Friday, June 18, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

There’s a million stories in the naked city of Angels and devils.

Crooked cops like Buzz Meeks and Ed Exley are messing with the kids in the Ravine as they move in on Mickey Cohen’s traffic.

Bukowski wannabes hit the strip clubs and write stilted verse on cocktail napkins, while secretly hoping the job waiting tables at El Campadre will come through.

In-n-Out still only serves three items. But all three are delicious.

And your humble narrator sits on his veranda, feeds gnats to the venus flytrap, milks the alpacas, and gazes at the northern lights in wonder and appreciation for the gift of boobies. And of douche mock.

Here’s your links:

Archie Comics pulls out its long running HCwDB subtext and finally goes literal, in a bizarre tribute to The Jersey Shore.

2009 HCwDB Douchie Award winning Oldbag of the year, The Leatherbag, is still out there, still shirtless and creepy. Even on Halloween.

Speaking of gay, shirtless and creepy, The Three Bromingos dancing, drunk at 4am may be the funniest and gayest clip three ostensibly straight Jersey douchebags could make. Warning: No Hott counterbalance. Do not blame me for retinal scarring. Hilarious fistbumps occur at 1:23.

Denis Leary rants about douchebags with wool caps when it’s 90 degrees outside on last Friday’s Tonight Show. Sadly, the clip got taken down, but here’s June 6th’s wool cap wearing The Loft Pud comments thread (see Wedgie’s Brad Pitt reference and THEONETRUEDOUCHE and MC 900 Foot Douchebag on the wool cap when it’s hot out). Coincedence? Perhaps.

Continuing the DB1’s paranoid annoyance with so many comedians riffing in the HCwDB style, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will hand out the Douchebag of the Year Awards on Sunday on Spike. Look for HCwDB to introduce “Victory, The Insult Comic Alpaca” in a future post.

Note to Hollywood comedian types: HCwDB is not open source. Please try to remember that. If you wanna riff comedic in the HCwDB style, simply give my site credit. That’s all I ask.

Speaking of humor origins, via The Huffington Post, this brilliant sound test clip for Alfred Hitchcock’s “Blackmail,” in 1929 shows that Hitch invented the “that’s what she said” joke. “Stand this way, otherwise it will not come out right… as the girl said to the soldier” for the win.

Real punk is still alive in the form of one of the most legendary and underrated bands of all time, still touring today, The Dead Milkmen.

And, of course, their classic anthem, Punk Rock Girl. If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’ for the win.

Punk has always had humor, political satire and absurdist farce as the defining core of its performative anarchy. Never clothing or hair style. Understanding this concept is what separates the real from the bullshit.

Large Man goes to Club, takes hundreds of pictures with hot chicks, making exactly the same pose, becomes a douche through sheer dedication to craft.

Okay, it’s Friday. I know why you’re here. It’s not for my writing. It’s for Pear. And I’m feeling generous.

First up, the college life you didn’t experience: Peek-a-Pear!

Second, a flashback to 1980s blonde Christie Brinkley no-tatt hottness with Pear Supply.

And, finally, because I care, Posture Pear.

Feel the curves of a life well lived. Enjoy. Repose. And reflect. For the mock is complete for another week, and this is your reward.

# posted by douchebag1
12:40 pm June, 18 DarkSock said...

What the…?

.

http://www.hotchickswithbooks.com/

12:43 pm June, 18 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

.

.

.

I Love Posture Pear

.

.

.

**clicks off**

12:52 pm June, 18 chaserofthehott said...

F*ckin cop in the background. That one should be stricken from the site. Maybe not though because I think we should have a whole thread dedicated to douchebag cops. I know plenty it just may be hard to get them with pictures of hot chicks. Anyway, Posture Pear is the bomb, and thank you DarkSock for the link, Killer, truly killer…

12:54 pm June, 18 Baleen said...

The shifting dynamic between the three Bromigos and Peek-a-Pear is almost to much to bear. At one point I have a Ruger 44 in my mouth and the next thing you know, Peek-a-Pear and Jergens save my life. You scoundrel, DB1.

1:02 pm June, 18 ufo destroyers said...

I see London

I see France,

Some in the Peek-a-pear don’t have any underpants.

.

I also didn’t think tampons had pink strings.

1:02 pm June, 18 Deltus said...

Posture Pear cured my gout!

1:09 pm June, 18 Horace Dangleballs said...

Technically, Buzz Meeks only stole Mickey Cohen’s heroin. Dudley Smith stole it from and killed Meeks and tried to supplant the Mickster as the crime lord of LA. Sorry… I’ve been re-reading James Ellroy at the beach this week… the book is far superior to the movie — even though the flick was pretty damn good.

At least the cop in the Peek-a-Pear was smart enough to cover his face so whiny spoogegarglers couldn’t file a complaint on him.

1:16 pm June, 18 Bag Margera said...

Good to know the Dead Milkmen are still undead and milking.

1:18 pm June, 18 Bag Margera said...

@ Darksock

Thanks for the untainted supply of Librarian Hotts.

1:19 pm June, 18 Whoop-di-douche said...

Peek-a-Pear, now demz some real Ass-Wranglers!

1:19 pm June, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

What’s up with oldbag’s shoes? are those club kid shoes?

1:20 pm June, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Nice ass pear. Thanks for the guido dance DB1. I am not going to get my money’s worth at the all you can eat chinese buffet in Niagara Falls tonight. But I will be drunk before my next comment. Fuuck.

1:21 pm June, 18 Whoop-di-douche said...

Notice all those dark rooms with the Librarian Hotts, a fitting hangout for DarkSock.

Next thing we’ll have is Hotchickswithdresssox.

1:39 pm June, 18 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Librarian hots! Nice find. I hate cops. Particularly the Mounties and their stupid red coats and horses.

1:45 pm June, 18 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Suddenly, I want to eat a pear.

1:52 pm June, 18 Bagnonymous said...

We all know that you re-ran the link to Loft Pud just so we could get another glimpse of Amanda. And on behalf of (most of) the collective baghunters’ penises, I thank you for that.

1:55 pm June, 18 Bagnonymous said...

P.S. Touchdown Jesus died so that we may partake in the visual enjoyment that is Pear Supply. Hallelujah, praise the lord!

2:01 pm June, 18 Claude Douchenburg said...

I didn’t get to go to enough Peak-A-Pear parties in my day.

2:10 pm June, 18 Vin Douchal said...

That isn’t Christie Brinkley, trust me. I was fwapping to her before half of y’all were born.

.

.

If you’re not listening to Mojo Nixon on Sirius ch63 Outlaw Country you’re missing out on one of the best stations on the airwaves.

.

It’s like early WBCN in Boston got gang raped by Judge Holden and the Glanton Gang who happened to bring an electric guitar and Kelly Willis to sing background vocals. Jam On, Blues and the Mowtown channels are good , too.

And. No. F’ing. Commercials.

2:16 pm June, 18 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Found the Leary clip:

http://tv.popcrunch.com/denis-leary-tonight-show-jay-leno-talks-douchebags-video/

It’s the top video and he starts ranting about douchebags about 3 minutes in.

2:22 pm June, 18 Hong Kong Douchey said...

Meeks: “You really want to bring down douchebags?”

Exley: “With a wrecking ball. You wanna help me swing it?”

2:27 pm June, 18 Dicy said...

Hey friends! I’m back. Just caught up on all the posts I missed this week, and once again vomit for society yet there is hope in sweet Maria. A good week ended by good ass pear.

I spent this past week operating heavy machinery and taking pictures through a 0.9 meter telescope. In my spare time, I sat on the cat walk of a 2.1 meter telescope and gazed into the clouds of the Milky Way and had the epiphany that I will live my life for myself and no one else, except beer.

3:43 pm June, 18 P Showard Chunt said...

i peed in a nixon, once.

4:04 pm June, 18 Army of DOuche-ness said...

@ MC 900 Foot-

thanks a ton!!!! was lookignf or that myself.

I’m not going to lie, there’s a similar video of my old roommate and I doing something very similar at about that same hour although I was sober and he was smashed we were listneing to Gunther’s “Pleasureman” not Jersey hard house which is what started my idea of going as him for halloween…there was also a girl filming/giggling in the background and that was my girlfriend at the time…that being said, I cant “hate on” these guys for providing a girl with what I’d label self-mocking entertainment (though our video was more ironic and like Zohan-ish) to a girl who’s at least already willing to be in your home.

Posture Pear gace me one of those erections that just hurts, like you have a penis inside your penis trying to break out like the mouth of the Alien Queen in ALiens…

that Triumph clip wasnt even remotely funny, just awful.

Army of DOuche-ness

4:30 pm June, 18 luscious pear in thong squats on a john and plops a tiny charles neslon reiley nailed to a cross said...

i love books

i love hot chicks

i love hot chicks with books

7:42 pm June, 18 Stephanie said...

Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper records are cool,since you got a computer why haven’t you looked them up???? also Mojo Nixon is still making records as far as I know,but mostly doing radio…yeah,he is good on the radio too…I think you can go to XM radio and hear it online for a sample.

8:06 pm June, 18 Stephanie said...

Fake macho,fake blonde…next. Syl installs vinyl siding and Jill works down at the hair salon.

8:22 pm June, 18 luscious pear in thong squats on a john and plops a tiny charles neslon reiley nailed to a cross said...

you know the blonde has a 1-800 booty call phone number. the guy–he just found it on a bathroom wall, probably at the salon where he has his eyebrows waxed.

8:26 pm June, 18 luscious pear in thong squats on a john and plops a tiny charles neslon reiley nailed to a cross said...

yeah, i know, it isn’t funny. but the truth isn’t funny.

8:28 pm June, 18 luscious pear in thong squats on a john and plops a tiny charles neslon reiley nailed to a cross said...

but you know what is funny?

a video of three shirtless beefcakes

drunk on 40 jello shots

high on god knows what

maybe even involving poppers

dancing around to crap ass music at

4am

that, that is funny!

9:21 pm June, 18 Stephanie said...

3 bromingos = 3 monkeys dancing then they all fall into a pile and suck each other off. I like how they grab their own crotches and dance around. Wow,just wow. The youth of today…

9:37 pm June, 18 mr.reeve said...

I know almost no one cares but thank you Lakers for another championship. I made it back alive from a one night off the strip Las Vegas trip. Thank you DB1 for pear. I am hung over and drinking again so good night to all.

10:19 pm June, 18 Guid is Good said...

Who is doing Leatherbag’s interior decorating?

11:01 pm June, 18 WheezerHCwDB said...

I’m flustered I just looked over all the pear and the ass pear with books NSFW link and I’m all hot and bothered and am blowing off punctuation and Dicy returned to say she’s doing intelligent stuff and all this really makes me crazy…..and wild…..and ohhhhh…………………….

.

.

.

.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..

11:02 pm June, 18 WheezerHCwDB said...

OK, I think I found relief. Welcome back, Dicy! Glad you enjoyed your stargazing, and yes, you should live your life for yourself. Good on ya, cutie!

.

Just don’t bogart too many of DB1’s PBR’s…..

11:16 pm June, 18 Jaques Doucheteau said...

Nice one Vin. Though I noticed that Cristy was holding a camera in that pic. I was somewhat surprised that I’ve never seen it before, seeing as how often I frequent http://www.hotchickswithcameras.com.

11:28 pm June, 18 WheezerHCwDB said...

I enjoyed Denis Leary’s anti-douche rant, but yeah, if he got the ideas here, he should’ve offered up the source as did the lovely and delectable Elizabeth Banks (may be NSFW). On the same show.

.

But that link MC 900 Foot Douchebag provided also leads here if you’re so inclined to browse…..

11:47 pm June, 18 BreitlingWatches said...

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11:51 pm June, 18 WheezerHCwDB said...

I call shenanigans, buuuuut I thought y’all fellow hatters might like a look anyway.

.

And fuck Breitling spam, especially the “wachtes” link.

11:57 pm June, 18 WheezerHCwDB said...

Wait a cotton pickin’ minute…..it’s…..

.

.

.

.

Chik Richie?????

12:08 am June, 19 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

“Hooray for butts!”

– Abraham Lincoln 1863

12:16 am June, 19 Knucklestache Montgomerythigh said...

@DB1,

.

Alright, we get the fact that MTV won’t exactly ‘make it rain’ all up in yo’ club… but ‘baggah please… don’t resort to hawkin’ watches in the comments thread. Shit be hurtin’ yo’ street cred son. ‘Baggah gots to represent… knowu’msayun? Unless this am one o’ yo’ slick ‘baggah marketing schemes.

.

That be said, any o’ ya’lls know the link to Beitling? My beeyotch ain’t stole me a father’s day present yet. So fuck all ya’lls.

@stephanie

i took your advice, and that was freaky, it seems that my nom ‘d internet is suspiciously similar to the lyrics in a mojo nixon song. something about rumors of debbie gibson and spuds mckenzie in a motel.

the man was a visionary, whether or not the rumors about debbie gibson were true, and this many years later, really, who can say? it seems his envisioning of debbie g, was actually a blue print for the post-disney career of britney spears. i mean if you listen to that song, its almost like he had a vision, which spears fulfilled. even if you think maybe he exaggerated a little in his song about debbie g.

1:29 am June, 19 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

Ten minutes into listening to DM’s “Big Lizard in My Backyard” for the first time in 15 years I read Sir Louis’s post and momentarily questioned my agnosticism.

Then I recalled that “coincidence” was coined because the phenomenon is frequent.

1:41 am June, 19 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

I must admit, though, that my nerves are a bit frazzled, but slowly being soothed by the sounds of “Violent School.” To be followed by a song that would be intensely offensive to my uncle, if he weren’t so severely afflicted by Down’s Syndrome.

If he could vocalize his thoughts, I’m sure his offense would not rest in the song’s use of the word “retarded,” but in the suggestion that adults of any mental caliber would consent to a trip to the zoo, much less in a decrepit, public-school-hand-me-down bus.

3:09 am June, 19 spc said...

no photos, but this definitely needs a follow up

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/guy-ritchie-caught-with-computer-game-star-jacqui-ainsley/story-e6frfmqi-1225881263709

shes a babe, he’s a douche = HCwDB

7:33 am June, 19 mr.reeve said...

“3 bottles and 40 jello shots deep”? I thought jello shots were for getting girls drunk not for the bros to be bragging about having 40 of them on youtube. That comment was douchier and gayer then the video.

7:36 am June, 19 mr.reeve said...

Posture Pear makes up for the Gaybags dancing with their shirts off. I would like to serve her a salty vanilla malt. Thank you.

10:15 am June, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Jacqueline Bisset test

10:15 am June, 19 Douchble Helix said...

I made it through 1:43 of the 3 bromigos dancing. The fist pump at 1:23 was, indeed, awesome. But then I decided if I watched any more, maybe I was gay.

10:17 am June, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

One more try

10:18 am June, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

c’mon

10:23 am June, 19 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Dammit. I’m img src constipated.

10:55 am June, 19 Vin Douchal said...

.

Jeesus H Neeley those muscle cramp dudes dancing is the gayest fucking thing ever, Ever.

10:56 am June, 19 Vin Douchal said...

Jeesus H Neeley:

10:56 am June, 19 Vin Douchal said...

That’s twice, I quit….You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.

12:18 pm June, 19 Dicy said...

Aw, you missed me Wheezer!? That’s very heartwarming and arousing 😉

2:39 pm June, 19 Troy Tempest said...

I actually know Punk Rock Girl.

When she was young, they all lived in a group house as housemates with other roomates / students etc. He had a crush on her and wrote the song about her. Her name is Susan. She’s slender, about 5’4″, curly dark hair. Wears glasses. She has a son who went to school with my daughter a loong time ago. Susan’s totally sweet, kinda goofy and fun, and a really fine person. Last I heard she lived in San Francisco or thereabouts.

5:29 pm June, 19 Steve L. said...

punk may not be my first genre of choice, but it’s pretty close up there. go punk.

5:36 pm June, 19 Steve L. said...

hey you can still claim credit for open source work, especially if your name is Linus Torvalds.

it’ll just be hard though. plagiarism has a much longer history than the open source movement.

5:40 pm June, 19 Steve L. said...

the Bromingos should start up a comic series featuring themselves douching up hot chicks. then they can get laid! well… sort of.

and they can also take over the Archie comics niche that way.

5:41 pm June, 19 Steve L. said...

finally, this may not be the first triple pear Friday, but certainly the best one so far. m-hmm…

8:09 pm June, 19 John said...

Hey faggots, do u guys get bad luck? because ur faces must have broken mirrors ur so ugly haha, my face melts mirrors not because im ugly but because im so hot niggaa, shit was SO cash thanks for listening. I ALSO SUCK COCKK FOR FREE, TEE HEE…

pic related: its me and mah bitch http://tinyurl.com/38jckac

6:45 am June, 20 DarkSock said...

re: three bromigos

.

“I see gay people…walking around like regular people…they only see what they want to see…they don’t know they’re gay…”

7:46 am June, 20 Musicman said...

Can you actually make an insult comic alpaca, DB1? That would be sweet.

11:05 pm June, 20 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

All I know is, Samurai Scrote caused a severe infection in the Headles Horseman’s phantom sinuses.

11:06 pm June, 20 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

…and then he ate a bunch of tarantulas, farted in the direction of Egypt & made the Sphynx’s phantom nose itch.

1:09 pm June, 21 Karina said...

punk may not be my first genre of choice, but it’s pretty close up there. go punk.

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