Friday, June 11, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

I contemplate the Chinese letter ab tatt on this friday, and wonder whether the giggle hotties really know that it stands for “Beef with Broccoli.” Which, of course, is what Vinny named his weenus.

Yeah, I just used the word “weenus” in a post. Because “Cockmonstrous” is currently being taken over at Perez Hilton. And we blogs gotta ration the terms.

Ahhh… Friday.

Season #3 of my show is official, and my new book proposal is about to go out. Times are good for the age of douche mocking.

However, your humble narrator has had an especially poor diet this week consisting of cookies, alcohol, Hot Pockets, alcohol, tasty Hostess Sno-balls, alcohol, and, for nutrition reasons, chicken pot pies. Health food is for suckas.

Here’s your links:

First up: The douchiest shirt in the world. Price: $1098.00.

The Jizz Singer. Still out there. Still taking iPhone bathroom self portraits.

And don’t forget to follow The Jizz Singer on Twitter for highly stimulating conversation. Doug, he so fresh.

Bro Fights!!

Narcissistic preening suckwad, the uberdouchey John Mayer, is still proving he’s a douchestain.

File under “Captain Obvious:” The Jersey Shore is a Herpes Nest. And to think, I gave the world “Snooki.” I may never work off that karmic debt.

David Mamet’s Lost Masterpieces of Pornography is strange, amusing and bizarre in all the right ways. It almost makes Funny or Die seem worthwhile. Almost.

iBalls.

Et tu, People of Walmart? Not even a link to me for borrowing the title? The internet is a silly place.

Ben Roethlisberger overtakes Jeff Reed as biggest douchebag in the NFL.

Speaking of Jizz Singers, there are many things one should witness in a life well lived. At the top of the list: Neil Diamond in blackface.

As to Laurence Olivier, I refuse to consider anyone in the conversation for greatest actor of all time who puts out performances as shite as this. Tom Cruise as Les Grossman performed in less offensive Jew-face. And DeNiro never needs to apologize for Rocky & Bullwinkle again.

Okay. You’re not here on this Friday afternoon for the DeNiro clip. You’re hear for your reward after another week of quality ‘bag mocking and hott lusting.

And here it is, in honor of the World Cup:

Soccer Pear

She Pears… She Scores!

Diego’s Pearadonna

Or, as the Europeans call it… Footpear.

And for those who don’t like Soccer or care about the World Cup, head on over to the beach for…

Dunespeary.

Never say I did nuthin’ for ya. Now go out there, and if you’re a ‘bag hunter, save a hottie. If you’re a huntress, mock a douche when he hits on you.

For it is Friday. And the weekend is upon.

# posted by douchebag1
1:08 pm June, 11 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

.

.

.

I Love Ass Pear

.

.

.

**clicks off**

1:14 pm June, 11 Bagnonymous said...

Not that I endorse John Mayer as a reformed non-douche, but at least he didn’t shave that louse-infested crab farm of his…

1:26 pm June, 11 chaserofthehott said...

Thanks DB1, what a great Friday!

1:29 pm June, 11 Claude Douchenburg said...

oh man you scored big with the ass pear this week DB1. Thanks a heap. Now I can go to sleep.

1:29 pm June, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

She Pears…She Scores! could use a littler fertilizer on her grass.

.

Know what I’m sayin?

.

And Ass Clown on the right should be proud. His Vietnamese sex boy just keeps getting taller with every passing year.

1:29 pm June, 11 Unfinished Tattoo Guy said...

I just loves me som

1:31 pm June, 11 Bagnonymous said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels,

.

Please accept this boner as a token of my love for you. I would like to take you home to meet my mother, where she will offer you backhanded insults in a cheerful tone. Then I will take you home, and wait on you hand-and-foot like the princess that you are, until you are eventually bored of me and begin verbally berating me for being the half-of-a-man that I am. I shall be left nothing but the memory of that one time you let me sniff your shower gel (and, well, that other time when approximately 2 ounces of your shower gel “mysteriously” vanished, and then I was “using the facilities” for the next twenty minutes). Those are the times I shall cherish the most. I promise to never hurt you, or to come within that 200-ft. court-ordered radius of your radiant beauty.

.

All my love,

Donovan Bagnonymous Mastersson, III

1:36 pm June, 11 Bigphatnotadouche said...

UnGodly Ass Pear – Thanks DB1

I have a weekend of twapping to look forward.

1:44 pm June, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Nice.

1:45 pm June, 11 mr.reeve said...

I love ass pear. Because I am an ass pear man.

I love when you click on the Health Food link you the work out hottie from a month or two ago is on the right hand side. The title is “Fitness – Fast Death Workout”. You can really get a good arm and hand workout in when you watch. The soccer ass pear was delightful and since a good friend of mine is English and I am American we will honor the USA vs. England soccer game tomorrow with a trip to the pub for an all day drunk fest. Which is the only way I would watch a soccer match. Drunk.

1:50 pm June, 11 Deltus said...

I’m on ass pear overload, and me likey! It’s almost enough for me to give a flying crap about the World Cup. Almost.

1:50 pm June, 11 Crucial Head said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels,

.

Please ignore the feigned romanticism of my colleague, Mr. Bagnonymous. Instead, pay heed to my painstaking work of poetry:

.

.

Roses are Red

So is your hair

Violets are Blue

May I spank your derriere?

.

.

With my weenus?

.

Sincerely,

.

Crucial Aloysius Head Sr., Esq., Dr., AIA, LEEDap, CDT

1:56 pm June, 11 Dicy said...

Ye Gods! Lot’s of lovely ass pear. I want to play dress up and have a night on the town of giggling dancing with Soccer Pear.

That is all.

No, wait, John Mayer is a douche.

2:07 pm June, 11 Ludacris Axehandle McCockkwielder said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels:

.

You are lookin’ good in that pair of shoes

Makes me almost want to quit drinkin’ booze

But I’ll never quit

I’ll just ogle your tit

Until I empty my weenus of all its glue.

.

.

Sincerely,

.

L.A. McCockkwielder, The Elder

2:17 pm June, 11 darksock said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels:

.

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

You make me clown-box

Till he vomits glue.

.

.

Fart,

.

D. Sockk

2:21 pm June, 11 mr.reeve said...

This is for Vin Douchal or anyone else who is a fan of ass pear. Twitter has the lovely Suelyn Medeiros a Brazilian hottie who loves tweeting pictures of her ass. Her ass tweets alone make having a Twitter account meaningful. Enjoy!

2:31 pm June, 11 DarkSock said...

Re: “Bro Fights!!”

.

I believe they are in fact making Manny The Invisible Goat air-tight right out in public.

2:49 pm June, 11 Vin Douchal said...

I think that Chinese letter ab tatt translates to “Porch Beef with Broccoli Farts”

@ Mr Reeve

Yeah, I think I’ve sent her Ass Pear to Db1 before. Them’s some beefy , uh, … um,… , … , beef sections

2:52 pm June, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels:

.

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Perez Hilton swallows cockks

How ’bout you?

.

.

Rama Lama,

.

V. Douchal, A&R Talent Scout : CockMonstrous Records LLC

3:19 pm June, 11 Teddy Tendergass said...

The Chinese lettering says “S C A T M U N C H E R!!!“.

.

Trust me, I speak Japanese.

3:33 pm June, 11 Southern Scrotic said...

That’s not Bro Fights,

That’s Bro Foreplay!!

3:47 pm June, 11 mr.reeve said...

I am pretty sure the Bro Fights lead to a little Tree and Branch action.

3:54 pm June, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels:

Please ignore the ramblings of these amateurish goofs. Mayhaps I could pique your attention with this sonnet, to the tune of Little Red Corvette.

.

Something I like to call Little Red Guidette

.

Guess I should have known by the way you flashed me your side boob that I wouldn’t last

You’re the kind of hotchick who believes in dating douchebags, takin’ it up the ass

Yeah you know you made me spurt, you got some asspear in your short shorts, something no one could refuse

And when it’s Saturday night I’ll cry and turn out the light when you say ‘Tato, ready for some abuse

And meekly I plead

.

Little Red Guidette,

Madam you stroke too fast

Little Red Guidette

You need a grip that’s gonna last

.

Guess I should have closed my eyes when you tied me to the rack and pushed me down on my knees

‘Cuz I felt a little ill, when I saw all the pictures of the horses in whose asses you’d peed

Believe it or not I started to worry, thinkin’ ‘bout my virgin crevasse

But it was Saturday night you put the cuffs on real tight and you said “Tato, watch me fill up this glass

Oh yeah

.

Little Red Guidette

Madam you’re make me scream

Little Red Guidette

I’ve got your STDs in my bloodstream

.

A booty like yours ought to be in impaled

Please say you’re over nineteen

I’m begging you baby give me the keys

And I’ll turn you upside down and fill you with protein

.

Little Red Guidette

Madam you’re much too fast

Little Red Guidette

DB1’ll add you to next year’s cast

.

Little Red Guidette

Really you got to slow down

Little Red Guidette

‘Cuz if you don’t you’re gonna turn my little tator tot into ground round

.

Into ground round

Unless you want to go down

You’re moving much to fast

Did you really think that I could last?

.

Girl you got a clam like I’ve never seen

And the sides, I say the sides are so smooth

Please tell me you’re not preteen

.

Madam you’re much too fast

Little Red Guidette

Please use a glove, yeah use a glove

That’ll help me last

You got to slow down

Little Red Guidette

.

Cuz if you don’t, cuz if you don’t

You gonna turn my cockk right into ground round

Right into ground round

Right into ground round

Little Red Guidette

.

.

With respect,

.

And latex gloves

.

Mr. Scrotato Head, Troubadour

4:01 pm June, 11 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I’m guessing Bro Fights ends with a lot of slap marks on each of their chests, a bunch of pouting, and an endless stream of “Bitch!” “Who you calling a bitch? I ain’t no Bitch! Sniff! You’re the bitch. Bitch!”

.

Followed by appletinis and an exchange of stylist phone numbers.

4:23 pm June, 11 soy bomb said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ turquoise heels,

.

Please accept this humble, yet honest vow that my great-grandfather Petr gave to his lovely Czech bride Olinka on their wedding day lo those many years ago, roughly translated into English for you:

.

.

I am to enoy sex at you

.

.

Thank you for letting me share,

.

Soilent (Soy) Bomb-Smythe, the Final

4:28 pm June, 11 Hapich said...

Mr. Reve. You are my best friend!! Suelyn Medeiros is god head!!!!!!!!!!!!

4:28 pm June, 11 DoucheyWallnuts said...

If it weren’t for steroids, how much less offensive would the douchebag trend be?

Also, soccer-themed ass-pear is waaaaaaay more interesting than the sport of soccer in any of its forms.

4:38 pm June, 11 Mahatma Gandouche said...

Mayerbag has perfected the new GSR groin shave Reverse

5:02 pm June, 11 tall guy said...

Dunespeary for HOP. Now!

Ever since that time back in the ’70s when I went into the sand hills at my local beach to smoke a number with a girl who wouldn’t let me go all the way because it was ‘her time of the month’, I’ve had a reoccurring fantasy for outdoor action at the beach. I mean, I’m not getting any younger, this shit needs to happen fairly soon.

5:09 pm June, 11 tall guy said...

Also, re. the Chinese character ab tatt:

being so close to Asia many Australians spend their vacations in places like Thailand, Vietnam, Laos etc. The local variant on the bag, the bogan, loves nothing more than scoring a cheap tatt in said places and with the combined back home bragging associated with such activities usually bores everyone within coo-ee before too long. Until, that is, they learn that their cheap tatt actually says something rather offensive; which is usually directed at them.

5:16 pm June, 11 Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or does it seem like Chiahuahuas masturbate alot?

5:28 pm June, 11 fatness said...

To “She Pears… She Scores!”:

.

I want…no NEED…to be your ball.

.

That’s all.

.

* sigh *

5:35 pm June, 11 MILLS said...

Lovin the world cup themed ass pear! hohohoh we should hav tht every week! i nominate all of them for hall of pear! and if ever there needed to be proof for Argentina being the motherland of all hots that was it!

Actually tht jus gave me an idea there sould be AN ASS PEAR WORLD CUP!! with all the ass pears of the world competing against each other in “Arss-football” matches where the aim of the game is just like soccer except instead of using feet hotts would use their arsses to control the ball yes now tht would be the largest sporting event in the world!

P.S the redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels isnt tht hot.

Also i will now be following Argentina in the world cup in honor of their hots,

5:38 pm June, 11 Dicy said...

Why are the bags and hotts always in bathing suits? It seems like even when it’s cold out they manage to be by a pool. Is the a ‘bag colony on the equator where the db1 gets his material? Just a thought…

6:25 pm June, 11 Redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels said...

What the F, dudes? I told all you A-holes to stay the f*ck away from me–you got it? Don’t make me go all Shannon Price on your asses.

.

.

.

What? Too soon?

6:35 pm June, 11 Turdacious said...

@Bagnonymous 1:31

LOL

6:36 pm June, 11 Turdacious said...

@Bagnonymous 1:31

OOOPS sorry i thought you were kidding

6:42 pm June, 11 Turdacious said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels

Roses are red

Violets are blue

So are my balls

from looking at you

7:49 pm June, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Let’s try some more HTML:

7:49 pm June, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Heh ^ My favorite cartoon hot chick (although she’s only sixteen, shhh)

7:53 pm June, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Can anyone post photos and videos or is it something I can do as a moderator? I mean, I don’t want to abuse my power… (yeah that was a Disney, sorry, but it was Vanessa Doofenshmirtz )

8:12 pm June, 11 Douchelips said...

There are shirts that cost $1,000!? You HAVE to be a douchebag to spend that much money on a T-SHIRT.

.

Oh, and thanks for the soccer pear!

8:28 pm June, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Vin must have kids. That is the only cool cartoon in decades. Am I too old to watch it, yes, yes Iam.

8:31 pm June, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Agent P.?

9:58 pm June, 11 Steve L. said...

Asian hott in the middle does not approve of such crappy transliteration.

actually, she might, since she looks pretty bleethy.

10:01 pm June, 11 Steve L. said...

just learning that the creator of Jersey SHore is female made me throw up. not just a little. but a lot.

10:02 pm June, 11 Steve L. said...

damn you capitalization mistakes.

10:05 pm June, 11 Steve L. said...

Jizz Singer and Bro Fights would’ve been lethal if not for so many World Cup pears.

World Cup pears… drool drool slobber slobber…

11:01 pm June, 11 Wheezer said...

I just got home from work about a half-hour ago.

.

That means I just arrived.

.

Which also means I just came…..in the door.

.

.

.

.

.

Of course, I just came in my pants after gazing ‘pon the lovely ass pear photos!

.

.

Thanks Boss! You’re a damn good man, and I can’t for book #2! It should contain a bonus ass pear chapter.

11:01 pm June, 11 Wheezer said...

…..can’t wait***** for book #2! See, I’m all befuddled by booty!

11:33 pm June, 11 DarkSock said...

Scrotato is my new GayMance.

.

*We’ll always have Perez (Hilton), Baron…call me…*

3:51 am June, 12 Douche Springsteen said...

5 ass pear pics? I love you, DB1.

3:55 am June, 12 Douche Equis said...

Assuming once again the role of John Mayer defender, because I love the way it catapults me into fame and popularity on this site . . .

Mayer lets someone take a picture off his untoned, hairy stomach next to some guy who obviously _does_ work out (and unfortunately is GSRd) — a picture clearly intended to be a joke on Mayer himself — and that makes him a narcissistic preening douchebag? What am I missing? Or is the self-mock also douchey, in which case basically no matter what Mayer does he’s a douche? As Brian of Nazareth said, “What sort of chance does that give me?”

3:56 am June, 12 Douche Equis said...

“of”. I wish we could edit our posts.

4:47 am June, 12 Hermit said...

Dear redhead bikini hott with kickin’ tourquoise shoes and librarian hott glasses perched jauntily uponst your twenty-something head,

Roses are red

Voilets are green

I’d shove my throbbing man-meat so deep,

It might rupture your spleen

4:53 am June, 12 Hermit said...

Dear redhead bikini top, with daisy duke shorts which give me a boner,

Roses are red

Violets are nice,

Seconds after penetration,

My love juices would let loose, like an explosive device.

5:45 am June, 12 Euripidouche said...

roses are dead

blossoms in poo

swordfight over red

blondes need dick too!

5:45 am June, 12 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Damn, all this futbol ass pear and no NHL STANLEY CUP FINALS ASSPEAR!? What the fuck DB1???

5:48 am June, 12 Turdacious said...

Roses are Roses

Fushias are Fushia

What the fucks the matter with you

Being anywhere near these Douches

6:49 am June, 12 Turdacious said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels

Roses are red

Violets are blue

If i had more the 3 inches

Id split you in 2

6:51 am June, 12 Jarrett Bellini said...

Surely that shirt can’t cost $1,000! I would take it as a gift.

7:22 am June, 12 Turdacious said...

Roses are red

my soul is black

someone please delete the douches

including asian chick in the back

9:52 am June, 12 lucious lupus john thinks it is time to go to carnival, maybe even watch "black orpheus" a couple of timesto get in the flow of things said...

a lot of countries would do well if they only followed brazil’s example of how to properly present ass pear. it is shocking how far more advanced that country is in this technology.

10:40 am June, 12 Hermit said...

Dear Redhead bikiki hott with the deceiving “girl-next-door” look who turns into a rabid depraved filthy nymph when in the bedroom…..(I hope)

Roses sre red

Violets are from Venus

Your shapely tanned legs,

Cause blood vessel engorgement in my pulsating weenus.

11:31 am June, 12 DarkSock said...

My buds and I are starting a garage band and we’ve been looking for a name…

.

.

.

.

•<<<>>>•

11:41 am June, 12 Hermit said...

attn: Dark Sock

In the mid sixties I briefly played saxaphone in a Jazz band called “The Uncircumcised Cocktail Weenies.”

You’re welcome to us that, as all the members are now dead or serving life sentences in prison.

Hope that helps

11:42 am June, 12 Hermit said...

“use”

12:21 pm June, 12 Hermit said...

After the gig with UCW didn’t work out, several of the band members moved to East Los Angeles, working in gas stations and languishing in homeless shelters until the mid eighties. Addicted to crack, we quickly found ourselves wrapped up in LA street gangs.

We then formed another band called, “Gladys Night and the Crips.”

We tried to contact Gladys several times, hoping she could revive her career by fronting for our band, but she never returned our calls.

bitch

2:41 pm June, 12 WheezerHCwDB said...

I wanna 69 with Brazilian ass pear:

.

http://twitpic.com/1vx4za/full

4:22 pm June, 12 Turdacious said...

@Darksock

You can dress up like chicks and call your selves

Pretty Grim

7:13 pm June, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

In the case of John Mayer, he OUGHT to do a GSR with a drum-tum like that one, and send it to the GULF to clean up oil debris.

10:58 pm June, 12 Euripidouche said...

hermit, i ran into the same problem you had with gladys knight and the crips a few years ago…

i had the idea to set up an early jazz and folk revival band, but i wanted all the musicians playing behind me, to be broads, sort of saying how women were often shut out, or minimized in the early years of american music….

i thought it was quite the feminist statement, especially because all the ladies were accomplished popular musicians in their own right…

i didn’t realize “the Lilith fair ragtime band” would piss people off

6:30 am June, 13 DarkSock said...

I’m actually leaning towards…

.

.

•<<>>•

6:32 am June, 13 DarkSock said...

I mean…

.

.

((((–WEENUS–))))

6:37 am June, 13 DarkSock said...

Dear redheaded shorty-shorts bikini hott on the left in the kickin’ tourquoise heels: Ignore the other philandering phillistines and hear me:

.

Ignore all these fools;

They’re all over-reaching.

I have a chlorinated cockk

for your free anal bleaching.

.

.

Sex In The Titty,

.

D. Sockk

8:12 am June, 13 Turdacious said...

Red are Roses

White are Eggs

Man that asian chick

Has linebacker legs

5:51 pm June, 14 Coach said...

The Coach handbags

brand started over fifty years ago, in a small family run workshop. This original group of Coach Wristlet

artisans were fascinated with the leather characteristics of a baseball glove. Both the distinctive details of the glove’s design and the ability of the leather to become softer and supple with each catch, were employed in the creative concept behind the first Coach Ergo

. The tanned glove leather has become ingrained in the Coach Gallery

tradition.

4:13 pm June, 23 The real "red headed bikini bitch" said...

all your poems about me are simply inspirational. thanks.-____-

4:13 pm June, 23 The real "red headed bikini bitch" said...

p.s…. my hair isnt really red, more brown i’d say lol

12:54 pm September, 15 yogesh kumar said...

Seexyyy Hot Pic. I like it.

Leave a Reply

What is 5 + 11 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)