Thursday, July 29, 2010

Ask DB1: The Plight of the Tattoo Artist

——

DB1,

I come to you with a concern of personal and professional impact.

As an artist, I have noticed in the last five years a steady increase in people hiring me to design tattoos for them. It’s quick, easy work, and I certainly don’t mind doing it.

But, as a self-aware ‘bag hunter (and slayer), am I contributing to the rising tide of scrotal filth? I know that it’s the person behind the tattoo, and the presentation and attitude thereof, that really brings things together into a comprehensive douche-whole, however I fear that we may have passed the point where getting a tattoo is a pure indication of the douchebag attitude.

Are tattoos at the point of being auto-douche, or is there still a niche for tattoos with artistic merit, that are free of the douchebag label?

What is the state of tattoos in general as a douche-signifier? Should I continue to design tattoos as artistic, non-contrived pieces in a hope that I’m not part of the problem?

Or, if tattoos really are auto-douche, by what margin should I increase my prices?

Fight the good fight,

Dex

—–

Tattoos are not inherently autodouche, but they are an early warning signifier, a “Here There May Be Douche” signpost on the body. Some tatts, however, are tasteful and artistic, and if not displayed obnoxiously, are not automatically ‘bag.

Excessively bad tattoos, however, of meaningless “cool” insignias (tribal tatts, skulls, etc) are a stage-3 uberscrote.

The key is not in the tattoos, but in their display in service of larger douchebaggery.

# posted by douchebag1
1:17 pm July, 29 Merle Baggard said...

auto scrote. “hey, look how unique I am. And I like this so much, I want you to like it too.”

1:19 pm July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Clears his throat of puke with a tasty Canadian Lager.

If this is his clientele, we don’t have to worry. The jaundice is an indicator of acute hepatitis or terminal douchosis of the liver. I think she is a Zombie. And by Zombie, I don’t mean Sherri Moon Zombie.

1:20 pm July, 29 armydouche said...

mandanna, sunglasses at night, ubsequious red cup, facial ants, zombie stare… with or without tats this is a clear cut case.

1:25 pm July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

It appears Mr.Sepia Tone Chronic had Death Before Dishonor tatted on his GSR. If he fucles the zombie in the Shroud of Turdouche, he will not live in dishonor for long. Arby’s health plan does not cover overseas transplants

1:26 pm July, 29 Eliza Douchecoo said...

This is good information as I am of many tattoos. I don’t consider myself a douche because if I wear a t-shirt you can’t see any of them and nary a one of them is tribal. I do have a rather large skull on my ribs, but considering I take my shirt off in public like 3 times a year, nobody sees. I agree that alot of times tattoos are generally a warning to the douchie that come forth to you. Give him a jagerbomb and let the douche out of the ‘bag.

1:27 pm July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I see dying people.

1:29 pm July, 29 Eliza Douchecoo said...

I think there’s a UFO above that guys mandana.

1:30 pm July, 29 Bag Margera said...

Ok, I have a rather large dragon tattoo on my upper back. And before you judge, know that it was designed by a friend of mine who tragically is no longer with us. I’m not normally a tattoo person, because up until his death, I never found any significant reason to get one. Even when getting it, I was concerned about how big of a douchebag I would be, but in the end I know I got it for personal reasons, and not to show to the hotts. I only show them if it comes up in conversation and they ask to see it, and even then I will often decline, as it’s inappropriate. The only time I go shirtless is when swimming. The rest of the time, you would never think that I have one. Even when I wake up in the morning I can look in the mirror and not even pay any mind to it. It may just be my opinion but tatts are not autodouche. It’s all about the context. To me it’s a reminder of a friend who’s always watching my back.

1:34 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Please tell me that Draksock is piloting a speedboat somewhere in the very near vicinity of these two. Please?

1:34 pm July, 29 Crucial Head said...

It’s nice to see the kids in the liver-failure wing of the hospital still finding time to have a little fun.

1:35 pm July, 29 Crucial Head said...

Anyone who’s been reading this site longer than a few months knows my stance on tattoos. If not, just read Medusa or JCVD’s eloquent thoughts on the matter.

1:35 pm July, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ myself

.

Who the fucck is Draksock? A distant cousin of DARKsock? Sorry but my eyes teared up immediately from the backwash of stomach acid when viewing this pic.

1:43 pm July, 29 soy bomb said...

Honey, grab the flamethrower please.

1:45 pm July, 29 DayGloGuido said...

In Shane’s haste to get maximum purchase from his chin curtain he neglected to consider the fact that although making his pube-track all the more prominent from the front, trimming it half way up his face gave him a shit smear buildup similar to that of spinal-injury victim that has just removed their chinstrap after 6 weeks in traction.

1:46 pm July, 29 menschenjaeger said...

Why does she hate her father so much?

1:48 pm July, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

I’m sure this is the same kind of existential question any artist, writer, stripper or other creative type asks themselves as they make a living in the commercial world.

I mean it’s a tough call. At what point does a stripper become a prostitute? It boggles the mind.

1:52 pm July, 29 scrotum pole said...

I have a large tatoo of Barry Manilow displayed prominently across my rear end. If I scrunch my sphincter up just right, it looks like he’s winking.

But I did it in the eighties when he was quite popular, and now I’m not so sure it was the right move.

In fact I’ve been wondering if I can have it changed into a likeness of professional golfer John Daley sinking a hole-in-one.

Medusa?

1:58 pm July, 29 tall guy said...

Dex’s plight, indeed the plight of all legitimate tattooists, has been on my mind of late. Regrettably I need to get to work now. I shall give the matter the full weight of my grey cells throughout the coming day of toil and elucidate anon.

1:58 pm July, 29 Casey said...

Good lord, is gold the new orange?

2:03 pm July, 29 wonderdouche twin said...

I think douche by tat is a case by case basis. This display with the addition of orangie in the potato sack is auto-douche without question.

Simple military tattoo’s (if you actually served) is fine.

Stupid shit that looks like it was done in a prison, and you know who you are, AUTOMATIC! Your name on you back in Gothic letters? AUTOMATIC! Stars? AUTOMATIC! Car emblems? AUTOMATIC!

2:06 pm July, 29 douche bigalow said...

Off topic, but no Pitinobag today DB1?

How often does a highly visible public figure admit they blew a load in 15 seconds and then dribbled it down their own leg?

Epic failure on so many fronts.

2:07 pm July, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

They have been pickled in Jager since the Great War and touched by King Midas. I think we should have a telethon on Labour Day if they last that long. Poor kids. Ohh Ladyyyyyyyyyyy.

2:11 pm July, 29 Captain Garanichode said...

Mandanna, trail of ants… poo and a burlap wrapped Hott… My Thursday is complete!

2:19 pm July, 29 Aaron said...

Guns don’t kill people. PEOPLE kill people.

Tattoos don’t make people douchebags. People make people douchebags.

I think it’s a good analogy, but I could be wrong.

2:22 pm July, 29 Captain Garanichode said...

……is that Ben Affleck?

2:28 pm July, 29 Deltus said...

The 2nd pic, she looks like she’s had her soul removed.

2:40 pm July, 29 Al Anon said...

In the second pic she’s rolled her eyes into the back of her head revealing emptiness.

She never had a soul.

2:59 pm July, 29 Pete Rose said...

<<<<<——–Insert Buffalo Beast's name here!

3:02 pm July, 29 Vin Douchal said...

Not auto-douche. Depends on the canvas.

.

Fer instance, the guitar player in my last band was a retired Marine and he sported the USMC with a bulldog under it tatt on his bicep that added awesomeness to his guitar lines

.

I once had a dying crush on a gal that had a little rose on her shoulder but when I finally got to see her cooter she had her ex-husband’s name tatted next to it. Deal breaker

.

My neice is a Unversalist and she has that thingy they do with all the religious symbols on her back. It’s very tasteful.

Then we have the dickhead in these two photos. The only good thing to say about that is I hope JCVD and Medusa have nice cars and up to date mortgage payments. Rock on, live it up

3:26 pm July, 29 Vin Douchal said...

On a related note, I listen to Boston sports radio station WEEI on the ‘net and every time Planet Mikey calls someone an ass hat or ass jacket I giggle like a school girl .

3:27 pm July, 29 Baleen said...

Well, my avatar went to shit.

.

Hey Wheeze, have there been any pics posted on the site of some fuckwank with an actual Ed Hardy Tattoo?

3:31 pm July, 29 dblpits2teste said...

Umm, I didn’t think Realdolls have souls?!?

3:31 pm July, 29 Vin Douchal said...

T’was an asshat with an orange bimbette

Picture two shows you what he can get

He’ll dry hump her ass

But those tatts so crass

Make him look like a giant assjacket

4:57 pm July, 29 Snoop Douchey Bagg said...

Dex:

Certainly not your fault – hey, we all gotta make a living.

I hope you’re at least making a good paycheck off these d-bags.

5:06 pm July, 29 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

HolyMaryMotherofTattedLace, I hope that’s a yellow bug-light shining on these two hopeless douche-i-trons.

5:09 pm July, 29 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Ya know, DB1, the second photo-link was far funnier than the first. Not often we get to see a total Bleeth in action alongside a tatted, jaundiced choadwank.

They look like basted, roasted “scrotisserie chickens.”

(a tip of the hat to our long-lost mocker from the east coast D.C. establishment)

5:13 pm July, 29 Whoop-Di-Douche said...

Oh, I almost forgot to address the main question at hand. YES, anybody tattooing for a living is contributing to the downspiral of civilization. Especially if using poor designs, dirty needles and spreading disease, and encouraging loitering on the sidewalks outside of perfectly respectable businesses such as frame shops, soda-fountain-candy-lunchette shops, and professional music studios, not to mention trendy restaurants and gift shops.

5:35 pm July, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

Where the hell is JCVD these-a-days?

.

Well, I gave a long diatribe about tattoos the other day. I don’t need to repeat myself. To address, I call not an auto-douche on tattoos. Looking at the nature of the tattoos, and the rest of the adouchetrements is more of an accurate measure, it must be taken on a case-by-case basis. I have a client that I have tattooed a few times. He has a spider web on his shoulder, a bloody skull on his arm and the number 13 on his back. Sounds douchey. The kid has Down’s Syndrome. He’s pretty highly functioning, and he comes in with his parents, he’s about 19, old enough. And he picks out his own stuff and his own colors and makes jokes with me the whole time and I think it’s just rad. His folks are nice as pie, and while I’m sure they’d rather he not get tattoos, they’re probably glad their boy is that “with it” enough to make decisions like this, and not be a perpetual 4-year old. He’s pretty nerdy and despite the subject matter of the tattoos, he’s an absolute notta.

.

Now, the kid with “Bad Boy” in Old English on his stomach? Yeah. See Wonderdouche Twin at 2:03, i couldn’t have said it better myself. Not only is the tattoo douche, it points to the personality (or lack of) of the recipient as totally manufactured, a brainless consumer of pop culture and an eventual statistic of something to do with unhappiness.

.

One of my tattoos is of a sandwich. Douchey? Discuss, discuss.

.

@ Scrotum Pole–done deal. Let’s make sure it’s Drunk John Daly, too.

.

@ Whoop-di-douche 5:13 pm

I hang my head in shame. However, the shame is erased by the smug satisfaction that assholes like the guy in the pic paid for this. And the house behind it too, to which my mortgage IS up to date, TYVM, Mr. Douchal 😉

6:12 pm July, 29 Anonymous said...

@ Medusa

.

“Drunk John Daly” is redundant.

.

More importantly, Nice ride…….’58?

6:13 pm July, 29 scrotum pole said...

^ Me

6:20 pm July, 29 mr.reeve said...

Weird people with tatts and orange skin. Aliens?

I am one who says tattoos are not autodouche. The douchebag makes himself a douche. The tattoo can add to it but does not make it.

6:57 pm July, 29 Abdouchah the Butcher said...

The guy in this pic is a fabulous ‘bag! Prime inhuman orange skin tone, quality ant-trail facial hair fail, mandana, shades in a dark bar… This is a superb example of how to be a vomit stain. And his bleeth is sorta greenish. It don’t get no better than that.

7:00 pm July, 29 Lil Douche Coupe said...

Ok, why is this tat douche packing a Glock on his hip in pic 2. He better be a cop or the local ones see that they’ll bust him for brandishing, we can only hope.

8:04 pm July, 29 Anonymous said...

Basically, I get two kinds of requests.

First, there is the guy/girl that approaches me with “hey man, can you do a design for me of a skull/dice/snake/flames/cultural-or-religious-icon?”

Then, there’s the type that comes to me with a vague idea of what the prospective tattoo means to them, and leaves me to do my work.

The former outweigh the latter.

They’re also willing to pay ridiculous prices for fifteen minutes worth of work.

I gotta face the facts. Douchebags are an easy mortgage payment.

9:08 pm July, 29 Stephanie said...

Yellowskin freaks = sickness = jaundice = stay away from that beach! It’s so sexy that it looks like their gonna barf on each other at any minute.

9:31 pm July, 29 Anonymous said...

This is the worst spray tan job ever! They’re not even orange… they either fell into a giant vat of turmeric or they’re all jaundiced in the end-stages of liver failure from the Hep C they contracted getting those terribly lame tattoos.

10:31 pm July, 29 Steve L. said...

avoiding urine-colored tattoos would be a good start.

11:08 pm July, 29 DarkSock said...

1. I cannot comment intelligently until presented with a photographic topographical survey of Medusa’s bare body. And a bottle of hand lotion.

2. There are more body artists than architects here, as well as folk that pee on other folk. What does it mean?

5:38 am July, 30 justadouchalo said...

Keeping with the autodouche theme, does being on or near a speedboat = douche? I’d like to see a Venn diagram of the indicators that would make classification a little easier. Also, it’s been up before, but Marine/cartoonist Max Uarte takes on idiotic tattoos and Ed Hardy in one fell swoop: http://terminallance.com/?p=307

6:32 am July, 30 Claude Douchenburg said...

I am sorry man, I am an artist too. I have had people ask me to design tatts for them and I refuse. The human body like all natural things is a thing of beauty. It doesn’t need tatts, piercings or earlobe stretchers to make it better. Most especially on us of the western urban culture. Tha’s what I tell them all too. Now if you are a Tribal African living in a tribe in Africa or a member of a lost Amazonian, South, Central or North American native living with your tribe in the jungle or reservation that is an entirely different story. They don’t have jewelry, clothing or automobiles to display their importance or wealth in the society so they use other means. That goes for other ancient cultures who still exists and never abandoned their traditions. But for the modern western civilian to adorn their body with tatts, peircings (pierced ears accepted only one hole per ear please men and woman) and other pop culture invasions to include implants is just ridiculus.

6:37 am July, 30 Tony Ventresca said...

She does not look human in that second photo.

6:45 am July, 30 Eliza Douchecoo said...

@Wonderdouche Twin at 2:03

I do not agree with that generalization. I am the proud owner of a 1964 Lincoln Continental and have the Lincoln logo tattooed on the inside of my bicep (python if you will). Alot of blood sweat and tears (money too) have gone into that ride.

Like someone said on here…tattoos don’t make people douchebags, people make people douchebags.

7:17 am July, 30 Claude Douchenburg said...

I am sorry Eliza Douchecoo, I own a 1993 Lincoln Town Car and dont feel the need to put the logo on my body. That was my point exactly. We in the west use automobiles, Jewelry and expensive clothing as visual signals to others what we are about. To emblazen a tatto of the object of your status symbol on your body is redundent. Like the Harley owners who ride the cycles, wear all the clothing and have harley tatts too. IT”S MARKETING FOR CHRSSSAKES DON”T YOU SEE THAT???????

7:29 am July, 30 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Damn, I’m a douche then. Guess being a father of 3, with a stay at home wife, and the sole bread winner is douchey these days if I have some tattoos. I have become what I hate, need to find the nearest clocktower.

8:06 am July, 30 wonderdouche twin said...

Eliza, for the sake of conversation how LARGE is this tat? I had a 70 Lincoln Mark III about 14yrs ago.

.

I’ve owned my GMC truck for 18yrs and dropped money, sweat, and even some tears into it. I have never had the thought of brandishing myself with the logo. Will I own this truck till I’m dead? questionable, I’ve said I want to be buried in it but I’m not serious.

.

I would much rather have a 56 Chevy convertible, Would I have the old school Chevy emblem ablaze on myself, um no.

.

I wouldn’t get my wife’s name tattooed any where cause hey you never know. I guess I could have my kids names tattooed on me because they will always be my kids, but really why would you do that?

8:08 am July, 30 Claude Douchenburg said...

Don’t fret, no need for a clock tower. At least it is hidden like the homemade tattoo I gave myself on the inside of my calf in the 5th grade. I went to a ruff grade school.

8:12 am July, 30 Eliza Douchecoo said...

It’s not real big, just on the inside of my bicep, 70 Lincoln Mark III, nice car.

Guess I have no room to talk but I never understood the names of your kids or wife tattoos?

9:30 am July, 30 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Wearing a Yankees baseball cap does not make you a douchebag. You may be hated by Dodgers fans, but you are not auto douche. But, tilt that hat sideways and you have wandered demanded that the spotlight be placed squarely on your douchey mug.

.

Same for tattoos.

10:23 am July, 30 Troy Tempest said...

wife and kids names tattooed? Why? You think you’re gonna forget them, or are you planning on getting Alzheimers?

Lincoln Continental tattoo? You’re not going to be driving a Lincoln after 2020, so the logo will quickly pass into the realm of mystery and symbol within a few decades there after. Like Studebaker. Or DeSoto. Or Packard. Or AMC. Or Nash. Or Rambler. Or Oldsmobile.

They will look at your corpse and ask “Gee why does gwampah have that tatoo? Wuzzit mean gwammah?” And she won’t remember because she won’t have sat in a car for the past 20 years.

“I think it’s the symbol of Star Clan – special people, dear. Now, move along, little one – we only have electricity in the camp for four hours today…”

11:08 am July, 30 Scroteophobic said...

What the fuck? “Here in the west we have cars and nice things to show off our social position so we don’t need tattoos. Only people from poor countries who cannot afford our nice stuff need body ink to show their social status.” I’m paraphrasing here but how fucking patronising is that? Ink is for people who cannot afford a Lexus. Please tell me that is a wind up?

I’ve made my position knwon on this one before. Ink is a personal choice. Just like the car you drive, the way you live your life. Douche is not about a single external signifier but about the toxic swamp of preening, attention seeking fuck-wittery inside. Pumpy (may he boob grab in heaven) reminded us of that.

11:09 am July, 30 DarkSock said...

I have a tattoo of a dick, on my dick, so I look bigger when I get wood.

.

.

That’s not gay, is it?

12:16 pm July, 30 wonderdouche twin said...

Was at a county fair for my own amusement, and a funnel cake. There was a guy in line for food with “MOM” on one pec and “DAD” on the other pec, along with an assortment of unknown crap tattoos.

.

That is where I get my children names reference. I would NEVER have a persons name tattooed on myself.

12:51 pm July, 30 Stephanie said...

Tattooing names on yourself is really white trashing,and maybe people should think twice,three times about it. It’s not a homage thing…it just looks stupid. It’s pretend caring. I also see people tattooing Mom, Dad’s kids photos on themselves and it’s never small, it’s terrible looking stuff. The only people who love it and are honest about it are your local tattoo shop. Because they are counting the cash.

2:05 pm July, 30 Claude Douchenburg said...

It’s not rich or poor Scoteophobic, it’s cultural. I am just not smart enough to explain myself. Anyway this is the last time I am going to state my opinion on anything on this site. I want to mock douche not argue with fellow mockers.

9:53 pm July, 30 Scroteophobic said...

@Claude D

Everyone has an opinion. I bet many of mine are at odds with other people’s on here. I wouldn’t avoid stating it. My post = my opinion. I’m grown up enough to understand that people can disagree with me and still be worthy baghunters. Believe me a Jesus panel or Hardy knock off I’ll quit defending ink and savage that ‘bag.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you shouldn’t take it personally. The internet is made for arguments and they can be quite robustly expressed (mine in particular). Mock on.

12:50 pm July, 31 ray'k said...

not gonna read all the coments…too many and i’ve had one to many glasses of wine……

“(so sorry if i’m repeating)

sure sign of a dbag=tweety or taz.

not only dbag, but also “trash.”

(if yer offended, get that tatt lasered off)

6:39 pm July, 31 Dex said...

Today I attended the wedding of a friend of mine, whom I have designed several tattoos for. Talking with him reminded me of an interesting perspective on tattoos, and how meaning is in the eye of the beholder.

About three years ago his grandfather passed away, and he asked me to draw up a full back piece for him featuring a pirate ship, and some brief lines from “Treasure Island”, a book his grandfather used to read him when he was a kid.

Now, this guy would never get the douche-tag unless someone were of the “tatt=douche” philosophy, and even then they wouldn’t know unless he were to take off his shirt, which I have never seen him do unless we were at the beach or swimming pool.

The point is, isn’t meaning in the eye of the beholder? It’s easy for one guy to say “the meaning behind your tattoo is stupid”, but it isn’t your tattoo, is it? This particular tattoo in question, to him, was a reminder of happy times in his childhood with a family member that had passed away. While someone might see it and think he is some sort of pirate-douche, it has real sentimental meaning to him.

Now, what prompted me to write the email in the first place is some college kid from Jersey (they’re everywhere in Baltimore, it sickens me), approached me a few weeks ago and asked me to design him a tattoo of “a real badass lookin’ skull to go on my chest, with like, a cash sign carved into its forehead, like dyin’ for that money, ya feel me?”

I stared into his beady dago eyes for a full minute before responding:

“200 dollars. And I’ll need half upfront.”

10:30 am August, 1 MILLS said...

they both look like theyve been marinated in curried yellow bean sauce

11:33 am August, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Scrotum Pole 6:13

It is indeed–1958 Buick Roadmaster 75 to be exact.

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