Thursday, June 17, 2010

Maria Who Got Fondled at Coney Island Thanks Us

Maria Who Got Fondled at Coney Island a few weeks ago on the site writes in to thank us:

—-

Hi,

Firstly, I would like to thank whoever posted this for giving me a fake name, finding there are still photos with me and this douche out there is very humiliating.

Also, I would like to apologise for anyone whom I may have offended by dating this unruly specimen. It took a restraining order & him finally being deported to get rid of him, but hes finally gone.

I would like to go on to say, WHERE were all of you when I needed to hear this wisdom and seek life guidance. As I was very mad at my parents (I was yet to outgrow teenage angst) I had noone to turn to for advice. This being said i should have known, he had mistake tattooed all over him…

For anyone who was worried about me and my family issues, I would like to let you all know my parents and I are back on track. & hopefully in the future I can stay away from anyone of the male sex who has fearless tattooed on their forehead.

Yours Sincerely,

Maria

(i have enclosed a photo, proving its me)

—————–

Just doing our part for the larger civic discourse, Maria, glad to be of service in helping your maturation process occur through the art of the mock.

Now go kick ten douches in the nads while singing “Ave Maria” as your penance.

EDIT: Maria responds with more info (and more hottie pics) in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:04 am June, 17 Anthony LaBaglia said...

Bitch, it ain’t rocket surgery. I mean, look at the fucking guy. You need help with this decision? I’m going back to flat ass from the previous post.

7:09 am June, 17 jcdouchey said...

Jennifer Connelly?

http://filmonic.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/jennifer-connelly-8.JPG

7:10 am June, 17 DarkSock said...

“Maria”, if it’s really you: I’m afraid we need more conclusive photographic proof. Specifically, one showing that birthmark on your right firm buttock, and the small freckle on your underboob, and also any soiled undergarments you could send forth (the more DNA, the better).

.

Assuming it is indeed you: This redemption of a fine young woman (and by “fine young woman” I mean FINE young woman) is why we fight, people. One down, 2.5 billion to go.

7:11 am June, 17 DarkSock said...

And please forgive Mr. Labaglia’s outburst; he’s still reeling from the N’assatall lady in the previous photo and he’s just a little emotional right now.

7:11 am June, 17 fatness said...

“he had mistake tattooed all over him…”

.

Priceless.

7:15 am June, 17 Condouchious say... said...

You know I didn’t see the word ‘mistake’ tattooed on him…unless it’s one of those optical illusions that require you to stare for a period of time. Look at us! Doing some good! Society, you’re welcome.

7:17 am June, 17 DarkSock said...

In other news: my garage band has nailed down Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name Of”. I know some of you here play instruments and can read music, so I transcribed the intro to the song for you. I hope this helps:

.

here’s the intro to Rage’s “Killing In the Name Of”:

.

BASS:

Bawm-Bom {thip-thip} Bawm-Bom {thip-thip-thip-thip-thip-thip}

Bawm-Bom {thip-thip} Bawm-Bom {thip-thip-thip-thip-thip-thip}

Blawm-Bawm-Bawwwm, Blah-Blah-Bawm~BomBomm_BOMMMM_BUMMM_BUMMMM

LEAD GUITAR:

Spare-Nair {chikka} Nair-Nair {chikka-wokka-chikka chikka}

Spare-Nair {chikka} Nair-Nair {chikka-wokka-chikka chikka}

SPAIR-naw-NAIR, NINNY-NAIR, SPARENAIR-NOWWWW, NANNER-NOWWW

.

.

*Remember, it’s tuned to drop-D

7:21 am June, 17 DarkSock said...

He looks like an inverted sea otter.

7:23 am June, 17 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

I’m in love with Maria.

7:23 am June, 17 Horace Dangleballs said...

The lovely Maria has realized the error of her ways, thanked us, and didn’t demand the pictures be removed. She gets a pass on abuse as far as I’m concerned.

7:31 am June, 17 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

Do I smell…

… Hope?

7:38 am June, 17 Douchelips said...

See we are fighting the good fight! There is hope for boobie suckle thigh hottie everywhere.

.

Ridiculous tatts = major warning sign

7:42 am June, 17 Bagnonymous said...

Maria, the path to full redemption and freedom from the Greicovirus requires the submission of more pictures. Lots more of them. Preferrably in flattering light, and with lighter-weight clothing–or none at all.

.

It is the only way.

7:45 am June, 17 Bagnonymous said...

(Jesus effin’ Christ, already! Sorry Darksock–I swear I hadn’t read your 7:10 am post yet before nearly typing the same thing word-for-word 32 minutes later. Juvenile minds think alike, apparently.)

7:52 am June, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She may not be Natalie Wood and her West Side Story has a douche. But Maria is one spicy meat-a -ball. He is all things wrong with the world. I would like to see her gash.

7:53 am June, 17 mr.reeve said...

Well Maria, you are not out of the douche woods just yet. Hopefully the douche flu has left you.

I agree with Darksock, we need to see some more pictures just to make sure the douche sickness has left. Good day.

7:54 am June, 17 RAPETIME said...

Maria.

Goddamn.

7:56 am June, 17 Wedgie said...

She has seen the light, admitted her mistake, and moved towards self improvement. She gets a pass from the guy in the cheap seats.

BTW, the tatt on his forehead does in fact translate to “mistake”. Directly, and in any language.

Mr. LaBaglia obviously has a major hangover. Please refrain from taking it out on Maria. I would like to encourage more hotties to write in with their stories. You remember Bagpolean’s girl, don’t you?

8:04 am June, 17 Deltus said...

Yes Maria, more pics will be required. Both of you, showing proof of whom you are, and of you kicking dbags right in the nads. Oh, and any lingerie or bikini shots you happen to have lying around…

8:07 am June, 17 doucheywallnuts said...

Okay so what do we call a bleeth who was with a douchebag who has seen the error of her ways and has truly reformed?

8:34 am June, 17 Douchble Helix said...

Really, Maria’s friends!

How could she have *possibly* known there might be a dark underbelly to this cat? “He told me he was in pre-med at the community college!”

His anti-social behaviour was so cleverly concealed behind his facial tattoos, his gun tattoo, his unfinished tattoos, his ‘fearless’ tattoo on his forehead (d’oh!), the skinhead thing, his groping, his meth habit, his unemployment, his lack of housing, etc. It’s so hard to find a ‘good one”, isn’t it, sweet Maria?

How could you all just remain silent like that?

Next time, help a sistah out!

8:41 am June, 17 I R A Darth Aggie said...

It took a restraining order & him finally being deported to get rid of him, but hes finally gone.

What? deported? to where? Soccerbagistan? Euortrashistan? HipsterBaggey?

If you require advice in the future, stop by and ask. Experience can be a fine teacher. And it takes time for parents and children to adjust to being both adults. It isn’t easy for them, as they’re used to being able to tell you what to do, and you doing it (eventually).

8:41 am June, 17 WheezerHCwDB said...

Maria, you can further rehabilitate yourself by joining us in the mock! Tune in tomorrow morning for Friday Haiku and kick off your weekend the right way. : )

.

Regardless, thank you for seeing the light and abandoning the dirtbag douche. I think we should all take out restraining orders on douchebags as a general principle. Maybe we can have them all deported to Doucheland (no, not necessarily Deutschland).

8:48 am June, 17 Euripidouche said...

jesus maria that must have been like fucking a gumball machine.

8:50 am June, 17 MoeDouche said...

One down. How many more to go!?! Oh well, it was exciting news for a slow day. Maria is now cured. No more DBs, right Maria?

8:54 am June, 17 wonderdouche twin said...

Maria what you really need to hear is…..

“SEND THIS SITE TO ALL OF YOUR SUCKLE THIGH FRIENDS” and them to theirs and so on like a good old fashioned pyramid scheme!

We can only do so much here, the word needs to get out and yelled from the roof tops!

8:59 am June, 17 chaserofthehott said...

Maria,

My darling you are a vision indeed. While I have to agree with my fellow douchstroyers on the more pictures, I for one give you a pass. I know all about the rebelling of parental guidance and dating the wrong people. However, things really change when you become the parent. Anywho, join us in the mock, and I’m in love with you. 🙂

9:11 am June, 17 dbBen said...

Last time she was on the site, I thought the world had failed. Now, I feel different.

SPOILER ALERT: The Road starring Viggo Mortenson

I felt like Viggo’s character near the end of The Road. But instead of getting shot with an arrow and being deaded, I find a Sacagawea dollar and a full pez dispenser containing grape pez’ . Enough to give me a little smile and a little hope. All might not be lost. Or maybe it is since we nuked ourselves. Whatever. Maria’s hottness just nuked my focus at work.

9:12 am June, 17 Claude Douchenburg said...

God I am balling like a little pussy wussy baby. It fills me with tears of joy knowing we have saved a lovely creature like Maria from the tattooed xenoscrote invasion. God what joy. And Maria my darling, if you ever want to piss off your parents again I would suggest getting involved in an older married man, much like myself. And by an older married man much like myself I mean,,,ME. Call me. Muwah

9:26 am June, 17 Claude Douchenburg said...

A haku for Maria:

Anger goggles lie

Body mutilation speaks

Maria, call me.

9:30 am June, 17 Wedgie said...

^Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

9:56 am June, 17 Mr. White said...

Maria is very pretty.

Yeah, that’s all I got. Stupid work.

9:59 am June, 17 Mr. White said...

@darksock

Thanks for the transcription. That’s more sophisticated than I expected from Rage. I would have guessed their music would be written down using a combination of scratch marks and piss stains.

No offense to Tom Morello, really. He seems like a smart, thoughtful guy. I’d just like to give him some guitar lessons so he understands that screechy-scritchy sounds should be an occasional ornament, not whole songs. Coltrane is proof that you can be avant garde as all fuck without sounding like you’re having a knife-fight with a cat.

10:02 am June, 17 Crucial Head said...

@Maria,

.

Roses are Red

Violets Are Blue

I want to have coital relations with you in my mind.

.

.

*call me*

10:04 am June, 17 Bagwood said...

A hott saved from Bleethery; kudos, DB1. It’s good to know our work is accomplishing something.

10:10 am June, 17 Vin Douchal said...

Hitting the ‘site a little late. I don’t know if Maria is reading our posts, but here goes:

.

Damn , straight, girl. Now find yerself a fertile feller with a good job, a family he converses with politely on a regular basis and make more humans that look like you.

Your Pal,

Vin

Father of a girl around your age (non-Bleeth)

.

See? It doesn’t have to be all hate all the time

10:26 am June, 17 Doucheblaster said...

Hmmm…Could this be the creative writing of Grandmaster DB1 at work here?

This letter from Maria sounds way to good to be true…more than seeing Maria strip nekked Id like to know the truth.

…and truthfully Id rather see Maria naked

10:57 am June, 17 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

I’m one up on all of you as I live in Brooklyn. Not the douchey part, though. Fuck me, but all the Hipsterbags in Williamsburg can be drowned off Coney Island I’d be one happy Brooklynite.

Maria, call me.

11:09 am June, 17 dewshey oxburger said...

…like fucking a gumball machine. classic!

11:15 am June, 17 Douchey the Great said...

This is a cause of celebration! A cute, smart young lady has seen the light and kept the pics up.

Now she should go in peace and accept the date from the man who works in a cubicle.

11:20 am June, 17 Cock-a-doodle-douche said...

This:

Just doing our part for the larger civic discourse, Maria, glad to be of service in helping your maturation process occur through the art of the mock.

Is much better with what I first thought it said:

Just doing our part for the larger civic discourse, Maria, glad to be of service in helping your masturbation process occur through the art of the mock.

11:37 am June, 17 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Can we characterize her as a Born Again Hott?

12:48 pm June, 17 Jimmy said...

God being a father of a hot girl must be like walking a tightrope. Anything you do mildly wrong can be shoved back in your face by your daughter dating a tattoed maniac. Please bless me with sons

By the way Maria, I love you.

1:13 pm June, 17 Stephanie said...

At least Maria woke up! Sometimes embarrassment does work.

1:32 pm June, 17 Sir David Douchenborough said...

And here, we observe the nascent diversity of sexual selection in natural environments, for the female has finally saw through the deceptive aesthetic displays of her male counterparts only to summarily reject the false association between his superficial courtship and his viability as a mate. A rare sight indeed but it is nonetheless a testament to the ever changing and fascination process we call Life (without douchebags).

1:33 pm June, 17 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Oh and yes, I would also like to know. Where exactly was he deported? To California in the nineties?

2:33 pm June, 17 G said...

Nice one, Maria…perhaps redemption would be more rewarding if you could send in an ass pear shot of yourself, and perhaps DB1 can create a “Hall of Hott Redeemed”?

Maybe the hotts that have pictures that are sent in can have “Fuck off Douchebags!” written in lipstick somewhere on their bodies so as to not interfere with the enjoyment of pear?

Just thinking out loud…

3:47 pm June, 17 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

of course she couldn’t see mistake tattooed all over him, it was hidden by all of the other tattoo mistakes. she has already proven herself susceptible to douchery. if her limiting factor now is that he can’t have fearless tattooed on his forehead, i fear history will repeat itself. my advise–become a nun now, then renounce when you are 28 or so. and if not, no tattoos maria, no tattoos. and no piercings, no necklaces of any sort, and absolutely no baseball caps unless you are sure the guy is not going to tilt it sideways, even when loaded on ouzo and jager.

3:59 pm June, 17 doucheblaster said...

I also would like to see a hall of cured hotts

4:13 pm June, 17 soy bomb said...

This story warms the cockles of my black heart.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Alright, alright guilty. This story warms my cock only.

4:27 pm June, 17 G said...

@lucious…she can have one necklace. A pearl one from me…

4:28 pm June, 17 Douche Equis said...

How do you solve a problem like Maria? Just like this site has done! pictures, lipstick, nudity, I love you

4:30 pm June, 17 G said...

Who am I kidding…I wouldn’t have the stamina to give her a pearl necklace…how about a pearl anklet? bracelet?

5:46 pm June, 17 maria's* friend said...

to answer your Qs, maria lives in australia. he was from America so she deported his ass back there.

(cue “americans-are-all-douches-she-should’ve-seen-it-comin” jokes)

6:08 pm June, 17 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

@g–bad syntax on my part, i meant tattoos,necklaces, and piercings on the guy. if she can’t discern a guy who has asshole tattooed on his forehead from a non-douche, then she needs to eliminate any potential warning signs no matter how innocuous they may be. lots of good people wear baseball caps, but i don’t think she is capable of discerning the nuances of hat tilt. i still think she should be a nun, at that point, a pearl anklet would be a very appropriate gift of love and support, anything more than that might be seen as disrespectful.

6:09 pm June, 17 BMC said...

Maria – Glad to hear you came around. Bravo… bravo.

6:16 pm June, 17 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

dear maria’s friend–

was he from los angeles???

this would lend well into my theory that los angeles is the vortex of douchery.

6:21 pm June, 17 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

ahhh australia.

no douchery currently going on there.

maybe your parents were douchalicious.

see if you can spot any in the clip.

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ryan Lindsay, Jay Louis. Jay Louis said: RT @ryanklindsay: Because life lessons can come at any time: http://tinyurl.com/2eenk92 Thanks @JayLouis and HCwDB, you're changing the … […]

7:41 pm June, 17 Sir David Douchenborough said...

@lucious

Is it me, or was that clip just a wee bit prophetic? Holy baby Jesus on a bicycle.

8:18 pm June, 17 lucious lupus john reminds the viewers that you can't hide a tattoo mistake with more tattoo mistakes said...

@sir david dochenborough–yes, a whole lotta wtf going on down under. i am confused now as the original picture was purported to be coney island. this is most peculiar.

8:27 pm June, 17 Guid is Good said...

“I had noone to turn to for advice.”

What is the interwebs for? HCwDB – thousands of case studies with gratuitous amateur psychoanalysis just a mouse click away.

As an Australian I am concerned this unruly specimen made it through customs.

8:39 pm June, 17 Guid is Good said...

“It took a restraining order & him finally being deported to get rid of him, but hes finally gone.”

I would have thought a course of antibiotics would have been the natural starting point.

8:49 pm June, 17 Maria* said...

Hi Everyone,

Thankyou for the understanding people who have not only forgiven me for such a crime, but also announced their love for me.

Yes, I am from Australia. The photo was taken in Sydney. I still remember that moment in time so clearly, it was the day i thought my soul commit suicide.

I have included a photo of myself, so once again you really know its me. Apologies for the fact it isnt an “ass pear shot of myself”, however lets try not give my parents anything more to deal with… they have already had to sink in their daughter “was fucking a gumball machine” and “dating an inverted sea otter”…let alone have to see their daughter taking ass shots for the internet.

http://img197.imageshack.us/g/98416961.png/

& to any girls out their who are having daddy issues… i learnt the hard way. dating someone with fearless tattooed on his forehead is not the solution…. it just creates a bigger, more ugly problem.

Maria

9:24 pm June, 17 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

It is good to hear that Maria is well on the way to recovery, but she still have far to go.

She must learn the ways of the’huntress. She is to immediately report to Dicy and Medusa, who will teach her the fine art of choadmockery, as well as advanced castration techniques.

10:15 pm June, 17 Snoop Douchey Douche said...

Reformed hotts … Megods, what a good day this has been!

10:18 pm June, 17 Steve L. said...

oh fuck. now Maria is unattainable for esoteric reasons. is it better than dating a douchebag? i ask you, IS IT BETTER?!

okay it is. but i’m only saying that because it’s the principle of the matter. deep down, i’m far too horny for my own good.

10:24 pm June, 17 Steve L. said...

so! what happened to fearless tattoo guy and where is he now? was he killed by a stingray? now that’s REAL karma.

.

that may be the only Australian death wish that i know of, but it’s the heart that counts. or something.

11:19 pm June, 17 WheezerHCwDB said...

“was fucking a gumball machine”

“dating an inverted sea otter”

.

Maria, I think you need to get your parents on here as well. Sounds like they know how to bring the mock, though they should probably apologize to the otter population.

.

And your solo pics are nice. : )

11:21 pm June, 17 Whoop-di-douche said...

Ave Maria….

Thanks for your East Side Story.

We on the West Side of the World are enthralled.

However, you DO like attention. Hanging around douchebags is not the kind of attention you deserve.

Glad you got that under your skull. Keep wearing revealing clothes and driving hot cars and you will still get attention, probably STILL the wrong kind, though.

May a kookaburra sit on your wombat while cuddly koalas give you kisses as your didgeree-doo boomerang bang-bangs you.

Your American friend,

Whoop-di-douche

1:08 am June, 18 Commenter said...

of course this is a FAKE. but it was fun to read thanks!

6:13 am June, 18 Claude Douchenburg said...

No, Really, call me.

8:36 am June, 18 chaserofthehott said...

Ah Maria, Maria,

You are right that your parents have been through enough and ass shots on the internet are not the way to go. Good on ya mate! Keep your head up as you are a beautiful girl and evidentially smart as your writing shows. See I need you around because I’m a single father of a six-year-old girl, and I need some girls such as yourself to refer her to in her time of crises. As with all adolescent mistakes I know it’s probably coming, and I know as a loving father I can weather through it. Trust me when I tell you that your parents don’t think any less of you they are just proud you made it out! Hopefully, years from now, I can find this thread and refer my daughter to it, although that most likely wont deter her motives. We all kid on here, but we are proud of you, just don’t slip up again. Vin gave you some great advice and I have to agree with him.

Respectfully yours,

Chase

12:25 pm June, 18 doucheblaster said...

More authentic pics from the real “Maria” DB1???? Nah I dont believe it! Its just too good to be true!

2:10 pm June, 18 Dicy said...

Yes Maria! Come to me or Medusa. We will teach you how to properly castrate a Douchey McDouchescrote and begin to date sexy Italian men and Physics PhDs and other respectable men, many of whom can be found on this site. Though most of them are inconveniently married *sigh* 😛

6:37 pm June, 18 Herp Albert said...

Oh the indiscretions of youth. Live and learn.

I learned something new today too. I thought it was just something that people said, “she’s just dating him to piss off her parents”, but I’m surprised that, yes, girls do actually do that. Huh.

I can’t imagine dating someone in order to piss off someone else. Then again, I can’t imagine dating someone. Wait, I can, it’s just that they can’t imagine dating me.

7:07 pm June, 18 Sir Boo said...

I want the name of his tattoo artist.

10:07 pm June, 18 Fatness said...

Me too. The hit man won’t accept “John Dope” as the target…

2:59 am June, 19 spc said...

i smell a fake. we need real photos or a facebook page… on that note, im making one.

3:41 am June, 19 uh oh said...

uh oh

hello paige royal

thats her real name guys

find her on fb & tumblr

10:39 am June, 19 Douchble Helix said...

So I’m checking out those pics of Maria. I’m clicking on the ‘next’ button forever. It’s just an infinity of pictures of her in rotated positions…

11:08 pm June, 19 Anonymous said...

http://www.robertxsumner.blogspot.com

the sad story of the douche & why he is such a douche.

12:33 am June, 20 Kevin said...

Holy shit that old picture of them on the bench is Circular Quay, right in the middle of Sydney harbour. I transit through there to work nearly every day. Pier 3 is I think from the north shore to Circular Quay? So my guess is that Maria is one of those hot North-shore daughter of a fairly wealthy father whom is probably a little uptight so she decides to get back at her by dating an illegal immigrant with horrible horrible tattoos. Man our customs guys are assholes, how did this guy clear customs in the first place? I wonder how Maria is doing now in the Sydney dating scene – cause there are plenty of trendy-douches and faux Euro douches around….

3:35 am June, 21 Maria* said...

Hello!

Would just like to let anyone who may still read this. I was only “bringing the mock” by saying I had issues with my parents. I get along with my family all very well. Was just joining in with the write offs.

Anyway! Thanks this brought a lot of enjoyment & laughter 😀

This website actually is amazing & I shall keep reading.

Mariaaaaaaaaaa

9:23 am June, 22 jonezy said...

enjoy the site Maria.

.

And bring your friends.

.

and hopefully some Aussie bag tags…

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6:53 pm June, 22 maria said...

i am actually a lesbian

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