Sunday, June 20, 2010

Neither Hip Nor Hop

I just saw a hamster castrate himself with a pocket knife and a protractor.

# posted by douchebag1
8:42 am June, 20 Anonymous said...

Guitar, huh?

9:02 am June, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I like Father’s Day. No evil eye for morning drinking and the kids are fetching my beer.

The above video must be the love child of T-Pain and Justin Bieber. T-Pain must have been the pitcher. Yeesh!

9:05 am June, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

What happened to music. Where did the kids go wrong. Fuccken Autotuners. I want my Led Zeppelin back.

9:28 am June, 20 soy bomb said...

In no part of that Les Paul’s life has it ever been played.

10:08 am June, 20 Euripidouche said...

jesus christ, its like some quantum leap into a universe where charlie sheen has black friends, and no one has taste.

10:11 am June, 20 P Showard Chunt said...

all this young man needs is a song writer, with all the studio tricks, the producer can take it from there…

i would like to offer him my original composition from my college beer money band,”scrunchy on my dick”. at least that song was about something

10:44 am June, 20 Mr. White said...

This makes me feel weird to say, but…I don’t hate this.

Hear me out, though: I mean, I don’t “like” this in any significant way. There’s a dude pretending to play guitar, even when there is no guitar at all or one buried so far into the mix that it’s inaudible, and the “subject” matter of the song, such as it is, is just a variation of the usual self-promoting boring bullshit you hear in so much music like this, BUT it’s a bit less boasty-dick swinging than other songs of this genre, and the chorus has an identifiable melody, such as it is, that one could hum.

Yes, most of the instruments were played by computers and/or robots, and the people in the video are just the puppets of whatever producer is responsible for this, but if I had to pick between this and most of the shlock that the American Idolization of the music scene tries to force down our throats as “authentic” and “talented,” I’d actually choose this.

Yes, I’m working on the Bach cello suites on classical guitar right now, so this “music” pains me, but still…

Between that and the fact that I was one of the few people not willing to issue a notta yesterday, I feel like I’m in opposite world. What’s wrong with me?

10:46 am June, 20 Mr. White said...

@p showard

Original favorites of my college band included “Pumpkin Kick,” “Collective Urinal” (a celebration of the huge piss troughs one finds in amusement park men’s rooms), and “My Little Jewish Foreskin” (a touching elegy to things that are lost). I bet “Scrunchy on My Dick” would fit in well with that playlist.

11:17 am June, 20 Kevin Rudolf said...

my music is fuckin the best motherfuckers! dont diss it and also i will be sueing you for unauthorized posting of my music, if you dont like my music its because your a boring loser no doubt about it, now if you dont mind i’am going to the MGM Grand to valet some cars.

11:19 am June, 20 Kevin Rudolf said...

oh yeah and p.s I SWALLOWED IT AND YOU DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!!

11:21 am June, 20 Kevin Rudolf said...

and you can expect a used jelly dong on your desk soon.

11:34 am June, 20 soy bomb said...

@Kevin Rudolf: You obviously didn’t MAKE IT to grammar/punctuation/law class. Enjoy being a mediocre hack.

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…and keep your damn hands off that guitar. It’s for musicians only.

12:14 pm June, 20 Edvis said...

I had the misfortune seeing this KING DOUCHE in Jackson. His show was lame, his “posse” was lame, his look was lame. In the end, HE HAD NO GAME.

When “Boner” from Family Ties and “Vinnie” from Doogie Howser M.D. are cooler then you, well, you know you have a problem.

How about putting down the guitar (and the two-and-a-half chords that you can play), returning N’SYNC’s clothes, and going back to your job at Kinkos.

Oh, please drop your friend Haji back off to his job at 7/11.

Dorks.

12:29 pm June, 20 tall guy said...

You see, this Kevin idiot’s posted response (or reaction) is indicative of his generation and one of the main reasons why they’re such an unimaginative lot. The three standout things are: 1) his delusion, masquerading as a phony sense of self-belief with his opening line. 2) the accusation that those who don’t subscribe to either erroneous proposition of the preceding point are boring and 3) the misguided belief that by participating and contributing to trash media’s ongoing fascination with allowing untalented, self-absorbed nobodies a bit of airtime somehow makes one ‘cool’ or edgy or some such crap. It’s not hard, Kevin: you’re a silly little boy. Go and do something worthwhile with your meaningless, dull and useless little life before it’s too late.

1:28 pm June, 20 End the Haberdouchery said...

Good for you Kevin, good for you. You made an over-produced, over-budget music video. You didn’t play guitar, you weren’t lead vocals, and you had two guys rap two verses for you. So all this abortion of a song says is that you’ve made it far enough to pay people to make your music for you while you hold your guitar in the background.

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This crap makes me yearn for Chad Kroeger and his 30 lb head.

1:39 pm June, 20 mr.reeve said...

All the music of this generation sucks. Just another pop song with no depth. Move on everyone. Nothing to hear here.

If you think this is crap try Jay Z’s “Forever Young”. The original was bad and his is worse.

And the name “Twinkle Chode” for the dancing douche on your show was very fitting. Nicely done Jay.

2:09 pm June, 20 WheezerHCwDB said...

my music is fuckin the best motherfuckers!

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So “Kevin Rudolf” (ahem) is here claiming to 1) have personified his music and 2) that it’s involved in a widespread incestuous relationship…..? Do I understand that garble correctly?

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I certainly understand that his music sucks ass, but it appears that is done on more levels than I had imagined. That explains the “hideous” comment I made on that YouTube page.

2:36 pm June, 20 Crucial Head said...

Yeah, I have to agree a bit with Mr. White on this one. The video is so homogenized and over-produced that it just dribbles past my “hatter” synapses like the trickle of urine through an eighty year old man’s swollen prostate. It is not hip, nor hop. It doth not rock, nor roll. It just benevolently douches on.

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How much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzi?

And how much did you spend on your black leather jacket?

Is it you or your parents in this income tax bracket?

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… Excess ain’t rebellion.

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My hackles bristle much stronger when I see someone like Bono peddling his third rate Clash covers as intellectual and sonic milestones in music history while cloaking his admirable humanitarian efforts in a wet blanket of a persona that oozes douche and choad from every pore.

2:44 pm June, 20 Vin Douchal said...

I’m with Mr White here. While it is not the music of a talented musician, it is what this generation responds to with what matters most, the dollar.

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When rock and roll hit way back in the olden days it was played by kids that were tired of playing their music lesson compositions. They found a new way to express creativity. Folks like Buddy Holly, Beatles, Dylan, Byrds, Yardbirds were all groundbreaking acts by quality talent.

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When Yes, ELP, Jimi Hendrix and thier ilk spun a more progressive route, the game was on, the path blazed.

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As a fan of pop my whole life, I don’t begrudge anyone success in the Top 40. It is where the industry takes the young people by making them think what they are doing is new and fresh. We know it isn’t but they don’t.

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Kevin is no genius and his material will evaporate and dissapear like a puddle made by a morning sprinkler in Palm Desert.

Good on ya boy, put some dough in the bank and stay away from Mercedes Benzes, ‘Ho’s and 30 year mortgages. See ya in two years while you’re wondering what went wrong as I ask for extra ranch dressing for my criss cut fries.

2:46 pm June, 20 Vin Douchal said...

And in case you missed my drunken post this early A.M. click for a great January Jones photo page

2:57 pm June, 20 Troy Tempest said...

kevin,

in my not so humble opinion, you are not worthy of sucking the great stinking tourdes that cascade out of my little wooden butt.

you are a worthless atavistic hack who has all the musical skills and personal charm normally found in a roiling bucket of meal worms and vomit. compared to you, justin bieber is bartok and david cassidy is mozart. you are a worthless hack and I suggest you learn a trade, like plumbing or carpentry.

3:03 pm June, 20 Whoop-di-douche said...

Oh fer chrissakes, who the hell would even think about downloading this POS onto ringtones, let alone listen to this crapola?

There may be a reason the boomer generation is going deaf above and beyond the overload on the eardrums: it’s to save them from hearing this kind of douche-‘n-wiggle..

3:24 pm June, 20 Hog Knuckle said...

These guys could sure use some Breitling Watches to increase their street cred.

3:48 pm June, 20 ehcuodouche said...

I was going to comment but this guy already said it.

3:57 pm June, 20 Edvis said...

Wonder if Lil Wayne and Birdman had a bet over who could get a big dork and give him a hit…

4:00 pm June, 20 Crucial Head said...

@ehcuodouche,

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That may have been my best Father’s Day gift. Long time since I heard that clip. Muchas gracias, amigo.

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@Kevin Rudolph,

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Satan wants to introduce you to his majesty!

4:23 pm June, 20 soy bomb said...

Ahh, Mr. Bill Hicks. It’s always good to bust out one of his albums every now and then to cleanse the soul.

4:33 pm June, 20 Sir David Douchenborough said...

The annoying aspect about all this is that autotune was extremely popular when ‘pop culture’ originally reared its ugly in the late nineties. Boy and girl bands employed autotune so much in that period, and then now, it has now come back in a big way. The same can be said with synth pop, which was extremely popular in the eighties. It just shows that the memory span of pop culture is so short you can recycle these elements, especially the aesthetic. The tight jeans is a good example. Why on earth anyone want to return to that is beyond me. Still, this is the very crux of the douchebaggery we see: The adoption of old aesthetic forms in the absence of agency, sense of self, and most of all, substance. This type of music talks about the most inane things, and it is not even redeemed by good arrangement or composition.

The oversaturation of pseuo-cultural forms motivated only by materialism leave very little for an actual music revival to be brought into the mainstream. I have to say, however, that I am somewhat glad that what I enjoy is not being bastardized by the choads.

4:51 pm June, 20 >:D said...

JUST TO PISS YOU ALL OFF…

KEVIN RUDOLPHS SONG IS AWESOME! AND I USE AXE DEODERANT, AND ALL THE GEEKY SHIT U LIKE IS FUCKIN SHITTER THEN SHIT, AND UR LIVES ARE MORE BORING AND SHITTER THEN A CAMBODIAN SLAVE HA-HA! DONT CRY ABOUT IT NOW HA-HA! I’M OFF TO SUCK OFF SATAN’S COCKK. THE FIERY SEMEN TASTES GREAT GOING DOWN MY THROAT. GIMME MORE SATAN, I LOVE COCKK!!!!!!!111!!!

4:57 pm June, 20 Crucial Head said...

^^Damn, what’s with all the trolls these days? They can’t even finish off a proper trolling comment without reverting back to their base instincts.

4:58 pm June, 20 >:D said...

O RLY? TOO BAD FOR U THAT SATANS ON MY SIDE HUH? WELL SEE U ALL IN HELL BITCHES… I’ll be the one with a giant cockk in my mouth!

5:00 pm June, 20 Steve L. said...

Mr. White may have his reasons, but i don’t see how this is better than American Idol.

therefore, i’m gonna castrate myself with a pocket knife and protractor.

okay okay i spoke too soon.

about the pocket knife and protractor, that is.

5:07 pm June, 20 Steve L. said...

i think we have a reg in disguise. trolls who don’t know the HCwDB community wouldn’t spell “cockk” for no reason.

5:12 pm June, 20 E! News said...

in breaking news Kevin Rudolph has told his laywers to tell HCWDB writer Jay Louis aka DB1 that he is being sued for blasphemous libel and slander, more on that story later.

5:30 pm June, 20 Jesus "El Saviour" Christ said...

i am not a troll and thou shalt not hate, you will all be sent to hell for being haters

5:31 pm June, 20 DB1 said...

Hi guys,

im sorry to say this but Kevin Rudolph’s lawyers Hinkel & Goldmann, tell me that he is going to sue me for blasphemous libel and slander and the site may be closed down for a while maybe even forever! i guess its bad karma from all the times i’ve been calling other peoples lives shit when really mine and all of ours are shit, i should just come to terms with my jealousy of douches and so should you, our lives are shit not theirs, ok well i got a subpoena to sort out, ok thanks guys .

5:37 pm June, 20 Lee Hotti said...

@DB1

Ha-Ha!

you were all born losers and you will all die losers, you will be lucky if even the gravedrigger goes to ur funeral, dont deny it u fuckin stupid faggots ur just jealous, ur haters who cant be lyke us. Welp. I’m off to suck more cockk!

5:56 pm June, 20 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

So I went shoe shopping today, and when I went into the store, the sound system was playing some ‘baguette’s “rockergirl” version of the Sex Pistol’s “Pretty Vacant”. I listened for a moment, pondered where my generation went wrong as parents, and tried to kill myself.

6:36 pm June, 20 Bag Margera said...

@ Lee Hotti

I’m sure the gravedigger will be at your funeral. He’ll leave your corpse smiling like a donut .

6:46 pm June, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

We have a Father’s Day troll. Fucck off troll.

6:49 pm June, 20 Lee Hotti said...

@bag magera

ur insult was lame compared to mine nuff said bro i’ve already trolled this p.o.s, the site was updated because of my trolling, im a pioneer like Clyde Cash or r u so ignorant u dont know who that is? lol, and another thing do ur research guys DB1 or Jay Louis got the idea for this site from the Marlboro Man Sherdog forum thread on Lee Hotti.com back in late 2005 early 2006 (Dec/Jan) before all the “douchie awards” that sarted in 07′, which is why Lee Hotti was never featured on this site, even tho he was featured with a bleeth, check it out on http://www.knowyourmeme.com and type it in if u dont believe me, also Lee Hotti didn’t deserve to be ridiculed so my excuse for trolling is that im getting vengence on behalf of him and various others who didnt get their revenge. and by vengeance, i mean lathering my starfish n oil and shoving seventeen pounds of wriggling goldfish up my asshole until my throat tickled. actually i was clicking my “Favorites Folder” and missed “Playgirl” by 1 spot n clicked this site by mistake.

7:54 pm June, 20 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Lord love a duck, he actually thinks he’s being clever.

7:56 pm June, 20 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

My favourite part was where his grammar and vocabulary improved halfway through his post. Well done, boss!!!!!!!!!!!

8:00 pm June, 20 WheezerHCwDB said...

BostonDoucheBag’s back? Oh boy, we’re all gonna be rich pretty soon! I’m not sure I want to go all the way to Boston to collect my $10K, though.

8:14 pm June, 20 Guid is Good said...

I could only make it to 47 seconds. Can someone please tell me how this ends? Badly I suspect.

8:14 pm June, 20 Lee Hotti said...

@WheezerHCwDB

who? i think ur getting mixed up with another troll, get it right at least although credit to that other troll if it is one.

oh and well done guys you actually learnt to edit my post and make it look realistic u epic fails, well im still having the best gay sex ever, so 1 game lost is NOTHING <— like u ur all nothing haha, but thanks for joinin in, its always fun 2 have male lovers, i needed some new male lovers, they always seem to go off on my face like lost souls lol

8:36 pm June, 20 Anonymous said...

Man who gives a fuck…this video wasn’t even that douchy to begin with. Disappointing post DB1, you can do so much better.

And to all the “lol haturzz”, chill the fuck out. I like this song. Doesn’t mean that this guy is going to last.

8:41 pm June, 20 DBrecon said...

ummm….who the fuck is this guy???

Never heard of him and glad I haven’t until now.

Clearly he hasn’t made it. lol

He and Bieber will be sucking cock for drugs in 3 years when all their majority 12-14 year old female fan base grows up a little and realizes their shame in liking this shitty music.

Where are N’sync, NKOTB, 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys and the other groups of their ilk now? Crashed and burned or died a slow, fan declining death after that 3 year mark. LOL

8:44 pm June, 20 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

When your only claim to fame is a song about making a claim to fame, well that actually speaks more about the audience than it does the “artist”. But seriously Kevin, did you really make anything? I pushed out one of the biggest turds ever this morning. I looked down into the garden hose filled bowl, smiled and said to myself, “I made that”.

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But I didn’t make that anymore than you put that song together. To make something requires conscious effort on somebody’s part. And clearly no conscious effort went into that song.

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Grab yourself a case of Nati to wash down that semen. Hope you sell a shit load of ringtones. I’ll be making mine available for download tonight. It’s the clanging of a marbled turd smacking into the bottom of a toilet bowl.

9:55 pm June, 20 soy bomb said...

Ahhh…I get it now. One of the mods is cleaning up the troll’s posts. They actually make more sense now.

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This song is a wasteland.

10:10 pm June, 20 Chixdiggit said...

“I’m meat head, I’m meat head”

11:19 pm June, 20 DarkSock said...

Ahhhh, THAT little turd is back….sorry Boss; enjoying Father’s day. I’ll purge his ass tomorrow. L’il shit. Have fun 2nite you little fukker for tomorrow you cease to exist.

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again.

11:48 pm June, 20 Baleen said...

I never understood Lil Wayne (cameo in vid.) beyond a few clever doped out rhymes here and there but just because he is prolific doesn’t mean he’s great. I take dumps all day of various sizes, odors, and consistencies but it’s still shit.

12:09 am June, 21 Baleen said...

This thread needs to wipe.

1:50 am June, 21 tall guy said...

This thread has a link for the January Jones therefore it should not be wiped. Good Lord she’s hot!

1:56 am June, 21 lucious lupus john says don't be a dummy said...

well he’s no john du cann, but who is these days, and i don’t think this is even considered rock.

2:30 am June, 21 Commenter said...

what do you expect from a label whose name is cash money records? this song is the soundtrack for wrestlemania… of course its going to be douchey and shit!!

2:30 am June, 21 lucious lupus john envies jet boy said...

i kind of liked it, but it made me think he should sing this song instead:

not

safe

for

work

2:32 am June, 21 lucious lupus john envies jet boy said...

making music for wrestemania?

now there’s a market.

but do wrestlers get the douche free pass?

4:25 am June, 21 P Showard Chunt said...

@mr white

certainly i think the compositions you mentioned, and my nearly forgotten ode to post-feminist territoriality and the dissonance of its relationship with the masculine impulse to gather trophies of conquest,. and how these discordant impulses can synergize a single symbolic gesture with two distinct meanings separated along traditional gender biases.

what i propose is that, in lieu of world-weary torch songs, a reimagined american idol 2.0, could match these songs with the “amateur” talent they promote, and give the songs the full-on professional treatment. i would love to hear a torchy song of regret for the foreskin shorn before its time, sung in diva style by an unknown songstress who thinks prepuce is some sort of cocktail mixer.

6:51 am June, 21 Bag Margera said...

@ Lee Hotti

Don’t know who you are, or what you’re about. Don’t care much either. Whatever you think you pioneered, the bottom line is DB1 makes me laugh, and you don’t. You’re not amusing and you’re clearly the one “hating.” Straight up, “bro.”

9:51 am June, 21 melvil duchi said...

couldn’t finish it. Did I miss anything?

10:56 am June, 21 Deltus said...

Given the choice of having to listen to this song, or any of the other terrible shit that passes for pop-hip-hop (and make no mistake, hip hop is now completely pop), I’d rather commit ritual seppuku.

11:54 am June, 21 mr.reeve said...

What the fuck is with this loser? Fuck off Lee!

12:23 pm June, 21 Lee Hotti aka The Truth said...

**POOF**.….no more Lee Hotti…..

1:05 pm June, 21 DarkSock said...

Crucial: You’ve done a man’s job, sir. I can’t stop laughing…..
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@ Steve L: Go back and re-read the posts…especially the bold parts….heh heh heh

1:24 pm June, 21 One for the Choad said...

That wasn’t actually Kevin commenting, was it? The whole ‘unauthorized posting’ thing makes no sense, since his label decides whether the clip is embeddable. And posting insults in a comment section? Man, what a sissy.

Ah, the song about being a star. It’s an ugly trend that’s surfaced of late. Witness Lolene’s “Rich (Fake It Til I Make It),” which is just as empty-headed and, to be frank, irresponsible, yet very fitting with the choads that frequently land on this site. It’s all about the lifestyle – just make sure you saved enough money to keep the Valtrex coming.

1:50 pm June, 21 Crucial Head said...

@DarkSock,

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Glad someone caught that. And thanks for cleaning up the mess. These newfound powers, if judiciously employed, could ring the death knell for tiresome trolls.

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@DB1,

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I would like to once again, extend my gratitude to you for bestowing uponst a few of us the supreme power of Moderator.

2:34 pm June, 21 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“I made it”? Good boy, now flush it.

3:06 pm June, 21 Veni, Vidi, Douchey said...

Different language, but equally dreadful video, “Imaginate”, guest-starring a Wilmer Valderama:

Its by “Wisin & Yandel” which sounds more like Hassidic diamond merchants than Latino poser rappers.

I guess the cars in the video are okay. All else = FAIL.

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