Thursday, June 3, 2010

Maria Gets Fondled at Coney Island

Oh, Maria. Must you let Nathan try to poke you with his hotdog on the boardwalk during this post Memorial Day transition into summer’s muggy evenings?

Must you indulge this suburban wigga’s faux “badass” boob grab? His rubbing up uponst your hindquarters like a cracked up sheepdog on Xanax?

His tatts may say “rebel,” but his pay stub says “night shift at Carl’s Jr.”

Please stop letting him fondle.

# posted by douchebag1
12:59 pm June, 3 Ol Dirty Douchebag said...

Between this whackjob and Mitch, today is Hot Chicks with Freakshows. This reeks of euro-stench. Or Brighton Beach. Kind of the same anyway.

1:00 pm June, 3 End the Haberdouchery said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Megan Fox.

1:05 pm June, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

STD’s

1:15 pm June, 3 Bagnonymous said...

I’d put my beef frank betwixt her boobs and call it my “Coney Special.” Then I’d slap him across the face with it and leave a mushroom tattoo…

1:16 pm June, 3 Bagnonymous said...

^ Blatant violence is generally frowned upon–but, penile hostility? Still funny.

1:19 pm June, 3 Crucial Head said...

This is why you never fashion a headband out of a freshly pressed copy of the Sunday Comics.

1:21 pm June, 3 Crucial Head said...

Sherman Beauregard McWonderbread.

.

Known also on the streets by his tagging moniker “P.A.,” or “Peewee Asswipe” – Feared leader of Brentwood’s notorious chapter of the MS-13*.

.

.

*MS-13: Multiple Sclerosis, 13 months to live.

1:22 pm June, 3 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Her sunglasses are larger than Patricias sink-hole.

1:25 pm June, 3 E-blo's Last Thought said...

When someone has the level self-awareness to tattoo “FAILURE” on their forehead, I’m going to consider myself lucky and just move to the side.

1:28 pm June, 3 scrotum pole said...

This Bleeth and douche enjoy their last moments of fun, as the silent, but deadly hand of Buffalo Beast, (posing as a Coney Island amusement ride inspector,) can be seen plotting his next move.

1:31 pm June, 3 nikkolai said...

This DB is particularly offensive. I don’t think dude could get hired at Carl’s Jr.

1:31 pm June, 3 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

This is a guy that I would laugh at, then throw him out of our shop, card his 13 year old cousin…er…girlfriend, then steal her sunglasses, ’cause I need a new windshield for my ’74 Gremlin.

1:36 pm June, 3 Vin Douchal said...

Nate looks like he got horribly burned in an industrial accident and the doctors grafted/plastered a cadaver’s skin willy-nilly all over the burned area.

The cadaver was Michael “Bombshell” McGee

1:38 pm June, 3 Vin Douchal said...

She’s really , really, really, really , REALLY, really mad at her parents

He’s really , really, really, really , REALLY, really ugly. Yuck

1:39 pm June, 3 ehcuodouche said...

Tattbags differ from regular douchebags in that they get tatts on parts of the body that would be off limits to anyone valuable enough in the labor force to worry about it affecting their job status at any point in the future, particularly if the effects of age render the tatt unrecognizable to the layman.

They’re only acceptable if you’re endorsing a product (e.g. a “Fritos” tattoo on the forehead), and even then any non-Bleethed hot should see the cancelled checks before getting anywhere near.

Alas for Maria.

1:39 pm June, 3 Cockspray Facefull said...

Niiiice HTML skills ^ fuckface

1:47 pm June, 3 dewshey oxburger said...

I dunno, he seems like a decent enough guy…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

psych!

1:52 pm June, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She looks White Castle to me and likes the Sliders. I think she had a Carl’s injected in her lips.

1:54 pm June, 3 Turdacious said...

He looks like the shit my nephew took after eating a 64 pack of crayons

2:03 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Jimmy Swaggart.

2:04 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Pamela Anderson’s vulva.

2:04 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Snooki’s hymen.

2:05 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than DarkSock: Nocturnal Speed Boat Captain.

2:06 pm June, 3 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Ok, arm tatts are mediocre, but meh I got two full sleeves as well….it’s his fuccen BALD ASS HEAD TATTOO…that makes him uber-douche.I mean…’Faith’ really? Might as well say, ‘Fucked’. He’s the kind of dumb ass that comes into the shop and asks for the same tattoos that have been asked for over a million times, and still thinks they’re funny and original.

Like, eyes in the back of his head, ‘your name’ on his ass, the ever ubiquitous rooster hanging below the knees so you can say ‘my cock hangs below my knees’, and the ‘USDA’ stamp on your ass, or the lip prints on your ass….

…the list goes on.

This shit is indeed old people, cheesy, played out, and no longer funny. Please, for the love of Lamp STOP asking us tattoo artists about these fuccen retarded pieces…yes, we’ve heard them all.

Now if you’d like a bloody tampon that says “Bite, Pull, and Fling” I’ll totally give you a pass.

oh and FUCK FISH SLAP!

2:06 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than a blinded Lance Bass at a Bratwurst cook-off.

2:07 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Amy Winehouse with a crack crystal dildo.

2:08 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Dave Chapelle with a $50 million Comedy Central contract.

2:11 pm June, 3 Turdacious said...

that girl makes worse decisions then my nephew

2:13 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

Beyond, Buffalo Beast lounges against a guard rail, blissfully unaware of the lesson he was about to learn about the highly adhesive nature of donkey jizz.

2:13 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

He’s got more ink than an NFL player’s rap sheet.

2:29 pm June, 3 Douche Equis said...

Am I looking at a different photo than that which the writeup describes? I see neither a boob grab nor a hindquarter rub-up, much less a hotdog poke attempt, unless the writer refers to the inevitable one from later on that evening.

If anything, Chumpy seems to be attempting to keep himself from looking down into the Valley of Pleasure in search of cleavite, possibly in a belated attempt to reform his wayward ways and give the lie to his tatts, his look, indeed his entire persona. Probably not though.

2:45 pm June, 3 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Ma’am, put down the sunglasses and step away from the douche.

2:54 pm June, 3 DarkSock said...

That girl makes worse life decisions than Rush Limbaugh touring a Vicodin factory while wearing a deep-pocket Member’s Only jacket.

3:03 pm June, 3 Victor von Douche said...

I wonder how many nights this piece of inked porch jerky has spent in county?

4:11 pm June, 3 ToddJerad said...

He is so hire-able; he should tattoo unemployed on his forehead. No, but seriously this girl makes worse decisions then Bill O’Reilly with Mediterranean take out and interns.

4:11 pm June, 3 dbBen said...

gah! The world just failed at life.

She had me at second photo.

4:25 pm June, 3 Mockiavelli said...

Nathan’s skull tatt is supposed to say “Forehead”. Only backwards, so when he looks in the mirror, he knows he’s not bent over looking up his… oh, never mind.

4:45 pm June, 3 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Bald forehead tatt automatically should qualify this asswipe for next week’s weekly.

7:35 pm June, 3 Whoop-di-douche said...

I dunno, he’s in a position highly reminisent of strumming a harp.

And she’s in a position to become a harpy if he goes ahead and strums her.

7:36 pm June, 3 Whoop-di-douche said...

Damn….reminiscent is the correct spelling.

7:40 pm June, 3 Bag Margera said...

Her excuse is “hey if he was perfect, than I would have nothing to complain to my friends about.”

8:35 pm June, 3 curbyourendouchiasm said...

It’s too bad the moniker ‘wretch a sketch’ was taken last year–it fits this fuckhead. Oh, wait, it fit the guy last year too. Nevermind.

8:36 pm June, 3 curbyourendouchiasm said...

She makes worse life decisions than the meth head who says, only one more paychecks worth, I can quit anytime.

8:37 pm June, 3 curbyourendouchiasm said...

She makes worse life decisions thana drunk Ben Rothlisberger at an all girl middle school.

8:38 pm June, 3 curbyourendouchiasm said...

She makes worse life decisions than the embezzling accountant who’s gonna win it all back at the roulette table.

8:40 pm June, 3 curbyourendouchiasm said...

She makes worse life decisions than the primitive tribespeople who used to try and sustain their amanita muscaria high by drinking each other’s urine…oh wait, that was the party I threw last night.

8:41 pm June, 3 all bagged out said...

This picture makes me choke ,then vomit ,then weep salty, salty, salty Coney Island Tears . Abandon hope all ye who commingle with face-tats. It is ,I’m afraid ,too late for poor Maria .

9:02 pm June, 3 Wedgie said...

I don’t think his fivehead says “Failure”. I think it says “Felcher”.

Gotta hand it to the guy, he’s all in, no doubt about it.

10:35 pm June, 3 Wheezer said...

I think his forehead reads “Fartted.”

.

Must be Norwegian.

12:46 am June, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

WHEN OH WHEN WILL THE TATTOOS END?!?!?

Honestly I don’t know what’s going on with all this. It’s over. You’re not cooler because you’ve found a new patch of skin to discolor. You’re not proving anything to your parents. You have no credit among anyone other than some Portland hipster who’s equally as douchey, and if you actually saw someone who looked like you you’d recoil in horror.

Please people, stop. For the love of all that is holy. Bury it. Tattoos are dead. They live on only as an undead curse, a shadow of a former life.

12:52 am June, 4 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh Maria, I see you. Your gaze rivals the famous Afghan Girl. And I know you think you two are just leading the revolution and you’ll be on top of the world in 2012, teaching the human race the law of love.

But he’s as much a douche as you are innocent. Step back and think for a second, contemplate the mind that would put that many tattoos on. I know you can contemplate, eyes like yours were born for it. Please try it.

12:55 am June, 4 DoucheBigue said...

OH my, her eyes on the second pic! I can’t resist the euro-hott staring frog

Whoever invented the oversized sunglasses is a douche not worth mentioning. I wish I could see the fear on her face when she turns right to look at mitch!

2:17 am June, 4 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

i am sure the tat’s look really cool on some blue sunshine; but then 8 hours later, they would look really stupid again.

2:23 am June, 4 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

just a note to maria: although blue sunshine is fun at first, in the long run it causes the user to become bald, then turn into a homicidal maniac.

now, enjoy your date on the boardwalk!

2:28 am June, 4 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

do you know who has a usda stamp tattoo on his ass?

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/06/lennys-midlife-crisis/

6:27 am June, 4 DarkSock said...

I think the tatt on his forehead says “i only eat calafornia rolls wen it comes 2 sushi bcuz thats how i fuckin roll lol

12:59 pm June, 4 Steve Dave said...

Witness: The ‘tard who thinks tats make him hard. Just another braindead whiteboy tagger who can’t think 5 minutes into the future.

But hey, he’s young and has at least 2-3 solid years of daddy-hating girls ahead of him. I have a full sleeves, but if my daughter brought home a moron of this caliber I’d probably asphyxiate of laughter. Then I’d cut her off until she dumped him.

1:34 pm June, 4 Douchey the Great said...

“That girl makes worse life decisions than Megan Fox.”

Or Sandra Bullock. I’ll bet the dude has tats on his dick as well.

5:32 pm June, 14 breitling said...

I bought my Breitling

about 7 years ago and wear it nearly everyday. In all honesty I’d never heard of Breitling Windrider

until I went into a store to buy a Tag Heuer. Anyhow, I might also be interested in Bentley 6.75

. I know not everyone is going to like Bentley Motors

11:02 pm June, 16 Maria* said...

Hi,

Firstly, I would like to thank whoever posted this for giving me a fake name, finding there are still photos with me and this douche out there is very humiliating. Also, I would like to apologise for anyone whom I may have offended by dating this unruly specimen. It took a restraining order & him finally being deported to get rid of him, but hes finally gone.

I would like to go on to say, WHERE were all of you when I needed to hear this wisdom and seek life guidance. As I was very mad at my parents (I was yet to outgrow teenage angst) I had noone to turn to for advice. This being said i should have known, he had mistake tattooed all over him…

For anyone who was worried about me and my family issues, I would like to let you all know my parents and I are back on track. & hopefully in the future I can stay away from anyone of the male sex who has fearless tattooed on their forehead.

Special shout out to my dad Fabio* THANKYOU for physically beating some sense into me.

Yours Sincerely,

Maria*

6:22 am June, 17 KITTY* said...

MARIA* I’m glad you got over this..

p.s. Georgia…. I’m sorry you let him touch your vag. May god have mercy on your soul.

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