Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The High Point of Young Mitch’s Life

At some point in the very near future, Kelsey will realize Mitch is a pud.

It’ll occur to her that when Mitch takes her out, he wears a giant baseball cap shaped like a pot for boiling water. With sunglasses on top.

Kelsey’ll move out of the sticks to a major urban area. Where she’ll get frequent mani-pedis and date young professionals with jobs and careers.

And Mitch will sit around and tell the boys, “Remember Kelsey? She was awesome.”

Yes. Yes she was, Mitch.

You probably shouldn’t have worn that cap.

# posted by douchebag1
1:23 pm May, 11 Chad Kroeger said...

I have been travelling and missed the last few days. The DB1 is on a roll this week.

1:25 pm May, 11 Crucial Head said...

Thög’s mission to bed a human hinged on the cap he forged from a 64 gallon recycling bin to obscure his expansive Neanderthal’s pate.

1:26 pm May, 11 Crucial Head said...

The depressed economic did not deter the dexterous Mildred from fashioning her prom dress out of Kleenex and electrical tape.

1:28 pm May, 11 Crucial Head said...

depressed economy…
.
For the love of Lämp, I am too lazy to go back and fix it. I am a terrible moderator.

1:30 pm May, 11 Scrotediddilyumptious said...

Shouldnt have worn that cap Or taken Kelsey to a cheap MOTEL. She will also soon learn that the doors to better establishments open to the interior of the building, balconies to the outside. Poor Kelsey. So much to learn, so little time.

1:35 pm May, 11 Crucial Head said...

The storefront church was just the first step in Sister Agatha’s and St. Hubert’s plan to proselytize their faith in Holy Autoerotic-Fellatiation.

1:47 pm May, 11 Wedgie said...

Making fun of Down’s Syndrome kids is cruel. You guys suck.

2:09 pm May, 11 Medusa Oblongata said...

Wow. He would have gotten an absolute notta, and I would have congratulated him on a nice suit, lack of stupid poses and gestures, and a lovely lass at his side. But no. This is Douche times ten in my book. It’s one thing to do the total douche package, it’s another to take very presentable attire and then totally bomb it with a glaring adouchetrement in the name of individuality. You, sir, are a HUGE douche and I pee in your can of Pepsi there.

2:20 pm May, 11 Soy Bomb said...

Holy crap, this douche pic made me laugh out loud.
.
I’d love to give you mad props for the hottie if you’d just have limited your matching color palette to the blue shirt and the blue can of Bud Light, but you had to go ahead and ruin everything with your absurdly huge blue hat. How old are you, mentally I mean? Eight, nine?
.
You’re a joke, bro.
.
I smell a takedown request this time and I for one can’t wait.

2:31 pm May, 11 Steve L. said...

“Long before man began to weave textiles, and (curiously enough) long before the game “baseball” was invented, frat boy cavemen wore these baseball caps carved out of stone. The heavy, confining headgear inhibited their brain development, assuring they would remain monosyllabic, simple creatures obsessed with excretion and procreation.

Since modern frat boys wear light, comfortable baseball caps, no one’s sure why they turn out the same way.”


the above is a totally true story. so, like, wow, stone baseball caps actually exist. and i actually referenced Kingdom of Loathing for the second time around on HCwDB.

2:31 pm May, 11 Mitch's overprotective mom said...

I think his hat is just fine.
It matches his shirt, the visor can be turned around to shade the sun, and Kelsey seems quite happy with it.

2:32 pm May, 11 Soy Bomb said...

Seriously, this guy is great. I have a douche-crush on him. DB1, please consider Mitch and Kelsey for the weekly! Thanks.

2:35 pm May, 11 scrotum pole said...

@ Steve L
…”simple creatures obsessed with excretion and procreation.”
Are you talking about cavemen, or the comments section of HCwDB?

2:49 pm May, 11 doucheywallnuts said...

I think this picture was taken on “Take Your Oversized Retard Son To Work Day.” Which doesn’t mean he isn’t a douchebag, but that he is both retarded and a douchebag.

2:56 pm May, 11 massengill said...

That hat hides a MINIMUM twelvehead.

2:59 pm May, 11 scrotum pole said...

I agree with Medusa.
He just couldn’t leave the house without showing how much of a noncomformist he can be.
He’s torn between the conservative societal norms promoted by his suburban upper-middle class peers, and the alternate white-boy hip-hop douchebag lifestyle promoted on television and other media outlets.
You look at the guy, however and he’s just not pulling it off.
Poor Mitch is standing, conflicted and confused.
His next series of decisions could be life-changing.
Much like Robert Johnson at the crossroads, he’s weighing the value of his very soul.
Meanwhile, Kelsey stands at attention, ready to have that dress peeled like a ripe black and white banana skin, smothered in honey, and licked clean.
MMMMMMslurrrp!

3:07 pm May, 11 Steve L. said...

@ Scrotum Pole 2:35 PM,

there is nothing in the world that strong alcohol cannot improve. now i have to get drunk.

3:13 pm May, 11 Vin Douchal said...

He looks like the 37,956th pick in the NFL draft, the back up placeholder from The Hoboken Community College Grundle Worms, posing for his school’s newspaper on Draft Day 23.

3:18 pm May, 11 massengill said...

Underneath the hat is a clear, glass dome and inside the dome is a little white mouse wearing a little blue and white striped train engineer’s cap and working all types of pedals and levers to move that guy around.
.
That’s right. It’s from an episode of Sealab.

3:36 pm May, 11 mr.reeve said...

This is Master Blaster’s (Mad Max) and Turtle’s (Entourage) oldest son……..Turdler.

3:36 pm May, 11 Markdouchery said...

Poor mom, she was sick of him wearing her revere pots on his head. Buying him this has cut down on her dishwashing but has increased her embarrassment. In approximately 3 months she will look in the mirror and declare: What the…

3:38 pm May, 11 Douches Wild said...

The porcine eyes glazed in non-comprehension may work against him- at least he can take the hat OFF.

3:41 pm May, 11 Fatness said...

@massengill: But can the little white mouse cook?

3:44 pm May, 11 DarkSock said...

At night he sleeps in that hat.

3:45 pm May, 11 DarkSock said...

For now, the secret identity of The Propane Avenger remained safe.

4:02 pm May, 11 Just Sayin said...

The Special Olympics is a wonderful cause.

5:33 pm May, 11 Fatness said...

Just stopping by again to gaze at the perfection of Kelsey…what Rachael Ray would be if she’d cut down on the pasta.

6:37 pm May, 11 Adi said...

What makes it uberpud is that he coordinated the hat with his shirt, that way it doesn’t look intentionally goofy, it looks like he really put effort into it. And large white-framed sunglasses = certified baghoood. I think he wears the hat to cover up the lobotomy scars.

8:00 pm May, 11 Whoop-di-douche said...

Yup, DarkSock, he sleeps in that blue hat and fucks donuts in that blue shirt. Oh, the flying fuck on a rolling donut kind of fucks.

I think I’ve seen her before…an extra zig-zag on those ZipZap videos, perhaps..

8:55 pm May, 11 Wedgie said...

Nice dome.

9:14 pm May, 11 Morgan said...

Man! Turtle gets all the hot chicks now!

10:01 pm May, 11 FUCKTHEFIJI's said...

wow…real cool you douchebags…shouldn’t you all be attempting to take down that fucking gay fence of yours than posting this stupid shit…or wait you all are probably planning on leaving that fence up so no one will be able to see you all making out with each other

10:40 pm May, 11 Baleen said...

He ends up puking Crown and Coke on her dress later that night at precisely the moment where their fates diverge forever.

11:00 pm May, 11 Beenystuffle said...

Let’s be realistic… They are all too busy with other guys and knocking up sorority girls to worry about that. When that is finished, they need to worry about getting a real pledge class. A poorly designed fence is the least of the problems.

11:44 pm May, 11 Anonymous said...

Sometimes DB1 your posts ring so true…….

11:57 pm May, 11 Poopsified said...

Independent’s rule!

Let’s really be realistic shall we? Their President punched one of his members in the face (say it like the cop from The Hangover) IN THE FACE. Unity must be the least of their problems… but anyways, the puncher is more of a douche than all of us could ever know. Ever. I mean he pretty much practices douchery like it’s his religion. The guy in this picture is a peon in the Kingdom of Douche (in this case, being a peon is a good thing) ruled by the other guy who is a psychotic random punching “All Mighty” DOUCHE.

P.S. if I had to choose one of you, I would of chosen Lambda Chi. Pwnd.

1:47 am May, 12 Euripidouche said...

when is hunting season for structured flat-bills?

kelsey is all right, i see her at more of a crossroads, she very well could head to the ranks of the gainfully employed, become the hot chick in some cube society, and thus raise her self esteem and expectations. she could also blame herself for the disappoint night of sex, while her friends insist their was magical, and decide she is lucky to get any guy who will put up with her and procede to trap whatever fool she can find, because she will never be as good as her sister….

6:04 am May, 12 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Kelsey: Mitch I picked out this great suit for you to wear to my cousin’s wedding.
Mitch: Is it Ed hardy?
Kelsey: No it is Brooks Brothers. It cost a lot. I want you to look nice when you meet my family.
Mitch: Jesus H Christ I’m playing warcraft can’t you see I have my headset on?? What do you want?
Kelsey: I want you to wear this suit to the wedding.
Mitch: A suit? No way-you know I’m not some 9 to five bullshit guy
Kelsey: Pleeeeeease for me(as see wiggles her ass giving the slightest hint that Mitch might get lucky if he does not get whiskey dick.
Mitch: Alright, but I’m wearing my hat- I ain”t Mitch without my hat. I gotta wear my hat.
Kelsey: He hips slowly stop moving as she sighs -Fine- it that subtle tone which shouts, it may be too late to get another date for the wedding, but as soon as somethng better comes along, Mitch will be flushed like bad night of cheap beer and White Castle.

7:01 am May, 12 DarkSock said...

FUCKTHEFIJI’s right, guys.
.
Let’s take down our fence. Our gay fence.
.
I’m tired of weed-eating around it aand Crucial’s damned Maltese keeps digging under it anyway.

7:02 am May, 12 DarkSock said...

Mitch gave Cindi one last hug, finished his Pepsi in one gulp, and then climbed into the barrel of the cannon.

7:24 am May, 12 Bagnonymous said...

What a giant fuccen cranium this guy has. Did the matching hat & shirt come together in one of those plastic halloween outfit bags? God this guy looks like a dolt.
.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is beautiful–and she’s not rockin’ the booty or wearing a bumpit or anything stupid like that.
Beautiful, just beautiful. Wow.

8:06 am May, 12 Euripidouche said...

is a gay fence a person who deals in stolen antiques?

9:00 am May, 12 French word for shower said...

Or illegally-obtained tickets to Broadway musicals?

10:53 am May, 12 serisously?? said...

it would be nice if we didnt drag sorority girls into this.. and people wouldnt talk about things they know NOTHING about..

it really sucks when greeks turn on each other.. everyone is against us – cant we at least not hate each other..

grow up.. fiji’s and ka’s..

you can all be douche bags.. so get over yourselves

10:59 am May, 12 Deltus said...

We need to have a “no mocking retarded people” rule. I don’t think Mitch is quite right. Could we please have the retarded people dressed in Disney-themed sweatshirts so we can be sure who they are?! Please?!

11:25 am May, 12 iheartiPod said...

I didn’t know people were allowed internet privileges in the Ozarks jail

4:02 pm May, 12 Stephanie said...

Posing with girls,but secretly seeking cock in the gym.

12:19 am May, 13 So So Proud said...

I have never been more proud of anything associated with my college than this picture. Seeing a fellow student on this wonderful website is worth every tuition dollar I have ever paid.
Mitch, I hope you are not disgruntled about being on HCwDB. You should see it as an honor, because not many people in this world will ever have the opportunity to rise to the level of douchesness that you have.
I believe that abnormally large lid on the top of your dome is not just a regular hat but rather a crown.

1:01 pm May, 13 Poopsified said...

Well put So So Proud, well put.

Leave a Reply

What is 8 + 14 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)