Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

Hark! Your humble narrator is off. On the road, Dean Moriarity style. With a dash of P.J. O’Rourke. Headed for a sneak-attack covert ops mission to none other than Vegas this afternoon. Should get there by sunset.

A weekend of research for an upcoming project? Or an excuse to drink heavily away from the City of Angels in the Heart of Doucheness?

I cannot say.

But if I don’t make it back, know that I met my demise in the following manor: It was Swifferhead, in the library, with the Axe Bodyspray.

Here’s your well earned links:

Warning: Ubergay fistpumping ahead: The Guido Fistpumpers I linked to last week as The Three Bromingos, are still up to no good at 4am. Here’s take two. Richard Simmons just watched this and turned straight.

Yet more riffs in the HCwDB style: Piece of Shit Clothing on Funny or Die.

Speaking of ubergay fist pumping, Old School D.B. Ryan Seacrest is still pretending to be straight.

Greatest photo ever.

Justin Ross Lee’s Facebook photos self describe him as a ‘Jew Jetting Whore’ with ‘Mileage Score.’ Perhaps Stackhouse could hire him?

Academic studies continue to confirm that HCwDB is a social and cultural phenomenon grounded in genetic bias.

The scariest creature I’ve ever seen begins 1:28 into this YouTube Clip. Warning: Not for the faint of heart. “But I’d rather drink ‘em!” = your humble narrator’s sleepless and terrified irrational and primal night sweats.

And, off that creepy-ass commercial, what you’ve been waiting for, and it is quality.

BubblePearBath.

That single pear is plenty for this Friday. Its firm haunches and prime glutes sing the praises of a moral and just universe.

And so should you. For the weekend is upon.

# posted by douchebag1
12:49 pm June, 25 Lämp said...

**clicks on**

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I Love Bubble Bath Pear

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**clicks off**

1:04 pm June, 25 bcs said...

that thing in the grape juice commercial actually grew up to be a pretty normal young woman.

i just watched the three bromingos and i have to go shower now. with lye.

1:05 pm June, 25 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Much like Odessyeus, you would have to shackle me to the ship as we sail past the siren known as BubblePearBath. But if I manage to break free, don’t try to rescue me.

1:09 pm June, 25 Bag Margera said...

Hope everyone has a great weekend, while my city is invaded by the G-20.

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Here’s a video of a homeless guy running for mayor, giving us a first hand look of the area, before your president showed up.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUg8pnD1UrU

1:10 pm June, 25 Bagnonymous said...

I must go to this magical “Candyland” place where Four Prong frolics–for it is a bountiful land of majestic maidens.

1:15 pm June, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I would floss my teeth with one of Plinky’s Mom’s used tampons for the remote chance of having one of the bubbles that gently tickled Bubble Bath Pear’s fuzzy neathers only to burst and become a soft sheen upon her golden skin before being washed down the drain and recycled time and time again before ending up as part of the urine droplets splashed up on the toilet seat in my executive washroom by some other tool just before I sat down to read the funny pages.

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I was going somewhere with that but my fingers are still slippery from the Jergens.

1:17 pm June, 25 Baleen said...

While I abhor violence against children, I’ll make an exception by looking the other way if someone threw that kid off a bridge.

1:18 pm June, 25 Baleen said...

^ re the grape juice ad. Duh…

1:19 pm June, 25 Bagnonymous said...

I would just like to go on record and say that Julianne Hough is the sexiest goddamn beard I have ever seen.

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That is all.

1:50 pm June, 25 boatbutter said...

This playing in the background is all that makes this photo bearable.

That, and the cold can of Busch Light at my desk.

1:54 pm June, 25 Vin Douchal said...

Shit, I’d pretend to be an Algerian gorilla trainer to be able to sniff Julianne Hough’s first ballet teacher’s slippers after an Écarté though a cowpie patch

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I’d love to see one those Guido Fistpumping moonbats twist an ankle mid-spin and land face first into a mid-swing fist pumping. That YouTube would get more hits than a Fergie nipple slip in a live Black Eyed Peas video with me personally contributing about 1,298,234 hits

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After watching the Three Bromigos, Boston Mayor “Mumbles” Merino stated: You’ll See Four Case Of Dumping

2:04 pm June, 25 Vin Douchal said...

What’s with Seacrest, anyway? He has a problem admitting that he’s banging this sweet thang ?

2:10 pm June, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Thanks boss for the outstanding day of mocking and rhyming. I’m going to think twice before I go toe-to-toe with Bag Margera again (check out his alliteration – epic!). I’m off for a weekend of pergola construction. Don’t ask. Let’s just say it’s going to make Mrs. Scrotato Head very happy; and that makes Mr. Scrotato Head and Mini Scrotato Head very happy.

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I’m leaving with my ode to Plinky’s Mom. A lot’s been said about the woman. A lot more needs saying.

To the tune of Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne.

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Plinky’s Mom

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Plinky’s Mom goes on and on and on

Plinky’s Mom goes on and on and on

Plinky’s Mom goes on and on and on

Plinky’s Mom goes on and on and on

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Plinky can I come over after school

We can count the corn cobs in your mom’s stool

Does she still hide hobos in her outer lips?

Does she want to play a round of “Just hide the tip”?

You know I’m not the normal boy that I used to be

I’m all f*cked up now Plinky just kill me

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Plinky’s Mom is so gargantuan

Inside her hole there’s a Ford parked on the lawn

Plinky just serve me with beans and fine keyanti

They found the Necronomicon, locked away in Plinky’s Mom

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Plinky’s Mom would ass-f*ck Ghengis Khan

Gum his tea bag, put a Roman helmet on

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Plinky do you remember when I boned your mom?

I went in with just a HAZMAT suit on

I could tell she liked it she was wet and hot

From the steel cage match I had against her g spot

Now I’m not saying that your mom has a gapping womb

But Bear Grillz killed a Sasquatch in her Narnian catacombs

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Plinky’s Mom looks just like Elton John

If Elton John was a leprous mastodon

Plinky just told me she’s got every STD

They tested atom bombs deep inside of Plinky’s Mom

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Plinky’s Mom is full of jelly dongs

Michael J Fox is her human Cybian

Plinky have pity and send out a search party

If I’m away too long, lost inside of Plinky’s Mom

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I’m inside of….

I’m inside of Plinky’s Mom

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Plinky grab ahold of each marbled belly fold

I know I won’t last long when I’m inside of Plinky’s Mom.

2:19 pm June, 25 Crucial Head said...

Leprous Mastadon…

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L to tha O to tha L.

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Awesome death metal name.

2:22 pm June, 25 Crucial Head said...

It’s always a good week when an old ‘baghunter returns. Hope the new daddy, BCS, sticks around for a bit. Just lay off on the links will ya? Heh.

2:33 pm June, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That Hough chick is all kings of perfect. Buy she fucled Dane Cook, The Kings of Leon douche, a bad country singer, and gay Ryan Seacrest. She’s is poison to the Rev. Unlkess she comes to my church this weekend. And by church I mean Everclear and Rohipnol and Il inspect for sores before she felates my Jesus sized cocck. Baby Jesus’ cocck that is.

2:36 pm June, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^ kinds of perfect…fucked Dane Cook….I’ll. Fuccking Everclear in the afternoon is never a good idea especially as a drinking game.

2:38 pm June, 25 bcs said...

@reverend lmao @jesus sized cock. the gigantic touchdown jesus in my state didn’t have a cock, i think that’s why god doth smite it.

@Vin whoah! you can embed pictures now? MUHAHAHA

just kidding boss. i’ll behave db1

2:39 pm June, 25 bcs said...

@Crucial yea i’ll be here more often now. Me and the Misses are splitsville. bcs will soon be a single man. and my wife will still be a drunken cunt.

2:41 pm June, 25 bcs said...

But Bear Grillz killed a Sasquatch in her Narnian catacombs? jesus christ scrotato

2:43 pm June, 25 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@BCS^

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Sorry to hear about the split. Hope its for the best for everyone involved. If not, that totally sucks.

2:53 pm June, 25 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr S. Head

.

Thanks for that . Now I’ve got the visual of Don Rickles with dirty fingernails diddling then pummelfucking Totie Fields on a Grand Canyon picnic table while a poor Yeti witnesses it and has to power boot his latest meal of dead squirrel while trying to keep his balance against a red rock floating around my twisted brain. Fucker

3:04 pm June, 25 Steve L. said...

get RIchard Simmons and Ryan Seacrest together and see if they can still remain straight.

3:06 pm June, 25 Steve L. said...

@ Vin Douchal 2:04 PM,

the less i know about Ryan Seacrest, the better.

3:10 pm June, 25 ToddJerad said...

Yo DB1, are you paying four prong to constantly pose with lingerie clad hotties? Either four prong is the most important person in the world or scissors like a true champ in the sack.

3:11 pm June, 25 Vin Douchal said...

HEY ! It’s BCS , welcome back … Where’s the webpage with the spinny thing that soothes the soul and loosens the bowels?

3:16 pm June, 25 DarkSock said...

Fuckled Dane Cook?

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Fuckle.

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Best new word since “PipeFarter”.

3:16 pm June, 25 DarkSock said...

I expect an episode of “My Drunk Ex-Wife” stat.

4:12 pm June, 25 massengill said...

@ BCS

I live about 10 minutes down the highway from what was once Big Butter Jesus. I wished that had made him more Colossus of Rhodes-like, straddling I-75, and it seems that now the Solid Rock Church has the chance to make things right.

‘Cause you know they’re fucking rebuilding that shit.

4:13 pm June, 25 massengill said...

Excuse me…”Solid Rockk Church…”

5:27 pm June, 25 Douchie Howser M.D. said...

@ boatbutter

Cobain didn’t write “Lake of Fire,” I’ve learned; thanks for the introduction to Meat Puppets. Twenty years later is better than never.

5:34 pm June, 25 The Right Honorable Member for, The Very Reverend Mother Her Duchal Serene Highness, Dr, Hortense Sussudio Fuckerfaster said said...

the welch’s girl would tear your dick off and dump a who cannister of salt on the stub.

but i wonder what the little girl in the chloroseptic ads grew up to look like….

“it’ll hurt if i swallow, mooommmmmmeeeee!”

5:42 pm June, 25 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Justin Ross Lee is actually justification for the Holocaust.

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What? Too soon?

5:51 pm June, 25 Douchble Helix said...

IMHO, it’s still ‘too soon’ for Holocaust jokes.

But that guy should be shot.

6:12 pm June, 25 Dicy said...

Eeeew fist pumping bromigos, wtf was that?

Mmmm bubble bath pear. Put Medusa in that tub too and Dicy would be one happy girl.

6:24 pm June, 25 Bagnonymous said...

@ Vin D: My raging boner and I thank you for the Julianne pic.

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@ Scrotato: …Narnian catacombs… is a definite crowd-pleaser.

6:34 pm June, 25 boatbutter said...

@ Duchie

Indeed! Check out “II” and “Up on the Sun.”

6:48 pm June, 25 lucious lupus john thinks the haircut looks kind of french said...

like a french tickler

9:31 pm June, 25 Fatness said...

“Put Medusa in that tub too and Dicy would be one happy girl.”

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Methinks putting Medusa and Dicy in that tub would make Dicy downright giddy…

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Speaking of which, where the hell is she?

11:15 pm June, 25 Whoop-di-douche said...

Hmmmm. BubblePearBath reminds me of a gal named Clarice I once knew, from Lakeview, Texas.

Just sayin’.

12:33 am June, 26 bcs said...

@massengil that’s so funny you know his name was big butter jesus, although i’m sorry you live so close to Him. that’s a scary stretch of existence, the dayton-cinci area

7:47 am June, 26 Anti-Bag said...

Why didn’t you warn us, DB1? After looking at “JewJettingWhore’s” pics, I now have an irresistible need to go punch kittens.

8:33 am June, 26 Et Tu Douche? said...

Please DB1 no more three bromingos, the song on that video was stuck in my head all night and I’m very cranky this morning due to that.

@ToddJerad

Four prong is a harmless gay-bag who i happen to believe is some sort of club promoter. The girl love posing with him because he has some sort of clout and they don’t have to worry about him trying to get into their pants

9:03 am June, 26 creature said...

Four Prongs must spend all his expendable income on ladies of the pole… almost makes up for his ridiculous coif

I too like the term ‘Fucle’…. hope the Rev Kroeger can work it into a sermon

thanx bcs for the burning jeebus… regretably lookin’ forward to more of your links, you know I can’t lay off ‘em

fine ode to Plinky’s mom Scrotato made me want to wash done some beans with a fine keyanti…. maybe this’ll summon Plinky back for a scathing rebuttal

btw, bears hibernate in Plinky’s mom’s cooch… Papa, Mamma, & Baby bear…. & they’re mowin’ down on Goldielocks

9:06 am June, 26 creature said...

also thnx to boatbutter for the Meat Puppets… however they look way older than the kids I saw play at McCabes back in the day… guess I do too!

10:55 am June, 26 massengill said...

@ bcs

Ah, I’m sure Cinci isn’t any scarier than the old Mistake on the Lake.

My favorite of the JRL pics. I like that one because the dude in the middle is like a studly rockerbag and JRL looks like a dandy little fop.

11:56 am June, 26 Deltus said...

Bubble Bath Pear is one of the things that keeps me going. When you see shit go down that makes you think we, as a species, just don’t deserve to make it, I can look at something like BBP and know, KNOW, that there is a God and She wants us to be happy.

2:23 pm June, 26 Whoop-di-douche said...

After I watch a Guido dance video, I have the feeling I’ve been

a) watching boxers warm up with a jump rope for a prize fight.

b) confronted by several Bonobo apes in a masturbatory frenzy.

c) witness to a secret workout by dishonoraby discharged Marines seeking to discharge themselves.

d) doped up on Valium by Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder fruitcakes on steroids.

3:17 pm June, 27 tall guy said...

Well boys’n’girls i’ve just returned from visiting family interstate. I drove all night and have a busy day ahead of me today. However first things first and bubble pear is all that I could ask for after my motoring. A nice, big – but not too big – shapely arse. God bless her.

3:17 pm June, 27 tall guy said...

Also, bloody four prong. Hasn’t someone put him out to lunch yet?

7:30 pm June, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Dicy 6:12

If by ‘happy’ you mean ‘flopped on the floor tile in a quivering, sudsy, postorgasmic frenzy’, yes, you are correct. I now have a tubbytime vibrator and I’m not afraid ta use it. That, and I have a rubber ducky collection and they like to watch.

@ Boatbutter 1:50

I don’t know where you dug that up. But for doing so, you are invited into the Dicy tub for the Rubber Ducky party. Bring lube.

@ Douchie Howser: Welcome to the club. Normally when a band morphs and mellows from a hardcore punky kinda thing into a jangly folky kinda thing I lose interest. I think they just got better and better as they progressed away from their roots. Fuck Yes. And that Nirvana version of Lake Of Fire makes me want to shove bamboo skewers into my eyes.

@ Fatness 9:31

I’m in and out. Huh huh. It’s been complex as of late. At work I’m actually doing work and I’m scrambling to get the house done and move in before I get booted out of my apartment. I wish I was doing nice stuff like picking out linens. But I’m doing shit like trying to stop the ceilings from falling in on my head and stem the daily floods in the basement. Things will level out soon and I’ll be in here bringing the cunt like before.

@ bcs–sorry, man. Divorce, at best, is uncomfortable. I hope it’s as un-torturous as possible. Alcohol always makes it worse. Mr. Oblongata was a drunken cunt, too. I feel for ya man. And by feel for ya I mean send me naked pics of you so I can see if you’re in good enough shape to get back out in the dating pool.

12:39 am June, 28 bcs said...

@medusa…sending pics…now =)

7:03 am June, 28 Veni, Vidi, Douchey said...

As you say DB1, “Yet more riffs in the HCwDB style”, in this case photos only, over at ‘The Berry':

http://theberry.com/2010/06/28/these-d-bags-take-the-cake-18-photos/

What the heck is going on in the 5th photo . . ?

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