Thursday, June 3, 2010

HCwDB of the Week: The Sharkbag and Renee

A tough Weekly but the Shark was too much of a douchebag killing machine to let pass, and, as I said before, Renee is slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, with boobies. Plus, there’s Sharkbag and Trampy Hott. And, in a post-vote bid to influence the contest, The Sharkbag Revealed His Goose.

That’s alotta douche. The voters speak:

I R A Darth Aggie: I’m going to go with Sharkbag FTW. Mostly for his spikey hair, and overly-inked arms, but partially for the quality of HOTT in his lair.

Not to say that Starblazer and Yaz aren’t worthy competitors, they are. And I’d like to rescue Astra and Mocha from their douchey clutches. But they may be too far bleeth to be saved.

Douchble Helix: Whoever the engineers are that put together Renee’s mammary support garment need to get their asses down to the Gulf, pronto! They’re our only hope!

Douchelips: The Sharkbag and Reene FTW. The douchiest hair, some tasty boobs…what more could you want? Plus his run of other pics and poses edges out the Starblazer’s standard ‘bag gestures and poses.

Douce Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: Sharkbag and his buffet of hotts. His ladies are delectably pleasing for the fwopping and by the time the results are in, I will need him to clean out my toilet after my digestive track works through the various charred meats, massive amounts of alcoholic beverages and dignity of a few hotts I managed to consume over the three day weekend.

Douche Dastardly: I have to go with Shark on this one because of the late arrival of the Goose pic. WTF! Grey Goose fellatio is punishable by death in Singapore and rightfully so. Because sometimes a caning just isn’t enough sometimes. I think Shark is a mega douche on the rise the likes of which we may never see again. Keep an eye out I think this young man. His douche career is just beginning. As for Renee she is slutty boobalicious motorboating lacy goodness.Yum

soy bomb: I’m going with Sharkbag and Renee for the win though. Renee is in heavy rotation in the (rather extensive) roster of Hotties I Will Never Obtain Yet Can Still Find Some Kind of Twisted Solace in the Fact That I Can Beat Off to Thoughts of Them Anytime I Want (HIWNOYCSFSKoTSitFtICBOtToTAIW). Renee is NSFW. Each picture of her with Sharkbag is more devastating than the last.

Et Tu Douche: The Sharkbag and Renee FTW, His narcissism knows no bounds and for me that is a major signifier of douchiness. Renee slutty/hott is the type of girl when you first see her, an by her I mean those luscious naturals, the first thing your inner monologue udders (freudian slip) I meant utters is “I bet she shags like a minx” and I bet you she does. They represent the HCwDB ideology well.

Whoop-di-douche: Sharkbag and Renee for the weekly win, for who can pose such a visual grip of douchebag and hotchick? He’s sheer arsenic to the eyes, and her mammaries would look great in any old lace and a lot less.

ever present anonymous: Sharkbag for the loss and Renee and her quality boobage for the win.

Justin: Yup….it’s all about Renee. Sharkbag is begging to have his head cut off with that ridiculous ‘do, but Renee is really the fuel to kick this weekly win into gear. She is fantastic, pure sex on wheels. I would stumble drunkenly through Iquitos, Peru, just to find a toothpick she once used and dropped into the Amazon River hundreds of miles upstream in Brazil the summer before. I love you Renee… why won’t you pick up the phone?

Smackdouche: Sharkbag based solely on the sheer time and effort that it must take to pull off such a douchy look.

Deltus: His stupid tribal full-arm tatts, his full-on douche-hawk, and most importantly his undeserved and side-kick-directly-to-the-face-worthy sneer put him over the top, douchewise. Renee is everything that is lustworthy in my universe, and I would probably ejaculate in my pants if she so much as breathed on me, and she knows it. And I hate her and love her and want her for it.

curbyourendouchiasm: New to our list sharkbag brings: A chick who has defiled cat in the hat–she has Sam of green eggs and ham fame tattooed below her navel, right above her, well you know.

Jacques Doucheteau: Renee marries Cartesian dualism and post-socratic monism into one beautiful, lacy white theory of existence.

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Sharkbag FTW. Seriously, that hair defies logic. Not only that, but the Hot Topic belt (on sale for 24.99) and Renee’s quality hott in opposition to his rampaging doucheosity make this a truly fwap/barf-worthy entry (respectively).

dbBen: Sharkbag. Because he tells people he can play guitar. And while it’s kind of true, he can really only play part of “Working Man”…but he skips the bridges and completely side-steps the solos….and his timing is totally messed up. Ok, really it’s just the slow part. But he can totally kill “More Human than Human”

Ed Hardouche: I gotta go with Sharkbag n Renee this week. Biggest ration of douche to hott, but upon closer inspection, the gauge ear expansion that sharktard is working, reminds me of guys i used to plug while I was in prison.

Wheezer: what clinches the Weekly for The Shark is that dorkal fin. Washing out the poo gel would leave him only the Shemp look, so he is dedicated to looking like chum. So smile, you son of a bitch…..and you’re gonna need a bigger boat to hold Renee’s lovely lace boobies.

Douchey Lewis and the News: The Sharkbag and Renee ftw. That guy is a huge putz. Like dad always said, “anything worth doing is worth doing horribly, horribly douchey”

Cheesesock: I have to go with the Sharkbag and Renee on this one. The Sharkbag is all that is dried-semen-hair-styling evil Stage 4 douche. The Mo’ pushes him into uberchoad territory, while Renee (who looks as if she is dangerously close to Bleethood) reminds us all of the price one pays when exposed to such rampant and high-potency doucheosity.

End the Haberdouchery: Shark and Renee get my vote. Renee could carry a weekly herself, along with her massive sweater stretchers. Combine that with The Shark, who sports sleeve tatts and a mohawk like it’s employable anywhere but a skate shop, and you’ve got a winner.

RAPETIME: The Sharkbag reminds me of the immortal quote from the philosopher Scroteres: “The unexamined life is not worth being allowed to live, especially when it does shit like that to its fuccen hair. Where’s my gun?”

Tony Ventresca: Sharkbag for the win, although you know he smooths that mohawk down for his office assistant job on Monday.

Excellent mock from the real A-Team, great work to all. It was a Sharkpocalypse. The giant ‘mo and annoying party sneer, matched by the quality of boozy hott Renee, was just too strong a hottie/douchey cohabit to overcome. Coming in a surprising second with solid support, The Unisex Yaz Dangler’s bar douche and hipster hott Mocha:

Crucial Head: They won’t win, but I’m voting for Yaz and Mocha. Mostly because Mocha is the hottest chick by a long shot. She pedals my wheelhouse. Those pouting puppy dog eyes; the unblemished complexion; supple, natural bosoms; and the raven’s hair untarnished by follicle-frying bleach… yup, she’s right up my alley. And I would like to rock her billy and park my hot throbbing rod up her alley.

Scottsdale Chad: Yaz. Normally, a fully erect, 48-inch ‘hawk is the equivalent of several ancillary douchessories, but like the Allies at Normandy, Yaz overwhelms his opponents with shear numbers. I count six carefully chosen and crafted identifiers from the neck up alone. And “Can You Hear Me Now” glasses will always be a tie-breaker in my book.

Sloppy Joe: Mocha has her blackberry tucked into her C-cups. I’d like to extend her service plan and give her more minutes.

Vin Douchal: She’s the gal your mother warned you about: innocent eyes, understated beauty, tatts/piercings that can be overlooked and a heartbreak to place you on the sofa in your robe for a week eating nothing but Swanson salsbury steak dinners and drinking Kroger generic brand Vodka when she kicks you to the curb for the next guy, most likely this douchebag pictured. GAH!

bigphatnotadouche: The piecing eyes of Mocha do it for me. The tats are first rate and excellant boobies. The hipster douche was even out tatted by Mocha.

Scroto Baggins: I vote Yaz, but only because Mocha is HoH material.

Mockiavelli: Mocha’s eyes haunt me more deeply than my career choices. She must return the nose piercing to the tackle box, and keep bartending at the Marriott until she saves enough money to laser off that ugly tatt. Only then can she meet Brad, the Regional Finance Manager from the Houston office, leaving her baggin’ days behind for PTA meetings and bake sales.

Mocha should be up for a 2010 Douchie in one of the Hott categories at the rate her curves are inspiring so many to wax poetic on the bar tatt tip. And in a surprising third place finish, the anime power of The Star Blazer and Astra:

doucheywallnuts: Starblazer and Astra FTW. If he can be considered a Smoot protege he must get the nod, plus he’s rockin’ all the de rigeur douchebag accessories, including a hott bleeth who is worthy of the highest level of suckle, fondle-edge.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: Very tough week. But I’ll have to go with Starblazer, even though the only cleavage featured in the pic is his own. Astra is lovely (even if uber-high maintenance). He’s a narcissistic assclown from hell. And he convinced Smoot to come out of retirement. For that he must pay.

Ol Dirty Douchebag: Astra is that unobtainable hott exchange student from Iceland who always gave you mixed signals. If mixed signals meant that one smile passing in the hallway equaled two thousand ‘ignoring your very existence’ stare-throughs.

Chris in ‘Baghdad: The Sharkbag will attract a lot of votes because he makes people want to beat him with a dead cat, but the Starblazer and Astra are extra special. Starblazer apparently had the foresight to have “Pestilence” tatted on his belly, and Astra sets my Norwegian blood to boiling. And Starblazer’s little swallows look like flying rats… he throws that in for free.

mr.reeve: Starblazer the Peter Gazer FTW. This pic reminds me of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” mixed with douche and hot. I bet it smells like stripper candy spray and Axe in that room.

The Blessed Scrotini: Starblazer gets my vote. Resistance? Resistance to what? Appearing to not be a complete douchewank? Not wearing Axe whenever possible? Adding another star on teacher’s board? When you find out what lemme know…

I’m shocked the Blazers’ douchey tatt reveal and the hottness of Astra didn’t finish higher. But perhaps their generic douchey/hottie traits cost them on style points. As this week is pure Jawsian Sharkhead. Lets let Baron Von Goolo take us home:

The Sharkbag and Renee ftw. For the record, I have no animosity towards Sharkbag. There is something about this remarkably angular lad that makes me think he’s the genuine article. He’s not pumping or preening or inking to be a part of a movement. It’s all him. Hence the actual commitment to an attention-getting coiffure as opposed to a fauxhawk or some other crispy relic of half-baked armchair douchery. Hence the Burgess Meredith’s Penguin meets George Peppard’s Hannibal toothy chomp on a cigarillo. In a holder. Hence my desire to see this spectacular man-cockatiel enshrined in the Hall of Scrote not because I hate him, but because I want a link to him handy at all times so that a good giggle is only a click away. Douchey? Oh sure, I suppose. But his spectacle wins. Plus, Renee is so smoking I want to hang hams over her bed.

Indeed and good work BvG. The ‘bag hunters and huntresses in the thread brought their quality mock, and the Shark is a worthy douche-winner, and Renee is boob. Chalk them up as the first entrant in our next HCwDB of the Month, as your humble narrator prepares to leave his beloved NYC and fly back to the city of Angels later today.

# posted by douchebag1
7:45 am June, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Surpise second place for my votee. And by second place I mean smelly hipsterbags. But I will have some Mochachino any day.

8:08 am June, 3 Deltus said...

Patricia is so skanky goats would refuse to eat her out.

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Oh, sorry, wrong post. Sharkbag, or rather Renee, was a sure thing. The combo of poo and boob was too potent.

8:38 am June, 3 Justin said...

I’m liking this guy for the yearly. And by “liking” I mean steel-toed boot to the chest.

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Anybody have any steel-toed boots?’

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In addition, Sharkbag’s hott is far superior to any of Stackhouse’s hotts, or any combination of Stackhouse’s hotts best parts. Get it? GET SOME. Go Sharky for the yearly!

9:10 am June, 3 doucheywallnuts said...

I am always willing to kneel of the great douchebag mockers who populate the site, as I am still just a humble neophyte who has much to learn. However, I must say that I am afraid that the quality of hotts pulled in by a fucking loser of any definition will start to be mistakenly defined as being a douchebag. There are many abhorrent style choices out there and there are bleeths and hotts who are attracted to all these types – surfers, rockers, prepps, frats, etc. However, just because a guy attracts chicks thanks to his freakish appearance does not make him a de facto douche…I’m just sayin’…

9:13 am June, 3 Big Larry said...

Definitely taking this home to Mommy….No not Butt Munch Boy…the skanky hose hounds with their tawdry doilies wrapped cleverly around their nicest plastic parts…

Lay the plastic down on the furniture Momma cause your little boy wants to bring home some beautiful trampens to vile your moral sanctuary…The plastic is for your protection; so the Herpes wouldn’t seep into your newly reupholstered cushions….

Make sure they don’t use the toilet seat after me as my seed may find purchase in their fertile soil…

9:45 am June, 3 Chevy Doucherado said...

Wallnuts

You are right that a loser pulling hotts does not a douche make.

But fer chissakes – did you see the “Goose Blowjob” pic? That guesture alone marks him. Let alone the sneer, tats, dog tags and of course his fucking hair.

This guy is a massive douche. No doubt. He’s not Gator. But he could hold his own against Smoot in a douche-off.

10:58 am June, 3 'Blazer said...

Third place, bitches?

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Did you check my tatts? My 10 year old niece picked those out. Her school bus is about half as long as a normal one. That means she’s gifted.

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