Friday, July 9, 2010

Friday Thoughts and Links

A quiet post July 4th week of hangover here at HCwDB, but things are rapidly firing up for Monday with a nasty smackdown HCwDB of the Week vote.

Your humble narrator is back in the city of Angels, freshly shaved and shorn and smelling like petunias. Or maybe that’s just sweatsock.

Season #3 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? begins shooting in a few weeks in Boston and Scottsdale. And your humble narrator is prepping a new show and finding artful ways to scratch his nethers in public.

HC1 even created an account and may pop into the threads from time to time, so keep a lookout. Times are good. And the weekend is here.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB’s own ‘Bag Huntress extraordinaire, Dicy takes a self portrait, causes telescopic ground erections.

Reader Captain Lame notices a new North Face sleeping bag campaign targeting douchebags, does some creative editing to bring out the subtext.

Manny Manuel proves the old addage: Never trust anyone with two first names. Who is also a scrotepud.

Douchefights.

More douchefights.

Douche lick.

Former reality T.V. mill grist, John Gosselin, attempts to cling to fame by getting increasingly choadier.

Ferrari Guy For Hire. Uhm… yeah. Lets just move on.

The Jersey Shore cast continues to try to sell fist pumping as ironic and self aware. Yeah, and Leni Riefenstahl was just a filmmaker.

That’s right, kids. A Leni Riefenstahl reference. Find that over at The Chive. Actually, if you wait a few days, you probably will.

Proving that Hip Hop and the Crisis of Masculinity in the age of deconstructionism are creating scads of purported heterosexuals in acts of extreme homoerotica, The Brothabags Go Dickslanging.

A little Asian Librarian Nerd Hott makes the world a better place.

Douchebag Bathroom Self-Portraiture moves from trend to full-blown viral infestation. And more. And yet more.

But you’re not here simply to mock Douchebag Bathroom Self Portraiture. You’re also here for the Pear.

Here ya go, a triptych of art pear:

Latex Pear.

Shag Pear.

And finally, Shakespear.

In honor of Shakespear: Butt soft!! What light through yonder thigh cheek breaks? It is the east, and Juliet has glorious glutes!

Go forth, kids. For the weekend is uponst.

# posted by douchebag1
1:00 pm July, 9 Troy Tempest said...

Awesome stuff.

.

Return the favour for ya –

.

Machine Girl

.

Art. Pure Art. Of the worst possible kind.

.

and

.

Machine Girl 2

.

Something about crappy Russian dub on top of Japanese on top of a third rate slasher flick that fills me with despair and makes me laugh my fucking ass off.

1:07 pm July, 9 creature said...

pear makes me hungry for flesh fruit

1:14 pm July, 9 bigphatnotadouche said...

Dicy thanks for the portrait. I get to take my little erection home tonight and beat it into submission.

1:21 pm July, 9 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Shag pear is exquisite. Those dick slanging guys be gay.

1:31 pm July, 9 mr.reeve said...

Pear means its Friday. Thank you sir. All three were ripe for the slapping too. It’s almost time to start cracking some brews. Can’t wait.

I saw dick slanging on tosh.0 about 2-3 weeks ago. More d-bags acting gay for sure. God help us all.

1:34 pm July, 9 tall guy said...

Shag pear!! Yes. Good Lord what an image.

Ferrari guy is comical, but no less of a douche for being laughed at.

1:36 pm July, 9 Mr. Biggs said...

Ugh. I predict that by the year 2012 all douchebags will go buck naked, shaved and oiled, getting penis implants to compete in spontaneous “who’s biggest” competitions.

1:36 pm July, 9 scrotum pole said...

Dearest Dicy,

I’ve always been a fan, but after seeing this pic, I have a proposal.

Please consider becoming my mail-order bride.

If you accept my offer, I’ll send you a stamped, self-adressed shipping crate.

Simply climb inside, and have someone drop it off at the local post office. The US Postal Service will whisk you away, directly to my spacious, double-wide trailer for a lifetime of wedded bliss.

Sincerely,

Your hopefully soon-to-be groom.

Scrotum Pole.

P.S.

RSVP so I can ditch my current wife.

Please hurry.

1:36 pm July, 9 mr.reeve said...

@Troy

That was some pretty nice stuff. I am a fan of Machine Girl now.

1:36 pm July, 9 Mr. Biggs said...

And now that I think of it, a popular tick poison is a tick viagra that gets them all permanently hard and they just spear each other to death in male competition.

1:38 pm July, 9 Crucial Head said...

Thanks for the Pear, boss. I’m on the road but should be home later this evening to flog the ol’ meat puppet to Pear and Dicy.

.

Peace and love.

.

Peace and love.

.

.

(Sent from my DingleBerry)

1:42 pm July, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

If Latex Pear doesn’t bring Medusa out of her dungeon then she’s most likely dead as Mr. White probably couldn’t hear her struggling in her restraints what with the inverted chin penis strapped over her mouth and all.

.

@Dicy. Word is SETI got a message from space just moments after your pic was posted. Two words: “Damn girl!” Mrs. Scrotato Head approves.

.

Shakespear brings another great quote from the bard to mind…

Once more into the peach dear friends, once more;

Or close up the pear with our engorged head;

.

I’d take liberties with the text, but it seems to stand all on its own.

.

When the buzzer sounds at the end of the day the Scrotato clan are off to Flaming Gorge for a week of boating, hiking, fishing and relaxing. No, we aren’t going to visit Plinky’s Mom’s vagina. This is a much dryer climate.

.

Yeah, I know, where there’s water there’s douchebags. I’ll have the camera ready, though it’s remote location makes it most likely that I’ll encounter the occasional hipsterbag or worse, an enviro-whacko denouncing big oil before tweeting all his twitterfans and hopping into his Jeep Cherokee and driving 50 feet up to the next camp site.

.

And Shag Pear owes me a new pair of khakis.

1:44 pm July, 9 End the Haberdouchery said...

Ferrari Guy is why our economy is in the crapper. People think they can make a living and contribute to our great land by driving people in an Italian car while wearing a wig made from hair ripped from the scalps of Slovakian gypsy children. It’s just wrong.

1:53 pm July, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Mr. Biggs^

.

Mrs. Scrotato Head would confirm that while I wear Gurrinamals to ensure my clothes match, I have an uncanny ability to predict the inevitable recycling of basic fashion trends. Bell bottoms and low rise jeans. Check. Short shorts. Check. Tight leggings and stirrup pants. Check.

.

I shit you not, these is not too far in the future for douchebags. Malcolm McDowell got it right in A Clockwork Orange, he was just way too far ahead of his time. Only the ones that douchebags will punish our orbitals with will be made by Christian Audiger and be covered in all the loud, hyper colored tribal bullshit his rapidly overworked fashion line is known for.

.

Mine will look like the back of Smurfette’s head.

1:53 pm July, 9 360 said...

****CLICKS ON

SHAG PEAR!

***** CLICKS OFF

2:06 pm July, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Scrotato

.

Seriously get that idea to a designer fast. You can start an entire line of HCwDB codpieces. Write shit like “Microscopes can’t find my cocck” and “Kicks hurt” in frilly gold scribble on the front of them. Put some wizards with lightening or jungle animals on them too and they’ll sell like hotcakes. All these douches would be killing each other to get them Just make sure the writing is sloppy enough. Bedazzle a few and start another new line. The mind boggles with how much money can be made here. Get sponsorship like in NASCAR and you’d have another entire untapped market. I could actually see this happening. Clubs would have doors marked “No codpieces allowed” and we could protest which would further our cause even more. The possibilities are endless…

2:16 pm July, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@DBH

.

“Kicks hurt”

.

Holy shit. LOLICOCKTRS

2:25 pm July, 9 Whoop-di-douche said...

Hmmmm….I thought, surely with Shakespear we will see Shakira’s shaky pear.

Can’t begrudge your posting, though.

2:26 pm July, 9 G said...

Only thing missing from Dicy’s pic is a douchebag…

Gotta love asian librarian hott…something to naruto my wang to later tonight…and by naruto I mean mash into a meaty pulp for latex pair to suckle

2:26 pm July, 9 G said...

^pear…

2:31 pm July, 9 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@G^

.

By latex pair did you mean the gloves you’ll be wearing?

2:33 pm July, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

Asian Hott & Shag pear was the right antidote for the convulsive, brain bleeding seizures I experienced viewing the rank & vile choadness that was Manny Manuel, Ferrari guy and the self portraits. As for Dicy she rocks!!! and let’s not forget her newest avatar.

2:36 pm July, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Mr Scrotato Head

“And Shag Pear owes me a new pair of khakis.”

Well said sir, well said

2:46 pm July, 9 Mr. Biggs said...

I always was a fan of Shakespear. Always will be. Shakespear is eternal wisdom, it is eternal inspiration, eternal art.

2:57 pm July, 9 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Holy cats! Dicy, stop that. My shorts are suddenly too tight. The Asian librarian hott didn’t make the situation better. Nor the pear by 3, particularly…oh, hell, all of them.

I’m feeling light headed and dizzy…passing out…must…hit…submit…

3:01 pm July, 9 Dicy said...

Oh goodness! The first link! I’m honored 🙂

As for Ferrari guy.. wth was that?

3:15 pm July, 9 massengill said...

I ran across the Ferrari Guy website over a year ago and told my aunt in the Chicagoland area that I was going to buy an hour with Ferrari guy for his high school graduation.

Well he graduated last May, and I just sent him $50 instead of shelling out $300 for a trip with that toolbox. But I bet he would have a great story had I sent him. Maybe when he finishes college…

3:15 pm July, 9 massengill said...

Oh, somewhere up there it should say “my cousin.”

4:10 pm July, 9 massengill said...

If you are lucky enough to be in the car with Ferrari guy when there is no traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway, he’ll get the car up to 88 mph and take you back to August 13, 1977. You’ll stand with him in a musty basement and watch a younger Ferrari Guy play lead guitar in an electrifying thirteen minute version of “Slow Ride” with his Foghat tribute band.

4:29 pm July, 9 Fatness said...

re: Ferrari guy. If I see him on the Damn Ryan he’s going into a wall.

.

re: Dicy. Ahhh….oh to be a young college kid again… Nicely done.

.

re: Asian Librarian Nerd Hott. I suddenly crave sushi.

.

re: The weekend. Enjoy it everyone!

5:40 pm July, 9 Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser said...

Dear Dicy: I would like to revolve several times around your Copernicus, before running the Inquisition on your Galileos. Please let me know if this is possible, thanks.

5:43 pm July, 9 wes said...

I’m surprised that no one has pointed out that “Douche Lick” is actually Robert Pattinson and Anna Kendrick from those crappy Twilight movies.

Oops…Did I just admit that I’ve actually seen the Twilight movies? Well, that was embarrassing. Would I save any face by saying that I only watched them for the RiffTrax commentary? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CfW9GYNmqo

5:51 pm July, 9 Dicy said...

@Everybody

You guys are so sweet to pay so many compliments 😛 I have the best cyber friends anyone could ask for. For anyone wondering, this picture was taken out at Kitt Peak National Observatory, that week changed my life!

6:03 pm July, 9 Mr. White said...

@Mr. Scrotato Head re: Medusa

Oh, shit. Um…excuse me, you just reminded me of something I have to untie…I mean, um, get my clothes out of the playpen…NO…I meant the dryer. Yes, I forgot to take my clothes out of the dryer.

6:58 pm July, 9 soy bomb said...

I don’t understand the douche self-portrait.

.

We. Can. See. The. Camera. In. The. Reflection.

.

Who the f*ck is impressed by this? Who doesn’t immediately buckle over in a laugh fit? It’s the height of narcissism. A buncha douchie LeBrons getting gussied up before preening in front of a mirror for the sweet photo op.

.

The bathroom self-“pootrait” is quite possibly the choadiest maneuver of them all.

7:48 pm July, 9 Horace Dangleballs said...

Dicy for Hall for Hott. Who will second? Nicely, done, lassie!

DB1… PLEASE provide dirt on ISRGOWH in Boston. I will be more than willing to seek out and torture the fuckwads in question.-

I will now be busy “with” Latex Pear. Enjoy your weekend, all.

8:09 pm July, 9 Fredouche Corleone said...

I second the Dicy for Hall of Hott!

10:18 pm July, 9 Baleen said...

I’d like to apply some of my “Armor All” to latex pear.

.

Dig the brunettes.

.

And Dicy.

.

And Jergens.

.

And Lamp

.

And tranquilizers.

.

Have a good weekend all.

10:19 pm July, 9 Douchble Helix said...

Ferrari guy has more photos. Most without a shirt on. I think he’s really an ‘escort’.

Remember, on Taxi, Latka became the world’s biggest asshole, really, a 1977 douchebag, and called himself ‘Vic Ferrari’. Has this site ever recognized that achievement?

Dicey, all I see are Twin Peaks…

10:44 pm July, 9 Wheezer said...

Titt Peek? 😀

.

I love all the lesser hotts who appeared after Dicy’s photo, too. I’ll take a round of nerdy Asian hott and then lightly smack the pears for a bit…..and then “smack” myself to sleep tonight.

7:56 am July, 10 hollabackchick said...

OMG who is that dude with the full body tattoo!?! haha that’s crazy!

8:04 am July, 10 doucheywallnuts said...

I love Machine Girl…I find it very interesting that the Japanese can show just about anything in their tv shows and movies except pubic hair…Not that I want to see Asian pubes, or anyone’s pubes.

I didn’t realize Sammy Hagar has sunk so low as to drive a “newer Ferrari,” for tours, as opposed to an “older” Ferrari.

Dick Slanging is yet another indication of extreme and terminal cultural decay, which is all around us.

8:55 am July, 10 Steve L. said...

i knew there would be triple pear for so many douchefight / douchey self portrait pics. whew.

11:00 am July, 10 Jaques Doucheteau said...

Okay, I feel really weird doing this. I am adamantly opposed to Dicy’s inclusion into the Hall of Hott. Not that Dicy isn’t a lovely vision to behold, but that a clear distinction must be held.

.

Hall of Hott is full of beautiful hotties, hanging out with douchebags. They are there for the sole purpose of our depraved objectification. If they’re dumb enough to let themselves be reduced to the same function as an oiled garbage bag, then they certainly deserve to have a bunch of dirty old men make pseudo-intellectualized jokes about tit fucking them.

.

Dicy, on the other hand, is family. She gleeful joins us in both our collective mock of the brain challenged douche, and the making of inappropriate sexual comments towards the life choices challenged hottie. I implore you all; do not demean her status by nominating her to the Hall of Hott, which is basically a glorified spank bank anyway.

.

Erection jokes and half-hearted pleas for sexual favors aside, let us elevate Dicy to a more respected status. Not damn her to the lower depths of Crusty Sweat Sock Row.

.

I nominate Dicy to the Hall of Mock!

11:02 am July, 10 Jaques Doucheteau said...

Sorry. I’m just saying that to impress her and have a better chance at getting in her pants.

11:09 am July, 10 bcs said...

dick slangin is nothin new i used to do that as a kid when i wore gym shorts. well my uncle made me do it. while he took pictures.

fugghen tarmmal cockk puunchg faggoets!

11:42 am July, 10 Dicy said...

@JD

Marry me! I’ll do anything you want!

But really, I like the compliments a lot but I don’t really want to go through the vote that it would take to get into the Hall of Hott. I don’t exactly have the kind of pictures to be put up beside some of the other girls (ie I dress pretty normal and avoid douchebags) So really, it’s a technicality that I shouldn’t be in there but I also don’t want to read anything anyone would have negative to say about me! (The Hall of mock is a different story :P)

That’s really nice of you to say I’m family though because you guys are waaay about my head with your mock skillz. I’m just glad there’s a place I can hate on some losers in my own way and not have to listen to the people who would defend them..

<3

11:43 am July, 10 Dicy said...

about=above

Gah I miss the days when I could delete my posts w typos!

12:11 pm July, 10 Baron Von Goolo said...

Excellent suggestion, Troy. Machine Girl is fun, but there are too many long stretches of “dialogue” and “character development” between drug-induced deathborg spaltter sequences.

.

Tokyo Gore Police does not have that problem.

.

yee-ha

5:40 pm July, 10 Jaques Doucheteau said...

Dicy, I would gladly marry you and have you bear my awkwardly tall and gawky children, under one condition however. That I be allowed to keep Baron Von Goolo as my other lover. His love of the Japanese splatter film genre matches my own. He probably has a badly dubbed VHS collection of Lone Wolf and Cub like I do.

this does complicate my theory; that dicy is just one of darksock’s alter egos, a bit, but i am still going with it.

8:03 pm July, 10 Dicy said...

If I were Darksock

I think that I would post most

My comments as poems

And have at all times

A stock of haikus about

Anal leakage, ew!

Really I’m just a

Recovered douchebag lover

Who wants to mock now

Also, I’m madly

In love with Crucial, not

His alter ego.

And finally, I

peed in a horses butt once

Just to try it out.

8:04 pm July, 10 Dicy said...

Ma, those were supposed to all be haikus… now I see why you guys have always used “-” to break your paragraphs.. I’m a fast learner!

7:59 am July, 11 Horace Dangleballs said...

After further review, the ruling on the field is overturned. My original post was the result of far too many Gibsons and I did not have full possession of my faculties.

Jacques Doucheteau’s motion for Dicy to the Hall of Mock is approved. Since I have no timeouts remaining, by rule, thirty seconds will be run off the clock. The clock has expired and the game is over.

9:43 am July, 11 Jaques Doucheteau said...

My only motion was that of the ocean, and it requires lots of lotion. Hehe.

7:59 am July, 12 Deltus said...

Shakespear actually made me do a spit-take. Goddamnit, that’s a fine ass!

Leave a Reply

What is 2 + 2 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)