Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Proto 'Baguette: Salt 'n Pepa

We don’t spend as much time here at HCwDB charting the path of the douchebaguette’s development over the past twenty years, but perhaps we should.

This early video from what archeologists now term the KidnPlayleolithic Period serves as an important cultural artifact. Salt-n-Pepa were not full blown douchebaguette yet, but the early obnoxious strains are on full display.

As we chart the performative female’s transition from early 90s suckle thigh (Janet Jackson, Jewel, Gloria Estefan, Mariah Carey) into what we now understand as the modern douchebaguette (Kesha, Paris Hilton, Mariah Carey), this music video functions as an important cultural artifact.

This era of emergent ‘baguette would reach its nadir with the Christina Aguilera / Britney Spears whoreodontic period circa 2003 (13 A.G., After Grieco), at which point it transitions into full blown maturity.

And by maturity, I mean skank.

# posted by douchebag1
8:55 am May, 23 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

Kesha may be a ‘baguette,but she is smoking hot. I would transcribe 13th century Gaelic plague diaries just to…you know what never mind. But she is a fox.

8:58 am May, 23 Wheezer said...

Yeah, the 90s overall were pretty worthless for music. Cookie cutterism was nothing new, of course, but it gained a lot of steam as record companies fought more and more to put band development on autopilot while still ensuring profits. Something is clearly wrong with a business when the “talent” that is supposed to gain one success can be too easily faked. Hence, Twitney and her ilk. How can a concert be considered “live” when the “singer” is lipping through it?

9:00 am May, 23 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

It just occurred to me that I’m a part of the problem, not the solution. If you’ll excuse me I will be off reevaluating some of my life choices.

9:22 am May, 23 One for the Choad said...

KidnPlayleolithic. DB1, give yourself the day off for that one.

9:28 am May, 23 i killed a hobo said...

Salty-E Heifers

9:30 am May, 23 Admiral Hamilton ManTitty said...

Salted Pimples

10:16 am May, 23 DJ TooDouche said...

I don’t see it. They’re not nuns, but not ‘baguettes either IMHO. Rockstar leniency anyone?

10:28 am May, 23 Dan said...

All I know is that Spinderella was the hottie in that group.

10:39 am May, 23 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Wonder Wheel was the hottie in this vid. Damn I miss Coney Island…the Freak Show, Nathan’s, the toxic sand, the neverending parade of shallow, materialistic ‘baggery…did I mention how easy it is to score a ginch there…all you need is a can of Old English and a Du Rag. And don’t get me started on Avenue X broads….

11:56 am May, 23 lucious lupus john doesn't like madonna said...

i blame madonna

12:02 pm May, 23 lucious lupus john doesn't like madonna said...

oh, and porn

madonna and porn

12:12 pm May, 23 mikeyj said...

Notable for the lack of tats.

12:38 pm May, 23 doucheywallnuts said...

Salt N Pepa we certainly the prototypical sista-baguettes. No question.

12:55 pm May, 23 dblpits2teste said...

Best heard, not seen

1:14 pm May, 23 MILLS said...

that car and those camel toe enhancing pants are to die for!

1:14 pm May, 23 doucheywallnuts said...

And Coney Island is friggin’ frightening…Have you ever seen the movie “The Warriors?” Not much has changed since and when this video was shot there were more dead bodies than you could shake a dead body at on the beach and under that boardwalk.

2:12 pm May, 23 doucheblaster said...

mariah carey is yet another example of a fair maiden bleeth accelerating to a terminal stage V plastic surgery douchebaguette trainwreck…i pity nick cannon, he works hard for the money

2:23 pm May, 23 Robert said...

Salt’n’Peppa was the best part of America. This post is off-base

2:29 pm May, 23 Troy Tempest said...

doucheblaster is correct – I would throw some of the bleeth blame at Mariah Carey who basically fucked her way to the top.

And of course, there is Yasmine Bleeth herself…

2:40 pm May, 23 Mr. Biggs said...

Just remember, just because they dress like hookers, and dance like strippers, and have strip club themed video props, doesn’t mean you should treat them like hookers.

Ouch. It hurt just to write that.

2:52 pm May, 23 Vin Douchal said...

I must protest the inclusion of the lovely Ms Aguilera in the Bleeth category.

She has managed to avoid the trappings of fame as she’s married with children and has taken a rather glamourous turn in her appearance as her world wide appeal has exploded.

Also, she has some nice boobies

3:11 pm May, 23 wrapped up like a douche said...

Mmm…Mmm…Mmm…for the SMELL of it.

3:19 pm May, 23 Army of Douche-ness said...

im gonna argue that Ke$sha is not a douchebagguette but effectively speaking, a pop music comedian. shes like the Sarah Silverman of music

3:26 pm May, 23 doucheblaster said...

thank you Mr. Tempest and I have to also agree with Vin Douchal. Christina Aguilera deserves rockstar leniency…its clear looking at her musical career, that period of outwhoring Britney Spearsa was just a one time part, nay a horrible one time part of her act/image.

3:58 pm May, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m not gonna get all rascist up yo ass homes butnheren skanks need syphillis tests now yo.f dey dont git nda test i’s gonna bust a cap in some homes crip ass. Dey is durty n slut hose yo. Is gonna bust a cap in yo ass holmes.

4:47 pm May, 23 Dicy said...

I can’t include myself in this discussion because I was teeny tiny when Salt n Peppa was around. However, I do remember thinking Britney and Christina were skanky when I was younger. And today I find ke$ha pretty comical.

5:56 pm May, 23 End the Haberdouchery said...

I’m going to argue that Kesha is just plain gross. She’s the trailer trash from Simple Life that mooched into Paris and Nicole’s Hollywood life. I saw her in Maxim (free subscription, sue me) and I could tell how hard they were trying to make her look attractive, especially overusing the sideways upside down pose so you can’t easily distinguish facial features. The world will be a better place once she goes off radio rotation and every forgets about her auto-tuned music career.

5:57 pm May, 23 End the Haberdouchery said...

*everyone

7:15 pm May, 23 Vin Douchal said...

I’m gonna put my check mark next to Ke$ha is a talentless piece of shit that is merely a character for the sake of duping the already idiotic fans of Lada Gaga into buying more of that type shitty product that passes for entertainment in the young and impressionable.

Fuck Fish Slap

7:20 pm May, 23 Stephanie said...

all that you mentioned are replaceable /interchangeable with yet another chick – they will not be remembered as time goes on. People will remember real singers that sang like it mattered: Aretha Franklin,Janis Joplin, Grace Slick,Dusty Springfield,Dionne Warwick,Nico,Billie Holiday,Patti Smith…

7:23 pm May, 23 Steve L. said...

they look like grumpy divorcees who want to get back at their ex husbands.

7:43 pm May, 23 creature said...

I dunno Boss the sexual revolution embarked over 40 years ago & ya gotta let a girl kick up her freshly emancipated heels from time to time… you can’t put the genie back in the bottle!

8:00 pm May, 23 Vin Douchal said...

@ Stephanie

Nice list. Dusty was my first big crush as a toddler.

Don’t forget Shelby Lynne, Kelly Willis, Olivia Newton-John, Tina Turner and soon to be super star Crystal Bowersox

I want to have babies with Shelby Lynne.

Shelby sings Dusty

8:31 pm May, 23 Whoop-di-douche said...

Nice to see this video on the heels of that little-girlz video circulatin’ around where they are dressed in hot-pants, boots, long gloves, and bra-tops and do the same adult sex moves, but have no boobies or periods yet.

9:59 pm May, 23 Justin said...

Yeah, Aguilera actually has some talent. The girl can sing, regardless of some douchey behavior.

Ke$ha is horrible.

That’s all I have to say tonight.

11:21 pm May, 23 DarkSock said...

I side with Vin and DoucheBlaster on the subject of Christina Aguilera. Sure she made the freshman mistake of trying to outskank Britney’s trainwreck-up-Plinky’s-Mom’s-Ass-Fissure but she can sing like the greats. Prolly cause o them external lungs she got, which I was born to rub fresh-birthed kitten juices acrost in a lugubrious elliptical motion reminiscent of Perez Hilton rubbing a chocolate cockk with his uvula…errmmm ambien done kicked in gotta got try an not set the hause on fyre!!:?:!,!;;’osonsii

12:42 am May, 24 Sterling Ehtehup said...

DB1’s favorite political target as of late:

—————————

“Rand Paul is a libertarian, certainly, but more importantly he’s a particular kind of a libertarian. He’s culturally conservative (opposing both abortion and illegal immigration), radically noninterventionist (he’s against the Iraq war and the United Nations), and so stringently constitutionalist that he views nearly everything today’s federal government does as a violation of the founding fathers’ vision.” – N.Y. Times.

———————————

This worldview goes by many names, including “paleoconservatism,” “the old right” and “paleolibertarianism.” But its adherents — Paul and his father, Ron, included — view themselves as America’s only true conservatives, arguing that the modern conservative movement has sold out to both big government and the military-industrial complex.”

———————————

DB1 fears this movement with his tweeted life. Pitty. If DB1 ever read this mythical “Constitution” he would realize that a truly democratic government is nearly transparent… fucking free as your mother’s conditioned pubic patch. Yet, the lazy slog forth… blind to freedom, and beckoning for mommies teat to satisfy their wonton desires.

———————————

Yet, I’m sure he’ll fork over all his profits from a VH1 extension to all the “others” that he so loves… which mainly consist of the 30K millionaires on this site.

———————————

Oh, the condundrum.

————————————

Time for a Troy Tempest Rant:

12:48 am May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Okay.

.

So I fucked up my wannabe trolling with a few typos and grammatical errors. Honestly, I had nothing to contribute this evening and thought I’d stir up some turmoil by cutting and pasting from my favorite DakSock’s ManGravy sites… fuccen mescal…

12:50 am May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Earnestly, two bottles of whine on an emty stomach are nothing to laff at… ya n09829/>??

4:13 am May, 24 my friends call me @$$hole said...

um, it’s spelled Ke$ha… u know, with a dollar sign, $$$… that is all

4:27 am May, 24 my friends call me @$$hole said...

ya’ know what, that is NOT all… kk, so the basic philosphy around here is if I can’t laugh at YOURself who CAN i laugh at,and i’m fine with that and i’ll admit salt n pepa were pretty laughable at times, but are we forgetting that celebrities get exemptions? or that it was the ’80s and EVERYONE was a douchebag back then? and regardless of all that, salt n pepa’ are nowhere near f’ed up enough to be labled proto-bleeth, u can’t blame this all on them…

6:48 am May, 24 DarkSock said...

Earnestly – DakSock’s got a lugubrious HangOver this morning…pitty

.

drank a half liter of Maker’s by accident…

.

I feel like a used rubber that a wino puked into after a feast of corned beef and hair…

.

GARCON! LORTAB, STAT!

.

*urk*

6:49 am May, 24 DarkSock said...

spinal meningitis got me down

9:31 am May, 24 Crucial Head said...

Damn. I did that?? I remember nothing.

I should do my Admin duty and delete that terrible attempt at trolling, but I feel it is my doody to let that stand as a testament to all that –

A: Never drink on an empty stomach while watching a series finale to a show you haven’t watched in eleventy billion years.

B: Never try to troll here after trolling political websites and dropping “pee in the butt” and “Buffalo Beast” comments.

C: Rand Paul is a fine upstanding person who does an admirable job as a leading spokesperson for the trans-gendered community. I meant nothing political by my cut-and-paste job and have nothing against those in the non gender-specific community. Plus, his duo with Elton John, Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, is a guilty pleasure of mine.

12:00 pm May, 24 doucheblaster said...

For the record Lada Gaga makes me just GAG! fuckin want to kill myself when i hear any of those damn annoying songs.

ke$ha – 14:48 and counting….tick tock

12:14 pm May, 24 Douchey the Great said...

DB1’s favorite political target as of late:

—————————

“Rand Paul is a libertarian, certainly, but more importantly he’s a particular kind of a libertarian. He’s culturally conservative (opposing both abortion and illegal immigration), radically noninterventionist (he’s against the Iraq war and the United Nations), and so stringently constitutionalist that he views nearly everything today’s federal government does as a violation of the founding fathers’ vision.” – N.Y. Times.

==============================

Rand Paul is at least a Stage 1 Scrote because one characteristic of douchebags is that they don’t know when to shut the fuck up.

Back to the topic, exploring the origins of this disease is both fascinating and critical. I think our host should do a more posts on the History of Scrote. Who knows, it could be the topic if his next book.

12:19 pm May, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

All (or most of the above) reasons are why I stopped listening to anything played on a radio after 1994. It is pretty much all the same fuccen shit that I couldn’t stand to listen back then. Very few if any of the “artists” out there have any talent. Take the the baseline from “Under Pressure” by Queen and talk over it. Voila, rap becomes mainstream. Rant retarded shit over samplings of talented people and you have gangsta rap. Yodel in 8 different octaves and you have Mariah Carey and Xtina Aguilera. Add autotune you get Brittney. Put a slide guitar in it and you have country (sorry Vin) ala Shania Twain and Trisha Yearwood. I could go on and on but I won’t. To quote Bob Seger “Today’s music ai’nt got the same soul. Gimme some of that rock ‘n roll.”

2:24 pm May, 24 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ditto to all of the above. I’m a pup compared to some of you and an old hag compared to the rest of you. But I’m riding along a fence where I was young enough to absorb some of the pop-pap of the 90s, old enough to remember the acts of the 70s. And all I can say is this. Once upon a time to be a performer all you needed was talent and lots of it. Mama Cass and her big ol’ fatness and plain face would sing the flesh off the bones of all these talentless twits. Listen carefully–most of todays’ songlets can’t carry a tune worth a damn. If you have five engineered vocal tracks, sure, anyone sounds great, and with Autotune, you don’t need to sing at all! Fuck Gwen Stefani, Avril Lavigne, Kesha, that Paramore chick and all the rest of them. Being cute is great, but there are some of us walking the earth that know the difference between talent and manufactured camouflaging of a no-talent jackass with a cute face.

.

The other day I heard a song on the radio the other day and I said, “Ok, now this little girl has a good voice, who is she?” And everyone laughed and said “Justin Bieber.” Oops.

2:43 pm May, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ @ Medusa

.

Little do you know that you have invoked the rage of Chad Kroeger. He will stalk you now instead of me.

.

Yeah, that’s right. You’re goin’ down Bieber-lover. I’ll let Medusa take care of my “light work.”

7:54 pm May, 24 Whoop-di-douche said...

There can be no Rand Paul.

For me, there is only Paul Rand.

1:39 pm May, 25 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ DBHD–the good news is, Mr. Kroeger’s melon is so huge, I will have a clear head shot, even from the upstairs window on a moonless night after too many cups of coffee and using a cheap knockoff Kalashnikov.

Leave a Reply

What is 8 + 15 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)