tormented by the recurring thought that nerds are a threat to his way of life

4:29 pm May, 24 Horace Dangleballs said...

I have the feeling the illiterate take down request email (with threats of leagl action) will be highly entertaining. The question is… will it come from Chad or Meg? Cat fight, perhaps?

Very heartwarming that a high school girl is reading AND contributing to the site.

4:32 pm May, 24 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Overheard later in the evening [Chad to his date]:
C’mon, I’m talking about more than just sex here“.

4:33 pm May, 24 Turdacious said...

she looks like she could possibly be an indonesian cabin boy

5:19 pm May, 24 Dicy said...

Oh look, it’s every single Ray Ban wearing, Natty Light drinking, Milledge Ave bus riding, business school attending, Boar’s Head crawling, irritating, shallow mother fucker that I go to school with!

Some are his age, at most 5 years older and I count the days till I graduate because of them. Well that and because I’ll have a BS in Physics, that’s pretty cool too.

5:22 pm May, 24 scrotum pole said...

For those of you who find this young lady unattractive, I respectfully disagree.
She is the reason for statutory rape laws.
I’d happily serve several months in a medium security prison for the chance to delicately suck olives and blueberry syrup from her navel.


(She may have some upper lip hair issues in a few years but, meh, it’s correctable with lasers and carpet tape)

5:32 pm May, 24 doucheywallnuts said...

I nominate DB1’s entry here for a Pulitzer Prize. This passage brought tears to my eyes and dredged up memories of the anal sex I had with Stackhouse’s Mom…
“Brief and vaguely unsatisfying (ass) coitus left her pensive and moody.”

6:29 pm May, 24 lucious lupus john ponders olives and blueberry syrup said...

>>I would hang glide naked, greased up only in chicken fat and whipped cream, through a misty Andes mountains during an electric storm<<

this sounds like the makings of a mighty fine york peppermint patty ad, one that i would really like to see, late at night, and high as a kite.

6:48 pm May, 24 Troy Tempest said...

He’s get a degree in business, and get a job at a Chrysler…FIAT dealership. That’ll last until 2016 when the gvo’t institutes fuel rationing and car sales tank.

He could get into solar panel isntallation, but he’d rather live big, so he retroconverts giant SUVS to burn biodiesel. That also tanks.

After that falls apart, he meets up with his prom date. She works as a house maid for the owner of a peach farm in Grass Valley. He follows her back there and learns how to do wood joining and builds barrels.

6:56 pm May, 24 Bag Margera said...

My god, she is stunning! I want so badly to photoshop my head onto that douche’s body, but that is such a terrible hand gesture. Instead I would rather place a sawed off shotgun in those fingers,aiming towards his temple.

7:25 pm May, 24 Whoop-di-douche said...

I say nottadouche just yet. Everyone does hand gestures and many wear shades, but not everyone does the pointy hair and, the visible tatts. Get a douchebag to dress in black tie? Nah, he’s just a touch douche, not a touche douche.

She is overpoweringly inspiring enough to get DB1 to trip over himself with inspired verbal visuals. Ah, but prom season can do that around this site.

7:26 pm May, 24 douchesquire said...

she needs to deal with the caterpillars over her eyes

8:12 pm May, 24 Fredouche Corleone said...

Hall of Hot!

10:42 pm May, 24 Wheezer said...

Provided those lips don’t pucker too much for photos, give her five more years to fill out the rest of those curves (and to be more than safely legal), and…..
.
.
.
.
W.O.W!

10:53 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

^^
.
Wow.
.
Just…
.
.
Wow.

10:58 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Heh heh.
.
Yeah, this picture is low-grade scrote with nearly-of-aged hott. But we need pics like this to remind us what the Weekly and the Monthly is all about.
.
The more important question is this:
.
How long is the thorax of Buffalo Beast as he hovers behind brunette hott’s pony tail?

11:08 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long his spinal cord acts as an axis between the magnetic poles at his nipples and belly button.

11:09 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long he has a six pack… to the 28th power.

11:10 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long his belly button hair swirls in the opposite direction when he flushes.

11:12 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long his esophagus can only be measured in furlongs.

11:14 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long it took him seventeen hours to commit Seppuku.

11:14 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long he has to holster his guns in his armpits so his hands can reach them.

11:16 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long his spine must be supported by 45 degree tension cables at 1.5mm on center about his 34 inch waist circumference.

11:17 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long he can do approximately one stomach crunch per decade.

11:18 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

… 1.25 decades if you count leap year’s.

11:19 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long that when he swallows a peice of porch beef, said beef will have reached terminal velocity by the time it reaches his stomach.

11:20 pm May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long that when he swallows his spittle, each molecule must pack a parachute for the esophageal descent.

1:34 am May, 25 bcs said...

Buffalo Beast’s thorax is so long he can deep throat Darksock

1:41 am May, 25 bcs said...

ya know my life with new job and new child has consumed most of my being lately, it’s always nice to know some things stay constant…like the always hilarious chowderheads over at HCwDB. thanks for the laughs tonite guys, i needed them…and DB1! Kudos! your writing lately has been top grade sir. bravo. my face hurts from laughing reading through the last couple week’s posts.

i’m gonna go make fun of my wife now for wasting 6 years of her life following Lost. “We are all going to heaven, whoopee!”

2:16 am May, 25 tall guy said...

She’s barely legal isn’t she? That increases his doucheness tenfold. Nice going, Tux, and for the record, who doesn’t look ok clad in a tux and a future hump buddy? Knobwrench!

3:46 am May, 25 creature said...

in 18 mos. Meg will be a prime candidate for my donkee punch!

3:53 am May, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

HE lost all class when he pulled the shocker. She is all prom cute and will suck my cocck while he gets drunk with his bras. Stop using the name Chad in a disparaging manner. Dr.Bunsen. His whole life was promising as his name Dakota Manning suggests. I think the promise is over.

She will go on to have 9 kids Duggar style with a wealthy Georgian. He is at his peak and will fall down the trail of asshattery that we know and mock.

5:50 am May, 25 Douchesquire said...

He looks more like a “Chazz” than a Chad, and that name is way douchier

6:18 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

His thorax is so long he’s a human dachshund.
.
Dachshund are nature’s dominoes.
.
.
.
Medical Fact.

6:19 am May, 25 DarkSock said...

Dammit BCS quit your job and wife and get back here.

6:48 am May, 25 Milo Mindouchebinder said...

At first I thought she was smokin hot. Then she reminded me of Vincent Chase. Now Vincent Chase looks hot to me.

6:56 am May, 25 Deltus said...

He gets no pass. Inside shades is autochoad, and the shocker? Really, Tuxedo Douche? *shakes head*

And I’m not sure she’s got a proto-duckface happening. I think her lips might naturally be that shape. Which only makes her hotter. She’s just-barely-past-jailbait-stage super-hott goodness.

8:06 am May, 25 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ C.K.
.
I’m only goin’ with the name that the Boss gave him. I would have called him Farthuffer McDoofus if it was up to me.

8:39 am May, 25 Edvis said...

Is your bush as hairy and unkempt as your brow. Trim that thing bitch!

10:27 am May, 25 Mr. Biggs said...

Frankly I think they’re a match made in heaven. They’ll put out a nice brood of used car salesmen and customer service supervisors.

12:47 pm May, 25 doucheblaster said...

Exotic sephardic jewish hott:) and market fresh! my favorite

3:01 pm May, 25 Donald from Hawaii said...

I’ll lay you better-than-even odds that in 20 years, this guy will be running for Congress as a Republican from Orange County, CA.

4:41 pm May, 25 Horace Dangleballs said...

^@ Dr. BHD 8:06 AM

With your kind permission I plan to steal with all appropriate credit) Farthuffer McDoofus. Fuccen brilliant, good sir!

4:42 pm May, 25 Horace Dangleballs said...

^ Please insert opening parenthesis before “with.”

I HATE WORDPRESS!!!

6:00 pm May, 25 Just Sayin said...

I’m calling BS – she’s a pro. She looks like Gisele Bundchen’s prettier sister.

He’s on the DL.

9:59 am May, 26 Anon said...

Here’s 2 more pictures for your enjoyment

http://i45.tinypic.com/2qkpemv.jpg

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=b3q0kz&s=6

1:49 pm May, 26 Sara said...

This is my good friend, she is absolutely stunning. Anyone who talks shit is just jealous…

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