Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Reader Mail: The Goth Douche

—-

DB1,

I love various genres of alternative music, post punk, so-called gothic rock, ebm industrial, so on and so forth. I am older now, and the scene is being into directions I do not like. It is increasingly being interchanged with bdsm and other things.

I could handle these changes, the stupid brightly colored hair extensions, the goggles, the crappy generic ebm industrial stuff that Metropolis churns out, if it were not for the smug arrogance and pretentiousness, which I will note at times is particularly directed at us “old folks” who were listening to Joy Division and the Virgin Prunes since before these twerps in Kindergarten.

– F.W.S.

—–

While I agree with you that Gothbaggery has taken a turn into the realm of the purely emulative, rather than authentic, in a bid for hott conquest, be careful not to slip into “back in the day”-isms.

Pretentious douchewanks have always been polluting movements by emulating them, and today’s Gothbag is nothing new.

That being said, enough with the guyliner, Gothwanks. It looked stupid in the 80s and it looks stupid now. Only 80s-era Morrissey may or may not get a performative nottadouche for this sort of thing, and even he’s a whiny emo beyoch.

EDIT: Swapped out the pic for a more accurate Gothbag.

# posted by douchebag1
11:19 am June, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Where’s the douche in the picture? All I see are two really hideous chicks.

11:20 am June, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The chick on the left looks like she does Smurf porn.

11:21 am June, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ @ everybody

.

Boss swapped out pictures on me. Ignore.

11:27 am June, 15 Crucial Head said...

Love n’ Cockkets.

11:27 am June, 15 Crucial Head said...

Dickk Cave and the Scrote Seeds.

11:28 am June, 15 mr.reeve said...

Nice neck tatt and boobs on the blonde in the middle. Besides that this picture is full of mall rats who bought all their goth gear at Hot Topic.

11:28 am June, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Dear Jebus, Moses, Buddha, Eric Clapton, The Shinto dude, Siddhartha, the fat guy with the incense burner and dried prunes at the door of all Asian-owned furniture stores, Yeweh, Ron Jeremy and the frozen head of Ted Williams,

.

Please oh please do not let my 4 year old grow up to be/look/act/eminate anything like the youths in this photo.

.

Your pal,

Vin

11:29 am June, 15 Crucial Head said...

The Shitters of Nerds-y.

11:29 am June, 15 Crucial Head said...

This Choadal Coil.

11:31 am June, 15 I Should Be Shot said...

Boy Dickk Vision.

11:32 am June, 15 Pömmelhorse Pümmelfister said...

Spoogey and the ‘Bagshees

11:33 am June, 15 Mr. Biggs said...

I don’t think this was a back-in-the-day-ism. It’s a particularly noxious element of hipster culture, that they’re so completely retarded they’ll give you a stink eye even as they descend on the neighborhood you’ve been living in for the past 15 years.

11:33 am June, 15 Bag Margera said...

It’s like gloomy first ate a disgusting amount of consumerism shit in the 80’s, and took a big shit in the 90’s that no one ever bothered to clean up. The last decade got use to the turd. Even though it was all dried up, it still smelled bad and caused bacterial disease everywhere. I say even though it’s gotten worse, it was always a piece of shit to begin with.

11:36 am June, 15 Anonymous said...

that’s Daisy De La Hoya from Rock of Love

11:47 am June, 15 mr.reeve said...

^she is all sorts of skanky. Just googled her.

11:49 am June, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Green Gay.

12:00 pm June, 15 Amerigo Vesdouchey said...

Well, at least dude on the right was considerate enough to spare us most of his visage. Boy George on the left needs to grow up already and start acting his age.

12:03 pm June, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Anon 11:36 am

Thanks for the info, she looked familiar and I couldn’t figure it out. Why would a skank baguette who worships at the feet ofrocker bag Brett Michaels co-mingle with goth bags?. I guess her 15 minutes are up.

12:30 pm June, 15 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Isn’t ‘all sorts of skanky’ the default position for anybody who has appeared on Rock of Love?

12:32 pm June, 15 Boozatron said...

My gay friend Bill called them faggots.

12:48 pm June, 15 Claude Douchenburg said...

Those little hipster bag hats seem to be acceptable into any douche sub culture. I guess they must sell them where ever over priced printed tshirts are sold.

12:54 pm June, 15 Steve Dave said...

@F.W.S Um, just how old ARE you?? Rainbow hair extensions? Goggles? “Increasingly interchanged w/ bdsm” ? You’re describing “goth” people I went to highschool with, and I’m 3 freakin’ 2.

Have you been buried in a purple-velvet-lined time capsule since 1993?

Scenes of any kind are inherently temporal and highly susceptible to corruption. Just because you felt cool once, in one place, at one time, with one small group of people, does not mean you ever will again. In fact, the whole concept of “cool,” or “hip,” “in” – even in a scene as nerdy as goth – is that you get one shot to be noticed, and that’s it.

There’s nothing sadder than an aging punk whose mohawk starts on the top of his head, like a kaiser-helmet spike, because that’s what his hairline will allow.

Mature people, US, that is, will always think the kids are up to no good and are ruining all the shit we fought for. And thank goodness for that. If I ever find myself encouraging my child to be weirder, I’ve done something horribly wrong.

1:45 pm June, 15 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Brittney, Carlos Tevez (on a break from the World Cup), and Robert Trujillo seem to be pissed/confused/ashamed that they found their way onto a Rock of Love tour bus.

1:55 pm June, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

Meh, I’m over that whole “We were doin’ it first!” thing. My Skinny Puppy and Psychic TV cassettes are long gone, and I’m finally convinced that I look like a total fucktard in a miniskirt and platform boots. So effin’ what. Nobody “stole” anything from me, I was glad to let it go. I realized one night, as I was stomping around in the club, there was nothing remotely interesting, shocking or fun about it anymore. Anyone there was a pretentious, preening Ghoulbag, fresh from Hot Topic, and if not, a creepy Oldbag, busting out of a too-small pair of vinyl pants. Whatever was exciting or avant-garde about it had long died away, anything new about it was carefully marketed and packaged for maximum parental annoyance.

There was not one person there that didn’t have some sort of button-down day job, I could tell by the manipulated hairdos to look scary on Saturday, acceptable for HR on Monday. Anyone who might not be a desk jockey was working some bullshit minimum wage retail job or fast food. Any girl there in some S&M getup had assuredly never pissed on the face of a man who was wearing a french maid costume and had just scrubbed her kitchen floors with his own toothbrush. Any guy there with fangs and cat-eye contacts and acting all feral had never had his entire forearm in the open, steaming chest cavity of a freshly slaughtered animal.

And, as I made my way through the crowd in my intentional choice of a bright screamin’ red dress, curly and slightly graying natural hair, these weekend warrior twatbags turned their noses up because I wasn’t “hardcore”. I wasn’t “bad” enough. I was too “normal” to be part of their fruity little corpse party. And I decided, in no uncertain terms, that they could fuck themselves sideways with a fencepost. They were no better than these elitist Ed Hardy lemmings that I mock in here. They have a dress code, a prescribed list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, and their lives revolve around being seen at some shitty-ass club on the nights they don’t have to be at Dairy Queen at 9 the next day for their shift. Miserable twats would have gotten down and sucked my toes if they knew where I went to work the next day.

Nonconformity is just another type of conformity, you’re one type of paramecium in a petri dish or another, depending on where you shop and what you listen to. Fuck ’em all. *puts on a non-descript T-shirt and pair of jeans*

2:02 pm June, 15 Deltus said...

Say @Medusa… um… you must have had some interesting club life back when you were clubbing. “forearm in the open, steaming chest cavity of a freshly slaughtered animal”? Huh?? Maybe I was just sheltered.

2:06 pm June, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

To paraphrase Steven Tyler, Gothbag looks like a lady…

2:32 pm June, 15 Wedgie said...

Medusa, I love you.

And Daisy De La Hoya too. Damn fine lips; just damn fine.

2:50 pm June, 15 Crazed Aborigine said...

Type ‘Ho Negative

3:01 pm June, 15 Euripidouche said...

goth has suffered the same aesthetic and epistemic closure that has plagued “metal, real metal” for decades. once a genre starts moving towards a tighter definition of what it is and what it isn’t about, it becomes dead. it just doesn’t know it, i suppose to goths and metalheads, that ain’t nothing, but in terms of good music you don’t need to read about, to listen to and like, solely on the listening experience, its everything.

if you think about the great bands, songs etc, even the ones within metal and goth, the ones these kids have to agree are still pretty great, and defining of what they are doing now, they always pushed the boundaries of genre, as it was defined at the time….

i would make more fun of these simpleton fucks, but i just came back from a shopping trip where my trip around the big box food store was marred by bleeting beatles music(gawd they sucked even worse than i remember, and i always thought they sucked)…so 20 items on a list, and my own clever additions and impulse buys later, and having sat through the inevitable customer in check out ahead of me, cashing some sort of check, using some sort of food card, and then paying cash from some other source all to pay for a stack of groceries but making the standard transaction into negotiations that took longer than some car loans i have signed….all the while listening to hey jude, elinor rigby and the shitty ouvre of the worlds most overrated boomer fuctard band, anyone who isn’t the beatles at least deserves the credit for not being that.

3:01 pm June, 15 Crazed Aborigine said...

Medusa, is there any chance you were in Seattle in about 88 through 91? Because I think we had to have been in the same scene. I always thought if you had to look like a freak, you weren’t the real deal. One night I just got down off of my dancing spot on the bar at the Vogue, looked around at all of the uninteresting crap going on around me being done by uninteresting people, and walked down the street to the boring-ass yuppie straight button down phony Irish bar and ordered an Irish whiskey. At least there the stupidity and pretentiousness was open. A more honest form of posers, as it were.

A few years after I quit going there, they instituted a DRESS CODE at the goth bars in Seattle. If you didn’t look freaky enough you couldn’t get in. The people I was hanging around with down there would have sacrificed such clowns to their dark gods.

You damn kids get off of my lawn….

7:10 pm June, 15 Whoop-di-douche said...

Punk goths puke my senses, and pix with Courtney and Brittney pretenders posing with jerk-off ghoul guys get the vomitus hurling.

7:12 pm June, 15 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

I’m 52 and still have my original Factory Records 45 of Love Will Tear Us Apart that I bought for $1.75 at the original Newbury Comics location.

Just thought I’d throw in some “back in the day” shit.

Sorry.

9:06 pm June, 15 Guid is Good said...

Haven’t we seen that blonde somewhere before?

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/Janice-MuppetsTV.png

Bit slow off the mark Dr Bunsen?

9:56 pm June, 15 Steve L. said...

what exactly do goth clubbers know about forced sex slave regimes in Nazi Germany?

yep. abso-fucking-lutely nothing. time to show some gothbags how a Vickers machine gun should really be used.

okay fuck that. i don’t know how to use a Vickers machine gun either.

10:18 am June, 16 DarkSock said...

I peed in the open, steaming chest cavity of a freshly slaughtered goat once.

8:50 pm June, 16 Stephanie said...

Bela Ladouches Dead

I have all of their records

Leave a Reply

What is 15 + 3 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)