Sunday, June 27, 2010

Douchebag on the Beach

Off-camera ladies bringing the ‘bag hunting mock makes the DB1 happy on this Sunday morning in Vegas. Even happier, the Vegas ‘Bags do not know that I walk amongst them, mocking as I go.

# posted by douchebag1
8:56 am June, 27 Anon said...

How did the douchebag with the soccer/volley ball not get mocked as well?

9:00 am June, 27 Mr. White said...

@anon

I thought that for a moment, but on the other hand, the soccer ball dude was actually playing a game that one might enjoy outdoors and didn’t seem to be doing it solely to get female attention, unlike the douche with the Seen on TV ™ bungee cord workout system.

9:13 am June, 27 doucheywallnuts said...

I too loved the fattydouche trying to do soccer ball tricks, and felt he was equally mockable. However, flabbydouche with his exercise tubing is spectacular. Watching videos of douchebags from a variety of genus and species is so much more powerful than see simple snapshots. I am putting a call out for more video evidence of the doucheness that surrounds us. Next week I am going on vacation at the Jersey shore and will be on the hunt with my video camera.

9:25 am June, 27 Troy Tempest said...

For insight into the douchebag ideology, one should read Bageant’s latest scree on consumer culture here.

Douchebaggery is deep in the way of America, and it is spreading.

9:38 am June, 27 MILLS said...

..its like watching strange rare creatures in the wild…this shit should be on the discovery channel!

10:10 am June, 27 soy bomb said...

I love the idea of DB1 creeping around Vegas, mocking the douches Buffalo Beast style…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wait. What a second. Could DB1 be Buffalo Bea…I mean, they’ve never been seen together if you think about…naw, that idea is too absurd for even this website.

10:12 am June, 27 Wheezer said...

Boss, sign those ladies up and get them over here! That kind of ‘huntress work needs to be recognized and fawned over by all of us slobbering perverts.

.

Speaking for myself, anyway…..

10:32 am June, 27 Wheezer said...

Troy, thanks for the link! That’s a great read. : )

11:46 am June, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

He certainly ought to do more cardio and less resistance training. Besides, those bands will kick your ass, especially if you have girlish noodle arms. However, doing it on the beach to impress women makes you look like, well, a douchebag.

12:11 pm June, 27 Marc said...

Hey, was that Kits Beach in Vancouver?

We have soooooooooooo many fucken douchebags here it’s not funny!

We should be re-named Douchecouver.

I’m serious!

12:28 pm June, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This could be Montreal or Toronto’s douche beaches. Well not Toronto since there are no apparent hipsterbag fop university students throwing bricks and rocks at cops for no reason other than they are poor, stupid, angry Emo’s.

The kids are not alright. Baby Jesus weeps for the future of humanity. Let us pray, drink, and fucle in memory of the departed Mr.Keith Moon on drumkit.

12:55 pm June, 27 Dicy said...

I know I’ve asked this before but could someone post a link to this video… because my phone doesn’t support flash.

-Dicy

1:23 pm June, 27 McLeery said...

Pretty sure that was the best of Vancouver Douchery…..possibly Jehrico Beach!

1:25 pm June, 27 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

@ Dicy

 

Gladly.

1:27 pm June, 27 Ariscrotle said...

Here ya go Dicy. Enjoy!

1:31 pm June, 27 clam fist said...

That bungee strap workout gear looks a lot like the penis enlargement contraption I tried to develop with little success.

2:09 pm June, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Forgot you were a student Dicy. American students get a pass on this nonsense in Toronto. I’m waiting for the police to attack them again. More exciting than watching soccer.

2:24 pm June, 27 Dicy said...

@Douchie Howser @Ariscrotle

Thanks guys! That was too funny, those girls are my heros now!

@Rev Chad

Thanks for the pass. I try my best to not let the university hipster scene get me. Fuccen hippies.

-Dicy

2:40 pm June, 27 creature said...

that guy should wrap that thing around his neck while jerking off in the public restroom… only way he’s gonna score with that contraption

2:43 pm June, 27 Teddy Tendergass said...

Here ya go Dicy:

2:45 pm June, 27 Walrus Whisker said...

Here you go Dicy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Bc5GMiOjf0&feature=player_embedded#!

3:00 pm June, 27 Thorax Hammersmith said...

Don’t know if anyone’s answered Dicy yet, but

Here ya go!

3:17 pm June, 27 Troy Tempest said...

Is “Douchebag on the Beach” a Jane Siberry reference? Cuz Mimi was kinda bleethy…

3:18 pm June, 27 creature said...

some srazy anon & a spammer successfully killed the SS thread…. and his name was Samurai Scrote

3:28 pm June, 27 Kandyisha Jones said...

The next G-20 meeting will be in Plinky’s mom’s right fallopian tube. It is too stinky for hippies to riot in there.

4:01 pm June, 27 Steve L. said...

@ Marc 12:11 PM,

i have no way of identifying whether that is Kits Beach, but Vancouver IS full of douchebags. and douchebags.

and the sad thing is, there does not seem to be as many volleyball hotts as there are volleyballs in Vancouver. fuck you Vancouver.

4:02 pm June, 27 Steve L. said...

@ myself right above,

Vancouver IS full of douchebags. and volleyballs.

i thought the morning hangover was over already?

4:04 pm June, 27 Vancouver Douche Hunter said...

If you all want to plug 1262 Arbutus Street, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada in to google maps, then click on street view you can get an first hand look at the nexus of Vancouver douche bag actrivity every summer, Kits Beach.

4:06 pm June, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Seeing douchebags in motion gives me, uh, ah, um, aaaaaggggghhhhh…..motion sickness!

4:08 pm June, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Do Hello Kitty Bleeths hang out at Kits Beach?

5:17 pm June, 27 DarkSock said...

Don’t know if anyone’s answered Dicy yet, but

.

Here ya go!

6:00 pm June, 27 Crucial Head said...

@DarkSock,

.

Between that clip, The Three Bromingos, and Troy T’s ‘trout birth’ clip, I have now come to the realization that I will never overcome my dependence on alcohol.

.

Goodbye sober life…

7:02 pm June, 27 The Annon said...

The midwestern North Dakota-like accent sounds kind of funny.

7:30 pm June, 27 Hotspur said...

DB1 you are a pligrim in an unholy land. Hope none of that stuff you are witnessing in LV effects you in a negative way

7:44 pm June, 27 Dicy said...

Thanks everyone for sending me the link!

Especially you @Darksock.. I can always count on you to be extra confusing. This is why we’re best friends and I dream about you every night and then I wake up and my undergarments are ruined again with this awful wetness that I don’t understand and my body is changing every day but I’m really glad I have you in my life to.. hey.. why are you touching me like that?!

7:50 pm June, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Effective immediately, nothing in LV will EVER affect DB1 in a negative way.

Unless Plinky’s mom shows up. Then everyone is doomed, no exceptions.

8:19 pm June, 27 DarkSock said...

@ Dicy:

I know all about this “wetness” of which you speak….there is nothing to be ashamed of. I, too, have suffered at the hands of the Olestra cartel.

.

I can only offer solace…and Olestra haiku:

.

Olestra O.D.

Visions of the afterlife

Like too much fiber

.

Olestra on ice

Brown pools, worse than yellow snow

Clog the Zamboni

.

Oh King Olestra

Wear thy crown of turds with pride

For soon the rains come

.

Queen of Olestra

Bow before me, take this chip

Your throne is soiled

.

Olestra party

Good friends, good stories, good chips

Ass shoot like rocket

.

One to many chips

The floodgates open. What next?

Two-tone underpants

.

Dinner with the boss

Eat Olestra, hear rumble

What would Dilbert do?

.

“Love, honor, respect?”

Down on your knees, stupid bitch

Eat the Olestra

.

Olestra diet

Chips for all meals and snacks

Binge and purge, my ass!

.

Too much of good thing

Can be worse than not enough.

Death by Olestra

.

Olestra Haiku

Gives new meaning to the phrase

“Downturn is Asia”

.

Village idiot

You eat Olestra, he laughs

Who is the dumb one?

.

Olestra fruit snack

Toilet harvest; reap, or ream?

Like prunes on steroids.

.

Chips chips chips chips chips

I said it five times, damn it!

Now where is your john?

.

Confucious he say

Olestra not favorite

Damn American chip!

.

Thank you for the chips!

Now outta my way, dick head

Before I explode

.

Olestra phone tag

Should be solid; turns runny

Sorry, wrong number

.

Olestra, it works!

It’s hard to pack on the pounds

When your ass explodes

.

Once upon a time

A fair dame ate Olestra

Castle walls did smell

.

Olestra statesman

“Give me chips, or give me death”

What died up my ass?

.

Bound up like a stone

Olestra, please help me shit

Careful what you wish

.

If I had a gun

I’d kill the Olestra dude

Make him feel my pain

.

Famous Olestra

Tom Cruise loves potato chips

Show me the runny

.

Olestra sandwich

Two buns surround liquid

Look, a “Sloppy Joe!”

.

Montana road trip

Blue plate special: Olestra

Look, Marge, Old Faithful!

.

Ate too many chips

The dip ran out early on

My anus did shoot

.

I like Olestra

Abstract art, my BVDs

Anal leakage rules!

.

Olestra snack break

Molten spew clogs the toilet

Make it stop, mommy

.

One more thing, anus:

I’ll stop eating those new chips

If you stop dripping

.

Good idea gone bad

Hanes, cheaper in the three-pack

Have another chip

.

Eat a tasty chip

Run for the John, just in time

This sure beats Colon Blow

.

Olestra milk shake

Makes lactose intolerance

Look like nirvana

.

Olestra girlfriend

Romance gives way to rumbles

Where’s the beef, she asks?

.

Olestra English

Gives new meaning to the term

A run-on sentence

.

My dog loves junk food

What about Olestra chips?

My dog won’t touch them

.

Olestra salsa

gives new meaning to the term

“tear a new asshole”

.

Clinton testifies

Lunch break, everyone eats chips

Grand Jury leakage

.

Dance hall Olestra

Eat chips, do the Charleston

grease the pantaloons

.

Snacks at the movies

Olestra’s revenge is quick

Halfway through the show

.

The sinful glutton

Potato chips in his mouth

Soon his doom will strike

.

On the way to work

Nearly hit another car

Those aren’t coffee stains

.

It’s all romantic

Until Olestra joins in

That old mood spoiler

.

Gardening children

Do extra good for the plants

When fed Olestra

.

Olestra mall trip

You should’ve known there’d be a line

Anyone have napkins?

.

Olestra passes

Oh, the pain of rejection!

It leaves so quickly

.

Olestra gasses

Oh, the ease of ejection!

Oops! That was not gas.

.

Knock knock. Who is there?

Olestra. Olestra who?

Soiled bunhuggers

.

You little stinker

I warned you about those chips

Now go wash the walls

.

Olestra breakfast

The breakfast of champions

Champion crappers

.

Olestra sea cruise

Button down the hatches, boy

and man the poop deck!

.

Don’t feed the bird chips!

gift from his feathered colon

Johnny Carson’s desk

.

South Park; Funny Show

Explosive Diarrhea

No More Chips, Kenny

.

Terrence and Phillip

“Hey Terrence, have some more chips”

“Haha…you SQUIRTED!”

.

last eighteen inches

of my lower intestine

cramps, gurgles and squirts

.

My colon folds

Faster than superman

At the laundromat

.

What fool would trade

Vanity for a working

Digestive system.

.

Olestra like love

First tasty without regrets

Then knee deep in shit

.

Force feed Olestra

To your soon-to-be ex-wife

Is it worth the smell?

.

Early morning race.

A midnight Olestra snack.

Yams in my jammies.

8:20 pm June, 27 DarkSock said...

…sorry…

8:22 pm June, 27 DarkSock said...

My colon folds

Faster than superman

At the laundromat

.

it was WORTH it…..

8:23 pm June, 27 Whoop-di-douche said...

Dedicated field anthropologist that he is, DB1 is forever searching out new variations of douchebaggery. NJ, LV and LA are the hotbeds, but othesr suffer the viral contamination in both visual and audio manifestation.

In Australia, for instance, it is known as digeree-digeree-douche.

In Europe and Britain, Eurip-a-Douche, or simply EuroDouche. Some refer to that as EuroTrash.

There is also ScandicDouche, sort of the Mystic Pizza of douchebaggery because no one can figure out why tasty ice-blondes would do such a thing, let alone refer to a seaport in Connecticut.

The former SSR’s are part Euro, part Balkan, part Asian douche. Like the infamous Mooby Dick, they just cannot quite figure out what they are but it doesn’t stop them from douching it up. Perhaps they need some vampire intervention.

South of our Border we have a vast array of douchebaggery and skullduggery. DayoftheDead douche is celebrated once a year, even though it

is happening with far greater regularity than one feast day allows. Ed Hardy in all his manifestation appears to be derived from Mexican douchery. His tee-shirt designs fit right in with Mayan and Aztec rituals.

When it comes to douchebag studies, the rituals never end. Neither will the mocking.

8:35 pm June, 27 Crucial Head said...

Fahuuuuucceeeeen A!

.

If that wasn’t clipped from elsewhere – and even if it was… that was fuccen epic. E-P-I-C. It may take my mind years to sort it all out, actually. I have two kids who are constantly shitting their pants… and on long whiskey binges, I have also been known to “wet” myself from time to time.

.

.

And by “time to time”, I mean Thursday through Tuesday, with an occasional casual Wednesday thrown in to ‘mix-it-up a bit.

.

But THAT, good sir, is precious. The Haiku Gauntlet hath been thrown, and I, for one, have no answer.

8:36 pm June, 27 Crucial Head said...

^^

@DarkSock… my mind hath been namanipulated!

8:36 pm June, 27 Troy Tempest said...

For the newbies, you are wondering what Crucialhead is maundering on about, and how he can’t quit the booze.

View this film and wonder no more.

Fish Birth

I’m not responsible if you hurl up your dinner or gouge your eyes out from fear and frustration, as it is simply one of the most fucked up videos on youtube. ever.

8:38 pm June, 27 Troy Tempest said...

@Darksock-

stunning.

9:09 pm June, 27 creature said...

what is this ‘Olestra’ whose virtues you extoll… I must have some!

9:39 pm June, 27 Vin Douchal said...

LOL! Darksock, that killed me….

One more thing, anus:

I’ll stop eating those new chips

If you stop dripping

11:12 pm June, 27 Steve L. said...

Procter and Gamble

suddenly finds headquarters’

toilets overflowed.

but let me assure

you, DarkSock could NOT have been

involved. blame rectum.

11:13 pm June, 27 Steve L. said...

Procter and Gamble

suddenly finds headquarters’

toilets overflowed.

but let me assure

you, DarkSock could NOT have been

involved. blame rectum.

(that’s more like it – damn my late night unconsciousness)

11:16 pm June, 27 Steve L. said...

invading Kits Beach

with Olestra will be so

evil and stellar.

11:37 pm June, 27 Steve L. said...

while we’re on the subject, however:

if you see douchebag

at bar, slip eye drops into

his beer if you can.

much more productive

than Olestra. better than

date rape drugs too, yo.

yeah. eye drops. i don’t

know why either. science is

weird. so are bowels.

12:23 am June, 28 Scroteophobic said...

Is it buy one get one free on Ambien this week?

12:24 am June, 28 Baleen said...

Sock threw down more Haiku than Basho on a three day meth binge. Well played sir.

12:25 am June, 28 Baleen said...

Darksock’s muse: My Little Pony

12:37 am June, 28 bcs said...

darksock just made my brain explode

6:15 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Alas I cannot claim these; I am however a collector of Olestra Haiku. Once a mighty and thriving art form, it has waned along with the popularity of anal leakage chips. I have hundreds archived. My favorite was this epic run (sorry) that inexplicably combines the themes of WW2 and Olean chips in 5-7-5 format:

.

Seig Heil Olestra

Anal leaks uber alles

Heil der Farterland

.

Hitler in brown shorts

Hirohito Frito spurts

Olestra Axis

.

Aryan junk food

Stains will last a thousand years

Wagner butt thunder

.

Explosions at dawn

Pearl Harbor in my Jockeys

Olean sneak attack

.

Paratroops revealed

Olestra drips over France

Invasion repelled

.

.

Hirohito Frito spurts“….that one still kills me…

6:18 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

In observance of BP oil finally reaching Biloxi’s shore:

.

Olestra blow-out

Deep Horizon in my pants;

Brown sludge on butt beach.

6:20 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Brown bands surge to shore;

BP drilling rig blowout?

Olean-filled swimmers.

6:21 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Subsurface gas blasts

Dolphins say “Fuck this shit, man”;

Grow legs, hit the beach

6:23 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Office party hell

I laugh and slip a small fart

What’s that in my shoe?

6:24 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Bad Rex ate my chips

Now tries to escape his ass

Circling endlessly

6:24 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Olean Warrior

Strode quickly and mightily

Bee-line to the john

6:25 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Paying the fare with

olestra chips I ride the

Porcelain Trolley

6:25 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Olestra Breakfast

gives new meaning to the phrase

‘my morning coffee’

6:25 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

The road less travelled

occasional path to john

now super-highway

6:26 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Nocturnal craving

Seize the Olestra products

Butt trumpet at dawn

6:26 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Hear the poopie bird

cry “Cree! Cree!”. She seeks loam, not

this crass Olestra.

My warm, once-loamy

voiding, now an oily grave

of poor light snack choice.

6:26 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Please get me some bran.

I cannot move from this john,

chained by Olestra

6:27 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Olestra-powered,

I generate dark liquid

Like Mr. Coffee.

6:27 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Take the empty bag

And tuck it into your shorts

To catch the deluge

%%

The little boy said

“Mommy, my poop is orange”

As his pants evinced

%%

Olean has made me

Thin but unapproachable

Gaseous force-field

%%

Toilet paper tucked

Into my rectal cleavage

I walk carefully

%%

She’s so beautiful

But she stained my upholstery

At least she’s not fat

6:29 am June, 28 DarkSock said...

Well that’s enough of that shit….that’s maybe 2% of my collection. The rest goes back into the curatorial storehouse.

6:53 am June, 28 Dicy said...

Hahaha I try to tell Darksock he gives me wet dreams and I get 5463875 haikus about olestra. You guys are the greatest commentors on the interwebs.

7:04 am June, 28 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@DarkSock^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

.

My god, it’s full of olestra.

.

Outstanding. Mind boggling. Humbling.

7:12 am June, 28 lucious lupus john ponders douchebag or doufus said...

i would say he is more doufus or a hapless half wit than douchebag, and these chicks just two idiots among a thousand other idiots on the beach as they are there for the same reason as the doufus. which kind of makes me wonder–why vegas?

8:38 am June, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Dark Sock

You have cured my explosive diarrheah. I see that you spend your Sundays on Ambien, LSD, and Ginko Biloba binges.

12:20 pm June, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

And here I thought my churning guts were disturbing; I had forgotten all about Olestra. Jeebus. Being at the mercy of someone who wanted to try the latest toxic convenience foods for most of my lifetime, I tried some of those WOW! chips and one of those drinky things for weight loss, Fuze or something like that. Sweet leprechaun livers, my ass was dripping like the basement faucet for three days. The thin, yellow sheen of oil on the toilet water every time I sat on the throne had this horrid, acrid smell like a leaking battery. Not to mention I had to burn half of my undies as they were unusable. And to think those lazy fat fucks thought it was a better solution than eating some broccoli and taking a walk. At least you won’t have turpentine seeping into the seat of your Dockers from broccoli. Thanks for that awful trip down memory lane, DarkSock. We can all count on you to bring the gross.

12:29 pm June, 28 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ @ Medusa

.

Could you be a little more graphic about your “Olestra Adventure”? I don’t think you’re giving us the full picture with that terse description.

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