Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Ask DB1: “Psychological Malefunction”


Christina writes in with a rant that says it all:

—–
idk what the hell i’m supposed to write here but this dude is a psychological malefunction. i met him a few days before moving back to the east-coast but he convinced me he was worth staying for (stupid choice #1) 25 yr. old in vegas. jobless. lives with mom. in hopes to be a d.j.. favorite t.v. show = rupauls drag-race. runs his mouth on all his friends & is the oldest in his crowd, probably cause it makes him feel “cool”. the temper of a 17 yr. old valley girl on the rag. cries all the time. lies about things normal people wouldn’t lie about. like his ex-girlfriend dying in a car accident, but in full detail…. and crying about it. (i found out she was very much alive & hit the breaking point). he spends more than 2 hr.s getting ready. transforms from a benecio del toro to a napoleon dynamite in a matter of seconds, when zoned out. he is completely obsessed with himself, when i got my camera back i had to delete like 20 freakin photos of him doing “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” faces…

if any girl meets him, run. the lights are on, but nobody’s home with this doucher. SAVE YOURSELF, unless you want this over-dramatic waste of space, PIECE O’ SHIT, in your life.

— Christina
—–

“Psychological malefunction” may be the unintended malapropism of the year. Or, to make a meta-mala, I propose the neologism: “malepropism.”

But I digress. Christina’s email offers a deep and profound insight into the mind of both the H.C. and the D.B. that come together. We, as ‘bag scholars, must perform exegesis upon this text. Unpack it’s complex and contradictory signifiers to discover the larger cultural and historical strains at work.

However, the pic featured here is not Christina’s ex, since I didn’t get a pic of this doucher with a hot chick to run. Here’s the actual pic Christina submitted.

# posted by douchebag1
9:12 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Well, Christina, I trust you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Remember it.
.
.
For as long as you can, anyway.

9:17 am June, 2 yahoo scrotius said...

So many douche signifiers, but the eyebrows alone should have sent you running.

9:18 am June, 2 Thorax Hammersmith said...

Sounds like a big fat pussy, not the hott.

9:20 am June, 2 Ludacris Axehandle McCockkwielder said...

So, does that make Mr. White our official “MaleProPiss’m”?

9:20 am June, 2 mr.reeve said...

Jesus! What wanna be. Picture of yourself drinking a 40oz is enough for me to see douche.
Christina, I hope your eyes are wide open now. You are on of the lucky ones if you truly learn from this experience.

9:24 am June, 2 Teddy Tendergass said...

The actual doucher’s eyebrows are so big that Susan Boyle is optioning them for her next album cover.

9:30 am June, 2 Wheezer said...

Christina’s douche is Jakob Dylan’s baby brother.
.
Seriously, Christina, one look at that idiot should’ve been enough to make you run to a library. Come on, you stuck around for any length of time with that hair?

9:31 am June, 2 Walrus Whisker said...

Hey actual doucher, Groucho Marx called, he wants his eyebrows back.

9:36 am June, 2 Crucial Head said...

@Wheezer,

Jakob Dylan’s baby brother… whose parents were Llama Gallagher from Oasis and Aku from Samurai Jack.

9:38 am June, 2 Mr. White said...

@ludacris

Sadly, I am but an AmateurPiss’m. Unless Medusa coughs up that money she owes me for hosting our “Nights in Rodanus” theme party–then I’d be an official pro.

9:41 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

After getting beat up onstage in Toronto, Noel Gallagher turned his eyebrow into two and started the long emo road to ruin Oasis (who already sucked) with his Colt 45 habit. No more popping Crystal or any running with the Goose for this jackass. Same story if it’s the other Britbag.

9:44 am June, 2 Turdacious said...

Anybody notice the Rabbit foot?, Thats a new one..i remember these were the thing in the 70’s

9:45 am June, 2 Turdacious said...

Can’t catch me cuz the rabbit done died

9:46 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

His eyebrows are so big he makes his own rabbit feet.

9:49 am June, 2 Turdacious said...

You talk about things that nobody cares
Wearing other things that nobody wears
You’re callin’ my name but I gotta make clear
I can’t say baby where I’ll be in a year

9:50 am June, 2 Turdacious said...

hmmm
sweet emotion might just be the douchbag anthem

9:50 am June, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Y’know, I looked at the photo posted and tought, “not much douche here, nice looking gal with a Sophia Bush vibe going” …..

… Then I clicked on the submitted photo and went , “GAHH! THERE‘s my rabbit’s missing foot !”

@ Christina
We use the term punchable around here to describe a certain type of douchebag. Your pal here is the very definition of the word. Hopefully , one of his friends will have had enough eventually and will blast him while that 40 is in his mouth, sending chicklets down his throat.
You pal,
Vin

9:57 am June, 2 Turdacious said...

Full lyrics

Sweet emotion
Sweet emotion

You talk about things that nobody cares
Wearing other things that nobody wears
You’re callin’ my name but I gotta make clear
I can’t say baby where I’ll be in a year

Some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent
Said my get up and go musta got up and went
Well I got good news, she’s a real good liar
Cause the backstage groove’ll set your pants on fire

Sweet emotion
Sweet emotion

I pulled into town in a police car
Your daddy said I took you just a little too far
You’re telling me things but your girlfriend lied
You can’t catch me ’cause the rabbit done died
Yes it did

You stand in the front just a shakin’ your ass
I’ll take you backstage, you can drink from my glass
I’ll talk about something you can sure understand
‘Cause a month on the road an’ I’ll be eating from your hand

10:03 am June, 2 clam fist said...

I love dumb chicks!

10:05 am June, 2 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Christina, what the fuck were you thinking? Look at that guy. You must be more than a little off yourself. WOW!

10:13 am June, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

What’s the deal with the penis with eyes tatt on his concave chest looking up at an actual dickhead? Now there’s some irony for you.

10:15 am June, 2 douche douchestofferson said...

Are those dicks on his chest?

10:15 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

His eyebrows are so big the Black Eyed Peas hired him as a fan to get rid of smell of Fergie’s wet stinky hole.

10:16 am June, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Christina,
At least you had enough sense to leave before this happened.

10:25 am June, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If we look very closely I think we can see that this may be one of those see through pantyhose faux tatt shirts.

And Dr. Bunsen’s link works as a eyebrow fluffer in gay porn.

10:49 am June, 2 Douchey Lewis and the News said...

A 40 of High Life?! That sick bastard. We are pilgrims in an unholy land.

11:01 am June, 2 dbBen said...

Weird, I really thought that would have worked out. What with the donger forest tattooed on his chest and whatnot.

11:20 am June, 2 DarkSock said...

Sweeeeet Emulsion…
.
“What’s love got ta do, got ta do with it?
What’s looove but a second hand emulsion?”

11:27 am June, 2 boone doggle said...

i don’t see any lights on. i see sirens.

11:34 am June, 2 curbyourendouchiasm said...

Sorry, Christine, no sympathy. This dude is a special kind of douche–one with no game. My man in the leather cup got more game than this punk.

You dated him? I looked at his picture for 5 seconds, and all I want to do is KICK HIS FUCKING ASS.

11:37 am June, 2 Douche Unto Others said...

So Christina, what you’re telling us is that the guy who looks like a huge douchebag turned out to be a huge douchebag? Got it. Thanks.

And we can now assume that you will never ever waste your time trying to find the underlying sweetheart in a tat-wrapped package of emo poser sheep manure ever again…

…right?

12:36 pm June, 2 chaserofthehott said...

My dear sweet Christina, What’s your # now that you’re single?

12:38 pm June, 2 chaserofthehott said...

Oh wait, you’re not the hott in the picture. Can you send a picture of yourself, naked, except for high heels, and drinking champaign, or just pouring it all over yourself. Whatever is fine really…

1:43 pm June, 2 Deltus said...

The guy looks like a puss douche loser. Just on first glance. That alone should have red-flagged his ass.

2:40 pm June, 2 waggyman said...

what were you thinking?

2:55 pm June, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Am I the only one who wants to know more about what is happening in the posted picture? Looks like a cat fight in 3…2…1…
.
Anyone for story time?

3:13 pm June, 2 Euripidouche said...

@Dr Bunsen

though its probably just his doucheface, i’m guessing the story ended before it really started….

like in baseball, in the bottom of the 9th when there are two on and you are down by one, you line a gapper, the first run scores the game is tied, the second scores the game is over, even though it probably would have gone for a double, all you get credit for is a single.

4:07 pm June, 2 Victor von Douche said...

This looks like the result of roid rage, except this dipshit isnt even well built enough for that to be a valid excuse.

4:38 pm June, 2 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Reading Christina’s description of him, then seeing his picture, this sounds like a SEVERELY closeted-and-in-denial gay guy.

You were a beard, Christina, sorry to say.

4:59 pm June, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

This is a good sign. Ten, even five years ago, guys like this would get girls as moist and ready to rub as a dish sponge. If they thought he was an asshole it only intensified their passion.
This however marks a shift in which she realizes he’s a total fraud, a whiny bitch boy who gets by in life by too much makeup. As Stanhope says so elegantly, the vag has slammed shut.

4:59 pm June, 2 Horace Dangleballs said...

I’ll give Christina a pass, provided she is willing to join us as a ‘baghunter. Think about it, kid… you can provide pics of complete and total douchebags and earn the respect and lust (well, maybe lust) of a group of educated professional “hatters.” Win-win for all. JOIN US, WOMAN!

And the submitted pic is a fucktard.

8:59 pm June, 2 Whoop-di-douche said...

Pity the poor woman who mothered that choadic disaster. Oh, I forgot. She’s enabling him.

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